I am nothing if not glamorous.
It is true. And in light of our fab-obsessed culture, I have decided to illustrate for you just how the glam-mer half lives – by making a list of the super-fabulous things I did before noon today alone that qualify me for my own reality TV program, narrated by Robin Leach (or some other classy sounding British dude).
My Glamorous Morning
7:12 a.m. Stepped in cat vomit.
7:14 a.m. Cleaned up cat vomit. While bending over cleaning, got cat vomit in my glamorously long hair. Swish! Gasp! Puke!
8:16 a.m. Retrieved favorite black sweater from laundry basket (having been way too glamorous to do laundry this weekend). Shook it out. Wore it. For like, the ninth time. Glam alert!
9:31 a.m. Sniffed milk, decided it was questionable. Poured it into coffee.
10:50 a.m. Found an unwrapped piece of gum in the bottom of my purse. And ate it.
I should really stop there. I don’t want you all thinking I’m unapproachable, or that my lifestyle is unattainable to the common man. It’s not! Even I had years of training – and from the most unlikely of sources. My own baby sister used to eat dried worms off the sidewalk.
Wow. And mine just let me drink vodka.
One morning (6 a.m. or so) I stepped out (barefooted, of course) on the back porch to feed my cats and put my foot directly in a pile of cat poo…you’re right, dealing with feline excretory fluids is surely the way to start a glam day.
Liza, I think you must mean babysitter — instead of baby sister. Cause that’d be one hooked up toddler!
definitely warrants a television show- with a follow up record deal and doll series. Fabulously Fish.
The combination of hi/lo culture that is the Fish is what gives her the je ne sais quoi-ness that everyone loves.
Fish’s sister ate worms?
For some odd reason, that makes total sense!
Heather, from one big sis to another, I think you told her they were gummy worms!
As for the glam lifestyle, I think that’s really how the glam ones live, only they call the cat puke in the hair the latest in hair treatments and the sweater from the hamper (which we ALL have done) laundry girl chic!
I like your day’s events better than mine. I’d rather clean up cat puke than take my baby to the emergency room.
But anyway, you need a dog – the minute my cat shows any signs of puking, the dog is THERE. No cleanup required. For a while it really grossed me out (still does) but now I turn a blind eye and revel in the fact that I don’t have to get my hair in it!
Oh man, I should stop calling my laundry basket “laundry basket” and call it “basket of clothes to wear again and again”.
haha this post was so hilarious! as if people here at work don’t think I’m crazy enough without hearing me laugh, by myself, in my office… but anyways, I thought I was the only one who lived such a glam lifestyle and deserved their own TV show. But I must say I’ve got one that beats you out for being so super cool you need your own reality show…
Last week I decided I wanted a piece of chocolate from one of the large glass candy jars I have. So I’m standing in front of my boyfriend, blabbing away while holding the jar at chest level not paying too much attention and WHACK! I hit myself square in the chin with the lid from the candy jar. Not only did it happen but I had a bruise on my chin for about 3 days to prove it… don’t be jealous, we can’t all be this cool. heh…
you’re kidding about your kid sister, right? that’s pretty gnarly.
you had me at the correct spelling of glamorous.
I painted my bathroom last night and b/c I couldn’t shower off, I just put socks on my paint-spattered feet and went to bed. Cheers!
1. You might want to consider a trim.
2. If you get skurvy, I’m not nursing you back to health.
Ah yes…I guess the babysitter’s vodka is still in my system. I admit I thought it odd that your parents would entrust your care into the arms of someone with such strange gustatory habits. May my drunken reading habits be gone…..
Yes, definately a glamorous morning. I should only hope, that your other mornings are as glamorous as well.
Minus the cat puke though
You’re moving in pretty refined circles with that “laundry basket chic” look. I know someone who is closely related to the Queen (of England, not Freddie Mercury) who always wore that style at university. It only got a bit much when he turned up in the bar one night wearing a green rugby shirt…a white rugby shirt that had turned green at the bottom of the laundry basket, to be precise.
I truly thought I was the only one to chance using iffy milk. I am so relieved to know that I’m not! Seriously, I feel like the world is a smaller, friendlier place knowing that I am not alone in that gross habit.
Wow, this brought back some memories. At a tender age of four, I used to pick up worms off the sidewalk (live ones, not the dry kind), put them in my pocket and lay them out on the pillow next to me at nap time (by then, some of them would be dead, actually, thouh that didn’t stop me from making them my napmates). Up till now, thought I was the only one quirky enough to do this. Feel slightly more justified (and less fcked up) now.
My doppelganger!
you know what always surprises me about stepping in cat vomit? how COLD it is. isn’t that gross? i mean, i guess it would be worse if it were warm, but the coldness always gets me. gag.
Sounds very glam! Hilarious post.
It’s finally good to know that I’m not the only one and that there are plenty of you all out there who have mornings like mine.
There is no better way to start the day than by rifling through the laundry basket looking for that favourite shirt, only to latter discover that the only bra that goes with it is also at the bottom of the basket as well.
It’s nice to know that this does make me truely glamorous.
So, here I am reading this over my breakfast (2 day old chocolate croissant that my boyfriend graciously let me have (it was really suppose to be his) and coffee) and all I can think is “Eww”. Of course, I guess that’s the point you’re trying to make?
It’s okay though. I still remain a devoted reader because you are real! And not at all pretentious! I think that everyone is guilty of being ultra glamorous at some point in their life. My Christmas break, I didn’t shower for the WHOLE (3 day) weekend. Man it was nice!
No need to clean up–my cats eat what they leave. Really.
I’m getting naseous just thinking about the cat vomit, but I think the vomit’s gotta be better than cat urine. I had (ex has him now) a cat that suffered from separation anxiety and peed on furniture whenever he’d get upset. There’s no getting urine out…. it’s like herpes…. it never goes away(not that I would know anything about that LOL). I can’t even tell you how many cushions I had to replace. Finally, Tookies (pronounced two-keys) had to be put on kitty Prozac, or I should say about a half dozen variations of Prozac until we found one that helped him….. poor thing. He’s much better now, but still has an occassional lapse. Anyway, give a choice, I’d take the vomit.
This is hilarious! And I think you are glamourous despite all this…
And you get queasy from a little public flossing? Come on now, have a little perspective…
Precious. Reminds me of the time my dog got diarrhea on my bed at 3 a.m. Some days it is just better to stay in bed and hide.
Again, she puts the ASS in Clas.
See in the south, none of this is sarcastic. This is like when my wife and I argue about what beer koozies to put out for the guests.
In my glam life my husband and I went on vaca last week and returned to a horrid smell coming from our fridge….last night (uh yeah I dealt with it for a day since I got home Saturday night) I cleaned out the fridge and much to my suprise I found out what way way to old bacon looks like. EWWWW
But you cleaned the cat vomit right? RIGHT?
What kind of cat do you have?
HolyMama, when you wake up to the wonderful retching sounds, the vomit you clean up isn’t cold yet. That truly does not make it better.
Fish, I’m glad to know that all New York women are not living the Sex in the City lifestyle. It reminds the rest of us that life is its quotidian sameness even in the fancy city.
Reading about how ‘glam’ your life is made me both smile and cry. Sometimes you just have those bad days that make you feel pathetic, and it’s good to know others have them too.
As a kid I used to eat tree bark because one of my neighbors told me it was chicken. It’s amazing the things children will put in their mouths. Actually it’s amazing some of the things adults put in their mouths too.