ain’ t nothin’ funny

April 13th, 2010

The power went out yesterday morning and so we sat around the office toying with our cell phones and asking, “Any news?” for long enough that by the time the server was restored at 4:30, none of us had any interest in putting it to use. Which is to say, I meant to tell you stories about the ranch yesterday but.. well, see that bit about no electricity.

When the ranch owner asked if I would be interested in feeding the baby cows, my answer was an enthusiastic, “Would I!” There may have even been clapping. And hopping. Oh, man. You probably already know by now how much I love baby things. Baby people, baby animals, baby carrots – little is just so easy to love! The calves were no exception. I think that in two days I made at least four trips down to the pens to snuggle them. You know, as best as one can snuggle two hundred pound livestock while they headbutt your crotch looking for somewhere to nurse. They didn’t have snuggling on their minds so much as eating.

There were two babies in the pen – both one half of twins. The female, who outweighed the male considerably, would finish with her bucket o’ milk and then shove her little friend out of the way to finish his. And when that wasn’t enough? Well, she’d latch onto his man parts and proceed to suck on that with just as much remarkable enthusiasm. At first there were jokes about how lucky that little fella was. Oh, ha ha every guy’s dream. But then came the headbutting. I guess calves do this to their momma’s udders, too, but it’s totally brutal. When no milk came flowing from that poor sap’s junk, the she calf gave him a jab that launched his back feet right off the ground. Legs crossed in unison ’round the pen and the joking stopped immediately. There just ain’t nothin’ funny about that.