“No way.”
“What?”
“I’d say, ‘don’t be obvious’,’ but she deserves it. Look to your left.”
And one by one, my brother, his girlfriend, my sisters and my father turned to have a look for themselves. As the waiter served her dessert, a well-dressed, middle aged woman at the next table had yanked out a yard of string and sat flossing her teeth. We stared in horror as she sucked at her front teeth and flossed away as though there nothing more appropriate for her to be doing in a nice restaurant than going about her dental hygiene routine.
When I say nice, I mean, it wasn’t swanky, but there were linen napkins and a fairly large bill – things which usually keep public flossers and nosepickers at home. It was the kind of place where you wear nice clothes, bring your tables manners… and leave your floss behind. Or at least in your purse until you’re in the privacy of the bathroom.
I was bewildered. Even more bewildered that no one else in the restaurant seemed to notice or care.
“Isn’t there something you can do about this?â€ù
My brother laughed, and shook his head indicating that no, he couldn’t arrest her for having atrocious manners. I stared at the woman some more and frowned. This was criminal! Fat lot of good having a cop in the family was doing me, though. I could only hope her car registration had expired. Boy, then she’d be sorry.
As we drove home from the restaurant, a nervous flutter leapt into my stomach as we made a right at a red light without so much as a pause. Another reminder that I was far, far from New York. I got yet another reminder later that week as my sister and I walked through the campus bookstore. We browed and talked and laughed and more than once, I found myself the object of a turned head and a sideways glance.
In Utah, you can make a right on red. You can floss your teeth in public and not turn a single head. But you had better bite your tongue. And under no circumstances, when surrounded by the righteous, can you ever suggest that the Almighty’s middle name is the f-word.
They really hate that shit.
Ugh.
I once saw a girl pull out a strand of her own hair and floss her sister’s teeth. It was in Boston, naturally.
HAHAHA. Liar!
Like how you lied when you said you’d love me and we’d be together forever??
The hair-as-floss thing was much more emotionally damaging, though.
Yes, they do. That’s why I *love* swearing.
Not all ppl in Utah are like that, i’m in a room full of ppl who aren’t actually. But, yes rights on red are nice and i can say the ‘f’ word in certain places, just depends on the ppl you’re around
Wait. That’s NOT his middle name?
Man. My kindergartner is going to be SO disappointed.
When my dad was mad, he always said, “Jesus H Christ!” Asking him what the H stood for was almost always a bad idea.
I am personally horrified that there is no law prohibiting flossing in public. But then I’ve never even considered flossing in front of complete strangers an option. Sometimes even people armed with toothpicks can cross the line of good behavior
I was in a rather upscale restaurant in Garden City two weeks ago and a father (!) of a young son decided to play table hockey with sugar packets! One landed at a curmudgeon’s table and one landed on ours. Thankfully, the curmudgeon’s look ended the Stanley Cup of Seventh Street Cafe just in time for me to enjoy dessert.
How about clipping your fingernails in a restaurant? Seen it. Big fat man (at least 350) apparently more concerned with well manincured nails than decorum……. or a svelt mid-section. I was waiting for the shoes to come off and him to go to town…. food came, never happened. Too bad. Disgusting, yes, but would have been funny and made for even better story.
Hello! It’s my first visit to your blog and I’m enjoying it very much. I’ve had my share of observing strange behavior but I can’t believe no one approached the woman and told her about the flossing. Chris’story about clipping your fingernails is even worse!
In 1985 at a resort on Seabrook Island SC a 40ish man sat on the edge of the private pool and clipped his toenails into the deep end.
LOL, that was just so disgusting!
hahahahahaha.
Better watch those Mormons. They’ll cut you.
Perfect last line…”they hate that shit.”…hehehehe
Oh… I laugh because I’ve seen in in my very own restaurant.
People’s habits are frightening.
Hey! It was great meeting you last night. I linked you to my site.
I hope all is well.
Take care,
Mark
Dear Fish…reminds me of a trip I took to Salt Lake a few years back. I encountered more than a few sideways glances. I think my skirt was too short, and my hair was not nearly tall enough!
Ciao,
WOW, unbelievable!
…and here I thought you’d say you were in Texas ; )
reminds me of a story my friend told me about a NYC subway experience. horrors of bad manners happen everywhere!
this guy was clipping his nails onto his briefcase. not only did he keep his clippings, but he also would pick them up, study them, but he also PUT THEM IN HIS MOUTH.
so disturbing.
Heather, you and I just met at TequilaCon in NYC – I had heard your name was Heather but no one mentioned your blog to me until you left. I am so disappointed that I did not have the occasion to personally tell you how much I enjoy your writing.
Heather, it was lovely to meet you on saturday…I was a bit awe-struck.
Flossing in public? Revolting! I would rather hear loud cursing any day of the week.
my in-laws live in SLC. it’s always interesting to go there. all of the sudden, even in the heat of summer, i see girls with their shoulders and midriffs covered! it’s hard to find a decent coffee joint. liquor store? never heard of it.
but it’s clean. it’s pretty. and the weather is generally great. other than not-swearing the people are some of the nicest you’ll ever meet.
i’d take that over big city and brash every other day
natalie
On the subject of grossly inappropriate: I once went out with a business associate of mine (a superior in the organization) and as my car was closer, I offered to drive. He accepted, and then as we drove off, proceeded to begin to clip his fingernails IN MY CAR! And he didn’t have one of those nice clippers that catch the clippings…. GROSS. I should add he was a Mormon.
As an ex-Mormon and ex-sister-in-law to a UT Mormon, I have to say that was HILARIOUS! Utah Mormons are very strange people. Even Non-Utah Mormons find them strange. And just a little bit disturbing.
Hello, you are a lovely young woman, and a very talented writer. But your last paragraph prompted my first ever response to a blog.
It’s sad that you, and so many women it seems, do not realize that loads of people right here in Manhattan find swearing (and that phrase in particular) offensive- especially by attractive, articulate young women. Plenty of men and women, none of us “righteous” or prudes- love living in this great city, but want to raise our children to have manners, choose nice friends, and respect others. My mother often tells me how “in her day”, if a man accidently swore in front of a woman, if she was a “nice girl” he would be embarrassed and apologize. My son, age 6, recently overheard your phrase for the first time, spoken by the adorable teenaged daughter of a friend, whom he loves. I must be honest and tell you I definitely would’ve given you more than a sideways glance if I’d heard you use that phrase with no regard for who could hear you. I may have asked you to apologize to my son.
what does the H in Jesus H Christ stand for? I never knew.
Anyways, that’s just rude an inconsiderate. They give toothpicks at restaurants for a more subtle way to get chicken out of teeth.
I once saw a woman filing her nails in the middle of Easter mass. gross!
but speaking of things you should never do in a restaurant… when a waiter serves yummy, greasy potato skins, he shuold not say “i’ll put this in front of you cause you’re the fatter one.” All 5’3, 110 pounds of me was enraged! Who says that when they’re giving a girl greasy food!!?! His tip should’ve been a kick in the pants.