What’s wrong with today is that nothing is actually wrong.
Nothing is exactly right, either and that’s why I feel this way. Tired, sad, and three seconds or one sideways glance away from crying.
Part of this feeling is merely residue – physical exhaustion left over from Saturday night’s migraine. I’m still wobbly and slow. So slow that I know at work they must think I’m on drugs. Or possibly that I should be on drugs.
The prescription kind.
Incidentally, a century or two ago, I’d probably have been diagnosed as having ‘spells’ or as being ‘of delicate constitution.’ People would have walked on eggshells around me – lest I get vexed, have one of my spells and collapse in a heap of rags on a fainting couch in front of a cold cast-iron stove before dying tragically of consumption.
But the world doesn’t cut a girl that kind of slack these days.
So I had a bad day. I’m that goddamn James Blunt song on repeat at my own pity party. I’m sad and I want someone to buy me flowers and pet my hair. I want someone to trick me into feeling happy about something when, deep down, all I really feel is miserable and disappointed with the world. Disappointed with myself. I find that’s the thing I like least about growing up – being honest enough with myself that I have to admit, “You know, you really could be a lot better. A lot more.â€ù
When I was younger, I was always enough.
Once, years ago now, when I was feeling disappointed, heartbroken and small, I sent Jonathan an email SOS.
If you care about me at all, you will bring the rest of that ice cream and apple pie over to my house tonight.
He brought the rest of the pieâ€_ and then headed off for his band’s practice space to get high and bang his drums. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
Tonight, Sarah coaxed me downtown after work for coffee and Sephora browsing, a visit to the bird room at PetSmart and a loud, twenty-minute conversation about penises in the middle of Union Square – while half the city walked by deaf to our impropriety.
I would bring you the rest of a pie, she’d written earlier that afternoon.
It wasn’t pie, so much as a rice krispie treats and mocha frappuchino. It wasn’t pie at all. But then, obviously, that was never really what I’d wanted. When I feel small and hurt and a little bit lost, it’s not the rest of the pie that I need. It’s all of someone’s attention.
And if it comes with the repeated use of the word penis in public? So much the better.
I always think of “I am a rock, I am an island” on days like those. And then I realize, I’m neither. Glad you have people to get you through it.
I felt your post today. Your honesty is refreshing. My sister taught me to make a truly amazing apple-citrus pie. The apples are sliced really thin and she uses some fresh squeezed orange juice and fresh lemon in the mix. It’s awesome. For you – I could bake in a little attention. Have the pie if nothing else. Hope your week gets better. Dana H in Chicago
I’m with you 100%! When I am down, I can either retreat to my couch & veg, or rely on someone to help pep me up. The second always works so much better than the first. Glad you have such great friends.
D
Having a slump day sucks – you’re not alone there – but you’ve uncovered a universal truth: there’s nothing you can’t get through without girlfriends. They rock!
And if nothing else works just remember, “This too shall pass”.
deja vu. i woke up feeling exactly the same. not so much actively miserable as just low. like i ll never ever feel happy again. cant remember where i read this- maybe on one of your blogs – but its the diff between living and being. and not stoping to the childish “my grief is bigger than yours game” (tho’ i ve been known to do that!) but i feel i dont even have friends to help me get thro it. i envy you yours. and now i feel even smaller for that.
You are enough. Just the way you are.
I had the same kind of day, sans coffee-and-penises pick-me-up, and your post made me feel like less of a wussy. Thanks for writing about the hard stuff alongside the fun stuff.
I am having this exact same kind of day. Its really refreshing to have someone put it in words for me, the way I would if I could write like you can. So, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day, but thank you. I feel for you.
The first part of your post reminded me of something from Jane Austen – your sister had sent you something regarding twenty and seven . . . the last part of your post reminded me of the movie, “You’ve got mail” I think it is a very good movie to watch when you’re feeling blue. I especially love the part where she is email “him” about her life. I will be much less poetic than the script of the movie, but she says something to the effect that she lives a small but important life. That so much of what she reads reminds her of something that she has seen and shouldn’t it be the other way . . . or some such thought. Anyway, she’s feeling depressed and just wants to send the message out into the cosmos. That’s what you post reminded me of.
However old you were when you were enough, if you felt that way once you are luckier than most. It is so much better a starting point than inadequacy.
penis, penis, PENIS, PENIS, PENIS!!! penis.
(how much more “public” than the internet can you get?! we’re here for you, grrrl.)
Cheer up soon. It will make you all the more happy when you come out of the slump!
Hope you feel better! We all have off days and it’s friends like Sarah that remind us that we are just perfect as we are!
Glad to read that most people share this feeling. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me for feeling down and upset when nothing is actually wrong. Thanks for another great post Heather
Ain’t many of us change the world in ways that’ll still be noticed when they replace that bench where we carved our name.
If you make people smile more often than you make them frown or have no effect on them, then you’re a SmileMaker.
Seems a pretty reasonable life goal to me.
another great song to play on repeat in one of these moods? “Annie” by Jonatha Brooke.
“Annie I hope things line up for you,
all in a row shiny and new…
Annie youh think the boys never play fair, tripping you up, sticking gum in your hair. Wherever you run, it’s yourself you find there….
Now they’re walking on eggshells, they’re walking on glass.
They sing hallelujah each time that you pass, someday you’ll pick yourself up off your ass
and go…”
Actually, most of her songs will do. She’s got misery-in-company-of-song down pat. Hope your day gets better and you get all the pie and friends like Sarah that you need…
It isn’t the pie that is missing…it’s the ice cream that they all overlooked. How come the ice cream never made it???
Did you mean that annoying song by James Blunt or the song by Daniel Powter about a bad day??? James Blunt has annoying songs a-plenty, but it is Daniel Whoeva who sings the bad day song. Oh-mi-gawd, I so didn’t intend this comment to make your bad days any worse. Warm winds to you babe
We all have those days, don’t we? Thank god for having good friends around to help you through them.
Man, you’re totally right. I mean stupid Daniel Powter. I should have known who sang it — I’d just downloaded it to my iPod. ;P
And I waited a day to put up the post about the bad day. So, we’re pretty much out of the woods now. Thanks
i’m totally feeling this post, cuz i’m in the same boat!
i’m getting pie with my friends all this week.
i was having a conversation with a girlfriend of mine the other night, and we were talking about why we obsess about the most trivial things…and we came to the conclusion that because at this stage in our lives, we can do our work in our sleep, and that leaves us so much time to obsess about the trivialities (in our case, this cycle, men).
Fish,
Thank you for putting words to the feelings I’ve had and haven’t been able to articulate.
Here’s to better days!
It’s days like that when you want to be ten years old again and have a “sick day” and have your mom make you soup and lay on the couch in your comfy jammies with your favorite blanket and watch movies all day long.
Dear Fish,
I think you’re fabulous. “Pity party table of one” really is a necessary call sometimes. I have been in that delicate state of near tears limbo for the past little while as well–just remember that you’re lovely.
Thank you for putting into such eloquent words exactly what I was feeling today.
– lk
If I ate every time I felt like crap, I’d weigh… oh, what I weigh now. Doh. It’s why I try not to leave the house these days… better to stick close to the fainting couch. Tomorrow, we’ll have wine treats.
well, if it makes you feel any better, consumption is actually tuberculosis, and that would be a hell of a lot worse than a day of the blues.
Next time you are down, just remember there is this girl here in Michigan who loves your writing, envies your cosmopolitan life, and wishes you a life of pie, ice cream, and chocolate covered penises-should you so desire.
I have been lurking for ages and ages and, while many of your entries have resonated with me, none have exactly described a phenomena I’ve been lacking words for like this entry. I had exactly the same kind of day yesterday and the only explanation I could find was unsexy at best- the change in barometric pressure and that was cold comfort. Your entry was much better.
thank you for writing this..that has SO been me the past weekend, into the week. I don’t feel so alone now.
In response to Ann’s comment. Sometimes we think we’re enough. But it’s perfectly fine to need someone to bring you pie. It is a strength to ask for help, not a weakness. And we all get that its not the pie, its the metaphorical pie that someone comes over to share time with you. Pet you, and support you. Thats all you wanted, all you needed. Sometimes, the pie is a bottle of wine, sometimes a magazine, the sunday paper, dvd. It’s not about what’s brought, but wgi brought it, and what they did with it. Jonathan didn’t get it. Didn’t see what you really needed.
I want someone to bring pie to.
Dude, that was totally me yesterday. Thanks for sharing.
Aw, so sweet. I hate it when people ask me “What’s wrong?” when I feel like that…I just want them to know that I need “the pie” (whatever the pie might be for that situation.)
AWWW Neil, you can bring me pie!
Oooh… back off, Stephanie. He’s bringing ME pie!
sigh – romantic ideology. gotta keep the hope alive! otherwise we just become bitter spinsters, right?
i don’t know when, but someday we will be swept off our feet…until then, we have “leftover pie”.
thanks for sharing.
There’s an interesting phenomenon called the quarter-life crisis, which I used to think was bogus and then fell victim to. From 27-29 I was moody, indecisive, felt sorry for myself all the time and cried in public quite often and for absolutely no reason. It was horrible, but it eentually passed. I could not have gotten through it without my girlfriends. I think that it was the first time in my life that I truly appreciated how incredibly lucky I am to have such good friends. That unfettered attention and non-judgmental companionship was my rock.
Some days are just a little off and all it takes is a good friend to remind you that it will get better… and there is nothing like an inappropriate conversation in public to get that started.
I completely understand. Somedays you just need someone to care about you and nothing else, to be the person that you know will always be there. The best friends always pull through.
Hate to say it, but this is the downfall of being single; not having anyone to cuddle up with and make you feel like it will be okay soon.
I recently said to someone in response to “and why are you dating him?” …. “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one your with”. And It’s nice to have someone to love, even if it’s just temporary. Girlfriends aside, and they are great, but they physical closeness is sometimes just a huge relief!
I’ve been reading your posts for a couple of months now and I just want to say that I feel like I am reading my life, if only I were eloquent enough to put it in the words that you can.
I too had a crappy day yesterday, but then I woke up, put on a tropical summer skirt, watered my flower pots on my way to work and said “it can only get better”. So hey – it’s going to be 70 degrees tomorrow and no more snow again – bring on the frozen margaritas (and some pie).
Sometimes, on those days when it’s just to much work to be OK, “pie” is the only thing that works.
I sympathize. If you dropped out of college twice in the past 5 years and made about $12,000 last year, you could be me. Only I know I’m lucky to have someone’s attention … lucky, but he still might divorce me if I don’t stop acting so pathetic. Plus my cat has green teeth. I wish I were kidding. Let’s commiserate. Pie sounds like yum.
can’t jump the tracks, we’re like cars on a cable and life’s like an hourglass glued to the table. breathe. just breathe.
i’m glad you can look a bit on the bright side. only half of your commenters have the knack.
and yes, it helps to have someone to lean on. today, as a surprise, my husband got me a deluxe massage. my feet, tired from nine months of carrying a baby, and back, really needed it.
we are not a rock. we are not an island. we need others to be our rocks. and we have to reach out and at least, at the very least, be a peninsula. (which… by the way, makes me think of the word penis… in some twisted middle school inside joke way).
“chin up”
natalie
I have been feeling like this all week as well. You are not alone. Hope it gets better for you.
I am right there with you on this post Fish. I know you probably know this, but these days do pass and they do quicker with the wonderful-ness of friends.
(remembers to thank her friends today)
Have a great day!
Muse
Hey Fish, if it were 1906, you could claim to be suffering from “The Vapors”. Of course, you’d have to say it with a Southern accent.
On a related note…I once had a female friend who would insert the word “penis” into cliche phrases to make us all laugh. Try it! Example:
“This penis too shall pass”
or
“A rolling penis stone gathers no moss”
See? It works!
Awww…Fishy. Do you have an Amazon Wish List?? I would love to send you a “feel better” prezzie!
Yes! I do! And, really, far be it from me to stop you from buying me a present. hee.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/20M4N1Y4UQZ7I
This Fish has the vapors!
Aww Fish, I’m sorry to hear about your bad day, but I totally feel for you as I had about two weeks of just feeling down right miserable under the surface, without anyone there to give me that attention I needed…. until the night I had a breakdown and the last person I expected to get that all I needed was undivided attention and comfort was the 1st one at my side…. to feeling better & to less of those sucky days! and more random yellings of PENIS and other words that should be quietly spoken… heh. Take care dear…
Did you just break up with someone, Fish?
thank you for sharing that. on my slump days i want a bottle of red zin and a dvd brought to me. sometimes he gets it right and sometimes he doesn’t but my roommate is always there for me no matter what.
Aww ladies, no need to fight over me. Plenty of PuckPie to go around.
A la mode of course
Fish, have I told you lately that I love you? Have I told you, there’s no one else above you….
be my brave soldier heather. my brave soldier in the hall
hee. man, good times, joyce. but then, body piercing days are usually good.
AWWW Fish, you get the pie and the serenade….what’s your secret?
Just a small gramatically correction…it’s not “penises” it’s “penes” Yeah, say that out loud, like “pee-knees” a few times and it’ll certainly bring a smile to your face!
hey fish — sorry to read that you’re blue! I hate days such as these and there’s nothing you can do to turn off the water works…sucks that we have to go to work on top of it all!
I too am in that funk > haven’t blogged anything substantial in a couple of days, either…instead choosing to watch the Lethal Weapons 1-4 and be enthralled with Mel’s hair.
It’ll pass. It always does. And I’m sure that, when we’re all happily with some partner, these spells’ll manifest themselves in some other way. WE CAN NEVER RUN AWAY FAST ENOUGH!
am off for a good cry. ekh.
maha
I am right there with you, Fish. In fact, I’m off to my sister’s house so she can pet my head and feed me pie.
I wish my sisters were closer. I NEED them.
Thus I just spent my tax return on a plane ticket to go see some of them in two weeks.
some days are just like that.
accept their minor or major misery, it is ok. (it is like enjoying the pensive greyness of a wet day.)
being happy all the time is a certifiable condition.
and we all love you.
big hug.
fun little story
Whenever you write one of these posts, there are always a number of people who chime in “I felt that way today, too” which makes me wonder if one of three things is true:
1) A certain percentage of people are unhappy on any given day – not chronically, but that day.
2) There is something atmospheric – like they say about the moon, only this is barometric pressure or something – that affects everyone’s mood at once.
3) You’ve created what seems like an impossibility: a webring of women with similar cycles.
Now *there’s* a research study: Is it possible for women to match cycles, even though there is no physical proximity?
And yes, I know you didn’t mention your period and I’m not trying to say this is the cause. It was just an interesting phenomenon that occurred to me.
Be well, Fish.
i dont feel sad, i JUST WANT PIE!!!
damn u fish, you made me hungry!
hey fish, where have u been? am going cold turkey with no posts! ps as a novice wet-behind-the-ears-yet to-start blogging blogger, any advice where can i start? thanks…and come back soon! all’s forgiven!
That’s the great thing about friends. They make you feel as fabulous as you really are, even when you forget.
i’m right there with you. having one of those weeks where all you want to do is call in sick, stay in bed and watch awesomely bad movies. popcorn, anyone….
hey fish,
maybe today it will be enough. Being alive, pretty and smart in NY with caring friends and a catmate is a lot. Life is to good to be living in the future, or in the past while thinking when would be enough. Now is enough.
kiss.
The Fly â William Blake
Little fly,
Thy summerâs play
My thoughtless hand
Has brushed away.
Am not I
A fly like thee?
Or art not thou
A man like me?
For I dance
And drink and sing,
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
If thought is life
And strength and breath,
And the want
Of thought is death,
Then am I
A happy fly,
If I live,
Or if I die.
â
âWhat disturbs and depresses young people is the hunt for happiness on the firm assumption that it must be met with in life. From this arises constantly deluded hope and so also dissatisfaction. Deceptive images of a vague happiness hover before us in our dreams ⦠and we search in vain for their original ⦠Much would have been gained if through timely advice and instruction young people could have had eradicated from their minds the erroneous notion that the world has a great deal to offer them.â â Arthur Schopenhauer
Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel
as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life? â The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Come away, O human child!
to the waters and the wild
with a faery, hand in hand,
for the worldâs more full of weeping
than you can understand⦠â W. B. Yeats
Iâve lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all thatâs left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust. â – â -Aleksandr Pushkin
âI do indeed know what morbid compulsion feels like. Fungus, erosion, disease. The taste of flannel in your mouth. The smell of asbestos in your brain. A rock. A sinking heart, silence, taut limbs, a festering invasion from within, seeping subversion, and a dull pressure on the brow, and in the back regions of the skull. It starts like a fleeting whim, an airy, frivolous notion, but it doesnât go; it stays; it sticks. . .It foreshadows no joyâand takes charge, and you might just as well hang your head and drop your eyes and give right in. You might just
Why is it when we need help the most, it is the hardest time to ask for it? So we ask for something little, like the pie, in hopes of getting the whole pie shop? I’m the same way.
Its funny how knowing someone feels as crapy as I do it gives me hope for feeling uncrappy. I like the post of “This too shall pass”. My finances are shot my car needs snow tires i have to bum rides to work because my car wont make it in the snow but all my money goes to carpayments and insurance bla blah child visitation court,lawyers need to be paid, dont make enough money, kids need to be picked up and dropped off for school, boyfriend is a liar and sneek…This to shall pass gives me hope thanks I feel better. Believe it or not Im usually a happy person.