“I can’t wait to read about this.”
Ari and I were tucked into our seats, waiting for Premonition to start when she plopped down in front of us. I sighed and rolled my eyes as deeply into my skull as they’d go.
I knew who she was. I heard her come in several minutes earlier, sit down a row or two behind me, have an argument with someone and then make a big, big issue of changing seats. Seeing her sort of brought everything together in one neat, spazzy little package.
“She’s a party planner,” Ari said. “Part time. Just to have something to do.”
“When she’s not on the treadmill or in therapy with her tiny, yappy dog.”
Here are the things you could tell just by looking at her: she spent too much time in a tanning bed and not enough time eating. And she was much, much older than she wanted to be. The lines around her pursed mouth and eyes suggested late thirties, early forties. But by the ponytail braid (it was something to behold), and the baby voice she used, she was clinging to her glory days with an iron will and a grappling hook. You could practically hear her inner Tri-Delt screaming, Look! I’m young! And cute!
And she was neither of these things. She was insane and irritating. Perhaps that was the reason for the Smurfette act. If she appears young! and cute! her horrifying behavior won’t seem so bad. Gosh, it must be nice to be delusional.
Her husband/boyfriend/irritated male companion, was clearly used to her ridiculous antics. He didn’t even turn his head when she stormed off, up the aisle, to find another seat. Again. Five minutes later, she was back, sulking in her chair, knees pulled up to her chest (See? on top of young! and cute! I’m little! I take up practically no space!) chewing on a straw. I mean, really gnawing at that thing. I wanted to distract her and replace it with a Slim Jim or, at the very least, a stick of licorice. Some kind of nourishment.
Anyway, back in her seat and determined to have another go with the irritated male companion, she recommenced nagging. The man didn’t take his eyes off the screen for a second. Which didn’t help us one bit, because the more he ignored her, the louder she got.
So Ari started mimicking her.
This is the part in our story where I nearly wet myself – from the hilarity and simultaneous fear that the forty-year-old cheerleader was going to leap over her seat and jab my eyes out with her mangled straw. Thank the lord for well-timed previews. Once the screen flickered to life, Smurfette put a sock in it, and Ari and I spent the rest of the next two hours listening to the folks behind us rub each other vigorously, and comment on the fatness of America between chomps of popcorn. You know, standard movie theater stuff.
(Regarding Premonition: they should hand out samples of the drugs they were taking when they made this movie. You know, so that we could all be on the same wacky page. Otherwise, you leave the theater without understanding much more than crows blood is seriously icky, people actually still use answering machines, and Sandra Bullock has real pretty hair, and wishing that you’d spent your $11.50 of ticket money on whatever she uses for such well-defined waves. Wait for the DVD.)
I heard that movie wasn’t very good. At least you had entertainment in the theater.
You think you had it bad watching sharing the same movie theater with that broad. I worked with that broad!
Thanks for the movie review. I was thinking about seeing it, but instead will wait to rent it. I agree – Sandra Bullock has beautiful hair. I bet we all would if we had plenty of expendable cash and a pit crew armed with hair dryers and curling irons ready to commence “pretty” when we gave the word.
As for the woman, I have one of those who I work with, except she is in her mid sixties trying desperately to come across as 19. I not only want to cut off her big, frizzy hair that makes her look older, but I also want to burn all her clothes. I don’t know any 19 year old that would wear what she does. Rain boots with dalmations on them, anyone?
“She was insane and irritating. Perhaps that was the reason for the Smurfette act” I pretty much blogger love you just for comments like that.
I think I work with that chick. The other day she said in a work lunch, “I hate all the skinny women! We REAL women have meat on our bones!” If by meat she meant her DDD boobage then she has it…but if she meant her waist size well…size 0 doesn’t cut it buddy.
Sounds like I missed a good one. The mimicking might have been worth the $11.50 but I just could not pull myself from the indent in the sofa!
This sounds like another round of your your own personal whacko. Where do you find these people?
When the trailer doesn’t make sense, I’m always a little scared. Thanks for the heads up, I’ll skip this one!
I must say, I love old women trying to be young! My Aunt is the same way! She’s a TWIGGY women! Size 00 and all, but seems to think she’s HUGE and looks old…yeah, okay!?!?
Thanks for the movie non recommend
I’ll be skipping it! Well, maybe when it’s on OnDemand and FREE!
HEY. Go easy on the Tri-delts.
I took my much younger brother to go see that new eddie murphie move where he dresses up in a fat suit and plays every third character in the movie, kind of exactly like the last 17 movies he’s made.
We had the misfortune of picking the last two available seats in the place next to a mother and all five of her children, ranging from ages 2-4. My brother, who will be able to drive about the time I am entering a nursing home, is seated next to a child of indeterminate sex or age, who proceeds to lean over his chair and STICK HIS HANDS IN MY BROTHERS FACE. REPEATEDLY. Literally touches his face. The mother sees this and says nothing, apparently glad at least one of her brood is amused.
I was so enraged I almost left the theater, but for my brothers sake I just switched him seats. And spent the rest of movie with sticky toddler fingers all over the left side of my body. Ugh. There is nothing worse.
First thought: Save the cheerleader. Save the world.
Second thought: You should have seen 300 instead.
Oh my gawd… I AM that broad.
On my first and only trip to NYC, the wife and I saw 3 movies. Yes, we go on vacation to one of the greatest cities in the world to see movies. Oh and our first afternoon in Manhattan, I think I ate a hotdog on every block from 54th to 59th, then we went to Fossil and they broke my watch and we paid $80 for breakfast in Tribeca, which I hear is cheap. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
That might just be my secretary, come to think of it. She shops at “Forever 21″ though she’s much closer to 50. I shop at Sears, though I’m closer to 21. Go figure.
Things I think about every day:
“Gosh, it must be nice to be delusional.”
Total crack up! Thanks for the laugh.
If you want to see some hot dudes, and even hotter ass, I suggest 300. I didn’t have the slightest interest in it, but took my son. Let me just say. Oh. My. God. I’m still having palpitations from the hotness of it all.
She probably looks like the women we have over here who wear pink velour track suits, and carry Chanel purses, with their dogs in them, frosty lipstick and bling….
*shudder*
Holy crap with the $11.50…we’re still at $7.50 for students (at least I think so, now I’m not so sure). I’d have to be VERY sure of the movie before I popped for that much money.
Although I do love Sandra – I didn’t see how there could be much more to the movie than what the previews had already given aways.
People still use the term ‘broad’? Really?
11.50 for a movie ticket? holy hell.
Here in Maryberry BFE, Kansas it’s still “only” $5 for a movie…adult ticket (really!)
Your Smurfette comment reminded me of my daughter shunning the “in” crowd. And I quote, “From prom queen to Dairy Queen.”
And from the other side of the coin: Yes, it *is* nice to be delusional. On the plus side they give out really good meds. ;>
I’ve seen those women at Barneys. With men buying them lots and lots of stuff. And always shook my head in wonder and confusion.
So, a movie with no answers? Darn it. I probably would have seen that one, hoping for a good payoff. But then, Lost hasn’t given one yet either.
OK i MUST say the Movie Is AWSOME and completly worth seeing but it is very confusing so i suggest watching it then heading on over to IMDB (Internet Movie Data Base) so you can understand whatever you didnt get at the theatre in short The movie was fantastic and
*** Sorry, Marrie. The movie has only been out three days. I can’t post a spoiler here or people would be pissed. ***
This is a fantastic movie i had yet to see a movie where the reaction was so intense and with so many people (The place was packed) so i would recommend this movie for sure!
It’s good to see Nicole Richie stills gets out.
Also, I use an answering machine. On my prehistorical stone age land line!
I don’t understand why any relatively sane man is with a woman like that. From your descriptions she doesn’t sound even remotely worth being around. My only conclusion is that, judging by her oral fixation with the straw, she is able to suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.
And I must say, I’m still floored by the 11.50 movie ticket price. I guess being a midwesterner does have its perks.
I didn’t enjoy the movie, but I agree, Sandra’s hair was pretty stellar. After awhile I stopped focusing on the kid with stitches and started wondering, how does she get such pefect curls?
Fish – I’m an avid readed and appreciate your humor, but I must say that I’m a woman in her late 30′s and I think NOW are my glory days! No, I dont try to dress like a teenager and God knows I love a bacon cheeseburger, but I think that referring to the late 30′s or early 40′s as being so old is diminshing to what life is like at this age; I am more confident, more free, more beautiful and at one the best places in my life thus far. I hope that the true point of your story is that women should embrace whatever stage of life they’re in!
myccrt, you are totally missing the point of the post.
The woman WASN’T embracing her age- she was fighting it- and doing a miserable job at that.
In Judaism, we have this thing called lashon hara. You should look into it.
In 10 years come back and re-read this post. I think you are going to feel much differently about that woman and your attitude towards her. I know what you may have intended to convey – the sadness of people clinging to lost youth, however you came across as “what a loser, doesn’t she know she is never going to be as young and hot as me again. She needs to just give up and get a pair of orthopedic shoes.”
pfffftt…
Lighten up ladies.
Fish, you came across just fine. If some of your commenters actually READ your blog, they would know you are a far cry from the “look at me in all my hot, fabulous glory” girl.
HI-larious.
Two words – Staten Island.
Everything Brian said up there goes double for me. And that’s saying something, cause I do everything I can to avoid men named Brian.
Jillian – we also have this thing called humor. You should look into it.
Also, throwing Hebrew legal terms at a lapsed Mormon smacks of hubris (which is a Greek term; look into it).
P.S. About 80 miles north of NYC and I pay $6.00 at the movies in town; $4.00 before 5 PM!
Ha!
Fish! I check in and read your pieces whenever I can. I always have a laugh! So very true again this time around!
This is my experience:
I am young and cute at 25. And at my last job, the older ladies in the staff room (teachers of course) had a problem with that. They are in their 40s and 50s. They said as much. What they wanted was for me to dress and act 50. Because that would make me “mature”.
*sigh* lolz. You know a woman with a mature mindset when you see her able to accept who she is and enjoy it! That 40 yr old cheerleader is ridiculous. And so is the idea of a 25yr old acting 50 for that matter.
I’d have laughed too if I had been in that move theatre!
I don’t even think her actual age was the issue, it was how obnoxiously she was trying to cling to the idea of young and pretty to make her neurotic behavior seem charming instead of wacko. And while it may seem like female-bashing or age-bashing, it’s just plain annoyance with the senselessness of it. I’d be irritated if a woman of ANY age was acting like that, but you can hope that it’s just a phase in a younger woman. Anyhow, I can totally relate to this scene.
So, I actually googled lashon hara because I was curious. And I have to say, I happen to find FISH’s “evil tongue” and “bad mouthing” very entertaining!
So, thanks for giving this sometimes-Catholic a Hebrew lesson… And please remove the stick from your heinie. =)
ahaha Julie: Sometimes Catholic! AMEN!!!
Fish, I am SO offended.
This was f-ing hilarious. Honestly, who pulls their knees up to their chest in public past the age of 4?!
My daughters and I saw the movie. None of us liked it. We debated alternative endings, but couldn’t agree between different ‘feel good’ endings and ‘powerful impact’ endings.
I’m a 43 year old woman and I embrace my age and looks today. I am truly better than I’ve ever been. I agree with your assessment of the woman in the theater, though. It’s sad to see someone fighting reality, instead of accepting it. She sounds like an unpleasant, high-maintenance woman regardless of what she’s wearing. I dress age-appropriately. Even Jamie Lee Curtis with her awesome body has said she considers whether something is age-appropriate. Wasn’t it in Forrest Gump, someone said, Beauty is, as Beauty does. Kindness and graciousness gives a beautiful glow.
To clarify:
Harsh, personal citicism in a public forum of random individuals on the basis of their physical appearance is simply not kind. Apologists might do well to put themselves in the target’s shoes before jumping in to perpetuate and/or defend this sort of behaviour. It’s not contributing anything to a society that needs to care a little bit more about its individual members.
As you were…
Wow, Jillian. I bet you were a lot of fun at sleepovers…
I won’t apologize for caring. Have a nice day.
Two more words: New Jersey. She sounds like the ex-cheerleaders from my New Jersey high school, all still dressing like they’re 17 (and now coaching cheerleading of course). And she had a ponytail braid? Classic.
I think that lovely lady’s carbon copy was on my flight home from Vegas a few weeks ago. There was this woman a few rows ahead of me, with the loudest, whiniest voice I have ever heard. And she was having a huge blowout with her man. Using language that would make 50 Cent blush. At one point she threw her engagement ring into the aisle of the plane. At least she was more entertaining than the in-flight movie.
I totally agree with you Jillian.
I read this and just thought “miaow”.
Fish you must of been having a sad day if the best thing you could come up with was a nasty bitch about a complete stranger, based on her appearance?? What’s that about?
This is the result of a life-long obsession with “buy this/change that/apply it here and you will be beautiful.” I live near LA and these women are everywhere. Men, too. Beauty is great and fun, but not at the cost of being yourself. Eventually we will all be 50 or 60, etc. if we’re lucky, so let’s stop defining beauty by youth right now. And I’m not even talking about inner beauty.
my eyes and ears bleed every time i’m forced to watch a Sandra bullock movie (except for Crash. that one doesn’t count).