My name is Heather and I’m a video game widow.
Ever since school got out for Christmas break and the Dork Lord brought home Call of Duty: Black Ops, the agenda in our home has been set by a couple of dead presidents, Fidel Castro and a host of the undead. If he’s not lounging on the couch with a PS3 controller and a Bluetooth headset, he’s at his friend’s house – staying up until the wee hours in the morning mainlining snack foods and shooting zombies. And I freaking hate it.
Lately, I’ve been overwhelmed by the feeling that outside of grocery shopping together on Sunday afternoon, we live entirely separate lives. So instead of holing up in my office when I hear the PS3 come on, I try to engage – curl up on the couch with my Nook and read, even help with strategy or “there’s a zombie behind you” – but there’s really only so much I can take. It’s loud and violent. Holy cow. And it’s a stupid video game, for Nintendo’s sake. But mostly, its complete saturation of my household makes me wonder what happened to the man I got engaged to, because this 17-year-old convenience store clerk who’s living on my couch? Not a suitable replacement.
The thing is, I can’t decide if my expectations for grown-up man behavior are justified or old fashioned and out of line, because when he’s on his third consecutive hour of killing zombies with pre-teen trash-talkers who repeatedly refer to each other as “bitch” or “n-” and I’m watching our precious weekend pissing slowly away, silently screaming, THIS CANNOT BE MY LIFE, the Boy seems to think nothing of it. His friends spend hours playing video games. This is normal.
“You’re a grown ass man. Doesn’t it tell you something that most of your teammates are rednecks whose testicles are still located on the INSIDE of their bodies?”
He remains nonplussed.
Maybe it is becoming the norm. Watch an hour or two of house hunting shows on HGTV and the words, “man cave” will be uttered now fewer than six times. Man cave. Really? My dad did not have a man cave. He didn’t have a TV that cost as much as a small foreign car or multiple gaming systems, either. He had a workbench and thick Clive Cussler novels from the public library. His game was cribbage. I don’t think I’d be too far off in assuming that your dads didn’t have special rooms for avoiding their families and watching the Knicks or playing what, Duck Hunt? If anything, he might have had a special recliner, off limits to the kids, and that was that.
Take the TV dads from that era – Cliff Huxtable couldn’t get five minutes alone to watch a Saturday afternoon football game and, if memory serves, it didn’t once occur to him that he was entitled to. Yeah, sometimes, he’d sneak down to his doctor’s office in the basement and huddle up with a hoagie and a portable black and white TV, but eventually, he’d have to give that up because he promised to take Rudy to ballet or rake leaves or someshit – because that’s what grown ups do.
Oh, I get it – times have changed (and, fine, Doctor Huxtable wasn’t real) but this man cave having, video game playing version of adult male doesn’t sit all that well with me. Maybe I’m just unfun. Then again, I also seem to remember a scene in that Jennifer Aniston/Vince Vaughn flick where she bailed on him for the very same behavior, which makes me think I’m not the only one who thinks that line between boy and man is just a wee bit too fuzzy for her comfort.
By the way, this is one of those posts where you’re supposed to tell me I’m not alone. So, uh, I’ll leave you to it.
You aren’t. My husband is not a gamer, but he will sit on his ass all day saturday and sunday, watching football (college and NFL), basketball (College), or any of the stupid races on SPEED, and drinking beer like it was water. Makes me wonder what will happen when we have kids. And then it makes me sad to know that I don’t think it will change much.
That’s when you buy them tiny jerseys, plop them on the couch with him and go out to lunch with your girlfriends.
Ohhhh I am so there with you. I rue the day that I bought that Wii because what started out as us playing Mario Kart and whatnot together became him getting up earlier than me on a Saturday just so he can play Monster Hunter Tri – online, for hours – with gamers who I’m assuming are similar to those prepubescent boys playing COD.
One day, I nearly scratched the disc with a key. Another day I may not show the same restraint.
Hi Heather,
Oh dear. I don’t think your experience is unique, but I do think it’s a perfect example of the need to compromise that is paramount in any healthy relationship.
I am newly married to a 30-something engineer who enjoys playing PS3. IN MODERATION. I am certain that the “moderation” only exists because I am in his life, but we are both good with that.
He only plays when it doesn’t interfere with our life together – even if it’s just hanging out reading the paper on Sunday mornings, when he *could* be killing zombies or horse thieves or whatever. The point is, he loves me, he loves spending time with me, and when he’s in the mood to decompress, it doesn’t have to exclude me.
We are currently working our way through LOST (you can stream it on Netflix) and that lets us both engage in mindless, enjoyable, couch-based entertainment. We also go hiking (that can fit your pre-nuptial budget) and out to dinner (that probably can’t) and do a host of other fun things that help us feel connected and keeps our relationship fun.
I know the DL doesn’t see the problem, but I agree with you that there IS a problem, and that’s a pattern that you’re going to want to address early b/c it can become insidious. Is counseling an option? Before we got married my husband and I attended just a few sessions of couples counseling, to work on our communication styles (I like communication! About everything! And lots of it! Him, not so much) and it was hugely helpful in allowing us to see and understand each other’s perspective. We have a problem if one of thinks we have a problem, period. Since we love each other, we will move heaven & earth to work it out. I imagine you want the same thing in your marriage, but it sounds like you will have to push to get it. I think you should – you (and he) deserve it!
Good luck!
I know exactly how you feel. My husband and I are hoping to sell our house and look for something new this spring and we were talking about what we felt it was important for the house to have (2 bathrooms, etc). He feels it is important that he have a room to himself for his tv, video games and other hobbies. I laughed and said no. Absolutely not. Why do men think they are entitled to their own rooms now?
I think it comes in phases, as we went thru this with Xbox and Halo. They had a set time, which worked better, because i could either work around it or say, sorry not tonight we have X to do. Like you, I love to Read, love it. So, we would curl up in our respective corners for an hour or so. That stopped for a long time, a few years back. No computer games. Than he became addicted to a few online games, mafia wars etc. I finally told him that he needed to wait till after the kids were in bed, we had our time, and all that. He decided sleep was better. I think the key for us was ground rules. an hour to wind down after work, fine, i’ll grab my book. Obsesive, must play, forget other things, make you want to scratch a game with a key, no, time for him to grow up and learn about compromise.
Oh Heather. I was in a previous relationship with someone like this. It was hurtful and mind boggling. He would rather sit on a couch playing stupid Tiger Woods than actually go outside and play golf with me. I find that people that consume themselves with video games try to hide from reality, but reality can be pretty awesome.
Next time he starts a session of gaming, after an hour try to ask him to go do something like take a walk, see a movie, etc. If he says “no”, then go do it anyways. Maybe he will get a clue.
Is this a once per week deal or an everyday thing?
The “man cave” is a sad excuse for guys to get away with being anti-social. It makes me very sad to see what our society find acceptable nowadays.
You are sooo not alone. My husband started with an online fantasy baseball game that was way more involved then most fantasy sports games. And then we had a talk. Then the Xbox 360 moved into our house and it’s friend the “live” experience. For the most part he doesn’t do it so much that it makes me upset. It did for awhile and we had a talk, one where I tried to explain what I’m feeling (tired of it being the first thing he went to when he got home) and still recognizing that he uses the games to wind down and de-stress. I get it. It helped and for the most part I don’t totally hate it. I just have a ton of random college fight songs stuck in my head at any given moment.
So- we’ve been married for 13 years now, and my husband spends his time in front of his computer, fighting with liberals. He didn’t even own a computer when we met. My point? This is probably just a phase, albeit an annoying one, that the DL is going through.
In his mind, he is hanging with you because you are living together. What you need to do is go watch your tv shows in the other room, help feed the homeless- whatever floats your boat, and come together for a walk, or dinner, or a myriad of activities that are better done as a couple.
Trust me, people evolve. I think that’s one of the reasons there are so many divorces. When I met Jay, he was a long haired, pot smoking hippie. Now he’s a conservative, non-smoking short haired guy. What hasn’t changed is our love for each other, and our willingness to let the other person do their own thing. Love is not doing everything together, just the things that count.
I’m sorry you are feeling so ignored- and rightly so. Go find something that engrosses you as much as that stupid game- and when you both get together, your relationship will be happier. Apparently, much happiness can be found when you are in the “flow”- and time passes without you noticing. Clearly the DL is in the flow and probably not even aware of your unhappiness right now. Let him do his thing, and find your own thing. =)
Well, I’m pretty sure I already have my own “thing.” But when I’m spending hours working on the blog, it’s not at the expense of our home life – if he IS home, that’s what he’s doing – or monopolizing the epicenter of our small apartment with it. I just think it’s a matter of not putting yourself first all the time. I think of him first always – whether it’s not taking the last (insert food item here) because he may want it, or changing the channel because he can’t stand crime dramas (LOVE them). I put his comfort first and I probably should not. A little selfishness might save my sanity.
yes, watch the crime dramas. just do it. he can handle it cuz he’s a big boy.
Well, you probably don’t want to hear my comment, because after a 10-yr marriage (to an immature guy who always wanted to play and spend money while I took care of the house and kids), and several other boyfriends after that, this fish has discovered she’s definitely happier, even joyful…. *without* a bicycle.
I spent many hours when I was married (and in subsequent relationships), also, thinking the same sorts of things (THIS CANNOT BE MY LIFE), and finally had enough of it. I now spend my time doing things that I want to do, not wasting my life because my partner is wasting his.
So…. my only suggestion is… whether you want to stay with this guy or not, start focusing on your own life more and spend more time doing things that *you* want to do. Don’t wait for him. You may find that if your activities don’t include him, he may start to take notice and want to join in. You can certainly invite him along, but if he stays home to play games, then you go, anyway.
Never spend one minute regretting the way your life is. If you feel that way, that’s your inner voice screaming at you to make some changes. Those changes are up to you, and may or may not include a change of boyfriends.
And no, my dad did not have a man cave, either. My dad was a great dad and husband, and when I was growing up, I thought all men were like that. My did was kind of like a Cliff Huxtable dad
What a rude awakening when I got married!
“You are not alone… For I am there with you.”
Sorry your last line brough MJ to my head.
My husband has gone through many phases of this same thing. I don’t know why it happens, nor have I found the right solution, so I can’t be of much help either. For us right now it seems eventually he gets bored with the game, moves back to wanting us time until something new pops up again.
Hate & despise the term “man cave”. My dad had a tiny workshop carved out of the “rec room” (it was the 60s) & my husband has the family room which is generally empty a) because our family is very small & b) the dog hangs out there & she’s kind of stinky. But all the same, it’s not “his.”
I hate the Househunters men who talk about man caves only slightly less then the women who giggle about closets and say “this is fine for my stuff; I don’t know where yours will go.”
Here’s what I’ve discovered in my dotage: You have to have your own life, do your own thing, in order to be happy. Selfishness gets a bad rep. Most women need a little more in their lives.
However.
It is not unreasonable to set boundries. I can’t imagine anything more tedious than a partner who does one thing and one thing only. I had to point out to my husband that all that TV was making him boring to me. We all need time away to do what we love, but well-rounded people are better company.
And let’s remember what we learned in couple’s therapy (not me, but people I know): Frame it as “When you X, it makes me feel Y.” Supposedly it won’t put him on the defensive.
Good luck.
Hi Heather, I’m also an occasional video game widow. Fortunately my husband and I have naturally struck a balance: early in the evening we hang out, watch shows we enjoy together, and then sometime around 9 or 10, when I start to feel a bit sleepy, I’ll curl up and read or stream Netflix shows on the laptop and he’ll play COD. One thing that I like is that my husband doesn’t have the headset. Sure, he’ll yell when people lag (I can’t believe I know that term) but he can also carry on a conversation with me. Certainly not a deep and meaningful conversation, but it keeps me from feeling ignored. Maybe DL would be wiling to retire the headset when you’re around? At the end of the day, if you’re willing to compromise, then he has to meet you half way, otherwise what sort of partnership do you have? Best of luck to you!
Yes, Heather, you need to be selfish. If you aren’t, you feel resentful. And how brave of you to admit it- it must be scary with you feeling ignored and the wedding date looming. It is a good time to question what you want.
I really liked Deanna’s advice. Do your own thing, even if someday it might mean doing it alone. We are meant to be happy, social creatures- and you definitely deserve happiness.
I talked about it with Jay and he suggested having a discussion around what is appropriate amounts of time for personal time. Everyone needs some down time.
Just, ugh. This is one of those times I can feel smug and single (one of the only times, actually). In other words I can’t really sympathize with what you’re going through right now, but I can empathize. What you’re feeling is completely valid, and I would be feeling the same way. I definitely remember times when my ex would spend hours at a time playing video games, but then, we didn’t live together, so I didn’t have to be around for that if I didn’t want to be. Plus, he had other interests as well, so he never became consumed by video games. I read this and I can see why I’m probably still single; my list of requirements keeps getting longer. If there are any tall, cute, smart, grown-up, non-video game playing guys out there, I surely haven’t found him.
I know you don’t want advice, which is good, because I don’t have any. But good luck.
*sigh* For my husband, it wasn’t a video game, it was a BOAT. Every weekend, every night, all the time for three years. Fortunately, we got a nice trip out of it once he finished working on it, but there were times when I would have given up that trip just to have him be PRESENT with me in the everyday ordinary. One thing we did to make me feel better was doing an activity together every week – finding that thing we both liked. Whether it’s dance lessons or a gym class or a racquetball game or hike, whatever, that time was SACRED, that time was devoted to US. Knowing that i could count on that time made it a little easier to deal with him getting up at the buttcrack of dawn to run off to his big fat fiberglass lover. He kept telling me I needed my “own thing” but my biggest fear was that I would do my own thing, he would do his own thing and one day we would wake up and find ourselves miles apart, not doing anything *together.* so, our weekly activity thing helped with that as well as spending time focusing on/talking about “our” dream. The boat was more his dream with 2 of his close friends, it wasn’t something that *we* had planned together. So, when we would sit down at dinner or whatever and talk about our future, trips that we wanted to take, etc., it sort of gave me a sense of security that we were still moving in the same direction. But, i totally feel your pain. And now that the boat part of our life is over, there is part of me that wonders exactly what his next obsession will be…
I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again. You have a really big heart. You are a lovely, lovely, beautiful person. I’m glad you’re recognizing that maybe you should put yourself first.
That’s not selfish! Put your Self first. I think things will look up once you start doing that.
It will feel good, too. I promise you that. We’re all behind you, Fish.
You are not alone. My ex-fiance was addicted to video games. In addition, he was in a financial position where working was not required. I chose to work and everyday I would come home to him in his man chair, his equivalent of the man cave, wearing the same sweatpants as the day before and cursing at zombies. He wouldn’t even pause to kiss me “hello”. This was one of the reasons, out of MANY MANY, that we didn’t make it down the aisle. Fish, set boundries now otherwise you will end up resenting not only the zombies and the violence, but the DL as well.
Love the new site, btw!
You are not alone. My husband used to be a WOWer. I think I remember you mentioning that the Dork Lord was as well. He has since quit, but we now have an Xbox and Kinect. Though lucky for me he actually doesn’t like the shoot em up games. I will take the Xbox over WOWing any day. I’m much more calm about it all now. Every once in a while it gets me riled up. I feel for you.
Love the new site, been following for years!
I have totally been there! I have a (totally unscientific and sexist) theory about this…Here goes: Guys have an evolutionary need for challenge and competition. When modern, everyday life doesn’t fulfill that need(e.g., unexciting work), guys transfer this energy into activities that simulate challenge and competition in a socially acceptable way (e.g., video games, fantasy football, watching sports). As women, we don’t have this same evolutionary drive so it’s hard to understand why guys can spend so much time/energy on games.
So, if this theory holds, then a solution might be find competitive/challenging activities that you are also excited about. Board games? Training for a triathalon? Dodgeball league?
Just a thought…
Ha, you might be onto something there.
AAAHHH!! Have the same problem. Except we bought a house with a basement ‘man cave’, and he never goes down there, because he “misses me” if he’s in another room. So I get stuck watching him play the stupid games. We have a 9 month old daughter now, and I’ve actually had to tell him that Call of Duty isn’t allowed in the house, because its too violent. Thankfully, he agrees. It took 5 years & eventually having a child before he realized exactly how much game time takes away from ‘our’ time. He has found the easiest way for him to make the balance is to just not buy new games. That way he doesn’t have the temptation. So in a trade off, I buy him a game for his birthday, christmas, etc., and accept the fact that for the 3 weeks after (or however long it takes him to beat the game), his focus will be on the game. Unfortunately, there was a lot of arguing before we reached this balance. As I type this, I realized that he started ‘not buying’ new games when we were saving for our wedding. Not sure what kind of investment the Dork Lord makes in his hobby, but maybe something similiar would work for him?
Also, in response to your post from earlier in the week, about the Dork Lord not feeling like you aparment is a ‘home’, we had the same issue. We had both been established singletons into our late 20s, and had our lives established. I lived like a ‘grown up’, and he lived like a frat boy. When we moved in together, it was a big adjustment for him…and he didn’t know how to express it. But when we finally bought our house, he actually said that the apartment had always felt to him like it was ‘my’ space, and not his. I think it had something to do with the lack of mold in the shower. But in all fairness, I had owned a lot more of the ‘decor’ stuff thatn he had, so it was definitely styled more to my taste than his. We started buying things together for the house – furniture, art, etc., and that made it feel more like ‘ours’ to him. So not sure what your situation is, but maybe it will be similiar stepping stone for the Dork Lord, and as you go from merging stuff to creating new, it will feel more like home to him.
Best of luck to you!
I have to chime in from the opposite side — as my boyfriend is the “widower,” not me. He hates football (seriously, he does. I had to teach him what a cornerback is). I, however, can sit in front of the TV from noon till 11:00 watching 3 games back-to-back. It drives him nuts. We don’t have a large apartment, and so even if he wanted to just not watch the games, he’s kinda forced to. Our compromise has been that I pick one game that I really care about during the afternoon, and if nothing else is on Sunday night, I will watch the last half of the Sunday night game.
I also play video games and he doesn’t. He’ll play an occasional driving game, but nothing he gets obsessed over. So again, my compromise is that I play when he’s fixing dinner (yes, he hates football and cooks. No, he’s not gay
Or I’ll play while he’s studying in the other room (and I’ll turn the volume down really low).
His obsession involves lots of hiking and going outdoors (probably why he doesn’t do the gamer thing). So I try to remind myself of his indulgence of my football watching when I’m falling all over myself trying to negotiate in snowshoes.
All this to say that I think all relationships have either one or both people who have “obsessions” that the other partner doesn’t get.
Heather, I’m divorced after a rocky 17 year marriage with 3 children. One of the biggest mistakes I made was not taking the pre-marriage warning signs seriously enough.
You are not alone… I got married in March of last year, and within a month, my husband’s best man (his best friend) gifted him with an xbox 360 (refurbished, but still) and Call Of Duty–Modern Warfare 2.
At that time, my husband had just moved to live with me and was looking for work, so I did not mind the playing. And, it was a way for him to keep in contact with his friend (he is not so good at emails or phone calls to his friends). Additionally, my brothers also played, so it was family integration.
Now…well… I cannot play videos on the internet because it interrupts his playing. Which means I cannot even watch my girly TV shows that he does not want to watch.
Recently, a couple of changes happened…
1) For Christmas, I got coupons for “Call of Duty” free nights. (You might want to suggest this one to the Dork Lord.)
2) I did the unthinkable and decided to start learning how to play, even though I really do NOT like violent games. We will occasionally play for 30 minutes together in the “Combat Training” part of the game.
4) We actually bought a new laptop so I could watch TV from our DVR through it without his game suffering. (And, our home computer was old and not run primarily in Windows, which made bringing home work rough.)
5) If it gets too close to bedtime, he has to stop playing if I ask.
6) If I put on lingerie, he stops playing IMMEDIATELY… (to his credit, this was always the case)
The situation is not perfect, but it is a little more manageable.
Oh… FYI. My husband mutes all the annoying people that curse, etc. and just talks to his friends via a party or party chat.
I think Melanie and I have a lot of the same solutions, which makes me feel better! I definitely agree about me being in charge of bedtime (or Stuart WILL come to bed at 1am every day) and we definitely put some us time – tv with dinner, walking the dog together – before game time.
Well in my case I’m a Borderlands Widow. We were on holiday at home for more than three weeks and he spent most of that gaming. Mind you I like to think of myself as a gamer too but currently I’m not playing anything as absorbing as Borderlands is for him. (I don’t play Borderlands – don’t like FPS)
But on a positive note – we did get back to having dinner at the dining room table. While we were on holiday meals were eaten in the study (where the pc gaming and blogging happens) which was not good for conversation and bonding. Over dinner is a good time for us to talk and catch up and be together. And we’ve re-instated Thursday movie night as well.
Good luck.
replace Black Ops with Red Death Redemption (or whatever it is – i call it ‘the game where you kill horses’…) and i hear you…
Funny thing is, he and i lived together for a while before recently getting married and during most of that time, he was unemployed. Now that he’s back to work, i’m seeing more video game playing, however, he claims that it wasnt that he used to spend his days playing games, but that its this game, specifically, that draws him in. Oddly, i believe him because i know that before, when i’d call him from work, he wasnt ‘uh huh-ing’ me off of the phone like he does now on days he’s home and i’m not…
so, whats my point, other than comraderie? maybe its just that black ops IS that awesome (my man wants it – i was considering getting it for him until i read this… now i’m not so sure…) and once he ‘wins it’ or whatever it is that you do with these games (there aren’t princesses being saved anymore, huh?) that it will calm down. I’ve already seen a reduction in RDR in my house, (though that might be because he got sick of me saying ‘oh, you are killing horses again?’ (i had horses. I dont approve…) ) but hopefully, the DL’s interest in Black Ops will calm down too…
Perhaps while you are waiting for that day, you can try to foster a new non-thinking hobby together? someone mentioned watching a TV box set – we’ve been catching up on How I Met Your Mother together for the past few months – and I agree that its a good joint decompression activity… maybe if you plant a seed now, he’ll get into it and eventually, when black ops gets less interesting – choose that instead?
Also, our dads did have man caves – they were called garages or basements or storage sheds. the difference is, when they came out of their main caves, they generally had built or fixed something… so it was cool – they got their alone time while accomplishing something. when ‘modern’ men come out of their man caves, all they have is wicked PS3 controller thumb pain… :eyeroll:
Red Dead Redemption is a fabulous homage to the genre of Western movies. The game world was immense, beautiful and wonderfully detailed. The makers of the game spent months perfecting the animation of horses, using some of Hollywood’s best cared for animals.
It was a game about a bounty hunter with a gun, yes, but it was also about the growth of federal government and the loss of that wild, dangerous freedom of the old West. The lead character was a moral one…inside the context of a dangerous world, anyway.
If your husband was killing horses intentionally…that’s a bit messed up.
On your side though, games that engross because there’s a story arc or some definite goal will come to an end. The Call of Duty series (Black Ops being the latest incarnation) has online multiplayer that can be played more or less infinitely should the player have a low threshold of boredom, or if they haven’t played the prior 4 games in the series.
I go through a month of playing them exclusively pretty much every year (not the zombie part though, I can’t stand that) but I’m not as compelled as I used to be.
I’m engaged and will be married in May so I feel your pain. I work with a man who told me that he and his wife have 2 nights a week that are “technology-free”. No computers, tvs, smartphones, etc. I love this idea and am hoping to try at least one weeknight like this with my man. What works for us is stating what I want, like “honey can you watch the game later?” or something like that. My guy is great with stuff AS LONG AS I ASK! He’s not a mindreader and me sitting and seethign never helps.
I don’t have any suggestions. I’m struggling through the same thing myself. And, when his games took precedent over responsibilities in our home, I blew up. We’re working through it but it pains me. I’m trying to do my own thing but he has admitted that he’ll put more effort into taking care of the home before taking care of gaming desires. Just taking it one day at a time. I think what’s key is that we’re talking about this and being honest with one another. I hope you two can do the same.
You are absolutely right about a little selfishness. My husband and I have a similar situation and the only way I stay sane is by putting myself first. We have a more distant relationship then I thought I would like, but you know its not so bad. He does his thing, I do mine, and when we meet up no one’s resentful. My husband comes from a very “fend for yourself” type of family, so I think to him its just normal. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, its just how he rolls. And it drove me crazy until I just decided to roll with him (or without him as the case usually is).
I too helped support my husband as he pursued a masters degree in Computer Science *for 7 freaking years*. First, I sincerely hope your man does not take so long to finish school. Second, my husband likes video games and golf, so when I was not cooking and cleaning so as not to burden him while he studied, I was sitting by watching him play during school breaks. Now that we have kids, I am learning the hard way to make sure that I get time for myself too, but I digress.
What I really wanted to say is that no, you are not alone and it is worth it to work through it with him. Time to decompress between school terms is important, but not all day, every day, for the entire break.
I hope you work it out with him, and my unsolicited advice is that a little selfishness goes a long ways, let him have a *little*, but make sure you get yours too. Resentment is not easy to live with.
“I put his comfort first and I probably should not. A little selfishness might save my sanity.”
Amen, sistah! There are nights/weekends when my husband does things at home (working on band stuff, blogging) and claims, “I’m home! With you! Not out! We’re together!” Um, in different rooms, not interacting. Doesn’t count.
When the world series is on & I’m streaming a movie he wouldn’t want to see on the laptop, but we’re sharing the couch, it’s not as bad. And I don’t mind when he does that stuff when I’m out getting a pedicure or massage. So yeah, don’t wait for him to meet your needs, meet your own and be as “selfish” as he is being.
Am thinking of experimenting with a “date jar” where we each come up with 10 date ideas, and we pull one from the jar when one of us feels like we need to Do Something Together (me) or Get Out of the House (him).
Honestly, I’m glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. My boyfriend (hopefully fiance soon…I hope) plays World of Warcraft. A lot. It doesn’t interfere with my life much because he works nights and I work days so he is mostly playing while I’m at home asleep. I can picture myself getting pretty steamed if he were playing during “our” time. Would the equivalent of this be me inviting my girl friends over to play my little ponies? Because that’s pretty much what it seems like to me.
The word that came to my mind while reading your post is scheduling, but I can’t tell if that’s because it’s a valid suggestion or it’s just the central theme to my life right now. I am in grad school & working part-time & my beloved works two jobs to cover the bills. And we only have one car, so I feel like our lives right now are dictated by schedules: cta schedules, metra schedules, 3 job schedules, and my class & client schedules. Ugh, I didn’t even realize it was that many til I typed it out! But one thing I try to do to make the best use of the times we are together is to make sure that when we’re apart, I get all my individual stuff done. For example he works Tuesday nights so I make sure to get as much homework done as possible while he’s gone. Anyway, what I’m trying to get at by giving you all these ridiculously mundane details of my life is that maybe scheduling in gaming time & quality time would work for you guys. You could both agree that Tuesdays are meant for gaming and he can play until his eyeballs bleed and you don’t have to worry about it, because you know that you both have agreed that Wednesday night is for quality time. And then when he’s gaming, use the time to do as much individual work as possible. I don’t know if that applies to your life or not, but it’s definitely worked for us.
P.S. It’s rare that I’m at an actual computer & can comment so I just wanted to say that I love, Love, LOVE the new site! Well done!
Hopefully he will grow up and mature and move on to golf games with his buddies every Sat morning and Sunday afternoon. lol. I sense that you are hesitant about something.
I learned after the failure of my own 8-year marriage that a disconnected/disinterested/uninvolved spouse was not MY idea of marriage.
The problem wasn’t that I had no outside interests/friends/ hobbies, I had plenty. But like you I still felt that it’d be nice if, you know, once in a while, my husband and I could actually do an activity/dinner/conversation together…like a couple….who love each other…who want to be friends as well as spouses.
When it got to the point that I was lonelier in my marriage than when I was single, I left. And it sucked and I was lonely and sometimes I wondered if I’d made the right decision.
Heather, there’s good advice in all of the comments. You’ve got to decide on your own. No matter how hard it is, listen to your gut…not just your head and not just your heart. Trust yourself.
Uh.. I got some words of wisdom from my mom. Whatever it is that they “DO”. That is all they “DO”. Be it fishing, videogames, hunting, cars, boats. They all need a little “training”.
BTW If your answer to that is you didn’t sign up for training. Think again and consider it a trial run, for training kids.
The other words of wisdom from my mom. “A good blow job will get you anything..” LOL ! So take what you need and leave the rest.
( I don’t know if you can post this, but you gotta admit it’s funny)
jANe…
I think if I ever heard my mom say blow job I would just diet. Right there. On the spot. Die.
Spectacular.
DJ
I never understood the idea of playing gaming hours on end. To me it screams of a desperate need to disconnect from reality. I ain’t that desperate. I’m hearing it’s troubling you, and I believe you’re justified in that. I spent time, just as you are, silently cursing things about my fiancee before we got married. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t been so silent. I’m sure she would agree.
My father is 50 years old, and ever since I can remember, he sat on the floor in front of the TV and played video games. Still to this day. I don’t mind it. It’s his thing.
I don’t play video games, and luckily my man isn’t into it at all either. BUT!! He does sit on the couch after work and watch fox news for hours until bed, while facebooking & texting. I used to hate it, but now I don’t mind. I just sit on the other edge of the couch with MY laptop, or my cell phone, or my kindle. Whatever, so long as we’re sitting together.
And no, it’s not a new things for me. We have been together for twelve years. The difference for me though, may be that we work together all day. So the end of the day sitting together, but immersed in our own “things”, is kind of nice. I can see how it would bug you though, since you guys DON’T work together all day.
Listen, sister. You can sing it, but I’m the choir. Stuart loves his video games. Has had long, theoretical conversations with me about why he loves them. I don’t really love his video games, and I don’t love that we have a second TV for them, in the office, where he kills germans, or zombies, or zombie germans, or whatever he’s killing this week. However, I really love television. And I’ve come to the realization that Stuart uses video games the way I use television: for decompression. Do I wish his decompression technique was the same as mine? You betcha. That would be super convenient! By that token, I guess he would probably love it if I took up zombie german hunting.
However, we’ve made a few compromises. One is, when I’m in the apartment, Stuart plays with headphones, because he agrees that even if I’m watching TV, my TV doesn’t involve screaming little girls (I’m looking at you, BIOSHOCK). Also, hand in hand with the headphones thing, if I want to talk to him, there’s nothing more important than me, so he slips an ear out and doesn’t give me grief about it. Another thing is, on weekends, if there’s something we could do together, that’s always the first option. Gaming is more best done when I’m ALSO decompressing (in front of the TV) and not when we could go to the movies, or out with friends, or even share the grocery shopping (because nothing says I appreciate you, baby, like playing games while your wife is lugging home fifty pounds of COMMUNAL FOOD from Trader Joe’s).
Conversely, I just don’t give him grief about the gaming at all, because it makes him feel bad because he’s already being accommodating in all those ways listed above. I don’t make fun of the games, or roll my eyes when he does multi-player (which is rare; Stuart doesn’t enjoy 14 year olds screaming racial profanities in his ear either), or tsk tsk when he splurges and buys a game new. I also agree to listen to him describe some interesting element of game play, and read articles he sends me examining the culture around a particular game, because that stuff is interesting to him.
So, yeah. It’s been six years but we’ve slowly hammered out an awareness of where the other stands. Stuart knows that part of my concern is “will you be playing this crap when our kids are crying, or worse, watching?” and he asks me to take him seriously enough to assume he knows when it’s appropriate (when your wife and her glass of wine are being ridiculous over Grey’s Anatomy) and when it’s not (when your toddler is pooping on the floor).
There. That’s far more information that you wanted about our marriage, but I thought you’d like to know that YEAH, you’re not alone. It sounds like you and Chris have to talk about those boundaries, and some compromises, and you’ll find a way to both come to some basic understandings, I promise!
The antisocial aspect of doing anything loud and engrossing that doesn’t involve another person in your space is true regardless of whatever that activity is. It could be playing guitar or trombone, doing loud hammery woodwork, or practicing one fourth of a barbershop quartet routine.
I’ve loved videogames for their escapism for as long as I’ve played them, back as a 10 year old kid playing on a BBC Micro via a tiny black and white monitor (after homework had been done). These days it may look like a violent indulgence on the outside but at its core for me the framework of an enjoyable game allows you to focus and explore its possibilities in different ways – in the same way people enjoy allowing their minds to rest inside the framework of possibilities of chess or monopoly …or Settlers of Catan.
If you accept that then it’s a small step to understanding that the challenge and intrigue posed by an electronic world alone is nothing compared to one with thinking human opponents (or opponents that give all indications that they are capable of thinking) or teammates…
…and recently games have started to offer more than just that abstract context for your brain to recreationally explore. For me, at least. Krissa mentioned Bioshock, which, for all its sensationalist gore had a plot centered around the philosophy of Ayn Rand and a twist of which O. Henry would have been proud.(M. Night Shyamalan would have dismissed it as too hard to spot beforehand) The most recent incarnation of that ever-present specter of the videogame world, Grand Theft Auto, had several moments where the plot and characterization evoked the sorts of reactions you would not normally associate with something called a game…pathos, regret, empathy.
There’s humor, intelligence, genius and more to be found if you look at the entire ouvre and divide out the violence or even whatever makes up the spectacle…
Now I’m done defending video games…maybe Chris would like some of these? He can keep the game sound AND chat to himself.
This is one of the biggest reasons I’m still single — I don’t want a guy who plays video games (like a needle in a haystack these days), and moreover, I don’t want to have kids who play video games nonstop (even rarer, I think).
I cna’t help but reply… I struggle with these kind of questions weekly, and I think regardless of the specific issue (video game playing, clubbing, working too much) the main issue is that it’s something that detracts from the relationship, and is that acceptable/live-able/sustainable? I’m having such a hard time figuring out what my ‘deal-breakers’ are with men. I mean, if he plays tons of video games but is am amazing friend and lover does he get a pass on this? If he’s completely unreliable but smart and interesting and he loves you, is that enough? I can’t decide either.
But enough about me – back to you. You love this guy, he is a wonderful man, and you have already decided he is ‘the one’ so it’s just a matter of getting past this little bump. You are not alone (not in video game addicts, not in oblivious boys, not in any of it), but that doesn’t make it less annoying! Talk to him about it. compromise. Find a new hobby to do temporarily until he beats all the levels and gets bored. Maybe this is his tactic for mourning the pup. If you can work through planning a wedding and life in general, you can get through this, and you know it!
Fish – you are not alone on this one. What worked for me was to explain all the things I did so we would have time to spend together and he was using that time to play a dumb video game. I get up at an ungodly hour to go to the gym so I can be home right after work. I do the grocery shopping even though I HATE it because he has a longer commute so I can get to the store and back before he gets home from work. I do these things not because I want to but because it gives us more time together to hang out. So, it would be nice, if during that time we was not killing zombies. That seemed to do the trick. He still plays some evenings after I’ve gone to bed or on the weekends when I’m out with the girls. But once I come home he makes a dumb joke about Marissa being home and having to go to Bed Bath & Beyond and tells his buddies online he has to sign off. And then we curl up on the couch together (or do whatever is on tap for the day).
How ever you go about it, I’d say something now before it turns into a bigger deal than it is and you explode. Well, that’s what would happen to me at least.
My husband has a “man cave” though I put that wording on the top of the things I do not say because it’s annoying (see also: honey-do list). It is in our basement where he has his games, a tv and a comfy couch and he got this room purely for my sanity because I hate loud noises, explosions, gun noises, and his cussing when he gets mad.
I realize this is his de-stressor (just like mine is watching bad reality tv that makes him want to scratch his eyes out) so I would never ask him to stop. My method for dealing with it is just doing my own thing, informing him when I feel ignored or when I want to do something together (not nagging all the time about it makes those moments stand out so he immediately listens and stops what he is doing), and tasking him with doing the laundry at the same time since his “man cave” is right next to the machine and dryer.
It works for us, but then again I’m not someone that feels the need to always do things with other people or be around other people (not saying that you do, just a general statement), so honestly I quite enjoy my alone time while he is engaged in battle.
My husband (11 years now!) goes in spurts with his video games, so I’m not really in the same boat. But he does have very busy seasons for work. In the last few years I’ve started mentally excluding him from our family during his busy times. It works well insofar as it keep me from getting angry about him not doing family stuff. After all, if he’s not really a member of the family, I can’t expect him to go to church/parties/events, etc, can I? The problem comes when he’s back to his regular schedule. It’s been taking me longer and longer to let him back in. What I’m saying is that you need to be careful about the ‘You do your thing; let him do his’ advice you’re getting. It’s easy to go a little too far with that.
No, you are not alone, although I have zero experience with said situation. As a somewhat objective observer, however, I note that it is possible that your DL is (might be) using zombies as a means of getting over the loss of his furry bff. There is a point at which you, as the girlfriend/fiancee/wife-to-be can put your foot down, but again, NO IDEA how to do that. Good luck! (Sorry I am not more help – even in the “you’re not alone” category…..)
You are definitely not alone! Seems to me every husband or boyfriend has their “thing”. Be glad he’s not in the bar every night or worse. That’s what I tell myself
I do find that men and children are very similar and need limits & boundaries.
Hope that helps!
My husband has not changed his gaming habits in all of the ten years we have been together. If anything, they have gotten worse because as his salary increased, so did the number of gaming systems we own and the size of the televisions he plays them on. But last weekend I had the realization that the people he’s playing these games with are other people’s husbands. Meaning this is probably a pretty common issue. It is really annoying, and to be honest, it has made me doubt if I even want children with him because I envision a baby crying and me running around like a chicken with my head cut off while he is sitting in a stupor on the couch with his stupid headset on and a controller gripped in his hands. It does make me feel better after reading your post and all of the comments that I’m not the only one. And sadly, we don’t even go grocery shopping together any more.
Hi Fish,
I want to chime in and say no: you’re not alone. i don’t have those problems as my husband is always working but I would feel just like you feel. I think you should set a time, away from home, like at a restaurant etc and lay it all out to him. How you feel, suggest and discuss ways to work through it. Now is certainly the time to deal with these issues, setting boundaries etc. Wish you all the best.
I do not think you have unreasonable expectations of modern men. I don’t think men or women who spend an inordinate amount of time playing video games are really prepared to engage with real life at an adult and productive level, some people never are, and that it ok if it is what makes them most happy. When you sit endless hours in front of a TV or computer immersed in a fantasy world your are saying “this is more important to me than anything else I could be doing” and “I care more about being amused and feeling relaxed than I do about taking care of real life things”. I’m not saying there is something explicitly wrong with that choice, I just don’t think that people who are making that choice are ready for the more “grown-up” or productive phase of their life. For me this includes things like marriage and baby making, if grad school is driving a grown man to play endless video games, how will his reaction to endless screaming babies be any different. Everyone should be able to pursue the things that matter most to them, the difficulty comes when one partner prefers to pursue comfort and the other prefers something more active and ambitious. For some people, constantly having to feel like “the grown-up in the realtionship” is a deal breaker.
Dear Fish,
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Feeling ignored is the absolute worst. I feel for you and I hope you and the boy can work through this.
Much love. I’ve been reading your blog forever, and your wisdom has been a guiding light for me in my own relationship adventures.
I don’t know that I can offer any helpful advice beyond what has already been given, but I will say this: through many trials, tribulations, tears, and a whole lotta late-into-the-night discussions, Hubby and I are VERY different than we used to be. I was the one giving everything , all the time, and he was the one taking care of himself first. I became resentful, he got defensive, and we almost lost each other.
I had to learn to be more selfish, while he learned to be more selfless. And getting older, going through more adult experiences (having kids, losing a parent, paying the mortgage, etc.) has helped us both to turn to each other, as well.
As women, we have to learn to vocalize our needs. Because our men, as much as we love them, are not as intuitive as we are.
I’ll try and offer up a different perspective =D
I’m a gamer and so is my boyfriend. I have to admit it’s a huge bonus because just like I understand when he goes Call of Duty crazy he gets that I’m going to do the same thing when my games are out-or when I have a new book I will not be leaving the sofa on my day off. It seems silly and I totally understand that for someone that’s not into gaming it can seem dumb or childish. Despite being a gamer I sometimes get annoyed at the noise or the fact that all he wants to do is shoot zombies while all I want to do is cuddle. First person shooters do not lend themselves well to cuddling.
So what to do? I think curling up with your nook while he plays is an excellent idea. So is getting him a set of headphones. Maybe start watching a TV series together? Something you could both look forward to watching! I suckered my boyfriend into watching True Blood and now he loves it more than I do. And if you’re feeling extra daring…maybe dip your toes in the video game water? If you don’t have the cash to blow on video games maybe browse his collection/borrow from a friend. Even if violent bloodfest gun games aren’t your thing there are snarky puzzle games, exciting adventures that don’t involve grenades…I still think Guitar Hero is stupid but it’s fun too! You might be surprised. Or not. You never know! (Yes I’m a horrible salesman)
But I’m rambling! D= Sorry Fish! I guess my main point is I think your making the right effort and you are by far not the first girl to roll her eyes at her mans gaming habits. Also? Be a little selfish. Lead by example, if you don’t spoil yourself a little why will anyone else?
I don’t have a bicycle, so I can’t weigh in on that. I have noticed, though, that I’ve really liked your honesty and your writing since you moved back to this site. Thanks for sharing yourself.
Oh Fish, I feel your pain. My now ex boyfriend was a WOW-er, in addition to his many other games. He told me that his previous girlfriend hated him playing, so I played the Cool Girlfriend card and didn’t say much about it. So while he played in his guild (yeah, kinda hate it that I know that term and others), five nights a week from 7 – 9:30, I had time to myself, which is a double edged sword. It was great to be able to watch TV (which was in the same room as his computer) or go out with friends. But it also sucked when I wanted attention during those times and he was busy with his guild…or I had to bring dinner over to him and ate by myself at 8pm instead of with him at 10pm.
My suggestions to you: tell him how you feel and why you feel. See if he can limit his playing time to something that you both can agree on, whether it be x-hour to y-hour on z-days or a number of hours each night. Like the other posters said, I think finding something you both enjoy doing would be cool too. And when in doubt, I found that standing between him and the computer/TV in something cute from Victoria’s Secret usually did the trick… “Do you want to play with them? Or me?” (Although from experience, I could only pull the VS move when he wasn’t in the middle of killing something or on a guild raid…it worked best when he was playing a single version or just bs-ing with his friends.)
Good luck!
Hmmmm, I agree and I disagree. But that’s not why I’m commenting. No one wants to be told what to do. No one wants to be telling someone else what to do either. And feeling ignored is the pits.
That being said, people are going to have time consuming hobbies, and whether or not they are important to you is irrelevant. As another commenter mentioned – she had the same problem with her husband and a boat. My boyfriend? So active. So so active. Which is great in some respects, but not as much on my lazy days. And definitely not great when my run is only 4 miles and his is 18.
So this is my suggestion, if it’s not video games, it could very well be something else. And a bunch of communication may not be the best solution right now considering the fact that he is grieving. He may need to retreat a bit into himself, gain some perspective. I would consider the time another hobby would take….say, cleaning up a boat? Marathoning? How many hours a week would that take him away from you?
I’m not sure how long this has been going on, but his (and your) dog was just put to sleep so you may want to allow a little more time.
And as the others have suggested, take some time for yourself? Find a hobby that does not involve being around him and his video games. Give him a chance to come looking for you instead of always being there with your nook. You may be watching this a little too closely given the context of everything. A beloved pet dying is stressful. Being in debt – stressful. Getting married – also stressful. Talking about ALL of it? SO stressful. Maybe stop watching the pot?
Just feel better and know that this comment is meant with sincere best wishes.
You are not alone! Would setting a time limit help? Three hours plus on the weekend = excessive.
Dammit Fish! I finally have a day in which that song *doesn’t* get stuck in my head, and you go and use it as the title for your post. You’re lucky it’s so awesome!
As to the actual topic of your post, I wish I had some advice, but it’s not a problem I have any experience with. My hubby and I are both fairly rabid gamers, and since I enjoy killing zombies even more than he does, I can’t really complain when he gets hooked on a game.
Oh man, Heather. This is such a loaded issue to leave yourself wide open on. Not only wide open, but asking for input. Brave, brave woman. Of course, I guess when you said specifically that you want to hear that you’re not alone, what you really want to hear is that many women have this issue with their partner, and it’s OKAY. The problem is, I think a lot of us have had this problem with our partners, and it SO totally wasn’t. Okay, that is. Because my relationship with a guy who sounds scarily, scarily like the Dork Lord? Ended in the Big D. Not Texas. I know. I know you don’t want to hear that. But every time I click on your blog lately, I just feel worried for you. I really don’t mean to sound patronizing. But I could have written so many of these stories myself, seriously, almost word for word. So many of the issues that you talk about. . .well, let’s put it this way. You seem to be saying, over and over again, that there’s X problem and Y problem and Z problem. . .but he’s so great. He’s the one. You’re committed. I just keep wondering WHY? Before you get defensive, think about this. If you had a friend as beautiful, smart, successful, etc., as you are, engaged to a “really great guy” but his issues were of the monumental sort? Wouldn’t you be telling your friend that a few of those monumental issues are just too much to try to ignore, and that there ARE other guys out there that CAN live up to her expectations?
I know. Everyone has issues. No one is perfect. I know. But I’ve been married twice, and one of them was in the “I don’t love x,y,z about him, but he’s so great! Otherwise he’s perfect for me!” camp. He was. And you know what? After several years, x, y, and z turn into XXXXXXXX, YYYYYYYYY, and ZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!! Seriously. There are some differences that are so fundamental, they just aren’t workable. I’m not presuming to know that these issues between you guys aren’t workable, I just hope that YOU’RE sure. My first husband was the sweetest thing in the world to me. But then he’d turn on his video games instead of studying. He’d get C’s and D’s in classes, but stay up until 3am playing. I was working THREE jobs (one full time, two part time) to put him through school, and THAT was the thanks I got? Girlfriend please. And that was the week nights. Weekends, he’d go to his friends’ places to play with them, and I’d lay awake in bed wondering if he’d be home before daylight. Wondering why he’d rather spend ALL weekend with them than hanging out with me, going to a movie and maybe walking at the trail or running errands. Why was I married but doing so much by myself? Sick sick sick. I remember those times and I just want to go hug that girl and tell her it doesn’t have to be that way, not all guys are ADDICTED like that.
My husband now? Guess what. He plays video games. X Box, Black Ops or whatever it’s called. But, through NO negotiating on my part (this is how he did it way back when I met him), he plays once or twice a week, for maybe two hours, tops. And now that little ones are in the picture, it is ONLY after they’re in bed. And other than that few hours a week? He reads. Tom Clancy, Robert Ludlum, etc. He checks out the news on CNN or ESPN online. He calls his mom, his brothers, old friends. He talks with me. *nerd alert* if a new Harry Potter book has come out, we even read it TOGETHER, reading aloud to each other. Up until last month, he spent hours a week studying, because he just finished an MBA program.
Of course he’s not perfect, but I know what it’s like on both sides of this coin. There’s an imperfect, human husband who shares your interests and respects you, and then there’s someone who’s just too different and doesn’t get it. And in my opinion/experience, won’t ever.
Okay, having stepped away for a second, and also read through some of the comments, I realized that I needed to make an addendum. In reading your post, I was making the assumption that you’ve probably tried to set boundaries, make rules, establish compromises. It sounds like this has been going on for a while, and based on what your personality seems like, I totally assumed that you’ve already hit those things, and thus a post like this means that the DL hasn’t gone along with any of it. But then I noticed Krissa and Stuart’s comments, and it made me think: if I’m remembering right, I think that they’re good friends of yours in real life? So if they’re suggesting the compromises and boundaries, I would assume that they would know you haven’t tried any of that yet. So I wanted to amend my comment to say that, in my first marriage, I didn’t just jump ship when the dude started spending more intimate time with a video console than with me. I DID do all of that negotiating, setting boundaries, trying to make compromises, with my ex husband. And he just didn’t work with it. He’d pay lip service, then ride roughshod over everything we agreed to, everything I desired. No respect, no empathy for me. Those are dangerous, dangerous things to be faced with in a marriage. But by all means. If you haven’t tried that stuff yet, I’m certainly not saying BREAK it off NOW. I’d never suggest that a relationship isn’t worth that work. Certainly try those things. Krissa had some really excellent suggestions. I was commenting assuming that you had tried it all and been met with refusal, like I was. If that’s the case, it’s another story entirely.
I’ve been reading your blog for while and I’ve never felt the urge to comment…however: I’m happy that you have found someone to spend your life with, but I’ve noticed that this issue of him not spending time with you keeps coming up. You said that if it’s not the video games, it’s a friend’s house (and I believe the friend’s house was a problem before if I remember correctly). I think you need to address this now, I believe you said you had with regard to the friend’s house. Perhaps an earlier comment’s recommendation of counseling is the way to go. He needs to understand your perspective on this and make some compromises, because it sounds like you’re the one making all them. There are problems in all relationships, but you’re not married yet. If you’re this unhappy about a particular behavior pattern, it should probably be addressed now. Just my 2 cents.
Put the playstation on ebay ….
This may be an obvious question, but have you two hashed this one out yet? I mean, have you said these words you’re saying here to him? I don’t mean to sound obnoxious at all. I recently had an incredibly insightful moment with my therapist where I realized I was resenting the hell outta some of the stuff my fiance was doing, but I never talked to him about it. Strangely, what with my passive-aggressive tendencies I’m working on, it hadn’t even occurred to me to say anything so straight up to my fiance. So I’m throwing this one out there just in case.
My SO’s hobby consists of working.
Keywords: compromise and respect. He doesn’t just answer every job call during vacation anymore (actually, since he got his Crackberry and can read his email, the calls have decreased significantly) – he does an hour of emailning when I go shop or when we lie on a beach, for example. He works later on the evenings when I have plans of my own so that we can spend the next evening together.
My part in this is realising that I knew who he was when we started dating – he will always be one of those who works a lot. I made the decision that I still love him and still want to be with him for his humor, his intelligence, his incredibly dorky sides and his amazing cooking. But we’ve had our fair share of arguments over this during our 9 years together until we found a compormise which worked for both of us.
I think it is important to be honest about this as early as possible and find an ok compromise. We figured things out by deciding how much together-time we both wanted after all housework and work/studies was done – and the rest was individual time to be spent however we liked.
I can offer a little perspective from the other side of things. I’m a married guy, with a one year old son and ever since it’s release back in September, I’ve been addicted to Halo – Reach. Why? I have no idea, I just find it immensely enjoyable. Does my wife enjoy that some nights during the week I’ll slip out of bed and go downstairs and play for an hour or so? Probably not, but I don’t do it every night. I try to strike a balance. Also, there are some rules that I follow when it comes to playing. I don’t play while my son is awake. So it’s either during nap time or after he goes to bed for the night. I also make a very conscious effort to spend time with my wife instead of with my XBox. We’ll eat dinner together, either while my son is still awake or right after he goes to sleep. We’ll watch TV together, and most times I’m passed out after a bit of TV watching. I only go and play when my wife is watching something, either live, or on the DVR that I have absolutely no interest in watching (The Biggest Loser, Grey’s Anatomy, Dancing with the Stars), that kind of stuff. She knows I have no desire to watch that stuff with her, just like I know she has no desire to watch me play Halo. So we strike a balance there. She’s going to watch the stuff I don’t want to watch, and I’ll play. Again, its all about trying to strike that happy medium. Good luck!
And, I did buy Black Ops, I’m just still way into Halo to pop it in!
@Kara: “But every time I click on your blog lately, I just feel worried for you.”
I swear, I’m not trying to be unkind or dramatic and I love reading about your life and understand it’s rare to get that kind of access/ability to comment on someone else’s issues… but I have to say, I agree. And Fish, I know what you write here is only a tiny slice of the picture, and it’s filtered through your view and intended to be entertaining, etc. But still. I would *definitely* try to broach some of these issues before the wedding. As someone who’s been reading your blog for years, I’ve noticed that the frustrations with DL seem to be… growing. Sometimes outside observers don’t know what the heck they’re talking about, and sometimes… they can see things we can’t, because we’re in the thick of it. y’know?
Hi Fish, long time reader, and for the first time I feel I have to comment. I’ll echo a previous commenter who realizes that you don’t want people to tell you what to do, you just want to know that it’s “ok”. I’ll add to that to say that no one knows what is going on inside a relationship except the two people in it. And no one can “predict” what what will happen (in terms of breakups/divorce/etc) and it’s really not worth the energy to try to. Therefore I am sure that there is a lot more (good and bad) going on in your relationship than we are privy to.
I will say that marriage is amazing, and incredibly hard. Having gone through tragedy this year, I can tell you that if there wasn’t a solid base of communication, mutual respect, and mutual goals and values, we would have been destroyed. As someone who was single for many years my initial glee at finding “the one” and getting engaged and then married has now been replaced by a deeper understanding of what life entails. Now is the time to ensure that you have picked someone who will be there for you irregardless of whether you are pushing out a baby, grieving a loss, or sitting on the couch. Knowing that this was the case for me is what enabled us to survive. Counselling has been a blessing, and given us new strategies and understandings to work through disagreements. I recommend it to pretty much everyone I know who is getting married/newly married now, if I don’t think it will offend them
This is my worry for you. It gets so so so much harder. If life is feeling mundane and disconnected with him right now, I’d be scared. Now, should still be honeymoon. Really. It should be. When there are kids and sleep deprivation, and stress, and sick parents, you need a guy that is in the thick with you and spending those precious hours trying to make life better with you. I worry.
Heather,
I hate to be one of the “mean” commenters (and since you’re now moderating comments, I probably WON’T be…which is fine, because this is for you, not your readers), but what, exactly, are you getting out of this relationship? Besides being able to share expenses? I think you are such an amazing, intelligent woman, and I’m just not sure that you’re being appreciated and cherished the way you DESERVE to be.
I know it’s not fair to judge someone else’s relationship, but I really hope that you don’t ignore the red flags that, from what I’m reading on a fairly regular basis, seem to be popping up, well, fairly regularly. If you’re actually considering couple’s counseling BEFORE the wedding, then maybe you should reconsider your plans…. (I’ve always been told that the problems that exist before marriage only get worse after.) Nevertheless, I wish you the best.
Does he read your blog? Maybe it would be helpful if he read these comments – somehow opinions sound different when they’re from strangers vs. girlfriend/wife.
I’m married, but not for the first time. I’d say from experience that anything that bothers you now is going to bother you a LOT more a year into marriage. Don’t compromise on something that is important to you. Especially if it is a need vs a want. If you need lots of “us” time to be happy, getting married to someone who refuses to give you that might not be the best option.
My husband would do anything for me & vice versa – and that quality is what makes a marriage work.
Hey Fish – long time reader here, I don’t think I’ve commented before (maybe once?) But anyway. I just wanted echo the sentiments of other readers that you definitely sound frustrated as of late and I think you’re entitled to be. But I hate the “oh no, trouble now, it can only get worse” kind of warnings. I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to accept losing your weekends to Black Ops – but it doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed! Things can get better as long as the DL and you are willing to communicate and come to an agreement about how to handle the situation. I don’t buy that every problem in a relationship always gets worse (and that hasn’t been my experience with my fiance, who I’ve been with 4 years and have an 8-month old son with). I mean, isn’t the point of marriage that we make the commitment to grow and learn to become even better partners for one another? I would just bring the problem to him and if he cares for your feelings and respects you, then you two can find a way to fix it.
Can I just say that I …don’t get it. I hear the “Oh, yeah, I’m a (fill in the blank) widow too”, and I don’t see how anything that makes you feel like that could possibly be acceptable. No grown man in a relationship that I know of, including my husband, would allow his woman to feel like that. So, I guess I’m saying that no, your expectations are not out of line.
I, too, don’t want to judge or sound rude or anything else negative. But I would also be greatly concerned about the strength of your relationship lately. I remember posts about him being gone all the time at a friend’s house. Figuratively “shutting you out” after the passing of his dog. And now, choosing video games over couple time.
I wonder, how much do you communicate these concerns with him? And do you communicate them before or after you write about them? I’m assuming he HAS to know that you blog, and in being your fiance, if he knows about it, I’m assuming he HAS to read it. (because how odd would it be if he didn’t know, and in knowing, didn’t read? anyway.)
Assuming he reads the blog, I’d then assume you must have communicated such thoughts with him prior to writing, in which case, it would make more sense and provide a bigger picture to your readers if you would share his side too.
Cause otherwise, we’re just left thinking that your relationship really isn’t looking too great right now.
Again, honestly, no judgment. Just concern.
Okay, I think I’m going to close comments now. Even in the most well meaning of intentions, the concern is being taken just a little bit too far. So much dread and alarm, even when meant helpfully, is still dread and alarm. Little overwhelming.
Perhaps it needs to be said that I’ve never written about anything in my relationship that I had not already brought up with the Dork Lord. He doesn’t read the blog because he doesn’t want to. It gives me freedom to write without restraint. You don’t get to hear his side, because it’s not his blog. It may also be helpful to note that while yes, things are difficult right now, you’re also looking at a two month period of time surrounding the long, slow death of his dog. And it’s definitely shitty. And we’ll definitely have to fix some stuff.
Anyway, I appreciate very much the helpful advice about counseling, compromise and scheduling – especially from gamers!