I pushed through the diner doors and stepped into the middle of an argument.
“No, I’m telling you!”
“And I’m telling YOU. The streets are going to be flooded.”
“That is why I am saying to you, go home.”
“Nico. You go. I will be fine.”
I smiled, dropped my umbrella into the bucket and took a seat at a table by the window. Their argument went on for a bit longer, pausing only when Nico brought coffee. In the end, neither gave in and they went back to hollering takeout orders.
I ate, watched traffic, stirred coffee I never got around to drinking and kept an eye on the clock. I was taking myself to a movie later.
One of the nicest things about being single, I’ve discovered, is actually liking being single. I haven’t always. Liked it, I mean. I have my theories about loneliness which I’ll spare you — except to say that people are less often lonely than they are lonely for someone. Someone specific.
Tonight, I was pining for nothing more than a waffle and a Toni Collette. And I was happy.
There are times when singledom isn’t exactly fulfilling. Times I’ve rolled over in bed and thought it would be nice if someone took up the empty spot. But those moments are fleeting, and they certainly aren’t filled with longing like they used to be.
I haven’t pined for anyone in quite some time, come to think of it.
Every once in a while, I meet someone who I think might be worth a bit of pining. They’re cute, or smart or funny or a jackpot combination of all three. But then I remember the drama (I’m sure you do, too) and the potential for disappointment and I think, “Oooh, no you don’t!” Then I go back to making plans to die alone with my cat.
Some may call this jaded. I call it temporarily skeptical.
I definitely understand.
Btw, just wanted to mention I think you’re an excellent writer.
Bye!
I too am single, and I am rarely lonely. When I am lonely it is for someone specific. Tonight lonely mixed with pining, and I was headed for the comforts of my bed and a box of kleenex, when instead I checked in here. Nothing like waffles and puddles of maple syrup to help one gain perspective.
Yeaaaaaah, just like Cliff Richard. Though I’m not sure whether he had a cat.
Wow you summerized everything perfectly…thank you, I loved it!
You are the wind beneath my wings and the second motion that makes me glad I moved into being proud of my singledom.
Pure genius.
I love waffles.
You might like to befriend a Japanese tourist for a while, and if he dies at least you will have a story to tell.
Heather fans, come and ask your questions for fish and hopefully she’ll answer them:
You can Ask Heather here
Heather, come by and answer/ask a few yourself. Cheers.
tonight i am pinin for someone i hardly know
someone who is not mine
someone i had for a brief time
my melancholia is only tempored by the knowledge that what i had was wonderful in its ow way, albeit incomplete
drunk commenting
its wonderful in its own way
amend that pinin to pining and the ow to own (Fruedian anyone?)
love is a risky business..
if you don’t run the risk
no chance to gain
is the prize worth it?
I think so
and at least you won’t regret
not trying
Think I need to get a cat
“Temporarily Skeptical”
LOVE IT…
I’ve been temporarily skeptical for ages…
And it’s good…
Temporarily Skeptical? Nope, I think you are just jaded
Even bicycles need love.
How can one be lonely knowing Toni Collette is only a movie ticket away?
It is refreshing to hear that there is someone out there who is ‘content’ with singledom. I’m going to concentrate on that . . . you have inspired me, and god knows I need inspiration!
i call it realistic. i’m right there with ya, girl!
we gotta get back in the rotation. i was all at sixes and sevens last night and ended up shoveling popcorn into my face while watching the last half of Sling Blade. Fine… but lacking in waffles and evil.
Wait! Does this mean no more Mystery Man stories?
Perfectly put. You can be alone but not be lonely and you can be lonely and not be alone. Funny how all my coupled friends forget that.
Ah, yes, I know well that one can be quite comfortable single. But as everyone knows, a sofa is more comfortable than a bicycle seat, but only one will take you anywhere. I hope this is only temporary. My own skepticism only lasted a decade.
OK, maybe it’s still with me, but I concede that there is a chance, even for an idiot like myself.
Honestly I don’t believe anyone can be happier as a single..
It’s obviously better to stay on your own than with someone who’s not right.
But if you have ever experienced a good relationship you would feel that sharing your life with someone is simply a source of greater happiness.
I like Calvin’s metaphora..
To be content and happy alone is the best gift you can give yourself. And, as it happens, once you let go, that’s usually the time when loves comes sneaking in.
How was that movie, BTW? I just finished the book and I want to see it.
ps: there are tandems as well! You can cycle together to wherever you want in life! don’t always have to stay confy on the sofa
You put words to all my emotions. How do you do that?!
Oh how I can relate to this post.
Too well.
Spot on. As I am constantly reminded by several of my married friends, just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you’re happy.
You say this, and watch, next week you’ll probably hit it off with a member of the Wu-Tang Clan or something. Life likes to throw big curve balls when it comes to love.
Maybe all us crazy cat ladies in waiting should start a revolution to overthrow all coupledom…
Or maybe not.
In the name of the single gals, Amen to this post. I know exactly what you mean:)
Hi Fish- I’ve been enjoying your blog for awhile, but this entry led me to comment for the first time–
I often use the same mentality for justifying why I stay single. After all, I’m happy, right? But sometimes I wonder if this is just an excuse I use to cover my fear of letting someone into my heart.
But then those doubt pass and I enjoy a great movie or book by myself.
Amen, Fish. I’ve been watching friends in relationships going nuts lately, and while I occasionally really wish I was in one myself, I find most often that I’m so pleased to be in the process of falling in love with myself.
P.S. How was the movie?
I LOVE being single. I discovered it six years ago and am well on my way to being less and less eligible. Wait. Is that a good thing?
Alyce – LOVED your poem. i had a love which was ever so brief but i still miss it.
Fish – i’m glad that i’m not the only one whose plans include to die with my cat, my one true love. and i’m not sad about it one bit.
Re: loneliness for someone specific. So true. Another good one, H.
I call it ‘shoring yourself up’ – getting to a good place with your psyche, which prepares you for the inevitable state of vulnerability that we call ‘dating’.
you didn’t say what movie you went to see…i miss being lonely…
All my single friends are worried about how to get laid, and all my married friends are worried about how to avoid it.
i’m jealous. i think it’s great that you are content with life as it is.
Who the hell has time for a boy? I’m just trying to get crap DONE!
Bad news – you’re probably going to outlive your cat.
You realize, though, that just when you get very comfortable in your singledom BAM! You meet The One.
so true — just got totally comfortable being with just me and the mutt and then BAM, along comes that jackpot combo of cute, fun, smart and funny, zut alors!
Damn it! What’s a guy to do if all you women start being happy single?
It’s funny, but I was thinking the same thing just this weekend. As much as it would be nice to have someone, it’s even nicer to be able to do what I want at the spur of the moment and not have to compromise to fit someone else’s schedule.
Hi Fish!
Thanks for commenting not only on your internal world, but things that take place in the world outside. I didn’t even know about the downpour until I read my NYTimes this afternoon and remembered your notation about the rain. I love that you share anecdotes from people/things you encounter.
Also, this entry reminded me of a book I “sort of” read 2 years ago after a breakup: “Quikyalone: A Manifesto from Uncompromising Romantics” by Sasha Cagen
I still take myself out to movies! One of the joys I acquired while being single that has stuck with me.
well-said — i am considering taking myself to my very first movie some time soon. I’ve never done it, not on account of being too embaressed or anything, just never been on my radar. but i think there’s something so fun about movie theatres
keep the great posts coming!
I’ve really enjoyed my last couple years of being single. Though I do find myself occasionally pining, it’s very narrowly tailored pining.
I am usually happpy with my singledom… but on occassion, when surrounded by outwardly happy couples, I think sharing life with someone might make me happy, too.
does it have to be one or the other? can only coupled people be happy? only single people?
I believe anyone can be happy. and anyone can be unhappy. I also believe that hoping for something new and exciting is completely different than pining. I believe its the essence of hoping.
I’m happy with me, alone. and I’m also happy to be hoping.
nope. still thinkin’ jaded here.
Love it!! Love all of it!! Thanks for making me feel less alone in the single world!
Well said.. I say, singletons unite! I would agree with you on the dying-alone-with-cat only because dying-alone-and-eaten-by-alsatians only because them alsations are way too big for my dinky flat.
Watch out there. I me my husband after I decided I was perfectly content to live alone, without even pets.
Yes yes yes!!!!!!!!
You put the words right into my mouth. That’s exactly how I’ve felt about being single for a while now … two years and counting without dating, for those same reasons. It’s a combination of relief and regret, really.
I’m taking myself to get a massage this weekend. I love making dates with myself!
Word up, sistah!
Most of the time, being single is nice. Then again, I have another adult here to talk with. As far as a “significant” person, every once in a while I’ll get the urge. Then I think about having to compromise on things I take for granted now, like having complete control over the remote, and it doesn’t seem worth the trouble.
I am technically single, but have been with my boyfriend for ten years. I prefer this kind of arrangement because after being married for almost twenty years, I’ve learned one thing. So much easier to leave without a piece of paper dangling over you. Loved your post!
I agree its important to be happy in or out of a relationship but, when given the opportunity, isn’t taking a chance on someone new worth it? I would prefer to deal with the downs that come with the ups than just live my life flatlined. Regardless, I like your posts.
I completely understand and agree. I am 26, single and loving life!! It doesn’t get better than this. The traveling, time for myself and that I am “complete” all on my own, just being single. Being single rocks!
Great read!
Oh the drama, AMEN to that! Singlehood is quite a change, and I don’t think you’re skeptical. We’re wise now! And you’re simply using that wisdom in seeing who is worth getting on dry land for, because otherwise swimming is much less of a hassle! I say good attitude!! I hope I can remember it on the days I”m lonely for a specific ‘one’.
I have been a big fan for sometime. I can not help but say, the past couple of months you have been boaring. I don’t like the new site. You have lost one former fan.
Temporarily Skeptical is perfect. I have figured out that there are certain things I need and certain things I want. Just wanting and not needing makes it easier to let go…and I will always protect and prioritize the things I need. I need my children, my family, my friends and my batteries. I only want a relationship sometimes.
After a 2-year relationship were I pretty much put all the work in it, now every night I get in the bed alone and thank merciful God no else is there! I never thought I’d say that and truly like it, but I’m so much happier single and no drama! I totally agree with Sarah – time has definitely brought wisdom in experiences. I’m finished experimenting
.
I totally agree!!!
After so many comments, it almost doesn’t matter if I post, does it? No, you don’t sound jaded. You don’t even sound skeptical. You just sound cautious, and ,most likely, rightfully so. Guys flake out, don’t we? It’s a disease. Before I met my wife, I had decided not to decide. Afterall, who, of any one of us, knows what will come tomorrow? It just made it that much sweeter every step of the way.
i am just recently (very recently single) and you have given me hope and i will embrace it! thank you!
ALL THAT I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT EVERY INDIVIDUAL IN THIS WORLD SHOULD BE SINGLE IN THEIR TWENTIES FOR AT LEAST A YEAR AND HALF. YOU LEARN TO LIVE FOR YOURSELF AND HAVE YOUR OWN LIFE THAT WAY WHEN THE NEXT RELATIONSHIP COMES ALONG IF IT ENDS YOU ARE STILL LEFT WITH THE LIFE YOU HAD BEFORE MR. WRONG!! I JUST GOT RID OF A MAN BECAUSE I MISSED THAT FREEDOM OF COMING AND GOING ANY GOD DAMN TIME I PLEASE AND TALKING TO ANY GOD DAMN MAN THAT I PLEASE.
Hi everyone, love your blogs and comments. I have been single/married/divorced/single/and now 5 months into a relationship.
I learned what I don’t want to determine what I do want and what I should not settle for. Being alone is different from being lonely. Take time getting to know you when you are lonely, so that when it leads to being alone, it will lead you to a relationship that brings happiness and an inner peace that comes when you meet someone who is not perfect, but perfect for you. As we get older our needs change, and so does life. So, my saying is “If it enhances your life..great…if it doesn’t,get rid of it!” Good luck ladies!
I can’t believe other people feel exactly the way I do. I thought I was just some kind of freak. I’ve been in and out of funks since I was 8 years old and I’m in the middle of a great one. Hope it passes.
I have recently become single and for a while i was pining for a certain someone even though he attempeted to break my heart- attempt being the word,-moved into my own flat and coming home to nobody was not appealing at first, it was really quite daunting. But then i started to feel the peace that flows in a person when when they gain insight- and begin to realise that holdon iam wasting time on pining for Mr worhthless. That was followed with the realisation that iam young and quite frankly i think these are my best years so why waste them pining? Iam not saying pining is wrong ladies but most of us do tend to pine for losers. For once I am glad that I am single and i have learned so much about myself and did i say i havent even had a pimple since singledom which just goes to show that maybe i should appreaciate these pimple free days and make the most of them before the inevitable fate of falling in love happens again. Besides when Mr right does come i’d like to think i too was totally content b4 him.
I found your site today, it’s wonderful.
I loved your story. I agree with you. I am 37, have always been single, and love it. Sometimes I get crushes on hot (or not so hot) guys, have romantic love stories and some longer relationships, but I know, they all end one day. I guess I love to be in love with love, even if it ultimately equals being single. Oh, and I love waffles too, and pancakes… All breakfast stuff actually…
Wow, this post really helped me cope with being single. I have been single now for about 5 months at first I hated it but now I love it!! I love the whole flirting with Men and not having to worry as to what time I need to get home at night. But it does get hard sometimes due to the fact that everyone around me are in relationships. As I look at alot of my friend’s relationship problems I realize that being single is GREEEAAATTT!!!
lonly life in a strange city 5 years ago.lonly still.sometime drame pining a dating with whitehorse .most of time rolled me on bed, staring ceiling with empty mind.
I’m not as cute as I used to be. I’m still a beautiful woman though. But I am content, with a capital “C”. I learned how to take care of myself in a good way. I was married (3 times) and have just decided that marriage is not for me. I gave and gave and compromised, only to be taken advantage of, cheated on, heart broken. I’m intelligent, wise and loving (everyone says so) so I know its not me, just the men I fall for (the bad-boy). I do have a dinner friend, a movie friend, a museum friend and a theatre friend and I like that. Being single is OK.
If you die the cat will eat you.
if i were single i wud die 10 times, and if i were a cat, i wud never wake from the dead, coz i wud have just but 9 lives
I fortunately landed on blog, curious about the link that appeared on the text I was reading. Then I’ve read the first sentences and paused, to watch the length of ‘waffle love’. The clock stated 9:30. ‘What the heck, I’ve got time to read this thing’. Truly, you’ve made my day. Thanks for this one. Sometimes, when we’re single, we forget some of the good parts that come with it. And for the bad parts, you could not have said it better than ‘But those moments are fleeting, and they certainly aren’t filled with longing like they used to be’.
Keep on going =]
K.
In my brief walk in this life, I realized early on that no one can make you happy but yourself. If I am not happy, nothing in this life will change it.
If I wanted to, I could easily be in a relationship now. However, I choose not to at this time because I know what works for me. I just haven’t met that special person yet. Mine is the struggle of having enough confidence to trust my own judgement when I finally do meet that individual.
While I have alot of wonderful friends, in each one I see something about them that tells me “don’t go there”. It isn’t anything against them, so much as I know that it wouldn’t last, and why. Because of my past mistakes, I now know what to avoid.
I may not enjoy intimacy for days, weeks, months, or even years at a time, but I know when I do it will be better because I waited. The scarring of compromise can destroy the happiness of the moment soo easily. I have found the trick to my happy now is to simply not do anything to myself that I would regret.
It is odd in our society how being married is pushed as the ideal. I have never met a couple in my life that is truly happy with each other.
I seem to have spent my life mostly single and I’m content with that although it is interesting that married people treat me like I’m a freak for feeling that way.
One thing I miss in a relationship though is there is always someone to go to events with whether it is a concert or a wedding etc.
Yes, and I have a cat
And I would also like to say that if Jake Gyllenhaal would like to try to start a relationship with me I may just have to give in
I am in my mid-twenties and I have had a few (less than 5) ‘attempts’ at relationships. I remain level-headed, and proceed slowly until I find out if the person I am with is a viable option for a mate.
It usually turns out that the person I’m dating turns into a frog within 4 – 8 weeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not jaded, bitter, or overly demanding, but I do require a certain level of maturity, positive energy, having aspirations, and someone I can grow with and admire.
Being able to admire the person you are with if extremely important. Looks fade, money comes and goes, but being able to admire a person for their character traits and values will see the relationship last through the ups and downs.
Don’t look for someone to fill a void in your life – your lie should be as full and as rich as you can make it.
being comfortable in your singleness is important, but not b/c you need to prove to yourself that you can. I think alot of single people want to be happy about their situation out of spite. kinda like “i’ll show you world and show myself i don’t need anyone so i’ll go out by myself and be happy about it and ignore everyone of the opposite sex to prove to myself i’m not necessarily interested” dumb!
The only 2 reasons its good to be comfortable being single (unless you don’t ever want a mate) are..
#1 you can’t work on yourself if you’re distracted with each and every potential next love
#2 if you’re comfortable being single, you’re less likely to force the situation with the wrong person just so you can be in a dating relationship. where all you’ll find is hurt in the end.
I think it’s good to want, to hope, and to pray for that…its possible to focus on it w/o focusing on it. IT IS!
“I want love, just a different kind.
I want love that won’t break me down, won’t brick me up, won’t fence me in…
One thing I have learned and I have had a few close and meaningful relationships…singleness is better…with or without a cat…I don’t miss the dogs.
Death is a hated enemy, I don’t lead a boring life…I stumbled onto this website…I love myself especially since I look like Denise Richards. I am MENSA intelligent and there is no one worth Whinning over. I don’t TAKE what is not mine (Married or Single or inbetween) that would cheapen who I am.
I am not waiting, looking, or otherwise. I am complete. I am content. I know what I want and seize it.
I’m probably a little older than most of you but I was with my ex-husband since the age of 14 and divorced him at 40. I spent the next 3 years trying to learn who I was. Met someone online that offered me the friends with benefits role and jumped on it. We stayed that way for a year and 1/2 when I decided I wanted more. Have had one date since then with a guy who was completely shallow and looking for his “Ideal” woman that wasn’t plastic and in a crate. I’m LOVING being single and being proud of who I am and what I’ve become in this world. When love finds you, and it will, you’ll know it, appreciate it and work for it. Until then, don’t regret a moment!
Married 12 years/divorced 21 years/just out of a wonderful (so i thought)8 year relationship.. My guy just went out and married someone else, no explanations!! well, I do miss him a lot, but I do enjoy my weekends, my sleeping in the couch without someone being annoyed.. some nights it really hurst being alone.. but… It is not that bad… thanks God for friends!!!
Well.
As someone who is ‘single’, I feel completely out of step with almost every poster here. I’ve been ‘single’ for almost three-quarters of my adult life. I’ve done some very interesting things, lived in some fascinating places. But being ‘single’ has certainly never been my choice.
Do I ‘need’ a partner to fulfill myself? Not in the sense of having that ‘accessory’. But in the sense of bringing out the best parts of me, of me being in an arena where I am able to give (and receive) what you can only attain when coupled, yes. I’m a writer, and when I’m doing that, I know I’m in my best place. The only other thing that comes close is being successfully coupled.
They’ve done studies of newborns where intimacy was denied. No touching. No interplay. And those babies quickly showed signs that the lack of contact was deleterious. It’s the same for adults. I’ve been ‘single’ for four years now. It’s not for me. So I guess the key is recognizing your needs. But I don’t think we were designed to go solo.
I enjoyed your writing but I think you are living in fear. There is no such thing as happy ever after, just a series of happy events interspersed with trials and challenges – the more happy events I look for, the more I find. Avoiding the happy moments seems such a waste. A relationship should be the cherry on the sundae of a personally fulfilling life that includes embracing the peace of being alone but does not hide in it.
I forgot one of the most important lessons I am learning as I type and that is the importance of loving yourself. I think that I am looking for a relationship to somehow fill a void in my life, when in reality, the void remains a mystery. So as much as I yearn to be desired, adored, etc., I truly believe that right now the focus is on me. Yes, being with someone, nurturing them as only us women know how to do is addicting and gratifying, but is it happiness?
Dear Fish, Working thru your archives after discovering your blog by accident and cannot get enough. Are you really that girl inside my head who has been talking to me through my whole existence? So much alike, New York City, writing, a soul. Even if you are young enough to be my daughter.
Keep writing openly. Can’t wait to keep reading…hope you stay ahead of me catching up. PS: I never write blog fan letters.
“You are only as happy as you make up your mind to be”
I’M NOT HAPPY TO BE ALONE–I’M ALONE TO BE HAPPY-
remember the behavioral scientists who studied fleas (why – i can’t tell you) captured them in a covered jar…jumping and banging their heads until they learned that if they jump just short of the lid they will save a lot of pain. however, once the cover was removed, they didn’t jump out… i wonder if being single (AGAIN)isn’t just learning to jump out of the jar again??
After being married for many years, I became single (by choice). I have had several relationships that were great learning experiences. I was single for 7 or 8 months between each exp. I have been in a relationship with a great guy now for a year, however I pine for the nights of singly lying in bed and watching what I want on the tube, or going to the resturant of my choice when I so choose. I totally enjoy being alone and living singularly. I wish I could have what I have with him 4 or 5 days a month and live single the rest of the time.
I agree totally with what you’re saying. The only thing I miss about having a “relationship” with someone is the sex. For the rest I can get a more fulling version from a combination of my career, my friends and the peace I find within.
Thanks for some quality points there. I am kind of new to web surfing, so I printed this off to put in my file, any better way to go about keeping track of it then printing?
I’m really enjoying the design and layout of your site. It’s a very easy on the eyes which makes it much more enjoyable for me to come here and visit more often. Did you hire out a designer to create your theme? Exceptional work!