Over the years, I’ve adopted a pretty strict policy against blogging about work. An exception can be made for blogging about a place I used to work, in which case, it’s totally safe to tell you that my old, old CEO used to lean over my desk on a regular basis, exposing cocaine-rimmed nostrils. And that his Number One was totally banging a senior designer we called Swoosh! because of the none-too-subtle noise she made when she walked.
Hey, my thighs touch, too, but they don’t come with a soundtrack.
I can also make an exception for my current job. The atmosphere and the people produce far, far fewer gripes and a whole lot of hilarity like wacky brainstorming sessions and silly across-the-office banter. I think my biggest work issue is that my coworkers (though in every other way outstanding) never, ever put the toilet seat down. And as the only female in this company, I feel I have to periodically make an announcement to remind them that I am not a den mother and that, holy shit, I can’t be the only one who knows where the paper towels are so why am I the only one filling the roll?
And then there’s my boss – the things that come out of his mouth!
“I’m your teammate,” he said this morning. “And as your teammate, I support you.”
“Except…”
“Except when you say stupid things.”
I could pretend to be offended (I’ve threatened to sue dozens of times over my threatening work environment), but that would be a waste of everyone’s time – time that could be used for a good pissing match.
“That’s why I’m the CEO and you’re not,” he declared once during one of our… discussions of creative difference.
“But you’re wrong. Being CEO won’t protect you from being wrong.”
“Yeah, but if you fire me, and I fire you, at the end of the day…”
“Which one will stick? Hmm… good point.”
Yesterday’s CEO-ism took the proverbial cake. After making some comment about girls without bangs (which I wasn’t actually paying much attention to), I whipped around in my seat.
“Did you just make fun of my hair?!”
“Are you kidding? Why do you think I hired you?”
“Because I have good hair? Ha! Wow. It’s so refreshing not to be loved for my brains. Too bad I was planning to get it all cut off for Locks of Love…”
“Try it! Just see how long you keep your job.”
What’s craziest about it is, I get actually get paid to sit around writing and being a smart ass. It’s like a dream. And don’t anyone dare pinch me. I’m feisty when provoked.
Hey H…hope you are having a great Friday the 13th…this day has always been a really good day for me…
I’m glad you are enjoying your job & have a boss that you can act a fool with…lol…that always helps…
Have a wonderful weekend…
When the boss brings up his ceo status, feel free to reply “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?”. That should shut his pie hole. Maybe sign all emails “Yours in Christ”. OK, Stephanie’s on book tour so i’m bored. Sorry…
(From This Fish: Phil! I’m glad it’s you! Poor bored soul. How about if I tell him that Jesus is my President and CEO?)
cocaine at the office. So professional non? What is it with these cocaine snorting bosses? At my office high end eqiupment used to mysteriously go missing. And the “student” my boss was “helping” with his homework would appear soon afterwards, the door would shut and everyone would be ushered out for about three minutes. Wonder what that was about?
I want to know where you work, and if they’re looking for an Art Director.
God, I miss that type of atmosphere.
I was thinking that posting about work on Friday the 13th was just tempting fate but it sounds like you’re in a good group over there.
And because I just thought of it: wouldn’t it be *awful* to be fired on Friday the 13th? Like as a confirmation of all the superstitions, to make you totally paranoid for the rest of your life, lifting your feet as you drive over railroad tracks?
I’m currently (but a week away from leaving) in a work environment that is one male boss and 12 females.
It’s WAY too much. I love working with guys but the best work scenario is when it’s an even mix. Hopefully at my next job, it’ll be that way, and I’ll have a boss who’s as quick thinking as yours is.
Oh to be paid to be a smartass.
Bollocks to this Friday the 13th stuff. I’m flying to Tampa today and when I land, I will have successfully delivered another blow to the groin of superstition. However, if somehow, we do experience mechanical difficulties and start going down somewhere in the foothills of Tennessee, don’t doubt for a second that my last action as a living person will be to switch my iPod over to Bon Jovi’s “Blaze of Glory” and think of you all. I will to thisfish.com all of my vast Slim Jim stockpile. It’s substancial, bitches!
PS: My thighs also touch. I find Gold Bond Triple Action Powder prevents chaffing quite nicely.
Isn’t it refreshing to find a *good* work environment after years of bouncing around at bad ones? I *love love love* my current job, my co-workers (now that the annoying one has finally been fired and replaced by a super new gal) and my boss – all of whom are female. It’s an adjustment to an all female environment, but I like it!
OM
I gave my hair to locks of love. It is a great charity and I don’t miss my hair at all!
I could be the offical paper towel replacer toilet seat putter downer. And I could provide the “Hallelujah!” when you mention that Jesus is your CEO.
I so need a new job.
Gold bond triple action or baby power with cornstarch, either will do the trick for the thighs that rub together:}LOL
Aw, you used to love when I’d pinch you in your sleep.
I got hired for my boobs once. The conversation went thusly
“Why did you hire me all those years ago?”
“You were the only one with a pulse.”
“It was my boobs, wasn’t it?”
“Yes.”
I keep waiting for someone at my new job (that I LOVE) to come and yell at me or call me stupid or blame their mistakes on me or …. and it doesn’t happen! my boss and I do call each other “stupid head” though — but it is said with such love!
Your blog is so refreshing to read after a long day. Your comments are sarcastic, fun and witty and I always end up laughing my butt. I relate to alot of what you say. Still searchin for that perfect job though. it sounds heavenly
fun blog and comments…:)
Isn’t it great when you find yourself in a wonderful work environment? Makes your job so much less like work. While I hate having to wake up so early every morning, I love going to work at my school and the kids are great. I’m so less stressed than I was in my last job (the school with no soul). Congrats on this happiness!
The above story shows males to be far more intelligent than ………, by leaving the seat up the chance of the thing getting dirty and thereby the use of a cleaner which might pollute the environment can be avoided.
I am by the way (foreigner) unfamiliar with the word feisty, so please tell me what the matter is with you when you are feisty.
It could be worse as far as the toilet seat’s concerned. To quote Peg Bundy:
“I know Al’s not home – the toilet seat is dry.”
Damn – I’m stuck on the fact that you are the only female working in the company. I would love a job like that. Where do i signup?????
I’m so jealous. I want your job.
Hi! I absolutely love your blog and this post interests me. If you have time, can you explian what you do. Being paid to be smart ass…wow! Oops will now read above to see if someone already asked this.
Keep the ass smart and the work good!
Serious aside about the toilet seat: For years, this issues has been moot for me. The fact is that the LID should always be down when you arrive in the bathroom. Why? Do you have any idea how far airborn particles can travel? You leave the lid up, you flush, you send all lind of matter (urinary, fecal) throughout *everything* in the vicinity. (Especially nice is your bathroom is opposite your kitchen. Ewww!)
So boys and girls: put the LID down! *All* of you!
Hey, my thighs touch, too, but they don’t come with a soundtrack.
Sheer brilliance.