inappropriate jokes i’ve made to my cat in the last 24 hours

Sir Hal has a collection of real-looking mouse toys that I like to call his ‘babies.’ Hal, go find your baby. and off he’ll scamper like a puppy to find one. Me, I find them in my purse or my sneakers from time to time, but most often, soaking in his water dish. At any given point, there are at least half a dozen of these things lying around the apartment. This morning, I came out of my bedroom and was a little amused to find five little ‘babies’ drenched and floating in his water dish.

“Aw,” I said, bending down to retrieve his drowning victims. “My own little Andrea Yates.”

***

His Excellency is not easily spooked. I mean, we play stalking games where I chase him around the apartment and he acts dutifully on-edge, and we both know, this is just to humor me. He has nothing to be truly edgy about. He knows the only danger he’s in is if he gets too close to the heat pipe with his whiskers again. But today, when I came home from work and took my belt off with one long swoop! , he went flying. Claws scraping on the hardwood floor, he made a beeline for the bathroom. I stood there, belt in hand, completely surprised.

“Jeez. You act like you knew my dad during the 80′s.”

45 comments to inappropriate jokes i’ve made to my cat in the last 24 hours

  • Tara

    I’m laughing… and I hope it’s okay.

  • This Fish

    Yes, please! I’m pretty sure I’m going to offend all kinds of people with that one. Good thing the cat isn’t at all hyper sensitive.

  • Your cat fetches on command? That is so cool.

  • I hope it’s okay I’m laughing to! That was hysterical. Reminds me when my cat and I lived alone…we had loads of fun. I just had to delurk…thanks for the laugh and the memory!

  • Lex

    I last heard that sound from my dad more than 40 years ago, but I’d know it anywhere. In fact, my cousins used to use images of my dad and The Belt to scare one another.

    But the last time I heard the sound was in the summer of ’78 (I was 18), on Bourbon Street in New Orleans. The younger of my two brothers, then 15, had done something or failed to do something, I don’t know which, and Dad pulled his belt off and swatted him right there in the street. I remember thinking, “Man, I’m glad I’m drunk and can pretend that didn’t actually just happen.” My mother told me years later that that was when she decided she wanted a divorce. And the incident created an estrangement between my brother and my father that lasted until just days before my father died, last summer.

    Wow. That was kind of a bummer, huh? Hope it didn’t harsh your mellow.

  • Lex

    Obviously, my math is wrong and 1978 was NOT more than 40 years ago. The last time I heard The Belt before *I* got hit with it was more than 40 years ago.

  • Ari

    …and with that, the Baby Jesus shed a tear and ripped up your lease to Jupiter.

    For shame.

  • This Fish

    *Snort* You’ll never forgive me for not getting my own planet, will you?

  • nance

    twisted! love it!

  • Ahaha, I laughed at the jokes. I have a cat, but she never seemed much amused by anything I said.

    I guess I’m lucky that my dad never used a belt on us, so I don’t have bad connotations with it. Actually, I have good ones. My dad used to snap his belt, but not in a threatening way, rather in a “listen to this cool sound” way. And I also have good connotations about it from my boyfriend.

  • I live with an Andrea Yates feline as well.

    And I too remember the sound of the belt. I never actually was *hit* with it…the sight and sound of it being pulled from the loops was enough to make me beg for “one more chance. I promise I’ll be good.”

    I grew up pretty well-adjusted, I think. Except for taking pleasure in inappropriate jokes.

  • I know of a guy who never actually hit his kids with a belt, but he frequently threatened to, taking it off and just kind of holding it, like a loaded gun. And he’d make it even scarier by doing things to the belt first, such as sticking it in the freezer for a few minutes, or microwaving it on high for ten seconds.

  • We hardly ever got the belt, but my mom did use a paddle. One of my proudest moments as a child was the day I stuck my hand behind my butt to ward off the sting of the paddle and the thing broke in half on my hand. If I had been a blogger back then, the whole world would have known about the day I KARATE CHOPPED THE PADDLE! HI-YAH! My mother was…less enthusiastic about my maneuver.

  • RzDrms

    i will gladly mail you five dollars if you’ll please tell me why in the world cats drown their babies?! my cat drowns her teddy bear, who’s her “baby,” and i really think it’s just her attempt at “feeding” (“watering”) it. you know, like “drink,” you stupid baby!!!”

  • oh, man, would i be in such trouble if the dog could repeat the things i said ever-so-inappropriately to her. on the other hand, if she could talk, she’d probably demand therapy for what she’s seen go on around the house…

    my dad is a really big guy, so he didn’t exactly have the ability to whip that ol belt out with a quickness. what he did to terrorize us instead involved folding the belt in half, holding it out in front of him like that, and snapping it loudly at us. 6’3″, 350, coming at you with the snapping belt. damn, it’s a wonder **i** don’t need therapy.

  • Kala Lily

    Inappropriatly, I had to stop myself from sharing this with others. They think so litte of my humor already. So, is Sir Hal gonna get the chair?

    BTW.. I got the belt.. My brother got the belt, it was the 80′s and now I think we are both well adjusted and ‘abusive free’ adults.

  • LuckyCharm

    Cute cat, love the fishes story. My dad loved that belt! The buckle really stung. I can remember sitting on my bed for as long as 8 hrs, “just go wait til you’re father gets home!” Oh the memories!!!! Yes I have issues…

  • Considering that I make my own dogs answer my snarky remarks in cute little voices, I’m sure they would laugh anyway.

  • and here i thought my second cat – spooky – was unique! i regularly have drowning mice (stuffed kind) in her water bowl. strange, but the older cat, damien’s never done that.

    since it’s my first post, fish- i love your blogs! i wa surfing i village and came upon them and the rest as they say, is history! i ve now progressed to reading the 20004 ones from the archive…cant wait for more. ps is this blogging? in which case, this is my first ever! the ex-blog-virgin.

  • Your dad, the 80′s, a belt, it all becomes so much clearer to me now little fish. Abuse, the continuing cycle. If you wouldve told me this sooner, I’d have been ready for the kick forsure.

  • Our cat always used to drown his toys. I used to just think it was him working out his personal issues ; ) I also loved the reference to the 80s and the belt. Ah, disciplining kids sure was different in those days, huh? I would behave on just the threat of the belt.

  • i’m laughing, but slightly horrified at the belt joke!

    the andrea yates one, hysterical. does that make me a future bad mother?

  • littlesmurf

    sory to be really stupib but who is andrea yates?

    with the baby drowning refernce im afraid to google it! (and i don’t use google)

  • Amy

    ah yes…the 80′s belt.

    I’d do a belly flop on my bedroom floor and fly like a cat under the bed to avoid the belt.

    I too am a “well adjusted and ‘abusive free’ adults.”

  • SC

    She was a lady who drowned her 5 children in the bath tub while her husband was at work.

  • Stephanie

    It’s so funny how that “swoop” sound can evoke fear in us so quickly and make us feel like a child in trouble.

    My dad was a “swooper” but my mom just had THE STARE! All she had to do was look at you and you knew you were in trouble.

  • YOU ARE SO WRONG!!!

    That said, I must be positively prime evil because I love you for it!!

  • I used to get the belt, the wooden spoon, the hair brush, the remote control, really we got whatever was in my mom’s hand at the time. But dont go thinkin that Im some crazy chick, everything turned out just fine. I just had a good laugh at your blog because I could relate.

    And my cat of 18 years never put anything into her water dish but after reading this blog I kinda wish she would have for entertainments sake at least :)

  • Inappropriate? Yes. But still incredibly funny. Thanks for the laugh.

  • Mary

    Hilarious about the drowned mice! My cat used to put her weasel on the edge of her food bowl, I assume to feed it. She stopped doing it when we lost the original and replaced it with his “brother.”

  • See, if all cats were as fun as Sir Hal then I’d totally get one!

  • kT

    My grad school roommate’s cat (Augutus, and you know what you get when you name a cat after an Emperor) used to dump Mouse in the water dish and then whine and howl until one of us “rescued” the poor Mouse.

    My two? Let the bastards drown.

  • I just upset all of my cubicle buddies. I laughed and snorted and then tried to cover my mouth.

    I’m ashamed and horrified that i laughed so hard.

  • smokeyJoe

    i used to be greeted in the morning with visions of my rolled up socks and underwear in the water dish.

  • This Fish

    My dad wasn’t as much of a USER of the belt as he was a threatener. He was mostly bark.

  • I read once that when cats put their toys into their food dish it’s because they’re thanking you for their food. Like they’re giving their toys to you, in a way. Not sure if Sir Hal’s the water thing is the same, but if you start thinking of it that way I promise it’ll make you smile every time he does it. My cat’s mice and twist ties that she plays with are always in her food. :)

  • Barbara

    Andrea Yates punchline: Coffee came out of nose onto keyboard. Hiccuped a bit.

    Dad belt punchline: Dabbed paper towel at keyboard, feeling bad for laughing. Nose hurts.

  • Jessica

    One of my cats drowns here “babies” too. Unfortunately her “babies” are my socks that she wrangles out of the hamper. Oh, and she talks to them too – loudly. Anyone else’s do this?

  • Cassy

    I can not stop laughing at this. I feel like I shouldn’t be laughing & all that but that was quite the hilarious post and now I’ve got the giggles.

    Man just when I think I’m the only crazy out there talking to my cats, cracking jokes to them, about them, about me, & then responding FOR them, I come here and see I’m not alone! I also chase my cats about my apartment, but not only that we play Hide ‘n Seek too. I’ll run and hide and they’ll wait a minute and then come searching for me… then I pop out and scare them & then they hide. Its quite amusing. Yet when I told my boyfriend that I do this… oh the looks… heh He thinks he gets the gist of the craziness, I doubt it.

    Always glad to find I’m not alone! :-) Great post Fish.

  • I do the exact same thing with my dog! I jump at him, he takes of running, gets halfway across the house and looks back to notice I’m not following. And oh the barking that comes next! Aren’t pets fun?!

  • I also received the belt,the hair brush(once broken on the floor….he missed) also anything they could get their hands on. I wouldn’t say I’m a well adjusted adult, but I know I will never use objects to discipline my 2 kids. My hand works fine, and if your hands hurt from disciplinning your kids you shouldn’t be disciplining them that way. Say it with me”ANGER MANAGMENT”.

    i LOVE your writing Fish, i’ve never read your work before, and I am hooked. Thank you.

  • BusyBee

    I definately get some similar behavior out of my cat, only yesterday morning he had left a mouse in his food bowl, the only thing was it was a REAL mouse…

  • busy bee – at least it wasn’t the neighbors cat that left it on your doormat. i mean, i luv secret admirers, but come on.

  • Of my two sibling cats, Buster likes to play with twist ties and milk gallon lids. he will play with those things for hours. When he has become bored with them, he proceeds to hide them in my and my husband’s shoes. He also lies on our clothing that we have taken out in preparation for work, outings, etc. as if to say, “If I lie on your clothes, or put something in your shoes, you cannot get dressed, therefore, cannot leave me at home all alone……

    Oh, the hide and seek games that Buster and Missy have played with eachother.

    From one end of the house, up the stairs, to the other. (sounds like a herd of horses)…..

    I wouldn’t know how to act if something happened to my “kitties”…..

    Buster can go outside and sit on the front porch….just to “look around” the neighborhood, then comes back to the front door, pawing, as if to say “I am ready to come back in, now…”

  • LG

    I just clicked over from “Guillermo” and oh my goodness, this was hilarious. I got the belt, the paddle, the extension cord, etc. The two scariest sounds are the jingle of the belt buckle and the sound the belt makes when you double it and push both hands together to make it gap, then snap it back. Oh, you’d just have to be there.

    I have a dog that I sometimes pop on the rear end with my hand when he does something he’s not supposed to. Now when he’s doing something he knows he shouldn’t and I raise my hand, he goes scrambling across my woods floors. It’s hilarious. And mind you, my dog is a pit bull.