comfort and joy

you know when you’ve found it
there’s something i’ve learned
’cause you feel it when they take it away

This Christmas will not find me pajama clad, drinking my father’s cocoa, one of seven around the ceramic tiled dining room table. It will not find yet another tiny Swiss Army knife in my stocking. There will be no stocking. My sister and I will not sing, “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas.” And I won’t lie under the tree squinting at the lights, blurry miniature stars of Bethlehem, until I fall asleep.

I will call four states and five cities and say “Merry Christmas. I love you” to the ones I used to play “zap tag” with, our feet in slippered pajamas in Grandma’s den on Christmas Eve. I will wake up and wish, in a sort of vacant way, that we were all piling into the car to see our traditional Christmas Day movie. And I will wish I could be there for our rather untraditional Mexican Food Christmas dinner.

I may cry.

But most likely not, as I’m still all about pretending that I understand this is all just part of divorce. That we’re transitioning.

I will spend the holiday with the boys across the street, in the home of a renowned gourmet cook, eating, drinking, laughing. Being part of someone else’s tradition.

I do know that there will be more Christmases and mended fences and other opportunities to make new traditions, while holding tight to the old ones. That I am blessed. That distance and separation do not diminish love.

And this is my comfort and joy.

12 comments to comfort and joy

  • Been there… I’m going to go have a good cry now.

  • Dan

    Mery Christmas Ms. Fish.

    And not that it necesarily helps, but I’ve done the ‘transitioning’ thing and it all comes out ok on the other side.

  • happy christmas! enjoy being part of someone else’s tradition.

  • I’ve done the same thing. Somehow, being the adult child of recently divorced parents, I feel like I should be so much more mature and accepting about the whole thing.

    I actually just had some of that stiffness dissolve… If you’d like a bit of hope, you can take a look at the Dec. 23rd post on my site. Take it as a note of solidarity from a fellow comrade-at-arms.

  • michael

    Dear Fish,

    Merry Christmas…whatever version of it you are in this year will turn out great. You’ll find the spirit of it all somewhere. I have confidence in you to do that. Mexican food sounds great! Do they have a Yule Burrito?

    Christmas alone for me this year…and at work…a code orange thing.


  • ah yes, Christmas brings out the family feeling and feelings about family. I wrote about this too, last night.

  • this is why i’m very much looking forward to New Year’s. A holiday all about getting drunk and silly… THAT I can get behind.

  • Seems that you are in good company with the family feelings this year. I had just graduated from college when my parents divorced, and I am still upset about it—and that was nearly 30 years ago. It’s hard to find where you fit in sometimes….

    Hope you have a good time with your friends!

  • Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

  • glovefox

    Merry Christmas and all best wishes, Fish! I’ll send you my new URL once my new MT blog is done!

  • tab

    A Very Merry Christmas to you, Fish.

    My traditions also will be changing soon. It’s just hit me that this is my last real Christmas at home. While I will be here next December, I will only be a visitor.. :(

  • Michael Too

    I’m glad you have good company for the holiday. I think a good idea also would have been to go home with Sarah Brown. She seems to have a set of rockin’ family and friends. And as a fan, I would have donated to that cause.