Ta-da! New, improved navigation!
You guys, I’m such a hack at this stuff. I figured I could get away with half-assed fixes and interweb MacGyverism but it turns out, notsomuch. Anyway, please feel free to let me know if you run into any problems with navigation or searching or anything (searching not available yet on the blog; waiting for archives) and please update your RSS subscription as I believe that’s changed in the last week as well.
I’ve been awake since about 3:30 this morning, finally giving up on the whole, “if I fall asleep now I can get x hours/minutes of sleep” horse puckey at a quarter to five and then drank a whole bunch of coffee. That’s going to play out well, I think.
We’re picking up Sariic’s ashes this afternoon. Part of me hopes that once we have them, we’ll also have some element of closure. The rest of me knows that’s not likely. Time will help, I know, and so, I wait. I wait to stop picturing him lying there on that metal table, still so incongruously warm. I wait for the Boy to start being comfortable in our home – the apartment, he says, that doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s lost its feeling of purpose without his dog there. I know I’m not supposed to take his grieving personally, but I do. I’m there. I’m your family.
Home is a larger issue, though, and most definitely not a new one. I’m content to be there; he cannot seem to stand it. It makes me unhappy, he knows. But how unhappy, he can’t possibly. Or. Or, I don’t know. Or he’d do something. I don’t like feeling as though I live alone. I recognize that some of his avoidance over the last few months has been related to the hurt of watching his dog fall to pieces. But not all of it. And so, hoping to reach a some understanding or a compromise on this incompatibility, I suggested that we figure out what’s at the root of it and fix it – before it’s unfixable. But in true sitcom fashion, my heartfelt attempt at resolution was met with nothing more than a “yep,” and a yawn. And then we went to bed.
Yep.
yikes – that has to hurt/be scary/be frustrating yada yada yada.
time – give him time.
if I were to give you advice . . . its not advice . . . more like regurgitating something someone said to me . . . go camping. Camping is a great way to work together (setting up camp, cooking food, making fire, etc) and be together. Sitting in front of a fire just the two of you – creates a place where there’s no distractions and it can allow chit chat to move to deeper discussion.
It worked for me!
Hi. First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss and I completely understand what you guys are going through. I know it’s crazy, but when a beloved pet passes away it’s a very difficult situation that most people don’t understand and so tend to undermine. “It was just a dog, it’s not like a person died.” But when my beloved dog passed away, it felt like someone in my family had been taken away, someone in my nuclear family. I’ve had aunts and uncles and cousins pass away, but none of their passings felt like this. To me, crazy or not, my dog was(is) up there with the lose of a parent or sibling. (which thank god hasn’t happened, knock on wood) The point is, it’s a very real loss and you have to go through the gireving process. When it happened to me,i couldn’t even go to work and had to take about a week off. People didn’t understand, but i needed to just grieve and be alone with my pain for a while. And although it’s been years and his ashes have been sitting on a special place in my living room for a while ( a discreet little wooden box), i rarely talk about it. I can’t even bring myself to watch Marley & Me. So to keep it short, just give the boy some time and understan that he’s lost somoene in his family.
One thing that helped me was that I asked my friends and family not to talk about it/bring it up but if they wanted to express their sympathy to send donations in my dog’s memory to a local animal shelter. Before i knew it, cards with “a donation has been made to honor ….” started coming in. This helped A LOT. Knowing that out of this pain, other animals were being helped. So, let us know where to send a notice. I, and I’m sure many of your readers and friends would love to send a “in memory of Sariic” donation. Let us know if you have a preferred shelter or animal charity and where a notice can be send (can be email, doesn’t have to be a mailing address.
I’m sorry, Fish. Just know that your guy DOES want things to work out with you (who wouldn’t?), he just may not be ready to sift through more of his emotions right now and is probably losing some perspective with the immediacy of Sariic’s loss. If he’s not averse to counseling (with you, hopefully) at some point, that could help him get in touch with why he’s feeling a certain way, and it probably has nothing to do with you.
Regardless, you are going to have a beautiful wedding and a long, happy marriage. Best of luck getting through this hard time.
This made me cry. And not because I am a giant wad of hormones waiting to explode if I don’t get a nutty bar and a coke. The boy found a puppy on Monday- as of Friday I am completely and utterly in love. I have done research on vaccines on what breeds I thought she might be and have already had it out with a vet on how I want her treated. Last night as I was trying to teach her to play tug of war I thought of Sariic. I looked at her and said “You are going to break my heart one day.” I know that is Debbie Downer of me but the truth is I will likely outlive her.
I am sorry for you and for your boy and for the hurt. After 4 days I couldn’t stand to lose her.
And for his Yep. Those sting.
xo
I am so sorry about the dog. We lost our labradoodle on Sunday of this week and I have been an absolute wreck. I’ll be thinking of you guys!
I know when my beloved cat died, my home felt haunted. I had lived there for so long, yet once she was gone nothing felt familiar, comfortable, even secure. Time was the answer for me. Getting outdoors, going other places with friends and family, that helped me.
It’s such a hard thing to be the other half of a person who’s grieving. I imagine that until you so warmly came into DL’s life, Sariic was his family and best friend. That’s hard to replace. When my cat died, I had just started dating my now-fiance. I grieved for months, which must have been hard for my Boy. I had to explain to him that my cat had been my family, the only one I had ever so unconditionally been loved by. The transition to a person who could love me so much was difficult to grasp. Then came that helpful, healing thing called time and I decided that the Powers That Be had given me Boy, so my cat had served her purpose in my life. The one door closing, one door opening kind of thing.
I hope everyone’s grief is healed soon.
This is truly my biggest fear. Yes sometime I worry that I might not get married or might not be able to have kids, but those are things that *might* happen whereas losing my dog is something that will happen. I could cry just thinking about her not being there to greet me at the door and she’s only 2. Most westies I’ve known have lived to be 18!
The only other animal I’ve ever had and lost was my cat when I was in fifth grade. Easily the biggest loss I had to deal with at that age. My Dad buried him in our backyard and my Mom took me to pick out a tree or a bush to put by it. 15 years later that bush is still there, it still changes color in the fall, and now every time I see it, I can smile and remember my cat.
I know that you guys live in an apartment, but maybe if you have family nearby that do own their home, they would let you plant something to remember Sariic.
My dog died some years back — I didn’t have to put her down, but she died, unexpectedly, in my arms out while out on a hike, at 9 months old. I refused to go home if my S/O wasn’t home. I’d go to bookstores, coffee shops, Target, whatever. And cry. Even when my S/O was home, I slept with a night light on for MONTHS. My S/O bought me a huge stuffed dog which I hugged the absolute stuffing out of. And cried.
It’s tough. You ball yourself up in your own weird warp of moroseness and guilt, and just hope it starts to recede. The DL isn’t intentionally slighting you. But (correct me if I am wrong) he was with the dog for a lot longer than you were, and it’s probably harder for him. None of this is really coming out like I want it to, but — just hang in there. You’ll both pull through this and be stronger. :::hugs:::
Eight years after I had to end my dog’s suffering, I still have his ashes next to one of my favorite pictures of him on my bookshelf. Yes, it does get easier. I know this might not be an option for you two with the chaos of wedding planning, etc., but I ended up getting another dog right after. He was a rescue puppy that needed a home and I had a home to give him. Having him to focus on helped me heal faster, I think. And I can sympathize with you on the other situation as well. After almost nine years of marriage, my husband and I had the discussion yet again about how in his limited time off, he often chooses friend time first, time with me second. I don’t know if it’s an issue that we’ll ever get resolved, especially during hockey season.
It’s hard not to take this personally as a rejection. But it really isn’t a reflection on you. I understand his wanting to not be there. Avoidance and denial are easy coping mechanisms. Pets really are like family; they become a part of what it feels like to be “home”. Bella died 2 days before Christmas of kidney failure. I didn’t want to be here, and I didn’t want company here. My family was very forgiving when I asked to have Christmas at my mom’s house in San Antonio on one day’s notice instead of my home. After the holiday rush, I found every excuse to run errands, meet friends for dinner, etc. in order to avoid walking through that door as long as possible. I felt lost standing in my own living room. My routine was gone: no dog to take out or let in from the yard, no water bowl to check, no dog to feed. It was an empty void in my daily routine that was an eerie feeling. And I still had (have some) guilt in my heart by having to put her to sleep. Although my head knew she was dying, and it was the humane thing to do. This is the part where I had to learn to be kind to myself. This became especially important on what I’ll call *reminder* days: picking up her ashes, finding an unexpected toy, having to tell someone she died who didn’t know yet, getting a card in the mail from a close friend, finding a picture, etc. It’s getting easier, and I don’t find excuses as often to delay coming home. It will come with time.
dear fish, i have this image of your boy-man holding this great, dark, heavy object. he’s trying to bear this weighty thing all by himself. because he thinks he has to; because be thinks he needs to; because he thinks it’s his to bear, this grief. so maybe you tell him this,
dear love, right now you are holding something really heavy, all by yourself. it has you frozen, this thing weighing you down. and maybe you think you need to hold it by yourself because, well, i don’t know. because you can’t let anyone else near it; because it’s too big; because it’s too heavy; because it’s too dark; because this weight is yours and yours alone; because if you let anyone else take some of the weight then you don’t have all the weight, and then where would you be? maybe a little unfrozen; maybe unfrozen enough to start to feel the sting. because it is not yours and yours alone. because i am here to bear the unbearable with you. and even if you can’t let me bear it, any of it, can i at least sit next to you & put my hand on this heavy, dark thing? just rest it there. just in case. and maybe you’ll let me take a little of the weight someday; just a little. because i have capacity for it. and not only for that, but also for the sting once you start to let me bear some of the weight. i can do both. yep, i can
.
Am I correct in remembering that you and Chris live in a rental? If so, and if your lease runs out in the not too distant future, might moving be a good idea? Fresh start, newly married and no memories of Sariic suffering in that space.
I’m sitting here in tears, reading everyone’s stories and because the old feral kitty I’ve been feeding & sheltering for 12 years died in the night. My indoor cats know and are cuddled up to me like little furry sandbags. I hope Hal’s giving you both some comfort.
Dear Fish…
I’m so sorry for your loss…the ashes of my lovely Koa, smartest most beautiful parrot ever, are in a special place while he remains in my heart. The ashes most definitely helped right after he died … Now, while out of sight, they still provide comfort and fond memories whenever I see the special box where they reside…
Dear Fish…
So sorry … I put the wrong website on my comment above – it is herestohappywomen.blogspot.com … But iPad spell checker strikes again… I do hope you find closure soon…
Heather, a friend of mine writes this blog that is mainly about how to live with grief. You may find her incredible words and thoughts soothing at this time, or other times when your heart is heavy. I know I do. Mirabai is just an amazing person.
http://mirabaistarr.wordpress.com/2011/01/12/softening-into-the-pain/#comments
http://mirabaistarr.wordpress.com/
This is a better link… sorry. (She just lost a beloved dog, too)
Hi Heather,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is a really difficult thing – I’m an only child and my first dog ever (whom I had since I was 7) died when he was 17 a few years back and I felt like I’ve lost a sibling. I had other (younger) dogs, but still, home wasn’t the same. It was similar to Sarlic, we knew our dog was sick for a while and was getting very old, but still really, really painful.
This post most definitely made me cry, more so than the post about Sarlic a couple of days ago, because it reminded me of getting my dog’s ashes back. Even though that did offer some closure, our house was very gloomy for a while – such a cliche but there’s nothing but time that would heal this.
I wish you and Chris best of luck, I think you guys are so well-suited to each other but probably need time to let this heal.
I am so sorry – hang in there, though. He’s known that dog longer than he’s known you, and unlike friends, you don’t usually fight with dogs. They’re always there, always on your side, and pretty much focused on very simple things like eating, sleeping, chasing things, and not getting too far away from you. Very uncomplicated. Give him time. (I’m being bossy – sorry! I know you will…..) It will be OK.
I feel for you both. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years & 2 years ago we lost his a-MAZ-ing cat, whom he had had for 13 years. He was devastated for quite some time. 2+ years later he’s still gun shy about getting more animals because he’s “afraid he won’t love them as much.” I really think men take much longer to heal after all kinds of hurt. Just bare with him. And I’m so sorry because I know it’s hard for you to lose your pet & to see how he’s handling it. Good luck.
We lost our dog last September, due to an accident. While he was the family dog, and loved everyone, the connection between him and my husband was deep and profound. While I was able to grieve and adjust to the new emptiness in our home, my husband struggled with it, and continues to struggle with it four months later. There’s nothing that I can say or do that makes it any easier for him. So instead of trying to help him, I’ve just decided to back off, give him time, and allow him to process this the way he needs to. It can be very frustrating, and heartbreaking.
I think that the part that was hardest for him in those first few weeks was not being at home without the dog, it was those first few moments after coming home, when there was no happy, wiggly, over the top doggy love to great him at the door.
Fish…hang in there! As hard as it is to understand his dog was probably one of his “safe” places. Eventually you will be the center of his safe place – it just takes time to get there.
as for his yep, as hard as it is not to take that so personally he probably just needs to grieve.
I’m sorry its a tough time right now for both of you!