February, 2007
I know I told you he was a liar and that he unstrung me. Ruined parts of me. So it might not make a whole lot of sense right now when I ask you – when I beg you – to lie to me.
I want to hear that you get it – that I’m exceptional, that you’re fucking lucky that we met. That there isn’t anyone who thinks like me, laughs like me. That there isn’t anyone who deserves better than I do. And I want to hear endless excuses that you’ve taken time to build. Layers of lies to cover up for the times you let me down. I’d rather hear silver-polished loads of rubbish now and hate you for it later, than despise myself all along for tolerating your lazy indifference to me.
Either way, I’m the sucker. And it’s easier to call you a liar than to own up to the fact that in your eyes, I wasn’t worth the effort of deception.
So been there done that. I love you you’re worth the effort.
Whoever it is, so doesn’t deserve you. I’m not a good liar, but I would totally try to lie to you if it would make you feel better.
Girl, it’s tough and we should kill a man, but it is just teaching you a good lesson! MEN SUCK sometimes, but THE ONE is SO worth all of this BS!
Realistically frank and honest (Billy Joel’s ‘Honesty’). An intimate, commited relationship deserves at least 3-a-day. I don’t think lies s/b part of the cycle but that’s the sad state of the sexes (Mars, Venus). It can be changed by one honest Venusian and Martian at a time.
Oh c’mmon.You know you are better than that. I have no clue what you are talking of, but no one is so darn worth it that you doubt your own self.
interesting way you put that… i always think the liars are cowards, but i think i’ll adopt your theory that its almost a compliment to be worth that much effort…
I think we dated the same guy. We’re both better off without him.
ouch. girls are so irrational. i’m going to say i have never felt like that. how was that for a lie, huh??
But since it’s now June 2007 and you’re on a different spot on the map, he’s history right? And you are all those things! But not in a lesbian kind of way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
So honest that it makes me want to cry.
wow
i’ve written something similar on my blog.
mine was more of a thank you…thank you for being an ass and letting me go. thank you for destroying who i was so i could be a better person now.
take care
I am living this right now. This whole feeling, this wish for him to lie. This head-in-the-sand hope that maybe I’m just reading the silence wrong.
Good for you for owning up to it. And good luck!
Try listening to the song “Thank you” by Jamelia. . .
You deserve honesty, not lies, not deception. You deserve truthfulness, and you are worth more than excuses dreamed up over time. He (whomever he is) never deserved you; he was simply something that made you stronger.
So going through that right now myself. Here’s to not compromising ourselves the next time around, eh? At least you’re figuring this out at 28 rather than 30. In any case, he’s the lesser person for not seeing your value.
So beautifully written it stung my eyes to read it again. I hope the wounds have scabbed…and those scabs fell off somewhere in March 2007.
Nicely done! Exactly how I felt once….
Of course I don’t know who you’re talking about either, but I’ve already decided he’s a wank. You are obviously fantastic as evidenced by all of the people who have never met you but feel such a kinship that they “stop by to visit” you every day. Chin up, fish!
Oh Fish……..
I feel you on this one.
Sounds like someone took the “no-nonsense” approach a touch too far. Could I interest you in some cupcakes?
It is so much easier to hate the other person for lying than hate yourself for hanging on when he obviously (and honestly) doesnt care. I hope the self loathing didnt last long… mine was 4 years.
You so deserve someone that is going to tell you those things and mean them in his heart! It took me 49 years to find someone like that … so don’t give up!
hugs, Tami
We live parallel lives… I hear you… I understand.
I’ve read this blog 5 times now, to let it all sink in. I’ve been going through this for over 6 months, thinking he’s the one with the problem, not me. The real issue is that I let this person take over me, when I should’ve taken his absence and inconsideration as a clear sign of his disinterest. Although holding on is easier than letting go, there comes a point when you’ve exhausted every effort to be with this person. I hope that’s where you are now Fish, and that you can put this behind you and let the one who’s worth it come find you.
I’d rather hear the painful truth than be lied to. It makes me get over it quicker. I would really rather someone to be mean to me, so I have more reason to walk away quicker than to be led on by a lie.
But it sucks all around.
BTW – belated welcome to Dallas. Started reading your blog when you were still in NYC, didn’t realize you were from my neck of the woods! It’s funny reading another person’s take on places I frequent!
“And it’s easier to call you a liar than to own up to the fact that, in your eyes, I wasn’t worth the effort of deception.”
…SO true.
thank you for reminding me of feeling this way. the one that made me feel this way recently called. I had planned to call back, see what he wanted to talk about. thank you for reminding me he doesn’t deserve it.
by the way, you are worth the effort of honesty and consideration.
Oh wow. I could have written that! I HAVE written it, thought it, lived it. Thank yooou for making me feel not so strange w/ the chaos that ls life.
I love your posts like this one…so honest and thought-provoking. I love the fun, anecdotal ones too, but your writing here is great. Maybe because I can completely relate…all I can say is, eventually it will subside and something better will fill the void.
I can so relate. I’m 4 years into a relationship where I’m starting to feel exactly that. How depressing. But wow, what a wonderfully written post. You somehow made pain sound oddly beautiful.
I’m apparently the only one who prefers the lazy indifference, if only because it then gives me a real and valid reason to kick him to the curb if he’s not treating me like I’m worth the effort.
I know what you mean. I recently came out of an experience like this and have finally gotten to the point where I’m not thinking about him all day, every day. It’s a process…
“And it’s easier to call you a liar than to own up to the fact that in your eyes, I wasn’t worth the effort of deception”
That’s my favorite part! I love your writings.
I have to say, since the truth is usually harder than a lie(otherwise why would anyone bother lying?) wouldn’t you rather be worth the effort of the truth than a lie? I would.
Notice you don’t see too many guys posting comments like “I know exactly how you feel!” I wonder if it’s because guys have enough self respect to get out of relationships like that or because girls are generally more attentive.
Wow – so honest and raw…I hear you and have felt something similar.
totally get it.
you should add this to your favorites post
This post obviously hit a lot of people with a resounding PING. Myself included. I get both- the indifference at times, and the lies. Now I will start to think about which one gives me the strength to get out.
as long as you get back up…
The real liar is you. You tell yourself that underneath all of that, he really does care for you. He will change. He really does love you, he just can’t show it. Once you get exhausted enough, you can begin to see the truth – he is not “him” – him who will look you – all of you – the real you – and see something he can never devalue or live without.
“…than despise myself all along for tolerating your lazy indifference to me”.
Yep, ditto. Why do we let people be lazily indifferent towards us?
gonna come out of the lurking closet long enough to say hi and i (and apparently many more like me) feel your pain. i got over it; here’s hoping you will, too. hang in there, kid.
SOMEday, you will be having a quiet moment…. lounging around with future-hubby, and you will be SO thankful that this asshat was weeded out of your life. Seriously.
She went out on a limb … and when the branch broke behind her …
…she discovered she could fly.
Start flappin baby…
poetic and painful
despite what i gather most women think … men go through this too … there’s absolutely NO MONOPOLY on having feelings hurt (and strong feelings at that) … i think the trick is not to put too much mortar in between the bricks we shore up around what we believe at the time was a heart that would never recover … what becomes an issue later is that we run the risk of ending up thinking too much and feeling too little … i know … and yet i still feel the (im)perfect match is there to be found
WOW..I always read your blog…but wow this is amazing…I feel you on this one..Was in something similar for 4 years, broke up for 2 years and now he is trying to get back…i am struggling not to fall for it…Hopefully you can do better than i did…All the best Fish!
Well said, “Rick from Canada.” Fish, take solace that you’re feeling the pain and that you’ve felt the love (presumably). I’d rather be the one who spent the time in the relationship loving and left with a broken heart than be the person who spent the time feeling “nothing” or not allowing myself to feel fully. My guess would be that you’re not the first he’s been lazily indifferent with. It’s easy to feel like you’ve wasted time. But the truth is, he’s the one wasting time. Love and connecting with people is what makes life worth living.
I knew “he” was the next one for me when we had this conversation.
Me:”What made you come over and talk to me that night?”
Him: “Well…I wanted to have sex with you.”
“What made you want to have sex with me?”
“Ummm…well…the way you look.”
pause
“I’ve dreamed for years of finding a guy who is honest enough to admit to that.”
“Thank god! That could have gone *really* badly for me just there.”
We never fell in love but we had a lot of fun, and he forms a large part of the pattern that I’ll compare future boys to.
My point is, they’re not all liars.
To confusedashell:
I went through something similar once, and made my decision when I heard the final lines of “Nothing Better” by “The Postal Service”…
…You’ve got a lure, I can’t deny, but you’ve had your chance, so say goodbye…
He told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted. In exactly those words. And this I believed was a lie. I now know better.
I hope your post granted you some comfort. People can certainly be mysteries.
Hi Heather, I randomly came across your blog and I have been glued to the computer for hours since. I don’t know if you remember me or not, I was friends with Joyce when we were in elementary school and you were friends with my older sister, Gina. I ran into your Mom at Becca Roger’s wedding this February. I thought I’d drop a line (or two). Hope all is well!! -Meredith
PS- Marcy also lives in NY!
Isn’t is amazing how we let these guys make us feel this way, even though we KNOW we’re better than this? You keep your chin up in Texas, girlie, and I’ll keep mine up in California.
yeah I think we’ve all been there. It’s an odd surreal feeling when you realize that you knew all along and helped by lying to yourself. I’m hoping the feeling gets better. I’m just a lovely numb right now, spattered with the realization that he never really knew me, so maybe I’m as much of a liar as he was.
We all deserve better.
Thanks Fish…I needed to read that several times.
Your post touched me. Wishing you all the best in your tomorrows.
Ya, we want you to go where you say you are going, be where you say you are going to be but we don’t really want to know if we look fat in these jeans.
I know your pain
I know your hurt
Sorrow ensues
As you bleedâ¦yet again
One day you will see
One day you will look back
And your heart will
No longer ache
You will see him for what he was
Nothing but a *ucking fake
Then you will appreciate
All of the lies that he told
And thank him in the end
Because he did you a favor
And he let you win
You see, he was never the one for you
Although you thought that it was so
The one is still out there
Waiting for you
At the bottom of the ocean
On a bike
Looking around, wandering,
Searching for someone
Just like you
And he thanks his lucky stars
Everyday
That that one b*stard
Lied to you
And you will thank him too
You have so many good qualities
I look forward to reading your blog every day
Itâs always good for a laugh or too
And insightful in so many ways
You are beautiful, smart, and kind
You do not deserve to be lied to
You do not even want to be lied to
You think that you are only fooling yourself
And trying to fool us too
And make us believe
That you really want to be lied too
But youâre not even doing that either
You canât fool us
We know you all too well
Because we are human too
And we can tell
Lies from truth
your post is so real, been there, let it all go! its not worth it
Kudos to everyone on this board for all of their sympathy, enouragement, and support for Fish.
Thanks for that Fish. I’m still raw from a breakup so they are all liars, some sooner than later…I hope my opinion changes in the future…
Just a little wisdom from my mother: Men are like roses, you have to watch out for all of the pricks.
WOW! It definitely helps open my eyes to my situation that I am currently in… I moved 1200 miles away from my friends and family (when i was needed most and when i needed them most). I feel like a sucker. It’s almost over… the lies and cheating came to surface just 3 years of dating…
Wow. Just amazing.
no, you make perfect sense.
A big o cyber hug to you, fish. You entertain me, cheer me up and open my eyes so often. You are an amazing woman and one day, the right man will see that!!
Fish is human too. lol
Hi, Fish. I may not know you in real life, but I’ve been reading your blog for years and I think you’re wonderful. You deserve a guy who knows that and treats you that way. Don’t settle for less.
You need a little Ani difranco – listen to Done Wrong.
Amazing.That pain produced the most amazing prose I’ve seen on this blog. Raw words=brilliance.
I can’t help but feel that this post is a lie. Sure, you’d rather hear it, but of course the truth is you want to hear it for real….who doesn’t…if you assume it’s a lie then life has a funny way of making it so.
But she was so pretty. He had possessed so few women of such ingenuousness. This love without debauchery was a new experience for him, and drawing him out of his lazy habits, caressed at once his pride and sensualityâ¦then sure of being loved, he no longer kept up appearances, and insensibly his ways changed.
He had no longer, as formerly, words so gentle that they made her cry, nor passionate caresses that made her mad, so that their great love, which engrossed her life, seemed to lessen beneath her like the water of a stream absorbed into its channel, and she could see the bed of it. She would not believe it; she dedoubled in tenderness, and Rodolphe concealed his indifference less and less.
She did not know if she regretted having yielded to him, or whether she did not wish, on the contrary, to enjoy him more. The humiliation of feeling herself weak was turning to rancour, tempered by their voluptuous pleasures. It was not affection; it was like a continual seduction. He subjugated her; she almost feared him.
I opened Madame Bovary to the page containing this passage one day when doing some spring cleaning and immediately sunk to the floor, rereading and rereading. Sometimes realization is such a sudden shock even if you’ve had time to admit to it.
“no fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language and knowledge” -jack kerouac
Who was this post actually about Fish? I am somewhat of a new comer to your blog. Been reading it only since last year. But recently, read all of your archives back to the year 2002. I was just curious. I feel that we may just be kindred spirits. Your life mirrors my own in such similar ways sometimes, that it’s uncanny.