come the night it’s a different world, go out and find a girl

It’s too hot to eat, too hot to wear real clothes (or at least, underclothes) and far too hot, apparently, to act like human beings. By the time I got to work I was lightheaded from subway heat, sticky and irritated. But the sweat pooling in my cleavage was the least of my irritations.

Heather: Dude, come home now. New York needs one decent man or it’s going to get swallowed into the sea. It’s prophecy. Don’t wait for the three-hour disaster movie staring one of the Gyllenhaals. Just come home.

Biscuit: I’m TRYING, believe me. Dare I ask what happened?

Heather: Every man I have encountered this morning has been rude and manner-less and dressed really badly. It’s got to be the heat. But really, what kind of man physically pushes a woman out of his way to get iced coffee first? And who won’t stand up on a train for a pregnant lady? I wanted to weep for chivalry. And then I almost decided to sleep with women.

Biscuit: !!! Seriously, I leave and the whole place falls apart! I mean, honestly, I know it’s a bit of a skill to dress well in shorts, but oh yes, it can be done. And I don’t know what I’d do if you decided to go all girls. You think we have drama now.

Heather: Okay, fine. It’s true. I could never date a woman. But men behaving badly are really killing my libido.

If I have not melted into a puddle on the sidewalk by the end of the day (or been pushed onto the tracks by some late-for-his-train Neanderthal in madras shorts), here is what I’m up to tonight. Consider this an invitation to join me.

Book Signing: Straight up and Dirty
7:00 PM
Borders, 10 Columbus Circle
People magazine gave Stephanie’s book three and a half out of four stars. And if that doesn’t sell you, even Lindsay said she didn’t hate it, calling it “entertaining.” And that’s a girl who does not go throwing around the compliments.

Cringe (tonight on ABC Nightline!)
8:30 PM
Freddy’s, Dean Street & 6th Ave, Brooklyn
Okay, so it’ll be miraculous if I actually make it to Brooklyn in time for this, but seriously, if you’ve never experienced Cringe, it is some funny shit. Join Sarah and the Bride of Cringe tonight and you might get to be on TV in all your sweaty glory.

38 comments to come the night it’s a different world, go out and find a girl

  • Actually, you know it’s hot when WOMEN start pushing pregnant women out of the way to get an iced Latte or a seat on the subway.

    Have fun at Stephanie’s book reading. If it makes you feel better, that Borders has the BEST A/C in NYC. It’s so cool in there, it makes you want to wear underwear again!

  • God damn it! The ONE night I make dinner plans!

  • God damn it! The ONE night I make dinner plans!

  • Apparently I felt so strongly about it I had to post twice.

  • This Fish

    On a train on the way home just now (they sent us home because the AC broke), a man pushed in front of a woman AND a MAN with a CANE! Seriously. Evil.

  • Oh jeez. I remember living in NY being huge and pregnant and *I* would give my subway seat up for another pregnant woman, or an elderly couple.

    I’ll never forget how disgusted I felt, standing on the subway seeing this elderly couple (hanging on for dear life to poles) as teenagers were sitting there!

    I woulda said something to the thugs if I wasn’t afraid they would kill me.

  • I am totally moarning the loss of chivalry this day in time, but even more that that just good ol’ common courtesy and respect for each other. I have a three year old son and I don’t care if it takes every once of energy I have, he will grow up to be a man that holds a door open for a lady.

  • Heather- I can promise to give you my seat when you are pregnant and yield to you in the queue for iced coffee. Can I still dress badly and not be evil? -Gregg

  • This Fish

    I dunno Gregg… are man-dals involved?

  • Must be catching…I’ve seen some similar things happening in London during our heatwave (which HAPPILY has stopped). But faith was restored today when a 12-ish year old boy got off his keister and gave his seat up to an older lady. Sigh. There is good in this world.

  • UGH! I have blamed EVERYTHING on the heat this week. I seriously think its making people go out of their damn minds.

    I have 7..7!!!! pimples right now, due to a broken AC in the apt. And I burst into tears because my makeup wouldnt stay on long enough for me to leave the house.


  • I am LOVING Stephanie’s book. Good recommendation.

  • Reader-Reader

    It’s hideous and I don’t even live in a large city. I just keep cranking the a/c down. It’s an on-going battle with my boss.

    And chivalry….I actually had a man I was dating almost apologize for being “Old-fashioned”. It sounded like he was warning me. When I asked exactly what that meant, he said he opens doors and things. I said you go right on ahead and I promise to always thank you. Why was he apologetic?? Some of us really do love that stuff! It’s scary to think where we may be headed when it’s gone for good.

  • I cancelled my dinner plans. I’m coming. Damn Ari can be quite persuasive.

  • I loved Stephanie’s book. Definitely jealous I’m not in NYC to join the fun.

  • Just come on down south, Heather. I had the same problem when I was living in the DC area. Now that I’m in NC, so much has changed. There are still some men behaving badly but not nearly as many. Down here, doors are held, chairs are pulled out and a few really good ones stand until you’re seated. It’s good times.

    And Reader-Reader, he was apologetic because unfortunately there are some women that don’t appreciate chivalry. Shocking, I know.

  • Glad to know the west coast heatwave (which we had for 43 straight days) made it safe and sound to you- have fun!

    Kidding of course.

  • Stephanie

    WOOO HOOO! I just heard the weather report and this weekend is supposed to be in the 80′s. Finally some relief from this heat. Hopefully the change will make people less grouchy.

  • I lived in New Orleans for about two years. They say there are two seasons there – summer and January. Being below sea level creates a feeling that you are drowning in heat. But I was impressed that despite the unrelenting heat, the men in New Orleans generally were incredibly polite and kind. Of course, all the drinking during the workday probably helped, too.

  • Oh yes, New Orleans boys are quite wonderful.

    We pretty much drink all day and wear as little clothing as possible; that kind of lifestyle does a lot for one’s demeanor.

  • By the way, I LOVE that song (Summer in the City). Aren’t you a tad young for Sly and the Family Stone?

  • This Fish

    Maybe I’m just an old soul ;) Besides, isn’t it Lovin’ Spoonful?

  • G

    It is lovin’ spoonful, my little spoon full of love.

    Also I’d like to hear more about how you’re not wearing underclothings.

  • meleeeesa

    seriously….where have all the gentlemen gone?!? it makes me want to build a time machine and go back to the days when mothers taught their sons how to treat a lady.

  • Me

    The heatwave is horrible even here in DC with the heat index reaching 110! But I had a serious lapse in judgement when it came to dressing this morning. Shoes that rub on a hot HOT day = red hot sore blistering feet. OUCH! And people aren’t any nicer when you’re hobbling around like a cripple.

    Lesson learned: never wear semi-uncomfortable cute shoes to work on a scorcher of a day.

  • just wanted to chime in and say i liked the post-title reference too. i felt compelled to pull it up on my ipod while on the El yesterday morning. cheesy, i know, but it was just too fitting!

  • GRANT!


    Welcome to Canada!

  • Large cities, aint they grand???

  • Reader-Reader

    singlemuslimah: And how sad is that? He felt the need to apologize for being a door opening, coat holding sweetheart? I wanted to hug him when he said that! I wish more of them appreciated that some of us don’t mind. I know he’s not implying I can’t do it for myself. But I guess he can’t know that. I know some feminists think it implies they think we’re not capable, but I’m not one of them.

    Ugh. I feel bad for guys these days. Or at least, some of them…

  • Sue

    I have taught my two boys to hold doors, pull out seats or give up their seat. It’s just good manners, I hold doors and give up my seat if needed, why wouldn’t I expect my sons to do the same? Shame on the parents that don’t teach their children to respect others.

  • RzDrms

    i heart GRANT!. he’s so stooopid, he makes poop look yummy.

  • Loretta

    I live in Oklahoma City and the men are gentlemen here. They open doors and let the women go first getting on and off the elevator. Chivalry is not dead. Fortunately, almost everywhere is air conditioned here. That makes a difference.

    I love your blog. I feel your pain. As a single forty something, I still have hopes of finding the right guy. someday.

  • Anonymous

    I’m finding that Heather’s blogs leave me empty inside. She’s not really fun to read anymore, because we all know what the ending of her story is – Heather is gonna wind up miserable, divorced with cat crap on the apartment carpet. I would recommend reading instead, for a fresh HEALTHY relationship, not some freaky bi-polar demented one like Heather’s!!

  • Heather's Ass

    I know Heather, and she has a fat ass.

  • Friend of Grants

    Grant slept with many, many prostitutes in Tijuana back in the mid 90′s. He got some pubic lice from one of the girls. I would get an AIDS test, Heather.

  • Friend of This Fish

    Wow. You’d think with all that experience he’d be so much better at it…

  • Grant likes to tickle the girls

    There’s only so much you can do with a baby carrot. Is Grant a fatty? The fatter they are the tinier their carrots.

  • This Fish

    That is ENOUGH. Comments are closed.