“Hi, Daddy!â€ù
“Hi, kiddo.â€ù
“How are you?â€ù
“Well, your sister is here. She just told me.â€ù
“Oh. Oh god.â€ù
I sit up in bed, rub my right hand over my eyes and think of what to say next.
“I have bad timing. I’m so sorry.â€ù
He’s just learned that my mom is getting married in three weeks. I know he’s probably wondering why no one told him, even though the truth is, we’ve only known for a few days. I only took my silk dress to have it cleaned just yesterday. Travel arrangements barely made, and mom’s emailed list of Wedding FAQs still in my inbox. It’s new to everyone.
“Are you okay?â€ù
“No.â€ù
When my dad cries, it does something to my guts. Twists them up so they don’t fit right. I get nervous and frightened and unsure about which of us is the parent and which is the child. He’s delicate in the way children can be – easily hurt, happiest with his delusions. He’s always hoped she’d change her mind.
“I wouldn’t think you were human if you were okay,â€ù I say and then let him go, asking him to call when he’s ready to talk.
He calls back while I’m typing. I tell him I’m sorry. He tells me he should have seen it coming.
“Doesn’t make it hurt any less.â€ù I give him permission to be sad.
I’ve been excited about the wedding – about my mom’s new happiness and about being back in Texas after so many years. But I’ve been worried, too, about this.
He wonders aloud why he still loves her, after all this time and after all the ways they weren’t good for each other. I think about the last time I loved wrong. About how I still feel victimized by it from time to time.
“Funny how that works, isn’t it? Love never has made a whole lot of sense.â€ù
here’s a hug for your daddy. it seems, when you examine it, men are really the diehard romantics. i know many who feel just left behind.
-natalie
It’s got to be rough on the guy. I think it’s amazing how family always tries to circle the wagons for each other, even if things haven’t always been perfect.
your family posts are always v. touching.
Yikes. Oh, that’s hard. Your poor dad. It’s tough to be a parent for your parent. Sounds like you did a good job.
Fish
I know that when my mother cries I need to leave the room – run away and try to control my helpless pounding heart and rising heat in my cheeks. I want to reach out and take it from her, despite the fact that I don’t normally agree with her and that her pain was probably self-induced. I become a bumbling wreck and say pointless meaningless things. I guess it doesn’t ever matter how you feel about your parents, whether you adore them or not, when they cry a small part of your world crumbles …
delicate, indeed, and wonderfully told.
much happiness to your mother, and hopefully your father will one day find happiness of his own. your parents have a loving daughter in you.
thanks
that was beautiful
It’s so hard when your parents have a moment of weakness. No matter how old you are you expect your parents to be bullet proof and when you see the human side in them it makes you realize that no matter how old we get, life and love are always hard and it dosn’t get any easier with time. Best wishes to your mother for a happy marriage and best wishes to your father hoping he finds happiness again soon.
My dad calls me kiddo too.
This post broke my heart.
Wow, that was a pretty hard post to read. It’s hard for divorced parents (like me) to see these things through their children’s eyes…I’ve never been there.
Thanks for showing me the view, and reminding me to be stronger.
Wishing that your fathers heart will heal.
I can’t speak for your father or anyone other than myself but I’m one of those romantic men. I still feel a pang of loss over the last relationship I failed in. Despite being the one who broke it off, despite being first to find someone new.
The problem is that what I feel for my friends and family is the same as what I feel when I’m “In Love”. The only difference is how intensely I feel it. So, despite not being “In Love” with her anymore, I still love her. It’s a sliding scale don’t you know. Until I figured that out it lead to all kinds of angst and confusion. Including, but not limited to: drunk emailing and tearful phonecalls. Making that distinction was the only way I could let go enough to move on for real.
I hope your dad figures out a healthy way to let go. Sounds like you have a good handle on what he needed from you.
Much joy to your mom and her new hubby-to-be.
This happened to my family as well. My mother left my father, my father didn’t want her to go, she remarried soon after the divorce, my father was devastated and it was the first time I’d ever heard him cry. The sounds of his sobs just tore me to pieces.
Eight years later, he remarried too, but I know he still loves her like he always has. People move on and reclaim their happiness, but sometimes those deep wounds never heal completely, they just kind of, scab over.
Good luck to your family.
very hard and touching post. i feel bad now. but very best wishes to your mom and tell ur dad to be strong.
on similar lines, I sometimes think how is it possible to love more than 1 person in your lifetime. maybe its just me or from where i come from. But i always wanted to ask my friends(though never dared to!) how can u do that? what do u do with all the memories…doesn’t it hurt. how do u let go of something you once thought was so precious. How do u love someone again from the start. Don’t u always end up comparing things? I don’t think i can ever understand that and i don’t think i can even survive that if it ever happens to me…like i said….it just maybe me.
Went through a very similar situation about a year ago. Dad is just more emotional these days and never seems to be quite like he was before mom ended things. I know how tough it can be to learn to function as the supporter rather than the supportee.
My best to you and your family. And have fun goin’ home again.
My parents’ divorce is in the process of being finalized. Even though I’m 23, and everytime I talk to my Dad and he sounds so far away and broken I get choked up too. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like when one of them wants to remarry…
I wonder what it’d be like to feel close to a “daddy”. My situation was reversed… it was my brother and I informing my mother that my father had remarried.
Great post
Ugh. This made my heart sink.
I hope both of you feel better soon.
Prayers to your entire family. You’re a good daughter!
Hi Fish.
Thanks for posting this. It’s almost like I can see it coming in my future. The rents separated in September & my Dad still loves my Mom more than he should. It always helps the heart to know that we aren’t alone.
Coincidentally, Delicate by Damien Rice is a very sad, wistful song.
It’s always affects me very deeply when I see this sort of weakness in my parents. Growing up with them has given me the expectation that they’re more than human.
Love never has made a whole lot of sense
Heather- I hope it gets better for you, cuz sometimes it does
Wow your Mom made an FAQ? That’s ultra super impressively geeky.
As i was reading it,and not just the story of Fish,which was a really moving experience, but also everybody’s comments i was welling up.I don’t even know where it was coming from but i couldn’t help it.My parents divorced last year and my dad married another woman 3 months ago,my mum couldn’t bear the news and had a nervous breakdown.I did all i could to help her live through it which took like 2 months and though she’s still not over it, i can see the change in her and it’s reassuring!I want to thank Fish and all of you guys who wrote the comments for making me get it off my chest.
Wow…tough conversation. My ex and I have three daughters together and have been divorced a little more than a year now. I’ve met someone else who is Mr. Why Didn’t I Meet You 20 Years Ago and I know it’s difficult for him. I swore, after the divorce, that I’d never marry again…but I’m thinking about it. I can only keep saying “I don’t wanna” to Mr. Wonderful so many times. And when I do, eventually, say yes, I’d imagine it will be my kids who will be in your position.
I’ve met both your parents and they are both wonderful. Even though your dad may be a crazy old man he is still amazing, thoughtful, and extremely selfless. he’s too wonderful a guy to imagine he won’t get over at least some of it.
That was a beautiful post, all the best to your Mom and her new husband and I hope your dad can come to grips with this and move on happily
Dear Fish…
Love may not make a lot of sense, but fathers and daughters do. How sensitive you were to his feelings. You felt his pain and gave him permission to grieve. Grieving over lost loves, past mistakes and futile hope is as painful as grieving over the death of someone.
Here’s to fathers and daughters…a strong bond.
A year ago, I was the one whose son called me to say that his dad was getting remarried. The phone call was so very difficult for him to make. For me, I felt the loss all over again, but am glad to say that ultimately, it was a good thing, because it forced me to accept the reality that the marriage really was over, he was not coming back, and I am slowly in the process of making a happy life for myself with a bright future. The sun will shine again for your dad….I know this for sure.
I hate the way love crushes, the way it never truly leaves. It’s been more than 10 years since I met “the one”, and even today the mention of his name haunts my heart.
I feel for your situation, but part of me is envious that you have such a caring and emotional relationship with your father. My parents are divorced and my mother is now in a ‘brady bunch’ situation with a new partner, my kid sis and his kids. My father is what i call emotionally-retarded and I’ve never seen him show much emotion about anything, even at his mother’s funeral. The awkward way he says ‘I love you’ is worse than a sobbing fit. My mother is so happy now and I wish all of your family the best.
Oh dear…your post was very touching. Such a slice of life. You should write books…it was like reading a chapter of a bigger story…which is probably true in real life.
Please tell us more about the wedding etc. Your blog is very pretty! Love the pink, naturally!
something about a man’s voice when he cries..nothing rips my heart to shreds than just that.
But…sigh* Its never made sense. Love, that is. I hope it never does…
Definitely one of your best posts–very moving.
Best of luck to your mom and her new husband.
Hopefully your dad will meet someone to brighten up his life.
Be prepared to be wowed by the changes in the DFW area since you left. I had only been gone 2.5 years when I came back at the end of last year and couldn’t believe my eyes.
Nice going. That affected me and made me wish for the first time in half a life time that I had parents that I could care that much about.
Very nice post, all the best to your family.
where be you are?!
I was computer-less this weekend!
It’s tough & happiness when one parent finds new love…happened to my dad who got married within 1 year of meeting his new wife. I was so happy for him but sad for my mom in some ways. Hugs to y’all. (By the way just started reading all of your posts a few weeks ago…great blog!)
After more than twenty years apart, I think my husband’s father, despite his own remarriage, still loves his mother, in a sad, sentimental way. Being an old-school military man, I don’t think he ever quite grasped that she left him because she couldn’t abide a traditional marriage.
your posts about your dad always stir up so much emotion in me. i cry every time.
man.. thats was touching… im actually scared when i see guys cry and it will be a big tihin if it was my dad… just found your blog. like it a lot…