If I knew the answer to that (or ever got over my fear of marriage) I might actually be a wife! But iVillage asked me to weigh in as part of their Love Council anyway.
My answer is the last one…in the spot usually reserved for Dr. Ruth. Dudes. I think this means I’m qualified by association. Shh, yes it does. Let’s not argue. And please, don’t be shy about calling on me for my wisdom.
The doctor is in.
Snort!
Congratulations! and well said. Just started reading your site…and its great…=)
Heather- I don’t know my A+s from A-s. Neither do I understand what it means to have the complete package. I only know that the most attractive woman is the one who really gets me, and I her. Somehow when it is right, the rest seems to fall into place.
i’ve never had a real girlfriend, but i imagine what the foundation for a good girlfriend is the same as for a good wife: someone i can TRUST.
I agree with your comments 100%!!! I’ve tried going blonde, acting helpless and needy and you know what, unfortunately it works. But what I found out is that after I found “my other half”, I didn’t recognize my own half anymore. I have walked through fire and made enough mistakes to know that I want a man who is ambitious enough to keep a roof over our head, food on the table and to fulfill his dreams, yet be able to have dinner with me and the kids and give the kids a bath while I clean up the kitchen, and a man that will take just as good of care of me when I am sick as I do of him.
I pray that someday I find this man but I have learned that I am enough and I don’t NEED another half because I am whole already just being me!
You have a fear of marriage? Why?
Will you be weighing in going forward, or is this just a one time deal?
Congrats on the Dr. Ruth-worthy position Fish! And that’s coming from a bona fide “relationship advisor” (although I usually advise about ill-conceived crushes and kissing, not on how to find a wife–thankfully!) Your advice was great!
i don’t think men have any better handle on what they want in a wife than women do in a husband. let me rephrase. men know what they want, but don’t always want what is best for them. i noticed this trend in myself. i tend to be attracted (or enthralled) with women who really don’t stand a chance of being compatible with me. i think it stems from fooling yourself into thinking you are one type of person, when in fact you’re another. this is why outside advice can be helpful. your friends know you for who you really are, prospective mates likewise. objectivity being key. i think people shouldn’t settle out. better to be alone, than a fraud.
Well…I’m a dancer and I hate dancers! I find them boring…in fact, maybe it’s a competition thing…I find women attractive that are interested in different things and talented in other ways to me. I think that it comes down to the fear of being overshadowed or ego though…I think that the saying “opposites attract” has a lot of truth in it!
But marriage… a very, very long way away I think!
I liked your answer (and I love your site). Honestly, I think people who marry for any of these types reasons are idiots. If you marry as a partnership for life, like marriage is meant to be, only about 1/3 of the time you are together will raising a family and climbing the corporate ladder be an issue. Unless you’ve married because you’ve found a person you enjoy being with all the time and making decisions together with, you’ll be stuck with a person who really isn’t the one for you.
I enjoyed reading your answer.
Are we single because we’re scared?
Why most of us have a fear of relationships and emotional attachment?! Is it because of a past relationship, or maybe it’s because of a broken heart, or because we all in a serch of an ideal?
I don’t know how or why I get drawn to emotionally unavailable men, but I do.
I do like being single and hate it. But then if I really wanted to remain this way then I shouldn’t be fantasizing about being in a relationship and being in love, which I do quite a bit (but would never admit to). It’s not the fact that you have a full life or standards that is the problem, but being at the point where you can really let yourself go with someone. If you don’t give them all you got, how will you ever know if they were right for you or not? I guess there has to come a point sometime, where you let someone in your heart for real. That’s pretty scary…..I’ve run from that, for a very long time. It took good 5 years to allow anyone to get close.
It’s also kinda fear keeping me single, but it’s more like skepticism. Most people are intrinsically good, but their souls are covered by layers upon layers of twisted beliefs, dogmas, etc. that would distort them from seeing what kind of person I am in my core. And because of that, it makes me fear that rejection is inevitable. And while I understand that in such a situation it probably isn’t my fault so much as the fault of the relationship, I don’t want to be wounded by someone I may love.
Who on earth said that all of us have to settle down? It’s a simply a myth and nothing else. Just for the record, in the near future there is No waiting question, if I am planing to settle down? I am taking my time.
I think we should give some time to ourselfs to understand where both of us want to take this relation to. Because for what is going on right now between you and me, and I am going to be frank with you, I think I am in for an tumultuous ride down the proverbial emotional rollercoaster. I understand that having me as a friend is nice, as much as having you as a friend and I undestand that you don’t want to loose me as much as I don’t want to loose you, but I don’t want to be always on the back burner.
This was my letter to my Aries guy after we had very open conversation about me and him. He said he is not emotionally ready, and he is ont ready to settle down. Do you think I have scared him with my marriage talks, and how old i am getting etc.
If most women would choose their best male friend and add sex to the relationship, they would be very happy. Instead, most spend enormous time and energy looking for what many already have. I think this is because many women are far more superficial than they ever admit to themselves. While they say looks don’t matter (much), I think they matter to women as much or more than to most men. Then there is the whole power, prestiege and money thing. This is painfully evidenced by the incredibly nasty response that generally occurs when a guy says nothing more than “Hi” to a single woman. Shut down immediately if you do not have the right suit/car or the alpha-male look and persona. (I can hear the comments now, but I assure you it is painful and true.)Most women end up chasing one alpha male who dosen’t need them because they are all chasing him. In the end, I think it creates marriages/partnerships based on the wrong things and eventually leads to the American divorce rate. Girls have all the power, use it wisely!
If women married the men who are our best friends and just added sex; there might be a lot of gay men in heterosexual marriages. Some of us know exactly what we want and have no idea where to find it. The truth is, some of the mating rituals (not the manipulative games) are necessary. The truth is, there is rarely a perfect match for anyone. Instead, relationships take work. They require us, especially the older us, to think for two without losing ourselves in the bargain. And once we make that commitment, they require us to grow together, to communicate, to compromise, and sometimes to just give in even when we know we’re right. We’ve lost sight somehow of the importance of marriage, the sanctity of the union. It’s way too easy to give up; but by the same token, it’s way too easy to get lost in what you think you’re supposed to be doing.
I just recently labeled myself “in love”. The reason being, I am in a relationship with my significant other, but we never declared we were in a relationship, but we know we belong to each other… We just “fit” without all this pressure of “boyfriend” and “girlfriend”. We both have the true feelings of trust, fulfillment, and dedication to each other without a word spoken about it. When you are in love, you need no words or confirmation. It just happens naturally.
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