Sometimes, I mistake the hum of the elevator for the vibration of my cell phone. Just now, as I was drying the dishes, I heard a low buzzing sound and my heart jumped. I wasn’t thinking about the elevator. So I immediately dropped the measuring cup I was wiping, and as it fell with a clatter onto the linoleum counter, I was already sliding across the tile in my stocking feet. Around the corner, I skidded to a halt in front of the ottoman where my phone sat, dark and motionless. And I felt stupidly disappointed. Again.
I went on feeling stupidly disappointed for a good little while until I remembered that I had promised myself I wouldn’t do this again. Ever. So I picked up the phone, scrolled down my contacts, hit delete. Then I shut off the phone and went back to my dishes.
Good sir, you have just been next!ed.
Well done!
Will you come and do my dishes too? I will loan you my phone to delete names out of willie nillie. I bet you will feel so much better for the cleanliness in both my sink and my phone. HA C-ya soon for GIRLIE time. (boys, who needs them, as FB would say *w)
I love deleting numbers out of my cell phone. There is such satisfaction in writing on the current disappointment. Oddly enough, it almost invariably results in that person calling me in the next day or two. It doesn’t matter how many days, weeks or months I wait to delete them. It’s like some kind of psychic charge they receive.
Someday, there will be one who is worthy!
When I was dating (i.e. searching for the love of my life) I too used the cell phone contacts as a proxy for my personal “in” list. It was so satisfying to physically delete an “offender” out of my life.
It’s funny how my wife entered my cell phone, and life, early on in my dating “career” and has remained there since.
Ugh, I hate that feeling. Good for you for nexting him.
I am trying really hard to break free of that habit. Its funny how complimentary and “in to you” someone can be initially and then totally disappear. I don’t get it, but I try not to take it personally
I wish I had the strength…you know what, I did it. I DID IT!
Thanks Fish!
I have my own solution to this one- I change their name in my phone to “Don’t Answer” or “Lying Asshole”. It won’t save you from skidding across your kitchen when the phone rings, but it will save you from answering unprepared when a number you don’t recognize pops up (because really, since cell phones took over our lives, do we really know anyone’s number anymore?).
But feel free to gloat with pride at the strength it took to delete. It does save you from the equally troubling option of wanting to make the drunken call someday. Sadly, my irrational mind has overridden even these reminders on previous occassion.
It’s both sad and satisfying. I have the same Pavlovian response with the ding of my email. The occasional offender gets cut from my contact list and banned from my inbox. Oh, yes. Strangely satisfying.
Good for you.
Can you next someone who is a friend with benefits turned psycho? I’m thinking the nexting concept only applies to people you actually like more than just a “friend.” I don’t know…
You know, sometimes I wonder if deleting a number works at all. Not that it is my place to talk about my friends (without benefits), but even though she has deleted this loser’s number from her phone, they still text each other every so often. I keep on telling her that she’s pretty much torturing herself.
So what are you going to do when the phone rings and no name pops up on the cell? Assume it’s him and ignore it, or answer it? And what would you say if it’s him when you do pick up? Nexting is easy. The hardest part that we all have is what afterwards. I don’t have the answer. Neither do my friends. Keep us posted on this nexted guy. =)
Exposed, I love your take on it. Great idea!
Aw baby you don’t mean that. I’m sorry. Come back to me, honey. I won’t hurt you again.
“funny how complimentary and “in to you” someone can be initially and then totally disappear. I don’t get it”
Sonia… I call it the Xmas tree syndrome. One day you are a Xmas tree and they are 3 y. old little kids, the next day, it’s january 5th and you are down in the gutter with your ornaments… and then it’s time to say “next!”… Do not allow yourself to be treated as a Xmas tree anymore!
What a weenie. I’d call you…and talk dirty…(dishes)
One time, I went on a phone “embargo” for 3 days (I shut it off and didn’t listen to voicemails) so that I wouldn’t feel bad that he wasn’t calling (of course, i had memorized his number so just deleting wasn’t good enough). My friends had to email me if they wanted to communicate with me. I highly recommend it.
I once left my lunch on the bus. I cried.
I can’t bring myself to delete his number from my contacts… and I am disappointed day after day when I hear my text message alarm go off and it’s not from him.
Exposed, I too have my own special code for those calls I don’t wish to answer. I do plan to steal the “Lying Asshole” one.
I’m in the process of next’ing someone that I fell pretty hard for. When I receive a text message and it’s not from him, I feel bad. However, I know how “not into me” he is. I keep reminding myself that I am not a side dish–that I’m a full course meal, and that his lack of attention to me shows he thinks I’m just a side dish. I deserve better.
Love the Christmas tree metaphor. I feel so January 5th…
God I love deleting people from my phone. It’s so cathartic.
i love this post and these comments.. makes me feel less alone, although not that much better. i’m not a deleter unless there’s been a very serious offense, so i’ve dealt with it by assigning a different ring to those ‘special’ numbers. that way i don’t have to deal with the jumping heart every time someone calls me, and the fact that i *don’t* hear the special ring sends me a different kind of message. (speaking of.. i still haven’t found a way to deal with that pesky one-size-fits-all ‘text received’ sound.)
Oh Thank Jeebus i’m not the only one who jumps at the vibrating phone sound. I have resolved to keep it on tune, until and unless I’m at the symphony or something, then i just turn it off altogether
sucks when you have memorized the number, but its slowly being forgotten…
Good for you Fish for nexting the guy!
All night I’ve been doing laundry, and each time I run back upstairs I check my phone to see if he called. Thanks for the reminder that I deserve a guy who calls when he says he will!
Um. I need to do that.
Good for you! I know the feeling unfortunately too well…
Does the clothing principle apply to cell-phone numbers too? (ie, if not used for a year, get rid of it)
I love the “Exposed” method – no nasty surprises or cryptic text messages.
Go Fish for learning from mistakes. That’s another one out of the race. Let’s hope the next is a winner.
I so needed this post right now….However I still don’t have the courage to delete “said number” out of my phone.
Rent an old movie called Singles. I so identified with one gal in that movie. I think it’s a phase some of us have to go through.
You will meet the right guy someday and you will know it. There won’t be any worries.
You, my dear, are inspiring! I hate how glued I am to that damn cell phone and how I consistently base my self-worth on if he calls or not! I am NEXTing him TODAY!
Wow, it’s great to “not be alone” on this issue, but it sucks for all of us going thru it the analogies are helping me a lot. Thanks for the eye opening.
The very day you posted this, I next!ed someone from my phone. And after reading these comments, I just turned my phone off. It might stay that way for a few days. It’s more a safeguard against my making a call I would potentially regret. If he wants to get a hold of me, he knows how. If not… his loss.
I have a mantra I have learned to live by:
Never make someone a priority who is only willing to make you an option.
First: cell phones on vibrate. I CONSTANTLY think mine is going off, yet I never hear it when it actually goes off.
Boys who don’t call: Uhm, in a word, suck. And also you do deserve oh so much better, so good for you!
i SO need to remember to do this too!
thanks
Rhi,
Love the mantra!
Can I adopt it?
I once assigned “Cry me a river” to a particularily egregious asshole, never expecting to hear it. Imaging my shock months later when I that ringtone actually went off!
Now I just delete them. Even if you make a mistake and answer when they call, they get the point quick enough when you are like ‘who is this?’. They are invariably surprised that someone actually deleted them from their phone. NEXT!
That is more fun than deleting emails-why do we save these things? I bet the only number most single men have saved in their phone is their mother’s… hence the reason for being single.
I deleted my mother-in-law’s number from my husband’s cell… now THAT my friend is a victory!
Sometimes, silence can be SO deafening…
seems you have written a handful of keitai related posts recently…
I was in the middle of China a year or so ago, and my good friend who I was staying with told me he had had it with the bloody thing and without thinking twice threw it into the river…the flight from hand to surface of the river was something else…
You are my hero!
lol…mistaking other noises for the vibration/ring of your phone, actually hearing it and hoping its him, and deleting his name from your phone when you thought you had enough…done it ALL but it doesn’t help when you memorize the number or when he finally decides to call. it sucks but its life…
I never post, I religiously read and I understand, empathize, relate and am following in your footsteps 100%.
PS: Rhi, I’m stealing that line.
PSS: When there are places like this, its so hard to feel alone.
Thanks for that.
You have just inspired me to ‘next’ a few of my own
Oh my gosh! This is my favorite trick for taking back control of a situation… even if it’s only for my own satisfaction.
Well done!
you. are. my. hero.
teach me.
I’ve ‘nexted’ many-a-times! It’s totally a sense of release, even though we all know it’s not an easy thing to do.
So many great thoughts in the comments above. It’s reassuring that there are so many wise, down-to-earth people out there that I have yet to meet. THOSE are the people I really need to surround myself with so I don’t find myself ‘nexting’ the next one!
Hi Fish, my daughter turned me on to your blog and I love it (so yes I am older than your other readers!). I do believe some things are timeless, and waiting for guys to call back is as old as the hills and we have ALL done it.
I will say, however, after hearing countless stories from my daughter and her friends, that unfortunately in many (but certainly not all) cases, todays’ women sleep with guys before they know if the guy will ever call them back. I do not know Fish, or any of the other commenters, but may I be so bold as to say this is never a good situation… There are very few real life Samantha Joneses, and most women get more attached to a guy after they have sex.
It makes me feel so sad to hear about great, smart, talented young women pining after guys who view them simply as someone with whom they have had sex, and who may call them weeks later if they want to have sex again.
I hate to say it, but I can relate. I love reading about the dating drama. I’m right there with you. Can u believe the way some guys act?!
For “An older reader”: I appreciate your thought process but you might want to give us more credit. Thinking that our being upset is based on the fact that we’ve slept with them is kind of insulting. Sometimes someone just sparks something in you after a few dates and you want to hear back (and haven’t slept with them). We are a smarter generation of women than most give us credit for…we do enjoy sex, and can get attached, but it’s not always about that. Again, appreciate the thought process but you just put blame on us instead of the guy who’s treated us badly…for no reason.
OMG – I have done the cell phone dash for the imaginary call/text too many times to count. Hope Nexting takes care of the problem.
I love these posts. Oh so many words of wisdom from wonderful women….
I have just “nexted” my guy from my land line and my cell phone. Now, I am having a challenge deleting the many old emails we sent to each other. It feels like I am throwing away old love letters. Some are really quite nice, a reminder of better times. I can’t quite get rid of them yet. I wish I could save the emails, without the constant reminder. Any thoughts???
Oh I have been out of the game for a while, so it took me awhile to understand what you were deleting. I couldn’t understand why you would delete a call that didn’t happen. HAHAHAHA. Ok I got a funny. Good for you!!
This is hilarious.
Great post!
I love deleting them out of the contacts – it’s such a freeing experience isn’t it?
BridgetJones –
if its GMAIL you can click the Archive button… it doesnt delete them, but it does get them out of your inbox and therefore, out of your sight… sorta like putting them in a dark corner of your closet – only to be discovered if you go looking for them.
It’s amazing what deleting that number can do for a girl’s nerves. If he’s not in your contacts that he means he doesn’t exist. And if he doesn’t exist then his phone call or lack thereof doesn’t matter.
BridetJones–don’t get rid of the emails. Either create a folder for them so you don’t see them every time you open your inbox, of copy and paste them into a word document.
I for one don’t believe in “nexting” guys. You had a connection for a reason and it’s sad to try to delete it from your life. I actually save my AIM conversations (which I have much more frequently than email or phone). Then I reread them, during the relationship and months later after it’s over. It’s so enlightening and useful. Plus, there’s always the chance you’ll get back together (if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen), and then you’d be sad you got rid of the memories of the good times.
i know it sounds cliche but i’m sure he didn’t desrve you. i think your writing is f’in fantastic. keep you the great work.
To Leah and esp. Fish, whom I may have insulted- I didn’t mean to! I reread my comments and regret the tone. It’s just that, I’m a mother!
Besides my daughter, I also have 2 sons. My husband and I have been a part of countless conversations on relationships with our kids and their friends over the years. There has been appallingly bad behavior by both genders. As a young person cries his or her eyes out after being treated badly, you cannot possibly imagine how an adult/ parent’s heart breaks. You know how you want to fix a friend’s destructive behavior? Imagine if it’s your child…
If I had to name the main difference in post-breakup conversations between my daughter and friends vs. sons and friends, it’s this: I have never had a guy say he regrets sex, no matter how horribly he was treated. However, I can’t count the times women have said “Thank God I didn’t have sex with him!” if a guy turns out to be a jerk. It’s a double standard but true, in my experience.
Sorry to get off topic of NEXTing.
Great blog! Love the title! A very wise male friend of mine led me to your blog and told me I would enjoy it. And he wasn’t wrong!
To “An Older Reader” – thank you for that reply. It’s lovely that there are people out there who truly care about the people in their lives and will go to great lengths to protect them. You’re a gem!
Agree w/ John on “Nexting is easy. The hardest part that we all have is what afterwards.” I nexted my ex who cheated on me, then a week later we became friends with benefits. I acted all cold and “over him” to a point that he complained I was too cold. Then I told him I had to stop seeing him becoz my new guy saw his car outside my house and asked me. Of course this new guy never existed – it’s just my revenge plan! And it works becoz he got all mad and hurt. But then now what? Yes I hurt him back (hooray) but I still miss his hugs and kisses. So now we both suffer. I deleted his number too but we still text each other. I guess instead of deleting, we should block the number entirely next time.
I wish i could do the same. I have my ex in my phone contacts still…and still talk to him. I wish i could be as strong as you. Although, i know there are no feelings for him.
Ah, Fish. Sometimes it’s hard to give some good sir the mental “next!” when you need to. I’ve been there, a couple of times, and I’ve found that I always feel better…free somehow…when I head off what would probably have just been another sad situation in the end *before* it gets all sad and weepy.
Good for you!!
not hard at all, right?
Oh, Fish… this is the first time I have posted, although I read your blog religiously. I truly hope this is not Goldner of “Golfish” the swiss army knife randomness guy. That would truly break my heart. Three years of “friendshipwhateverness.” I had such high hopes for him.
From This Fish: Oh dear. Maybe I should set this straight once and for all. While yes, Goldy is a lovely human being, he is my friend – my dear friend who is dating one of my best girl friends, and I expect that they will live happily ever after. In fact, I plan on wearing obnoxious purple taffeta at their wedding.
When I first read the title of this blog entry, I immediately thought of that horrible reality dating show that comes on MTV, Next!
I’m actually surprised no one else mentioned it. Just think about how much easier dates would be if, halfway through, you could just say “Next!” and they’d be gone. On the flip side, if you got nexted, you’d get paid a dollar for every minute you were sitting next to the sucker.
*Sigh* Yea.. it’s terrible mind rotting tv.
I’ve been (casually) seeing a guy for the past 5 months, and he still calls me almost every day. This might be a result of the fact that I work remotely, so am only in town every second week, and that it’s a “casual” relationship, but frankly I get the feeling he’s just a considerate guy who doesn’t play those dreaded “games”. It’s great, and when I find a real boyfriend it’s going to be a requirement high on my list.
Dating is like the field of dreams, only less wholesome. If you delete them . . . they will call. Good for you, lady.
My first time here, entertaining and wow, so instructive. Yes, I “next” but, sometimes putting an X or a Z or even a triple ZZZ will make that I.O. almost disappear, so that you’ll never need to scroll past his name on your contacts list again. UNLESS he calls, and then you’ll know. It works for me.
wow… only wish that i could have found your blog years ago… might have saved me from making some very stupid mistakes in life….
good job on nexting him…. i think that it may be time for me to do that….
I hate that feeling of dropping everything and running like a bat out of hell to your phone. Or continuously checking it thinking “maybe I accidentally put in on silent and I don’t remember…” fat chance. Good job on the deletion!
I have the feeling I’m getting the brush off from a guy who weeks ago was crazy into me. i spent tonight with self imposed “cell phone check times” 1 1/2-2 hours apart at least. he never anything-ed. so I came to your site to remember I’m not alone. There are other awesome amazing women who are single. So thank you for writing on this experience. Rekindles the faith I sometimes can’t find on my own. Thank you.