My first thought when the email appeared in my inbox late last week was, “No. She did not.” My second thought was, “Of course she did.”
Who but my mother – the same mother who meticulously planned out each fifteen- minute interval of our family vacations (in ink!) in her Franklin Planner for years – would send out a Wedding FAQ? I should not have been the least bit surprised. But, as familiar as I was with my mom’s ability to…over organize something, I was a little curious as to who was doing all this frequent asking. My sisters? There were only five of us invited to the shindig. How many questions could there be?
Shaking my head, I double-clicked the attachment. What I found when it opened was not a list of appointments and pick-up times, dress codes and who’s who, but MSWord proof that smart-assedness is, at least to some degree, genetic.
From My mother’s list of Wedding FAQ:
1. Do we get new dresses? Only if they’re peach. Just kidding; no, I’m not having bridesmaids and I am not buying new dresses all around. YOU may, of course, buy yourself a new dress whenever you like. Just not peach.
2. What time is the wedding? Oh, 7 pm sounds good.
3. Is it formal or casual? Yes. That is to say, you can wear what you want, but mostly I would describe it as “dressy” but not formal, no, not formal.
4. Do we get new dresses? No.
5. What kind of ceremony is this going to be? Pagan. As Unitarians, we HAD considered marrying under a canopy, then jumping a broom with a Navajo blanket around us, but decided it would be too hard to include every wedding tradition we’ve seen. So we’re going pagan.
6. Does that mean we get new dresses? No.
7. Are you going to take Bob’s name? No, I think he needs to keep it. If I were going to change my name, I would want to change my first name to Rachel. Seriously though, I want to keep the name that links me to my children. Plus, do you KNOW how many places you have to contact once you’ve changed your name???! Just changing my address was a pain in the neck.
8. What do we call Bob after the wedding? Bob.
There are more. There is also a revised edition. Oh yes, there is. And wouldn’t you know it? One of my sisters actually got a new dress out of the deal! After all that! Either it’s all this wedding lunacy or my mom’s just gotten soft in her old age.
Personally, I’m just sorry there’s not going to be any peach at the wedding. Or blush and bashful. I mean, what’s a wedding without really bad bridesmaid dresses?
Answer me that, Ma!
that’s so cute!
what?! no spraying down the town hall with pepto bismal? i’m astonished!
I’m thoroughly disappointed myself.
It’s times like these that make me glad I always keep a clean tuxedo on hand.
What time shall I pick you up?
Tell me you at least get to tease your hair and triple coat it with Aqua-Net?
you balance so well the laughter and joy with which you support your mother and the dignity and tenderness with which you adore your father. they are so lucky they had children together even if all else didn’t work out.
- natalie
A Steel Magnolias reference. Excellent.
No blush and bashful? Even better.
So I am guessing peach is not her signature color?
That is hilarious! I feel your pain fish. I too grew up with a mother that planned every little detail of not only our vacations but my life.
You gotta play the sister thing up now like your twelve. Tell your mother that if your sister gets a new dress then so do you and it has to be better than hers!
I tried that, but I got a plane ticket… which is probably a wee bit more expensive than a new dress.
That is hilarious! I feel your pain fish. I too grew up with a mother that planned every little detail of not only our vacations but my life.
All I have to say is let’s hear it for Unitarians and their pagan ways!
Oh my gosh, your mom’s adorable!
Hey Fish–Is your Mom getting married int he Untiarian Church in Dallas? The one in the Park Cities?
My Dad is very active there, but it’s a huge church. Just feeling the small-world-ness of it all.
Yay for Unitarians…although we’re not all pagans, except, perhaps, in the Dantean sense…
Are you going to take Bobâs name? No, I think he needs to keep it.
I love this. Your mother is cute as a button.
But I’ve never understood why weddings have bad bridesmaid dresses as a general rule. With the exception of the wedding above, of course, most bridesmaids and brides are generally in the same age bracket, and they’re friends, so they should have something in common in terms of style, no? Unless the bride is envious of her friends’ looks and feels the need to make them deliberately dumpy and silly–and who would want to be friends with someone like that? So, why on earth does this happen?
I let my sister pick out her own dress for my wedding, which she promptly wore to her school’s Christmas formal.
I find it so *cute* that you wanted to share that with us. Tnx
Hilarious.
My mom is also getting re-married soon(in April) to someone she’s only been dating for 4 months.
Even funnier, we just had a laugh about this lovely peach and hot pink taffeta bridesmaid number I threatened to wear.
I don’t know about your mom, but mine is a total hippie and would DIE (laughing, that is) if I wore it. I just might….just might.
Shame only 5 guests. Who are you supposed to take a swing at when you’re loaded? Wait, no, that’s just my family. Sorry to project. Have a great time at the wedding
not just a dress… but jewelry to go with it. maybe i can get some shoes out of the deal too
Tramp!
I swear. If I end up on a flight next to some guy who takes up both of our seats AND you look better in your new dress at the wedding, I’m so going Step-Sister on your ass and there won’t be a fairy godmother to save you.
Heh.
Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for sharing that with us…
I’d have to go more of what Mike had said about his family with mine – there’s more about getting drunk and saying insane things. Weddings are when my dad likes to get drunk and yell at my cousin’s husband because he thinks he’s hitting on me… just thought I’d share a bit of my family’s craziness!
Sigh.
Will you at least dawn the big Dallas Texas hair when your down here?
She didn’t rule out lime green did she?
Brillant.
So what she’s saying is that they’ll be no new dresses? Except for Joyce.
What are we supposed to call Bob?
Well, I’ve been referring to him as StepBob. He doesn’t seem to mind.
I heard Julia Roberts’ voice at “blush and bashful”. Oh, how it all came rushing back.
I hope you have fun when you visit Texas. We’re happy to have you. PS It’s been seventy degrees all week.
I love the blush and bashful comment…and your mom’s hilarious!
I was a maid-of-honor at my college girlfriend’s wedding in Houston, and we all had our hair done together, and even though I requested a SIMPLE FRENCH TWIST, I got the beehive. A BEEHIVE. I kid you not.
The bride was being styled across the room, and she said I was cringing the entire time, and she KNEW it was being deflated as soon as we left the salon. 50 bobbypins later, and she was right!
Thank goodness we got to wear dark blue, so it wasn’t ALL painful. (Although, one of her uncles DID drop me while teaching me to salsa at the reception.)
Have fun.
I like how your mother would changer her name to Rachel. I had a cousin named Debbie Hockerman (H pronounced like the german hard H making it sound particularly nasty.)
We weren’t surpized when we heard she changed her name. What did surprize us was that she changed her name to Elizabeth Hockerman.