Alternatively titled: The Beginnings of My Prison Hope Chest
Ari: Can we work on my plan to kill the Geezer?
Heather: Yes. But we have to figure out how to do it without getting caught. Jail is dirty and scary.
Ari: Yeah – unless it’s a Lifetime Prison for Women, in which case Tyne Daly will SO have our backs
Heather: True! But then one of us will inevitably get forced into the prison prostitution ring, end up pregnant, black and blue, and a mere shadow of our former Remington Steele selves.
Ari: Connie Selleca’s going to be there too?! Say Kristy McNichol and I’m so there!!
Heather: Not Connie Selleca, silly. Stephanie Zimbalist. Prison of Secrets. Lifetime TV. 1997. But we could totally get Connie and Kristie. I mean, what else would they be doing?
Ari: Crap – so close… yet so far. You are totally right though – they are so free. And for the record I spend an awful lot of time considering my future incarceration.
Heather: Well, obvs. Like how we used to plan for the prom. Or our weddings. Sigh.
You do know that I will be the woman to contend with on the cell block and I’ll be shanking any hoes that be messing wit’ my peoples, yo.
I got ya back and you don’t even have to be my bitch.
There is no better way to waste a potentially productive Saturday afternoon than by watching a women’s prison movie on Lifetime. Let me know when you’ll be on. I’ll even make popcorn.
I so love Lifetime.
Ahh…. Lifetime. How I miss you!
I’m starting to think that 3 hots and a cot wouldn’t be all that bad. I mean, 3 square meals a day, an hour of exercise, a free college education, tv. And that’s not just the Lifetime version.
I’ll send you cigarettes to sell!
While I’m sure all those ladies would be useful in the pen, I think you need the girl from you side bar advert, for muscle. She looks like she could totally break someone’s neck, ala Rambo. Who is the sadistic warden? Joe Don Baker, Ned Beaty, or Tom Selick?
Um, Tom Selleck would be the HERO! Sheesh.
Who hears “Remington Steele” and thinks Connie Selleca? For once, I am aghast.
You & Ari as the prisoners in a TV movie? Pass the popcorn and tell me when the conjugal visit scenes are!
The VP of Sales and Marketing for my last company was convicted of murder when he was 17, look at him now! VP of a 13 million dollar company! It explains a lot about my former company, and one reason awhy it’s “FORMER”
Not that this is a recommended thing to do to older people in general, but you could always try asking the geezer same question to which he has just responded….. over and over and over….
Feigning complete ignorance of whatever subject he introduces, changing computer passwords and removing any valuable objects is also fun!!
I’m disturbed by this post. But if prison is really like a lifetime movie, then I could definitely do it.
The only thing better than the Lifetime prison movies are the ones where teen girls get pregnant and have to “get through it” with their moms.
Who’s Connie Selleca? Seriously.
isn’t Connie Selleca Mrs. John Tesh? I mean, for the love of God, hasn’t the woman suffered enough?
Three hots and a cot? Forget that.
How about three hotties, some iron bars, cheesy music and some shredded striped nighties? Oh, and some jello.
I’ll get my video camera.
I’ve read your whole blog within the last month when i’ve had nothing to do at my own monkey job. You’re terrific and funny. I’ve made all my friends read you, and I’ve started stories with, in that blog I read….or That fish blog….I think you’re even quoted on my myspace (if that’s okay, if not i’ll take it down). Just thought i’d say thanks for entertaining me, and please write more … thanks!
And you’re forgetting Martha!?
With her beside you, you’ll have the nicest cell in the block, and eat healthier, too.
Hilarious! Sadly, I’ve played the ‘what would I do in prison’ game.