“So, who are you dating?”
“Nobody.” I smiled when I said it and swallowed what was left in my glass.
Stephanie poured more wine and looked at me from across the table. She was waiting for an explanation.
“I don’t trust my own judgment on the matter these days,” I admitted. “So, I took myself out of the game for a bit.”
Not like I have to tell you, but I don’t exactly have the best track record with men. Worse yet, the ones I have never even written about may just be the saddest feathers in my cap. Among those, the Three-Minute Man and Disappointing David* in particular, left me questioning not only my decision-making skills, but my sanity as well.
“I’m not really one to entertain regret,” I told her. “But, I’ve had to come to terms with my recent man disasters. And I think that it’s better if I just don’t for a while.”
“What about…” She asked about someone I’d met a while back. Her tone suggested that hopefully, he was not one of those disasters.
“Never saw him again,” I said.
“What an asshole.”
I shrugged as though to say, Eh, maybe not.
I have never been one of those girls to adopt any sort of hardcore relationship rules; I was always too afraid of coming off as demanding and naggy or worse, needy. God, that’s such an ugly word. Needy. But the flipside is just as ugly. You get what you pay for, and the less you expect out of a man, well, the less you get.
And as for being ‘understanding’ about shady behavior? That’s really a crock of shit. I wasn’t being understanding; I was being hurt and disappointed and too proud to admit it. But damn if I didn’t appear to be the very model of a modern gal taking advantage of nontraditional relationships.
But when I found that, in the end, I was left with nothing more than a handful of unsatisfying three-month relationships and a couple of one night stands, I had to pull the breaks. I was bored with making the same mistakes and reopening the same old wounds. I was bored with myself.
Now, don’t misunderstand. I said a couple one night stands. I’m a girl with a healthy appetite for and attitude about sex, but I’m no floozy. Maybe I don’t sport date because I’m not capable of it (I think my multi-tasking skills shut off when I leave the office). My preferred dating strategy has always been this: meet someone I like, try it out, and if it doesn’t work… start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. I’ll admit that there’s still nothing I’d like more than to meet a nice man who’d come to stay for while.
But these days, I’m not open to meeting anyone. Not even the nice ones. I told Stephanie as much.
“I think that’s fine – to focus on other things for a while.” She brought up work and writing and other things that deserve a bit of obsessing over. “Just so long as you’re not closing yourself off.”
“Hmmm.” I considered it for a split second. “Well, that’s exactly what I’m doing.”
* Not only has the name been changed, but just so you know, the moniker has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Ya big pervert.
men are pigs to one degree or another. i’m a man, i know. nothing wrong with being alone for awhile. lonely is another matter entirely. sounds like you have plenty of distractions with the new job and what-not. if it isn’t broke don’t fix it. but that’s just me talkin. what do i know?
Congrats on the new job and the wisdom in knowing you need to pull the brakes for a while. They tell us love will come when we least expect it, whomever ‘they’ are anyway!
I did the exact same thing for the exact same reasons and I actually gained some serious clarity. If it feels right, it is right.
admitting that you are not ready for some things can be very satisfying. on the other hand, look for things that you ARE ready for like a new job…
you and i should write a book (and, umm, i’m not just saying that). i have JUST been thinking the same exact thoughts. oh it’s so lovely to be single gosh i have freedom la-dee-dah i wish i didn’t come home to an empty place when will these folks stop asking when i’m going to get married don’t they know they’re hitting sore spot?! could that be our title??
::hugs::
Hey, nothing wrong with putting oneself on the shelf for a while. Amazing things happen, sometimes. I went on the no-go list for six months once. It got ugly toward the end, but then I did meet someone I dated for quite a while. We’re still friends. Of course I still forget and try to date every once in a while even when I KNOW my picker in women is disconbobulated at the moment.
All I can say is, “Keep the faith sister. Keep the faith.”
Is this Stephanie of Greek Tragedy fame?
Fish, we all end up there. Good to take some time to regroup & think things over. My latest motto–”there’s always another one.” I’m told it’s a numbers game, the more bad ones I meet the closer I am to the right one. I’m rooting for you, in fact I’m rooting for us all.
I hear there are a lot of Egyptian taxi drivers going cheap right now — at least according to this: http://livingfordisco.blogspot.com/
i was there once. i also did the lather, rinse, repeat. and then i stopped dating. i was at the point where i was ready to give up on true love. the kind that makes knees melt. the kind where old tv shows would show exploding fireworks and play funny sound effects after that first kiss. i was ready to settle for good enough when he came along. i was ready to find a nice guy who would be a friend and not be mean. a bit boring was sounding ok.
and then i met HIM.
don’t close yourself off. taking yourself out of the game is fine, but stay open. your HIM is out there too.
Fish, You are SO relateable. I am feeling the exact same way right now. Yes, the guys have had their own faults – but mostly I blame myself for allowing them to treat me the way they did and to have not stood my ground. And it’s such a hard game to not play games – by not being needy – but to have our needs satisfied. Here’s to girls night out…
Do me a big favor, get out your calendar, and mark on some date there in big letters “OPEN.” Trust me on this one, don’t stay closed off for too long. I’m currently the unofficial world record holder for that, and I don’t need any challengers.
Seriously, just take a little time for yourself, but don’t give up on us guys, there are still some good ones left. We’ll wait for you.
heather- I feel your pain, but when you are ready I know you will be back up on that bicycle with a glint of hope in your eyes. After all, if someone could fall in love with me, then anything is possible, right? -gregg
–> doing the same thing right now myself. Sucks to not have a date to company Christmas party, but better no date than date who drinks lots of martinis within the scope of about 2 hours and then engages my co-workers in a discussion about how to not get caught drunk-driving…..
Having pangs of loneliness while single is much better than being drowned in loneliness while partnered.
As long as you’re happy, that’s what matters.
You didn’t tell Stephanie about us?? Are you ashamed of me? Is that what this is all about?
I’m so hurt, baby.
Why do people always have to look for some kind of explanation when you say you’re not dating anyone? Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet, and it’s not something you can explain or give a reason for.
Grrr… can you tell I speak from experience with that kind of thing?
You know of course that five minutes after one takes oneself off the market, a great person comes along? As soon as you give off the “not interested” vibe they’ll be knocking down your door.
At least, this is my experience.
i took a 6 or 7 year hiatus from boyfriends. sure, i may have made out with a few strangers in the corners of dark bars or went on a few low-key dates, but i was DECIDEDLY NOT looking for anything that required much more than first names and cell phone numbers… and was very upfront about it…
best thing i ever did – cause i learned to be alone without being lonely. and as a result, wont bother to stay in a going-nowhere relationship just for the sake of having SOMEONE, ANYONE…
so i say good for you!!! – there’s a lot to be said for being good and happy and single for a good long time…
dont let anyone rush you back into the game – you’ll know when you are ready to play again…
I am going through the exact same thing right now- I officially went on strike this weekend after being disappointed by yet another guy. I need to figure out what I really want and the best way to get it before I go out there again. I actually considered writing down some rules for myself but then decided that would be too pathetic…so I just memorized them instead
Good luck!
Exactly.
Hmm… all our hanging out – that dinner and a Hitchcock Saturday night, a Friday night out with the family… am confused. I thought we were dating!
I feel your pain sister, I really, truly do. What night is date night this weekend? Did we decide on Friday? 
You know what might work. Change the pronounciation of moniker to “mo-nick-er” It kind of rhyms with “ass-kicker”. What’s this got to do with dating? Don’t ask me, I’m married. We returned that part of my brain with the extra gravy boat. Plus, we all need to start focusing on turkey consumption. Get your game faces on, gang!
I completely agree with you. Sometimes I really don’t trust my judgement either. I think it’s the way guys smell, it’s so intoxicating.
I’m sure there is nothing that anyone can say to you that you havenât already heard, or maybe even realized yourself on some level. And your “break” from dating could have something to do with your recent feeling of melancholy. It’s like severing a limb, except not as extreme or bloody.
What your going through is not unique (I don’t mean to come across harsh). I went through something similar a little while back. Continuing to make the same mistake over and over and over and over…You see where I’m going. And I went through a period of “not wanting”, and even that was self destructive for a while (eh, it happens). And don’t get me wrong, I still had some “side projects”, but I had long since decided that those were dead ends. I even when as far to move out of state!
But now, I have a great guy! I never thought it would happen, and I wasnât “ready” for it. I’ve never been happier.
Take some time for yourself, the feeling of melancholy will pass. Find out who you are again. The guy will find you.
You’re a very smart girl! Maybe once you take some time for yourself, you’ll be able to figure out exactly what you want in a guy.
After my last disasterous date the other night (think Tobias Funke from Arrested Development), I am right there with you, Fish.
There’s being alone, and there’s being lonely. Two very, very different things. I’ve always been a firm believer that 1) you should know who you are individually before you become part of a couple and B)you shouldn’t be with just anyone for the sake of a warm body.
And until He shows up? There is wine to be drunk, new shoes to be broken in, books to be read, and friends to help keep you sane. Oh, and an internet full of people who can relate.
In order to give off the “Vibe”, you have to be open to relationships, if you close yourself off the love gods will know and therefore withhold the vibe. When your ready, smile..dazzle and be youself…you will be on the right track…cheers!
Yes, it is sad, but we as a species are, well, pigs. We really can’t help it however as it is a part of our genetic structure.
I went on what I call “guyatus” for a while – a dating hiatus – because like you I was sick of repeating the same old mistake, relationships breaking up for the same reasons again and again. Eventually I had to realise I was the common denominator in each scenario and I clearly needed to fix my head.
This part you may not want to hear – the guyatus went for 18 months!! But I don’t regret a bit of it. I broke old habits, got my head into a good spot and figured out what a healthy relationship was and, more importantly, how I could have one.
It worked for me. It was the best thing I’ve ever done and I’m with The Guy. Taking time out for yourself so you stop repeating patterns can only ever be a good thing. I can’t encourage you enough.
I hope some of these comments are coming from people in their thirties. I need some encouragement myself.
Kristin, I’m well into my thirties, and athough I may have missed out on some things being unattached for a long time, I see other people who were in relationships just to not be alone, and guess who is happier? When you find what makes you happy within yourself, that is when everything else starts to make sense. I’m still working on this myself, so possibly I’m not the best example. hahaha.
I can really relate to that. I’m also on a break from men, but the thing is, the longer I live without one, the less I WANT one. Enjoy your YOU time, and your new job.
After my last break-up, I made a concious decision to take myself off the market until I felt healthy and centered. I didn’t put a time limit on myself, but figured it might take a year or so to get to that point. It took four, but it was the best thing I have EVER done for myself, and I am worth so much more now, and won’t settle for less than what I’m worth.
i’m a big proponent of ‘me’ time. i take one weekend a year and just spend it with myself. i don’t talk to anyone else. i’m just along with me, myself and i. i think you have to really know yourself before anyone else and can ‘get’ the real you. and you have to learn to love yourself, flaws and all, before anyone else will. that’s just what i learned.
sigh….men talking down on ‘their species’ is so 2002. lame pick up line at best
I feel the same exact way! After my latest dating disaster, I felt totally incompentent to make any choices about guys. This particular disaster ended a year ago, and I still wonder if I can trust my own judgment. After so many years of being “understanding” and without being needy or demanding, it is hard for me to do anything else.
Obviously that wasn’t working, though, so it was time to try something new. I figure that I don’t need to actually become a different person, I can still be laid back and understanding. The difference is that I need to make sure that someone is worthwhile of that kindness, instead of assuming that no one would take advantage of it/me. (Because, as I learned from Latest Dating Disaster, that is patently untrue.)
Eventually, the right guy will come along, who won’t take advantage of my kindness and understanding. I hope.
Good luck to you!! …and congrats on the new job!
Funny how many of us there are who are on “guyatus” (hilarious word by the way) Its just me, my little boy, and the cat now, and I think I like it like this.
And yes Kristin, I am in my 30′s. You are not alone, honey.
Kristin – i just turned 30 – but i’m there with ya sista. to qoute jennifer garner in 13 going on 30 ‘i’ve decided that 30 is going to be totally awesome’
Never having dated and being really kind of ‘would be nice but not happening’ I know how you feel about the dating hiatus.
Maybe someday, huh?
God bless, Fish.
I just love this post!
Just as we have to try out different shampoos to find the right match for our hair, dating men is a lot of trial and error!
Ve ah all doomt to a life of unhappiness und loneliness.
Just thought I’d inject a note of total pessimism into the mix.
I think it’s because we (as a race) stopped dying at 45. That was where it all started going wrong.
ha.
I am 32, and WOW HAVE I LEARNED LOTS! Been divorced, been through the disasters, now met someone online whom passed all the safety tests that one gives meeting someone online, and I found the man whom I thought never existed. Kind, compassionate, helpful, cute, smells nice, smart and loves kids. Sometimes we have to go through the bads stuff, to appreciate the goods stuff and to figure out what we want. When one door closes, three more open. Enjoy your time alone Fish, it will just prepare you for something wonderful.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
“Now, donât misunderstand. I said a couple one night stands. Iâm a girl with a healthy appetite for and attitude about sex, but I’m no floozy.”
Um, excuse me? Taking a break from men can be a smart and respectable choice, but that’s no reason to put down women who would rather play the field and enjoy taking a break from relationships while still enjoying casual sex. Women who claim to have “healthy attitude”s about sex shouldn’t feel the need to stereotype those who choose to exercise their “healthy sexual appetites”. Your insinuation that just because sex without commitment didn’t turn out to be right for you, that those who do choose it are less intelligent or moral, is unjustified and insulting.
Try as I may, I can’t seem to find anywhere that I said sex without committment is unintelligent.
Furthermore, the traditional sense of ‘morality’ would disagree with you (sleeping around has not normally been considered one of the more holy behaviors), but I never appealed to morality (as it applies to sex, I have very little use for those sorts of rules). And moreover, I never made any sort of judgment about anybody other than myself.
If you don’t like the word floozy, that’s one thing. But if you’re so okay with that behavior, I wonder why you’d care so much what term was used to describe it.
Seems to me you’re looking for something to get upset about.
Your insinuation that just because sex without commitment didn’t turn out to be right for you, that those who do choose it are less intelligent or moral, is unjustified and insulting.
oooh catholic upbringing? you are getting a little too upset about it. and she didn’t say that. though if she had, she would not have been incorrect.
There’s the alternate correlary to what Debbie said- i.e. “it’s only when you don’t want love and aren’t interested in looking that it finds you.”
I just thought I’d point that out, because projecting the “Love Vibe” never got people boyfriends as far as I can tell. Just look at The Curse of The Singles Table.
After reading this post, I see right away why our mutual pal G thinks we would get along
It’s all just part of the same story, really
Women put up a wall of discriminating finickitiness, disguised as sociability, around them. Men get bored with it and start to rant. Women go into tears of mourning wandering “what is wrong with us?” Romance can be such a grind.
Hi Fish – just wanted to wish you luck on your first day of your new job tomorrow!! Hope it’s wonderful.
You realize that by not looking, you are probably going to end up meeting someone. That’s the way the universe works.
I took myself out of the game after losing what I consider the love of my life. Getting back in the game has been difficult, and I still don’t think I have the rules right.
I just read the into of that book “the curse of the singles table.” Amusing. I should read that book sometime, and also notify the author that she does not hold that record. I passed that mark a year ago. So, don’t anyone feel bad, there’s always someone in worse shape.
Take yourself out for one year. No sex, no dating, no nothing. It is amazing what will happen to your perspective!
Boy, can I relate! As a 40 something crazy cat lady, I know about the search for the elusive compatible male. I still have hope, I am a romantic, but in the meantime, I have friends and family, work, and my new cat. I adore my cat!
I love your writing!!
This whole topic reminds me that life is just full of paradox- One big giant paradox! Riding the rails of love, affection & sex takes a lot of balance. Balance lacking (poor judgement)makes fish fall off bikes! Too much reasoning/judgement makes fish not want to ride the bike! OY!!!