I’m a hot mess* right now, in case you were wondering.
Rememberhow I spent last weekend with food poisoning? This weekend, I did onebetter and spent the better part of the last three days Lamazebreathing through a kidney stone. Whee! That is, incidentally whyyou’re getting trite and tedious** nuggets about sorority girls and thelike – because tales of internal bleeding rated way, way lower on theperky scale. Even with all the narcotics.
In other news, itturns out that there happens to be something worse than having myinsides jacked up by miniature calcium shrapnel and peeing hourly intocoffee filters. And that is – drum roll – waiting to hear if I’ve(finally) landed a job. I’ve been Lamaze breathing through that, too,since last Wednesday.
Being unemployed has been unbelievablydifficult for me. It’s all I think about. All the time. The nurse isplunging a needle into my ass and I’m thinking, Good lord, I need a jobso I can afford to be sick! Or a boy is kissing me and I’m whollyunable to be distracted from the thought that maybe, just maybe, I’llget a job offer in the morning. It’s a real kick in the pants, I tellya.
Maybe it’s so hard because I’m used to having my shittogether. I mean, I haven’t been unwillingly jobless since I wasfourteen years old. You can do the math, but that’s a real long time! And because despite (or perhaps, because of) having a series ofunremarkable jobs over the years, I’m really, really marketable. Nextto “sweet” or “attractive” that’s probably the grossest adjective I canthink of. Marketable. But nevertheless, it means I’ve gotskills. I’m an excellent multi-tasker and a team player and I have anamazing track record over-performing while being underpaid. Whowouldn’t want that?
Okay, and it’s not that nobody wants it; they simply don’t want it right now.I think we can safely blame the economy and the Republicans andprobably the terrorists. But meanwhile, as the powers that be take timeto work out budgets and make decisions, I’m watching my unemploymentbenefits run out and deflecting comments from my mother (if you have amother, and have ever once slipped from your status as childus perfectus, you know what I mean. Of course she’s just kidding, but boy does it raise my hackles).
Also,I’m not sleeping. I’ve basically given up on washing my hair or wearingreal pants, and whether it’s the Vicodin or the stress, I feel likebarfing pretty much all the time. See? Told you I was a hot mess. Thankgoodness Jen is coming from New York on Friday, because by the end of the week, baby’s gonna need a reason to brush her teeth.
* I wanted to say, “hot tranny mess” because it’s really freaking funny, but then I realized I’m probably not Project Runwayedgy enough to pull it off, and it’d be like that time mymother used the phrase “gettin’ jiggy with it,” and everyone just sortasat there feeling awkward. And me, I draw the line on awkward atsharing stories about peeing into coffee filters. Because I havelimits, dammit.
** Seriously, Anonymous, if you’re so upset that the blog has changed in the last… six years,and blah, blah you miss the old, sad, disappointed-with-life me, why isit that keep coming back? Scamper off of to Diaryland. There’s plentyof deeply melodramatic angst to be had there.
I hope the stars align soon for you! By the way, have you tried a cup of chamomile? I swear by it. I’m pretty sure it saved my life.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you land that perfect job! I can understand what you are going through. Well, except for the kidney stone thing. But I’m with you on the rest of it!
Hang in there! Have you been doing anymore freelance work? I, too, was recently unemployed and yes, it’s very stressful, but also a nice break from the crazy, hectic go-go-go of school/work. I thoroughly love your blog and good things happen to those who blog well
Good luck!
Hey Fish,
Ok this is a little strange. I’ve never met you before, I’ve only seen the little pic you have of yourself in the upper-right corner. But I was watching this video today of Improv Everywhere, and I think you might be in it? I put the video as my URL. (I swear its not spam!) Scroll about 1/4 way down the page to the first video and about 1 minute in…is that you? If so, it really is a small world! I don’t know why but that makes me really really happy! Hope everything gets better for you, Fish.
Shana
P.S. You are beautiful. (Whether or not it is you)
You’ll be fine! I have faith in you. I’ve been reading your blog for a really long time and i know that no one who has that kinda persistence, strength (emotional, physical and mental!) and talent can stay unemployed for long; you’re marketable dammit!
Shana,
Comment moderation is turned on. Comments take some time to appear – which is why you didn’t see yours for a while!
And yes, that is totally me!
You can’t seem to catch a break!! I hope the job offer comes through for you, and that when you get health insurance again, you won’t need to use it!
Oy. Please feel better you poor fish. When I hear “hot mess” I think Niecy Nash on “Clean House.”
so, your note to “anonymous” . . . I agree . . . if someone isn’t grooving on it anymore . . .or if their tastes have changed . . . move on and get out of the way of the folks who do still read it.
I think one of the reasons I like blogs so much is because I feel like I really get to know the people who write them . . . kinda like a legal sort of stalking relationshp . . . and having a relationship means seeing change and growth.
I’m not actually a stalker. really.
wait.
real pants? what are fake pants?
(the not showering, obsessing thing I got down; just want to make sure I’m not blowing it on the pants……)
(does it count that today I went out in Wisconsin in below freezing weather with my jammy shorts and a fast food promo tshirt w/ no bra? It was *very* attractive. OH! and the unbrushed hair!)
It’s interesting and hilarious when the vicodin starts talking. Whats gotten INTO you girl. My friend who’s finishing another round of chemo says ‘chemo brain’ is talking. Kept my friend company by sleeping in the hospital overnight (the nurses did not know I was there past visiting hours). I was dressed as a lampshade in the corner with a sheet pulled over my head (like the old 3 stooges episode). The morning nurse came in and I pulled the sheet off and exclaimed like Buckwheat “Here I is!” She screamed and laughed at the same time and almost lost the needles and coatrack of meds.
Hey, have you ever tried acupuncture? If you’re getting sick a lot, sometimes a good acupuncturist can really help diagnose and restore balance. I’m kind of an acupuncture evangelist, so that’s a grain of salt to take alongside this suggestion, but it could be worth exploring.
Also, regarding anonymous, it never ceases to amaze me that people think bloggers somehow owe them something. People like that can have the opposite effect, making writers feel more stifled and resentful. The rest of us are all very happy you’re here — it’s a privilege to read good writing on a regular basis.
Hope you feel better!
P.S. That guy in the video totally hit you with his backpack and didn’t even apologize.
Can’t they do that ultrasound thing to blast the kidney stone so you can pass it in pieces? I wish I could live my whole life in fake pants. I bought my first pair of track pants about a year ago (used to live in jeans before that) and now I’m hooked! I guess it’s a sign of old age
I’ve done some time in the “marketable yet unemployed” trenches…not fun. What got me through was remembering my friend from law school who never stressed about ANYTHING (this man napped on the couch while watching the PGA tour during finals). He had two sayings he lived by: “Things tend to work out,” and “Things tend to get done.” These were my stock responses when people asked helpful questions like, “Aren’t you worried about your career?” (and the super-fun follow up, “Are you sure you’re sending out enough resumes?”)
Hang in there. Focus on getting the shrapnel out of your system. Things tend to work out.
Ahhh.
Those anonymous haters. First up against the wall when the revolution comes – wait and see.
I hope you’re feeling better soon Heather. Not that that will stop us coming back. Your writing – happy or sad – is the reason we come back for more.
Take care.
MarkJ
P.S Where I’m from unemployment doesn’t run out until you find another job. Is it different in the states?
Only someone who complains all the time whilst collecting unemployment would blame the republicans.
Is everyone have a sh*tty February? I’m glad I’m not alone, although I guess that’s selfish. Sorry.
The month is almost over. I’m counting on better things to come in March.
So I’m sitting in the dark listen to the Smiths, thinking about scissors and you’re not? You’ve changed. I thought we had that in common. I am taking your name off of cats #12-27. So there.
What you gonna do with that kidney stone? I mean, you’re going through all that trouble to filter your pee looking for it and all. Kind of like how old miners would pan for gold. I wouldn’t go simply hand it over to the doctor. Perhaps polish it up and find a setting for that stone on a ring? Nevermind, that sounds disgusting.
Aw fish I am sorry to hear about you getting sick then ok then sick again! Believe me I know that was me last month!!!!
As for the unemployment just think of it as an extended vacation……if you get sick of your scenery just hop on up on a plane over to Santa Barbara, CA I got a nice guest room with an ocean view!!
ah fish, i hope you feel better soon! i’ve heard kidney stones are second to child birth in terms of pain, so at least you’ll know you can handle it all now:)
as for your shout out to the anonymous poster, AMEN!
as a writer for a relationship blog that i share with a friend, she was the “taken” one and i was the “single” one for awhile, and since i’ve found a man, i’ve actually had people say “your blog is suffering from your happiness… it’s just not as fun to read anymore.”
people can be so harsh in the blogosphere… especially those who live vicariously through their favorite bloggers.
it’s not all kissing hot boys and drinking martinis, sometimes real life hits us too.
I completely sympathize about the kidney stone. I had two surgeries about 6 months ago. I would have been perfectly fine not knowing the details of what they were going to do, where and with what devices.
I don’t have any magic advice, but sitting around being a pain in the ass for 1 1/2 months seemed to work for me. I don’t recommend this for others.
As far as “Golden-Child” status, I lost that a long time ago when I got my fiance pregnant (I told her that she could then concentrate on her other kid who really needed help). I haven’t really missed it.
Your blog is your blog. How much do we pay to read? Zippo. what kind of vote do we get on content? Zippo. If someone doesn’t like it, too bad. Quit bitching, move on and let the rest of us enjoy some quality writing.
Fish, feel better and again – your blog totally rocks…those who don’t like it can “suck eggs.”
I am going through much the same thing as you, without the entirely unemployed part. My job was “restructured” in August and since then I have been diligently job searching while my employer looks at me everyday like, “how much longer do I have to pay you to do nothing till the chances of a lawsuit are mitigated?” and my Mom acts like I’m (of course, jokingly) some type of loser b/c I can’t easily get another job. Sleep has become this illusory goal, and when it does happen, I wake up covered in sweat and unable to go back to sleep. I have effectively given up going out b/c I can not stand one more false sympathetic comment or line of questioning. So, I feel your pain and hope things work out for both of us quite soon.
(I too have been waiting to hear back from a firm I interviewed with last week and it has been oh-so-anxiety inducing.)
All I can say is keep on keeping on, you left NYC for a reason right? You gotta believe BIG ol’ Texas isn’t going to let you down.
Hope you feel better soon and I just know that job is right around the corner for you! BTW, not that it probably matters much but I still think your blog rocks!
My god! I thought I was the only one that over-performed while being underpaid. I’m glad I’m not alone. I’m sure someone will be smart enough to scoop you up soon!
I sure hope you’re feeling better. Food poisoning and then kidney stone, it’s just not fair!! And good luck on the job. You’re an incredible writer and I’m sure you’ll find something soon!!
OK, now this just makes me sad. You’re feeling poorly about yourself and you’ve been sick, but you are still kissing boys, while I have been employed and (mostly) healthy (sinus infections notwithstanding) and no kisses at ALL. (Pouting….)
Still – Hope you feel better soon, AND that you get the job. You have to let us know so we can have a little champagne celebration here – virtual champagne is better than none at all.
pregnancy?
It’s probably for the best that you didn’t say “hot tranny mess” because then you’d get a bunch of “my mom/best friend/favorite uncle is a tranny, how can you be so insensitive!” comments. I super hated my last job and was desperately hoping to get offered one that I thought I really, really wanted. So to take my mind off of it I got really drunk and then fell down and broke my ankle and vomited copiously on my boyfriend. I didn’t get that job, but I was on crutches for the next 6 weeks. So, no point except that I feel you on the employment-generated mess thing. Good luck and best wishes on your search.
As far as the unemployment goes, I know how you feel. I’m stuck in a small town with no transportation and left my last job a couple of weeks ago. There are no opportunities in the area, and no one to drop me at a new job. But I know I’ll make it somehow (with lots of work), and so will you.
Best of luck to you, Fish! I hope all ends up for the best, and soon. : )
You are so right. My tranny readership would have tanked.
Also, is it wrong that I belly-laughed at your broken ankle and barfing? Hilarious.
- Heather
Hey, Fish – have you seen this?
3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.
It was on MSN today, and it made me think of you. Or rather, something you could make a funny post out of. Just made me laugh a bit.
Doubtful. I heard a rumor that you have to have sex to get pregnant.
Fish, love your posts. I wish I could write like you. I enjoy writing, but you’re a genius. You keep me coming back for more! Thanks.
Hey, just a tiny comment…I love “On the Road” but it wasn’t working yesterday, and doesn’t seem to be working today. Or maybe it’s just me…? I love reading it so I look forward to checking in with you again!
Hey Fish,
Love your blog. Been with you since summer 2006.
Have you ever considered going back to NY? May be I am a bad reader, but I didn’t quite get it why you moved?
dont blame republicans… its not their fault you left a perfectly good job in new york to move to dallas. you should have found a job before making the move.
From This Fish: Oh, no I didn’t. Check your facts. I moved to Dallas working remotely for a company that then failed because my boss went on Safari in Africa for four months with his new girlfriend. THAT is why I’m unemployed.
Dear Fish,
I’ve just discovered your blog, and I think you (and your blog) rock. Kidney stones and all. Keep on writing exactly the way you do. All of us with boring jobs are depending on you.
Hang in there Heather! This too will pass. Sorry for the pun… I guess I’m too old to know what trany means. Give me a comment with definition.
Stones suck.
The worst part about them for me was getting used to them and being able to live with the pain sans pain killers. makes me feel like a masochist.
Why is it that when someone gets called out on their BS comments by Heather, they then feel the need to have a comment war (which they always end up losing) with her on HER blog? Just curious…because maybe they didn’t get the hint that they should just find another blog. We avid followers/stalkers (in reference to previous post) like happy comments that support community…
And for the future, if you want to be catty, at least use your name and not Anonymous. It’s not like we’d know you if we passed you on the street and you had your name posted on your t-shirt and we then felt the need to “jump” you in defense of Heather. There’s a million Jessica, Amanda, Christy, etc in the world, so have no fear.
*Please forgive my sarcastic humor, it’s one of my endearing character flaws.
You know once you get a job and have the health insurance, you will NEVER get sick enough to use it.:)
hey fish,
i’m a regular reader/lurker, as i never comment, but i’m in dallas as well . i work for a fantastic company looking for someone who is smart, enterprising, with a great work ethic…to hire asap.
if you’d like to send me your resume and tell me what you’re looking for, we could see if we’re in the same alley.
just a thought; good luck with your hunt!
anna
Hey Anna,
Got an email address?
Ugh! I’ve had those four times! I thought I was going to die the first time. The worst part was the first time I had them, it was the middle of winter and like all New England girls, I had been lax about the whole shaving my legs thing. Wouldn’t you know the doctor treating me was super handsome. Next to the crippling pain, the vomiting (from the pain) and the hairy legs, I felt *so* pretty.
Hope you’re feeling better, Fish.
I know exactly how you feel about being jobless, unfortunately…
I only just stumbled across your blog, and I love it!
Wow, I’ve had kidney stones, and I’ve been jobless, but never at the same time! LOL
By the way, are you sure it’s a calcium crystal in there? From what I remember, there are three different kinds of kidney stones. After I had mine (and it was more than 20 years ago), I always wondered why Popeye never got ‘em.
So get well, and all the best on a new job. From what I’ve heard, kidney stones can make beautiful jewelry (mine didn’t). For some people, the doctors actually prescribe a beer every day to relax the muscles.
I can feel for you. Being jobless, well, sucks…
Don’t let it get you down. Keep your eye on the prize and stay focussed!
Also, the advertised jobs are supposedly a fraction of the available jobs.
Pick a place you’d like to work and go for it!
Hi, Heather,
You may get a kick out of this: I’m teaching your “Traveling the Too-Much-Information Highway” piece from the NYT in my creative nonfiction class today.
Alex