I can feel myself withdrawing, and I’m not sure it does any good to resist it.
I’ve been going back and forth for the last fifteen minutes or so trying to decide if I should post the story I’d planned to tell, or to spill my guts and say what’s really on my mind. I think I’m gonna go with the latter. It’s been a while since there been anything confessional here.
For the last few weeks it’s been this way. From the moment my feet swing over the edge of the bed and reluctantly hit the floor, I’m motivating myself with the thought, “All I have to do is get through work, and then I can go back to sleep.” I keep that thought all day long.
Everything takes an extraordinary amount of effort. Emails. Phone calls. Leaving the apartment. I’ve had an envelope in my purse for seventeen days now. Seventeen days. And the only reason it hasn’t left is, I can’t seem to bring myself to buy a stamp. Actually, I did try. The sun was out Saturday and I gave it my best shot. But the machine at the post office only took cash, and the customer service desk at Gristedes was fresh out.
Then it will wait another seventeen days, I thought, and went back home to bed.
I force myself to make plans, because I see the danger in my morning motivation. A party with Wes, coffee with Rachel, lunch with an old friend. What it takes not to bail at the last minute, I can’t begin to tell you.
At the diner just now, I nearly crawled out of my own skin. I had gone from taxi cab to diner counter in search of a late dinner. I was too much in my own head and feeling somewhat lost in there, I sat down on one of the pink stools, somewhere toward the middle of the counter.
“What can I get for ya, bella?” The waiter hollered from the end of the counter. I froze.
No, no. Don’t make me shout it, I thought. But he didn’t read my mind and he didn’t come any closer. Just stood there waiting.
“BLT and a chocolate milkshake, extra thick.” It was my voice but it sure didn’t sound like it. And when the waiter shouted my order over to the cook, I flinched. I wanted out. Out, out, out. I waited for my food and retreated across the street.
This has happened before. Not recently, which makes it hard to remember the why behind it, or how long it lasted. It could just be a funk. I have every hope that it is. Even in this state, I know living every waking moment lusting for your next sleeping one is hardly living. I feel ashamed of myself for even indulging this… this funk. But I have been, because sometimes I think you just have to let things happen. And sometimes, you have to not. Sometimes, you have to decide to get your ass up off the couch at midnight and go find a stamp.
Because it starts to mean something more than just avoiding a late fee.
Routine tends to cause it. Or lack of newness in life creates a weird funk. I was in a funk when my better half was overseas in Iraq and I confined myself to the rooms of my house, but once I got up, forced myself to do something spontaneous (like go on vacation – which I recommend), life didn’t seem so painful to live anymore. Give yourself a new purpose and things will start to brighten themselves up. I don’t promise, but I speak from experience.
Hope you feel better soon.
Since I found your blog from another linked to you I have spend a lot of time with the inner thoughts that you choose to share as I catch up on the 3 years that your story has been going on.
I’ve struggled with those bouts of sleeping and wishing I was asleep. A life of quiet desperation broken only by spells of outright bleakness and purposelessness.
You do a good job of conveying the amount of energy that you summon to even do the most mundane of tasks.
Here is my bit of wisdom (if you can call it that): If you are ready to be done with this phase of depression then you need to put your hands on the feelings that you are spending so much energy burying so as not to feel them that you have none leftover for living life.
I agree with miss brown suga that forcing yourself to do something spontaneous can catalyze the release of energies and emotions… but I think what would really help is to figure out what you don’t want to feel and allow yourself to feel it…
And look… I’ve used up all of my c
I know exactly how you feel. I have a tendancy to wait until the very last minute to get going. I always want to take myself to lunch with a good book and something always keeps my trapped in my house. I have a newfound sense of self-doubt and anxiousness and, I too, hope it is a temporary state. Because I want to be able to go for those walks I keep promising myself. Among other things. That’s life. Hope you feel better
This too shall pass. When the cocoon gets too confining, the butterfly struggles to break free and is stronger for the struggle. And then the next chapter begins…..good luck!
Sleepwalking through life…same here
I completely understand. Sometimes if you wallow in it for a litte – then set a time frame – then force yourself to start doing things, pretending you won’t feel that way – eventually you won’t.
I have meal breakdowns. It gets to dinner time and I can’t decide what I feel like, or what to make out of the very little in the fridge – and then I can’t be bothered going to sit in the Vietnamese take-away shop waiting for my take-away, or even pick up the phone and order pizza. I just want my mum to handle it. Grin.
The mean reds.
last year i carried a creased envelope in my bag for weeks, tryin to make myself post it, get rid of it. such a strange guilty weight on my mind. maybe it will take more than buying a stamp to jump out of the slump. remember there is a certain satisfaction to dragging yourself out n about. best bet ipod? its my baby and goes everywhere with me. five good songs and i am raring to post any letter i can find.
Once in a while, I need a time-out from my life…all my friends, family, obligations for a day or two. Just so I can remember why I wanted to be where I am in the first place, and where I was trying to go.
Everyone in my head is this depressed too.
Ahh, the wanting to sleep all the time funk. i know that one. And I’m wishing you the best with it. So are a lot of other people who don’t take the time to comment.
Take care.
Do something, do it now, before a few weeks becomes a few months.
Gosh, it’s SO much easier to give that advice than it is to take it yourself.
Buy stamps a dozen at a time. Baby steps.
My very favorite quote I don’t have an origin for? “Change happens when dissatisfaction overrides fear.” I once spent an entire commuting semester getting up and pretending to get ready for school, only to go back to bed when everyone else left my house, inventing a day when they all got home so noone would get suspicious. This, too, shall pass, with or without outside help (and, believe me, there’s nothing shameful about outside help!). Sending you good thoughts.
hm. not sure what to say. thanks for sharing.
Hey Fish:
Thanks for posting this. I think that just writing about it will be helpful for you. What also helps me is taking a step back and, even if I feel like indulging it for a while, looking at the big picture and having confidence that it won’t last forever. These things usually come and go. Planning a vacation, writing, or any other change might be the catalyst… You are clearly a deep thinking and feeling person and that can be tough sometimes. There is always therapy – everyone else is doin’ it.
Listen, go easy on yourself and feel better soon!
Rachel
Buy stamps online!! OK – so it’s a tad more expensive…..
I wasn’t going to say anything even when I saw the posts about headaches. I had stress headaches that turned into depression headaches and life just wasn’t fun anymore and things were five million times harder to do. I did yoga. I wrote. I tried speaking to someone. I joined a writer’s group. I painted. I had to make a concerted effort to be happy. And I had to ask for help. That was the hardest thing to do, to admit to my friends that I was in this funk and I didn’t know how to get out of it. And you’ve just done that. Good on ya. I hope that your feet feel lighter when you swing your legs out of bed tomorrow morning.
Heather- I am sorry I aaid you were jaded, not that you remember. I just had trouble believing you when you talked about liking the idea of being alone. I know that can’t be true.
I understand your urge to withdraw. I know well the feeling of having your bed call to you at all hours of the day. I too carry my life around in my wallet for want of a stamp.
I am about to write my morning blog. I went to bed last night with the feeling that I am disassociating from life. My actions are more impulsive, my words edgier, and thoughts a little incoherent. I am paranoid. I feel that I am pushing away and alienating people who want me to succeed. I pissed off the Boston mayor’s office and they won’t return my calls.
But I know this will pass, because it always does. It may take a day, a week, or even a month but it will fade and be forgotten.
So will your funk. It will fade, because it has to. You are too strong for it to stay. Your words say that about you. In the meantime I will try to mail you some stamps. -Gregg
I’ve been in that place, where you wake up tired and look forward to the next time you can go back to sleep. I didn’t recognize it as depression at the time, but looking back at my journals from that time I was sad and self-destructive — drinking too much, pulling away from people I loved, isolating myself. I wish I’d known how to ask for help.
More recently, I watched my housemate fall into this. She slept all the time, and cried at small things. She lost her confidence. She began to forget that she could ever be happy, and think there was something broken about her character. Watching, it seemed pretty apparent that it was chemical, especially when she went on antidepressants. Her energy level and initiative, and the expressiveness of her face came back before her mood lightened, so I could see her getting better before she felt better.
Especially with the dark, cold season coming on, it’s probably worth getting some help. If this is depression, it’s hard (and unnecessary) to battle it alone.
Rent check?
Hey, Fish:
Hang in there! I’ve been where you are, and it takes time and help from someone with the ability to prescribe medication, but it’s totally worth the effort to keep going.
Hug Sir Hal at least twice every day, and when people come get you to go do things, go with them – even if it’s only for a little while. It will get better.
Lots of hugs for you!!
Does it make it any better to see all the other people who know how you’re feeling? Probably not, while you’re in the funk. But once you get out of it, hopefully it will help to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way.
Feel better.
I remember the last time I felt like that for a long time: From Day 1 in 10th grade to Graduation night of 12th grade. Two reasons for it: one named Chris and one named Charlie. There have been times since, but none so long or as intense. I think we all have our Chris’s and Charlie’s; we just experience them with different names and intensities.
Good luck and here’s hoping you come out on top!
No advice here. You are wonderful and people love you around the world. Thanks for your disarming honesty. Want me to mail you a stamp?!
Hang in there, sweetie!
Ooh, I’ve been where you are. Good on you for writing it down. I found that it helped me to wallow in writing as the first step to getting out of it. It’s dark, it’s rainy, you’re stuck in your head… you’re stuck in your apartment and your stuck in your apathy for no other reason than you are keeping your self there out of ease. I know what that’s like, I feel for you.
The most valuable words – I’ve repeated them like a mantra: “This too, shall pass.” I’m not the only one, I guess. And it’s the truth.
Hang in there, Fish. Nothing lasts forever and you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
I think that you are very brave to tell your story today. You sound like you are fighting depression. I think you’re very strong to keep going each day when you feel the way that you do. You go to work, you think about hanging out with friends, you worry about completing everyday tasks. I feel for you, I wish I could fix it for you. But all I can think to say is, I am one of those reading and I hear ya. It’s ok to take some time out from life. Feel better soon.
Whatever it is. You already know the answer. Hug.
Heather- I spent many years like this.
In fact the only time I got up was to go to work!
I was lucky- I had a job that was stimulating, that gave me something to get up for.
It will pass- sometimes it takes longer than others. Sometimes its worth talking to others to find what is important to you- its the important things that will get you out of it.
I love your blog- its always well-written and interesting.
People out here are rooting for you xxx
Good for you for getting this out.. Seriously. I frequently read your blog.. but many times couldn’t identify for the very same reasons I don’t identify with Sex and the City. You always seem to have it sooo together, you’re wicked smart, a fantastically clever writer.. but I was missing that little something. And then you sucker punch me in the gut with this post. I know it sucks to be told cliche after cliche.. but we all go through this. Mine unfortunately happen 50% of my life. Soldier through and know that I’ll think of you and smile the next time I sleep for 15 hours and still can’t bring myself to get out of bed and walk my dog.
Are we living parallel lives?
Wow, hearing so many people saying they having the same apathetic funk is very strange. I’ve just started to crawl out from under the duvet from my own funk-like period and I felt horribly sollipsistic and alone in my depression; that I was the only one who was exhausted by the social interaction at work, exhausted by the very idea of doing anything which might make me feel better. It’s such a vicious circle and a hard one to break. But I’m sure you’ll find your own way to do it. One night, I forced myself not to go to my bed: went to yoga instead, and then wandered around a nice comforting bookstore. Baby steps.
you definitely are not the only one that feels this way. and yes, I know hearing that doesn’t help. I do hope the funk passes soon. thanks for sharing your story.
I used to say: “Gotta get over this sometime, might as well be now.” to myself so often that I had to stop myself from saying it out loud. Yah, it worked really well…
The other thing I did was remind myself that this battle I fought with depression wasn’t just about me. Everyone around me would be affected if I lost my fight. A bit arrogant yes, but still true. That kept me going on occasion, the knowledge that I was fighting not just for my happiness but the happiness of everyone I loved.
These things do pass, and even if it returns it gets easier, honest. I’m living, emphasis on the “liv[e]” proof. I had to get some outside help but everyone is different.
Hang in there and it’ll get better.
All the best.
hugs dear, I am the same.
Heather-
Thanks for being so heartbreakingly honest. I feel your pain. No advice other than to hang in there.
L.
To echo the rest of your readers, you’ve bravely put into words what the rest of us have suffered in silence. Thank you! Unfortunately, I think this malaise comes from being a grown up and all the responsibilities that come with life. Keep forcing yourself to go – go outside, go out with friends, go work out – go to a museum…anything. Go volunteer with any organization that gets you outside your own head and outside of your house…when you see need and desperation up close, it puts your own life into perspective. And if none of this helps – go see a professional that can help you – there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help. But by telling us your pain, you’ve already taken the first step. Good Luck to you – we all support you!
I am dealing with this same type of situation, but from the outside. My best friend suffers from severe panic attacks. She spends 90% of her time in bed as well. No energy to do anything.
I can only stand beside her and hold her hand. Supporting her as she works through it.
I cannot stop them, I cannot make them better. Inside I am screaming and railing because there is absolutely nothing I can do to make her feel better.
It is hard, but she is strong and it will get better. I feel the same for you.
Take care of you. My friend has told me that having me there to hold her hand when she needs it is helping enormously. So please be sure to let your best friend in so she can hold your hand when you need her to.
*hugs*
Sounds to me like a bit of depression. Has anything particularly stressful been going on?
You also said you had allergies. Are you treating them? Sometimes they can cause depression and fatigue (mental as well as physical).
Maybe it’s just the time of year. I seem to be going through something similar.
Don’t let it go too long – talk to someone who can help. xxoo
If your fatigue continues, you may want to look into acupuncture…
Last winter my doctor was baffled by my mysterious fatigue…she tested me for everything from mono to aids…nothing came back positive. I went to therapy…and was fine, just really tired. I went to acupuncture and they knew right away what was going on. I was more awake and alive in just a couple weeks…
I’ve been there and I sympathize … and I know advice from others doesn’t really help much. You’ll figure it out eventually and life will resume along it’s usual path. But until then, getting that stamp might give you some temporary relief!
You do not have to live with this. Please see a doctor and get a prescription for Prozac. If it doesn’t work, try a different SSRI. If there are side effects, lower the dose.
St. John’s Wort. Miracle Herb Extraordinaire. I’ve been in a funk. This wonder herb kicked me out of it temporarily. There have been numerous studies in Europe as to its benefits and is widely used there, but no significant research here in the States. Worth a try.
Prozac?!? Yeah, that’s the cure all. LOL.
Yes, while I’m sure Mark meant well, I’m also very certain that medication is not the answer for every person.
Been there and I will say..do something for yourself… hot bath with rose petals…manicure…day of shopping…sitting in a park…helping an elderly person with groceries…something that makes you reflect on the wonderful things you do have, and in time, the funk will pass. Life at times can be overwhelming. We all fall in it, so do something that makes you smile. Your worth it.
Deb
i feel ya.
a case of the S A D perhaps?
happens to me nearly every year. this one a little worse. (extenuating circumstances.)
at any rate, be well.
I know this won’t help much, but your courage to post something like this, helps the rest of us to know that we’re not alone when we’re going through things like this, and let me tell you, there are plenty of times that I live through the day just waiting to go back to bed. Hang in there!
p.s. If this becomes a constant pattern or you can’t get out of it please talk to you doctor. Your not alone, as long as you know when enough is enough and to do soemthing..because you can. Previous posts have shown that most get thru it, but just in case you find it is not getting better…get some professional help. People do not have to live in constant funk, there are all sorts of avenues. Depression is a Chemical Inbalance… but funks can be worked thru. Try the non-medical options (walks, meditation, etc.) first and then if that fails, then meds may need to be considered. Just know your not alone.
I think everyone feels that was sometimes. This time of year, especially here in the part of the country where we have real seasons, the days getting shorter, not getting as much sunshine, it does get depressing some days. I, too, seem to be prone to bouts of inertia, and it takes some effort to get everything in motion. The trick is to find something that you want, even if it is small, to give yourself some sort of direction.
Good luck, and i hope you feel better soon.
I think this sums up it up nicely:
And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Anais Nin
I want to thank you for putting into words what I’ve been feeling, but mine seems to be lasting 6 mos to a year. I just can’t get the motivation up to do anything. I hope we both get through this fog and on to something brighter.
i thought the subject line read: Midget In Search For Postage at first
Nah. I used the word “midget” one in a title and got chastized. We don’t talk like that here anymore.
Yes to all of the above…yes, you are describing a well-traveled road. Most likely it is a temporary landscape, and it may be one you will be more than glad to see in the rear view mirror. It is a place none of us chooses to go, and there are many guides who know a way out.
But while you are there, let this place continue to inform your perspective. Look for its gifts–colors, sounds, terrain. Let it be a place you have known and from whence you have come. Let it take you somewhere new.
Thanks for your courage to write about your second choice.
I would like to recommend a book that helped me get through a three month funk. It’s called, “Dark Night of the Soul” by Thomas Moore. Someone suggested it to me because of the different angle it takes in regard to hard times and depression. The author claims that “when it comes to spiritual growth, we humans are solar-seeking beings; eager for the bright lights of clarity and the bliss of illumination. Paradoxically, we all need to walk through the shadow of the dark night in order to discover a life worth living”. Useful read for me!
I don’t think you’re alone in your lethargy. I think our week long urban monsoon put EVERYONE in a funk. I didn’t go out AT ALL during the week or on the weekend. My sloth was so bad that I planted myself on the couch and ordered DVD’s and ice cream from maxdelivery.com. Everything is an effort and every morning I thought the same getting out of bed. You’re not alone. I’m just recently pulling myself out of the fog and not surprisingly…it’s still an effort.
Everyone is right – everyone feels that way sometimes. And no, it doesn’t help to hear that (especially from complete strangers, I’m sure). I usually, wrongly, blame it on my surroundings. Last time I felt that way I ended up leaving New York. The move was good in a lot of ways, but now I realize that it wasn’t necessarily a new place, but a new challenge that I needed. Good luck and have fun with your next challenge!
I think we’ve all been through this at least once. Not sure what to advise, but best of luck finding what will make you HAPPY to get out of bed in the morning.
I’m not exactly a regular visitor, so I don’t know why you’re like this right now, but believe me, there are far worse things to want to do on your bad days than sleep. Be safe.
You use midget all you want if it makes you happy.
I have felt that way at least once each year (not counting those times I really _knew_ what ’caused my mood). I know what you mean tho–what should I call it? Is it a funk? A mood? depression? And the larger question–Do I care? eh, maybe I’ll just sleep it off. It is strange how we can go through the motions but not be living life, not really. We each have our own way of digging out–you’ll find yours. Maybe another Gilmore Girls marathon?
Well I offer my tea and sympathy, or empathy even virtually.
I got off a plane from London an hour ago and just walked into my apartment. I watered my favorite plant and took three Advil for my raging headache and read your post. Over the weekend, my (English) boyfriend of 3 years proposed…and then, the next day, changed his mind and said it didn’t feel right. For days, everywhere I go I just want to lie down on the floor.
Thank you, again, for your candidness.
What you wrote speaks of the early stages of Depression.
It’s none of my business, but it couldn’t hurt to check in with your Doctor and get your blood tested. There are shifts in blood chemistry that affect us without our knowing. It’s not a flaw or a punishment or a curse. It’s just stupid chemistry out of whack.
Simply saying “this will pass” is positive thinking, but does not address the warning signs that you seem to be sensing.
Denial or repressing what you feel is not always a solution. Look, I read your blog but I don’t really know you in person so none of us (other than your friends who post) can honestly offer any answers. My gut says to get a checkup.
If there’s nothing wrong, then I’m misreading. If there is, the fix is reasonably simple.
I think making the decision to take action is the toughest part. Be strong & do it.
As for stamps, just say the word and this room will flood you with 37 cent gifts. You’ll never be short of a stamp till the postal rates change!
Be Well.
B
Get Lavender, it’s all soothing and some shit.
Fish prefers eucalyptus.
Have a holiday!
You wanted to go to Mexico — GO!
Have you had your wisdom teeth out yet? I’ve had a few friends that felt much better after they had them out – and more than just physically. Headaches and pain can wear you down emotionally as well I guess. Hang in there and look after yourself. It will get better.
The worst part is not enjoying things that you usually enjoy – like hanging out with your friends. This depression – whether situational or chemical will pass – but it will be helped along by professional help.
Seriously, though, thank you for that post that so eloquently expressed the exhaustion that goes along with trying to live a normal life when you’re not quite feeling up to it. (And hoping your friends will understand if you just can’t quite make it out of the house).
Hi Heather.
I’m amazed at your ability to capture what so many of us out here having a certain experience or feeling, while also believing we were the only ones having that particular feeling or experience. I know its not your intent, but you do a lot of us a lot of good. Thank you. Take care.
Diane
i have felt that way as well. snap out of it! quick! or too much good time will be lost. You will never have that squandered time back. take a personal retreat for a day or too…listen to just your inner voice and get to the root of the problem. then ROOT it out! i have learned from experience this is the best approach.
Being in a bit of a funk myself some of these well meaning comments about depression and anti depressants really got me down-uhoh. I spent an entire ‘funktified day’ reading your archives along with your galpal Ari’s archives, and on more than one occasion I laughed out loud, teared up and smiled often. Go with the flow Miss Fish for as long as you feel, from what I have read the circle of friends that surround you will not let you slip too far away for very long.Sometimes a good hibernation is just what the soul needs.
Sleeping is good for what ails you. Recently I slept whenever I had to — which involved cutting back work and cutting back the caffeine and alcohol consumption. Also eat a handful of walnusts half an hour before you’reready to crash. They’re full of L-Tryptophon, a chemical which causes the body to repose.
I think it is just amazing how, I happened acrossed this site…and…how people who know you and who don’t know you (like myself for example) care enough to offer advice to you, to get you through. Plus, I am positive others who don’t post and feel the same way are gaining from it as well. Now this has got to make you smile “Fish”, that the world has not swallowed into a deep hole where no one cares, no one listens and where people are too busy going no where. This just puts faith back into human kindness, and how a little love goes a long long way.
This happens to me too. Its called depression. You might have seasonal affective, or just have minor bouts of depression–take care of yourself.
Wow. You have completely discribed me over the past couple of months. I just call it a funk and eventually it will go away (and come back, of course). Luckily, my friends eventually drag me out of the house or come over wine in hand to ensure I am still alive. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not all THAT abnormal!
Oh mah gosh. I’m a sleeper too. Getting better, but the temptation is still there. All. The. Time.
Good luck to you.
I feel like I’ve become complacent. It kinda bothers me. Sometimes I attribute it to living in NY. Other times, I don’t know what.
First of all, Ms. Tink, you never say “Snap out of it” to someone who is depressed…..NEVER! Millions of Doctors would be out of business if that were true. Also, you don’t know how they are going to “snap.” Might be pretty ugly. My daughter is Bi-polar. She has her good days and bad days. For her, medication is needed, but not for everyone. For some, depression is temporary.
Ms. Fish, I hope you have good days ahead.
Sure hope “Tom” isn’t reading this blog!! We KNOW what HE would say….
it way to long to read
I’ve been there, but it’s been a very long while. Sounds like SERIOUS depression, bipolar disorder on the depressive side, and/or SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Why SAD? Because you give a hint in one line–you went out when the sun was shining. SAD manifests as depression through the body’s response (hibernation) to lack of light. There are lamps you can buy that mimic natural sunlight, for $75-90. Get lots of southwest windows exposure.
Antidepressants do work, and counseling helps. Don’t hesitate to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist! Both can help. Don’t let the “blues” keep you from going–that’s when you need to go the most.
Two things I do–frequent exercise plus vitamins, ginseng, and gingko biloba daily.
This is just advice–but believe me, I lived 15-20 years of depression before I found the 9-10 things I can do to help avoid depression.
You reached out with this blog, so you can reach out more. Find a counselor, i.e., one you like!–try them out and decide for yourself.
Hey Girl, Been there, done that! It’s not healthy. When I get in this funk my best friend literally makes me go out with her and I always feel so much better. Find yourself one good friend that you are comfortable talking to and make plans to go out with them and don’t back out. You need to talk and someone to hear you not just on paper. Just being out and with someone will brighten your day and mood! Take care of yourself and try to get past it or it will consume you…..