Apropos of Nothing
My sister just got back from attending an out-of-state wedding at which the bride’s sister… wore a white dress. Wowsers. By now you know I’m not all into the “Tradition says you do this” and “The rules say you do that” when it comes to this holy matrimony business, but hooboy, if there’s any rule which needs keepin’ it’s the one where you don’t compete with the bride! Not overtly, anyway. I mean, it’s okay if you’re just straight up prettier than the bride or say, have better hair. That’s genetics and therefore, impossible to control. Also, if the bride happens to be a totally wretched person and you just happen to not be, you go right ahead and flaunt your non-wretchedness. But don’t dress like her. That’s just way too obvious.
Apropos of Everything
While lying in bed the other night, the Dork Lord and I had yet another very uncomfortable Name Change talk with so many ups and downs, a graphic representation of the discussion would have looked something like the Hulk’s EKG. Gah! I’m not sure how many times I explained that I hadn’t made any decisions, but that I wanted both of us to be open to the options, but it was precisely the number of times he didn’t hear a single word of it. At one point he folded his arms across his chest and grumbled,
“I already know you’re not taking my name. I’ll just have to get over it.”
And then I laughed. Hard and deep.
“It is fairly safe to assume, then…” I said, curing my arms around his stubborn, puffed up chest “…that you have absolutely no idea what it’s like living with you while you’re in the process of getting over something.”
And then he laughed, too. Finally. And thankfully, because we’d never have been able to say our “I love you’s” and go to sleep, the unresolved issue hanging like that over our bed. Not that I slept, really. As a rule, I don’t sleep when things remain unresolved, regardless of the mood of our closing arguments. Conflict is the pea under my mattress – and the pebble in my shoe, I suppose, because the next morning, I was just as unsettled. But then there were red roses and the message, “I always want you in my life. I don’t care what your last name is.”
If it’s ever a question, this right here is why I’m choosing to swear to spend the most complicated, messy phase of my life with this man. Because he loves me. Really, really loves me and in many ways, he’s much better at being an “us” than I am. I’m in the middle of learning this big lesson from him about generosity and trust. Unlike the romance portion of our relationship, effortless and unvarying, the actual commitment and dependence part is really, really difficult. As the Boy pointed out, I’m accustomed to and proud of being independent, of being fully in charge of me, and it cuts him out of the equation sometimes. Figuring out where I end and he begins means I still have to remind myself to insert him into that equation. I’ve said it before: math is hard.
The reality is, what’s in front of us is messy and loaded with decisions and situations that will require a whole lot more than a coin flip or a well plotted Excel spreadsheet. Because that’s what marriage and children do – complicate every itty, bitty thing. Some won’t see it that way; I got what I wanted and now I’m complaining. But frankly, anyone who says otherwise is overdoing it on prescription medication or simply and totally, 100% full of shit. I’m not saying it isn’t wonderful; I’m saying it isn’t simple. One thing I know, though, is that I chose the right person to get messy with. Because at the end of a sleepless night (and there will be many) we somehow always find a way to strip it all down to what’s important: I love you and I don’t care about the rest.
Oh I need more details on this white dress! So, if the sister was able to pick her own dress, that means she wasn’t in the wedding party, right? Was this the sister’s way of getting back at her for being left out of the wedding party? Or was this one of those newfangled weddings without traditional wedding parties?
Also, I once wore a white dress to a wedding, but it was covered with a lot of black embroidery, and I checked with the bride first. She was totes OK with it, because it was in no way bridal.
Also, the name thing. The NAME! It’s so hard! I lean more toward not taking the name, because I’ve heard women who have been married for 40 years say they regret taking the name. But I also hear it can be a problem in emergency situations, with the kiddos at the hospital or something.
All that “caring about the other person’s feelings and desires” crap is a pain in the ass, but totally worth it. It just takes practice. Do be sure that when factoring him into the equation (and later kids) that you don’t factor yourself out.
Great post! You have said what I have never been able to express to others. And pointing out when things are difficult does not make you ungrateful.
Personally I love the aristocratic sound of “Hunter-Griffith” as a surname for the children. I have visions of them telling their schoolmates stories about how Mummy and Daddy lost their fortune in the stock market and had to give up their stately home in Scotland and their mews house in London for a hardscrabble life in Texas.
Keeping you own name is a good thing IMHO, but I knew a couple in that position who gave the father’s surname to one child and the mother’s surname to the other. I have a feeling that the kids are now making some therapist very rich…….
Amen.
Wow. Fish, this was a really beautiful post. I don’t often comment, but I just had to tell you that.
Good luck with all of the wedding shenanigans. He seems like a great guy.
Oh, and yeah, wearing white to a wedding = tacky.
I kept my name. It didn’t matter to him. He understood that it was important for me professionally and personally. That it meant something to me – that I needed to still feel independant and “me” during this big change and that didn’t mean I loved him less or was less excited to be his wife. We also discussed what would happen if we ever had children. Since we would likely adopt – we talked about all changing our last names together to something new, something that we would decide together. Sure – there are times when I wish I changed my name, when we could be Mr. and Mrs. on something instead of our separate names.
Informally, we call ourselves a new last name – a hybrid of both last names – in your case something like – Griffter. We call our house the Griffter B&B and many people have started calling us the Griffters. It’s fun and weird, but mostly fun.
I must confess though it is really fun when we go on vacation and I book the room in my name and they call him Mr. Smith. Well, fun for me. But I think each time he gets a better understanding of how giving up your last name isn’t so easy – especially a time when it seems like everything is suddenly a negotiated compromise.
I think that what makes it more difficult is that society applauds self-sufficience and the ability to make it on your own and yet there is the perpetuation of the fairy tale happily ever after. There isn’t much talk about having to revise your life to NOT making it on your own any longer. The support is nice but self direction IS a hard thing to give up or at least revise.
Great post! I have mostly led a single life ten years!!! So my ‘now’ live-in boyfriend says I’m still in the “me” phase. It is very hard to let go of that way of thinking. ‘Me’, I do great…’US’, not so much. But I do love him…….absolutely!
Best of luck Fish….
Beautiful. Just beautiful. Messy, complicated is so much more tolerable when you love him and he loves you.
My husband and I went through the same exact thing when we got married, and my arguments against changing my name were almost exactly the same as yours. Eventually I did do it, but not until about a year after we got married. For me, it came down to having the same name as the kids. I didn’t want to be in the hospital and have a different name than my baby.
It’s not an easy decision to make, but eventually I came to terms with it and now (8 years later) am glad I did it. Good Luck and Congratulations on the upcoming nuptials!
I got married less than a month ago and am in the midst of some of the same decision making. I just wanted to share my thoughts in case it helps your process.
Before I do, I just want to say that you have so much to look forward to. I’m not someone who chooses “bests” and I like to always think that any day of my life could be amazing or important for different reasons. However, my wedding was the best day of my life so far. I have never felt so happy, so grateful or so lucky all at once in my life. It was such an overwhelming sum total of the love and joy between my husband, myself, our families and our friends. I was blown away. I wish the same for you.
I am currently not taking my husband’s last name. We’re both in our thirties and have a clear sense of who we are as individuals. For me that means that I have had ample time to identify as Leslie Gilmore. I own my successes and failures as this person and don’t feel automatically inclined to change at this point.
However, I always thought that if it were something that really mattered to the person I loved, that I would consider changing my name. My husband doesn’t really care, but if he did I think I would be okay changing my name for this reason:
I am so much more than a name.
Any man you choose as the independent, capable and intelligent woman you are would never see you as property. If there is some tradition that he has associated with love, marriage and commitment that is meaningful to him perhaps you need to consider it in a new light. Disconnect it from your social/cultural reactions and see it kind of like a little girl’s princess fantasy. Something that is born of pure emotion and sticks with us into adulthood whether we admit it or not. Perhaps in his vision of a happy life shared with his future partner the act of sharing his name was the moment/process that would make it feel concrete.
Whatever you choose, I wish you both the best!
Leslie,
It sounds so very nice, but I don’t *have* little girl princess fantasies. It kinda makes me shrug my shoulders, but I don’t have a “wedding book” or a bridal party or a gown. I’m not getting walked down an aisle. In fact, I don’t think there will be much of an aisle. Don’t get me wrong, I love love. A lot. But I don’t have those feelings that you’re describing.
Even if I discount anything to do with ownership (which, really, it’s so much less about that than just being my own person), I still have to ask (not you, but the Universe at large), if it’s about sharing a name as an act of commitment, why must that be HIS name? The answer, of course, will always be, “because that’s how it’s been done.” And for me, that is no answer at all.
So, if it’s sharing a name that’s associated with love and marriage and commitment, which I totally get – it’s a lovely idea, why so stubborn on the point that it be his name? There are other ways. Other traditions. It’s a big, big world and all I wanted was for him to be open to it. I don’t want to throw it in anyone’s face, or make a big statement, I just want to *choose* and have that be a-okay with him. And just him. Everyone else can choke on their champagne. I kid! About the choking part, I mean.
Hey You…
Part 1: The sister was jealous and probably went out of her way to wear white. Tacky shame! Ugh!
Part 2: I envy your love.
You’re a lucky Lady.
As for the last name…. Give it some more time, you’ll figure it out. Just remember to follow your gut.
I hope you cried when you saw those roses and the message because I definitely did and am reading this on a computer screen! He truly is a wonderful man, not that it makes him any less lucky to have you.
Hyphenation is not an option? I’ve heard of women using their maiden names as middle names, too…
It’s a big decision, but don’t let it cause you sleepless nights, either. You have an amazing relationship and that is more important than what appears on any piece of paper.
regarding names and independence and the messiness of merging lives and families.. well said and lovely. i have no idea what i would do with my name, but i *absolutely* hear you that i would want my man to understand that keeping my name(or changing to something new/shared) were equally plausible options to taking his, and why.
I took my husbands name, mostly for practical reasons (shorter, easier, I want to share my last name with my kids), but it’s not a practical as I hoped. For instance when I want to fly, I still have to make sure the ticket is in my maiden name, if I make reservations and have to show my ID, it only says ‘wife of..’, which is printed in fine print on the rim of my drivers licence and easily overlooked.
I love my husband and use ‘his’ name proudly, but more and more regret having changed it. And hyphenation will work in the first months, and then people will only refer to you with the first named name, so that only solves half of the problem.
I guess this is my very extensive way of saying that you should choose what feels best for you
I am getting married in just over 3months and we too are having the same type of issues that you are currently going through about our shared future. I am happy to change my last name so thats not our issue.
Ours is the very contensious issue of the religion that we will bring up our future children in. Wars start over religion and now I can see why.
I am a practising catholic and my dork lord is a non-practising Presbyterian- so you would think that this would be simple right? But with his mother (also non-practising) chirping in his ear there have been many tears (me) and attempts at compromise and unlike the surname thing children can’t be a mix of both.
Thanks for a really beautiful, honest post. It’s only recently, after 8 years of marriage, that I am now realizing the full extent that I depend on my husband and his unconditional love. If it wasn’t for marriage, I would have broken up with him at least 10 times. I’m so grateful we stuck it out. It is so rough at times, but so worth it. But it seems you’ve already figured that out.
I had a co-worker that got married, and they actually both changed their names. Their last names were Kelly & Rooney and they created a new name, Kellrooney.
Sorry to be the wet blanket among so many happy, inspired commenters, but I really must weigh in and say that of all the things you will encounter in your marriage, the name change will amount to relatively small potatoes. If it means so much to your future husband that you take his name, then just make it one of the many unselfish, not-what-i-want-to-do-AT-ALL things that will inevitably creep into your life together. Use your maiden name professionally, if you want to do so, and take his name on the official stuff. Then strike this disagreement from the record forever. In the long run, it won’t matter much and it will spare you many sleepless nights when you’ll have plenty of other issues to think about. You’re not losing your independence, you’re gaining a lifelong partner. The worst part of the name change is the trip to the social security office–the anticipation of THAT logistical nightmare actually should keep you up.
And as for the sister’s white dress…maybe the bride was fine with it. My only sister is 11 years my senior and in a completely different stage of her life. She had the option to wear anything she wanted to my wedding, as did the rest of the guests. Was someone actually going to think, “Who’s the bride here?” Puhlease. I don’t think there’s any such thing as “competing” with the bride…unless the bride is just horribly insecure.
Rebecca,
Why does it have to be ME that does this unselfish thing? I genuinely want to know, as it clearly means as much to me NOT to change it as it does to him that I do change it.
It’s big potatoes to me. I’m sorry that’s hard to understand. But I happen to want *my* name on the official stuff.
If we’re partners, equals, how about we either BOTH give up our names or NEITHER of us.
I realize everyone is different, but just going to throw out that I was initially pretty bummed about the thought of giving up the last name I’d had for my entire life. But I saw how much it meant to my future husband, and I realized it was worth it and I was being a tad bit prideful. Now, six years later, I can’t even believe I struggled with it. It sort of falls into the same category now as the wedding napkins – at the time, seemed so important. Now, I don’t feel any less “me” than I was with my maiden name.
By the way, there are two different Rebeccas. This Rebecca wouldn’t read your heartfelt posts, pass judgement and then try to discredit your feelings by telling you how to handle deeply personal issues.
In our circle of friends we’ve seen about every solution (that I can imagine.)
No changes
She takes his name.
He takes her name.
They hyphenate together.
She hyphenates.
(I guess we haven’t see just the husband hyphenate)
She takes his name and keeps hers as a new middle name.
They make up a name and take it as a couple.
There is no right answer anymore. You guys will eventually figure out what works for you. It doesn’t have to happen immediately.
BTW, I don’t have a princess fantasy either. (Except for still loving fancy things with sparkles.) I never counted on finding a partner and getting married. I never planned my wedding or dreamed about my dad walking me down the aisle. I think I was too pragmatic for all that. I was just trying to illustrate something purely childish and emotional that gets carried into the adult world. (I forgot that princess fantasy might imply the whole damsel in distress thing… not really what I meant.)
Good luck with the process!
Fish,
Thank you. I am confident that you and the Boy will work through this and many other messy and not so messy decisions. You will make the decision that is right for you, as individuals, as a woman and as a couple.
Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials and thank you…. you’ve given this single woman hope that someday I will find someone to muck through the messy parts with me.
For a lot of women, it’s an incredibly brave, but scary, thing to want something their significant other doesn’t — and then defend their reasons why. But, I get the sense that this man wouldn’t adore you the way he does if you were anything BUT so sure of yourself and committed to making a choice that works for YOU, too.
I’d wish you both luck figuring it all out, but I don’t think you need it.
)
Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard.
And SO worth it!
I don’t know why we have this idea that it’s supposed to be easy, or that we can’t bitch about it now and again!
(And I’m with RaeAnn; wishing you luck, even though you don’t need it!)
I remember having these same thoughts when I first married 10 years ago. In my mind, I ended up with the best of both worlds, as I decided to make my maiden name my official middle name and then take on my husband’s last name. This way there was no hypen mumbo jumbo, but I still got to keep my name and add his. So now when I fill out applications or other documents, my middle name is usually reduced to one initial. However, to this day, I still sign every document with all 3 names – First, Middle (maiden name), Last (Husband’s surname). My drivers license and passport includes all 3 names as well.
One of the things that helped me make the decision to go ahead and take my husband’s name is that I finally came to the realization (IMHO) that my husband was offering his name to me as a gift. As a token of of our unity, much like our wedding rings. I think that after I started thinking about it this way, I was more willing to take his name. Prior to this viewpoint, I was all about keeping my maiden name as my last name and asserting my independence. I felt like my maiden name made the person that I was…that name shaped my life, my way of thinking.
10 years later, I’m glad that I added his name to mine. Because 10 years later, I feel that both my maiden name and his surname make me who I am today. I am very proud to carry his name, and still proud to carry my maiden name.
Anyway, good luck with your decision! I know that it took me quite sometime to come to my final decision. And at the end of the day, you will do what is best for you. Whether it’s taking his name or not. It’s good to know that he will be by your side. He definitly sounds like a keeper! Congrats!
Aww, Fish – you found yourself quite a dude.
Good luck with the decision. I was married on Oct. 1st, and I spent the entire year we were engaged trying to decide what I wanted to do. When we walked into the City Clerk’s office to get our license, I was *still* trying to figure out what I was going to write down. In the end, I surprised myself by taking his name and keeping my maiden name as a second middle name. It just felt right. I have no idea why, but it just did.
The Dork Lord clearly loves you for you and not your name – you’ll work it out.
Loooooong time reader, first time commenter.
First, Fish, I love your posts recently, especially this one. It’s so honest and real, and I can’t even be eloquent about it because I just love it.
As for the name change thing, I’m having the same trouble understanding why everyone is saying “just be the bigger person; if it’s important to him, just let it go; etc, etc” when it’s clearly important to YOU as well. Why do YOU (and all women in this situation) have to be the bigger person? It’s just so frustrating. So, my point is, I feel you.
I have a kind of complicated hyphenated name (my mom hyphenated her name, gave my sister and I the hyphenate while my brothers just took my father’s last name – weird, I know), and it took me forever to learn to spell it when I was little and I hated spelling it our for people and always thought I’d love changing it when I got married. Now I’m in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and the issue is a reality for me and I can’t imagine changing it. I just can’t. So I totally understand=)
Two things: 1) My sister-in-law’s sister (my brother’s new wife’s sister, to try and and make it less confusing) wore white at their wedding, and she was the MOH. Kinda odd to me, considering they went *very* traditional for everything else. Aisle runners, candles and bouquet toss type of traditional.
2) My partner & I eloped. I wore a green & black & white party dress, we walked through a street fountain instead of rice, and ate gelato instead of cake. It worked for us. Maybe later we’ll have the party for everyone else.
Ok, 3) My last name is the same one I’ve had for 32 years. He told me he doesn’t care what my name is (or the color of my hair or that I choose to ride a cruiser instead of a sport bike), as long as I choose to be with him. And I do. And I’m open to changing my name later, when we can finally get to where we’re living in the same zip code. But I’ve been published under my name, it’s a unique name, and I’m kinda used to it now.
And it’s totally cool to see a real couple having real conversations about their life. Thank you for that.
I am pretty traditional, but I very much get what you are saying. Why should you be the one that has to compromise or give up something based on tradition or his expectations? But, isn’t that what he just did? He compromised and showed you that he loves you for you, no matter what name you choose to use. I am guessing that is what is most important to you. Perhaps he is looking for the same confirmation from you. It’s almost as if you are saying “Will you love me even if I don’t want to change my name?” and he’s saying “Will you love me even if it means changing your name?”
I’m looking forward to reading as you move into married life. I’m not sure it’s something you can fully prepare for and I’m sure you will have some great stories to tell, and as always, great insight. All the best to you both!
Hi Fish.
What I love about this is that I’ve been reading your blog for years. While I dated. An had my own dating blog. And I’m getting married June 12th and now get to read along like you are writing your blog just for me. I’m lucky enough that my Boy doesn’t care if I change my name or not (so he says) but I struggle with too. And totally relate to ‘yes, I wanted this, and now I have it, and don’t want to sound like I’m complaining’ – nobody ever said love was easy. They just said it was worth it. So here we are.
Good luck with whatever you do – and keep posting the DIY projects, I need inspiration.
This is a wonderful post, he sounds like a wonderful man and I am very very happy for you. I am also very very jealous!
The best of luck to you.
Great post, Fish!
I got married for the second time last year. With my first marriage, I took his name. The marraige only lasted a 18 months, but we had a baby, so I kept the same name as my kid when we divorced. I completed college and got my professional degree and license under that name.
Last year, when I married for the second time, I was really struggling with the name issue. My hubby didn’t care so much that I didn’t want to change my name (wanted to have the same name as my kid), but it was complicated by the fact that it was actually my ex-husband’s last name (which the hubby felt was kind of insulting to him) and the fact that we planned to have children together. But hubby understood the need to remain “connected” to my oldest, while still wanting to have a common bond with future children.
In the end, I just took both last names. I am legally Grace L. Smith Jones (not hypenated). When my hubby legally adopts my oldest and she changes her name to his last name, I will probably change to Grace L. Jones… a decision that would have been hard to make last year, but as we now have a baby together, my “identity”- the way I identify myself- has changed. Because I’ve grown and changed.
Which is all to say- find what works for you as a couple. But keep in mind that nothing is set in stone. As individuals and couples, we continue to grow and change- and maybe part of that will be a name change in the future for him, you, or both of you. Having the freedom to continue that growth and change while be assured of your partner’s love is what makes relationships great.
How much does he really mind? (and why?)
I am a big believer in doing what you will regret least…
i’ve been reading your blog for years now, but this is my first comment. your writing is warm and comforting, yet as true as any other’s.
you juxtapose harsh reality with gentle sensitivity quite deftly. it’s quite a beautiful thing to behold.
Hey Heather-
Greetings from London! Jonathan & I got engaged weeks after we landed here. Today we had a “conversation” on the sidewalk on Oxford Street on how we handle my desire to shop for a/w wardrobe now that we have a shared bank account(Thanks a ton completely chauvenistic UK banking system!). He says- Shop like its your own money. Uh…can I get some clarity? I’m standing outside of Michael Kors for Christ’s sake!
Do I get budget pre-approval? Does he think he gets to approve each purchase? How do I know he won’t come home with a TV the day I buy a winter coat, etc… It was horrible, awkward and… necessary. I’m happy to try in my odd, overtly Germanic last name for his strong, fierce, easy-to-spell last name but sharing money…? Hold your horses, buddy.
PS- thanks for the inadvertent tip on the ATX antique mart. I’ll be there next weekend for my own weddign planning:)
that’s so nice.. all the best
“I’m accustomed to and proud of being independent, of being fully in charge of me, and it cuts him out of the equation sometimes. Figuring out where I end and he begins means I still have to remind myself to insert him into that equation. I’ve said it before: math is hard.”
AMEN! I was reading this last week on my honeymoon, I read it to my boy and just wanted to thank you, it allowed me the opportunity to express how I feel while showing that it’s a struggle amongst other women. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Oh and your post about being with him not belonging to him, once again AMEN, I took his last name, but in all honesty, only because his is waaaay shorter than my own.
What a challenge you face — I completely understand. My family has a very obviously Irish last name, and everyone in my dad’s generation gave their kids very Irish first names. People who see my ID comment on my name… I’m in sales, and my name is SUCH a good sales name. I would fight tooth and nail to keep it, no matter what. However, it’s a much more difficult conversation when it’s not hypothetical, and no matter what, you have to be comfortable with the outcome. “Just because it’s always been that way” is no answer for anything. Logic like that would have kept women from voting.
I just got married, too… and throughout our planning, on occasion we would look through my new sister-in-law’s wedding album from four years ago. Only I never got any ideas or inspiration from it, because I could never stop staring – at that fact that the groom’s mother was wearing a floor-length strapless white lace gown. HONESTLY. My sister-in-law was with me when she first showed me the album, and my knee-jerk foot-in-mouth reaction was a very confused, “Is she wearing a wedding dress?” To which my sister-in-law just rolled her eyes and didn’t say anything. WEIRD. Who does that????