Heather: Which circle of hell do you think the airport after an ice storm would be?
Neil: Are we using Dante or Milton?
Heather: Dante, please. Much cheerier.
Neil: Third. Definitely third.
Every thirty minutes or so over a space of five hours, my phone buzzed with an update from the airline. Surprise! Your flight has been delayed! Again. On Thursday night, the American Airlines terminal was a mess of frustrated travelers, all suffering to some degree from close quarters and unpalatable, heat-lamped dinners. Seating had run out hours before I arrived, so I lowered myself down onto a water-stained patch of industrial carpeting and waited and watched.
For a while, I amused myself with an older gentlemen doing speed-walking laps around the terminal, pausing each time at gate 10 to check the time on his black wristwatch. Clearly, a seasoned mall-walker. I followed a herd of hopeful standby passengers as they moved from desk to desk, heeding the call of gate changes. He was trying to make his brother’s wedding in Austin, she was trying to make a job interview in Nashville, and he was on his way to Dallas to propose. Without tickets in their hands, they eyed the ticket agent with looks that seemed to beg and threaten at the same time.
Then there were the outright threats.
We were milling around, waiting for boarding to begin when I heard a loud voice.
“If we don’t get on this plane, I’m gonna kill everyone here!”
No one had any fear he actually meant it, but I’m pretty sure most of us were hoping he’d get tasered just the same. Who wants to get stuck next to that guy on a plane? There was no telling how long he’d been drinking. But as the kid (he was maybe twenty-two) approached me, a beer sloshing around in each hand, yammering about how he and his military friends were trying to get to Dallas, I could smell the hours spent in the company of Sam Adams. He asked my name, and when I didn’t answer, he leaned closer. As he did, I put two fingers in the middle of his chest.
“You’re drunk, and I have no desire to wear your beer, ” I said, pushing gently. “Take five steps back.”
Dander up and pride hurt, he launched into another series of threats, aimed mostly at me. Threats which were overheard by the ticket agent. I lost track of him as we began to board. Knowing full well that military personnel are given preference in standby situations, I smiled smugly from seat 17A as I watched his two buddies inch their way down the aisle of the plane, followed by the fellow on his way to the Austin wedding.
God, I love justice.
Ha, I love that you told him to “take five steps back.”
You’re more of a lady than I!
Karma is sweet.
good for you! liquor+bully+stupidity+too much testosterone=nightmare
Damn girl, you work well under pressure. Or you’ve just handled wayyy too many drunk men in your face. Or both.
Jerks can suck it, good for you!
what and asshat.
Can I just say? NICE! You. Are. Awesome.
I love what you told him. “You’re drunk, and I have no desire to wear your beer.” Brilliant! I need to think of things like that on the fly.
Wow! 9 out of 10 times people get away with sh*t. I say that as I’d been traveling almost every week for 6 years in my career till now.
I was flying back from the Phoenix Marathon once, and while waiting in line with several behind me to board Southwest, a ditzy girl cut me off when I bent down in pain to get my bag. I asked her about it, and her bf replied snidely. Turned out he was a Chicago PD officer.
Anyway, I was none more prouder than the day I flew back from Lake Tahoe. I arrived late due to my fault, so my ski bags would arrive in Chitown on the final flight after mine. I went to customer service, and apparently it was a bad night for people from LA. While I waited, the guy in front of me was being rude to the person helping him. I was overjoyed when I was comped the $37 delivery fee after I stood up for the other customer service rep and told him, “You’re an ass for calling her a bitch.” He was sent to the back of the long line where security took him away later presumably for verbal assault. =)
Sorry – I have seen too much bs from the airlines to feel sorry for any airline worker or other passengers who accept the abuse they dole out. Ever hear of the passenger’s bill of rights that will be introduced to the House?? There’s a reason for it.
This used to be an interesting blog. No more. Thanks for the lists – just thrilling. This blog just comes off as arrogant and self-righteous. See ya’.
I always think of the perfect retort five minutes past the time I need it. Good for you!
While in line at Starbs at the mall last weekend, a group of teenage girls kept letting their school friends cut in front of us. Finally, I called two of them out and told them to get in the back of the line, but not before 3 others had already joined (the lady behind me thanked me, the man in front of me smiled at me). But the vindication came while we were waiting for our drinks, and teen pack stood there complaining about the fact that their Venti, Double-Whip, 12-pump Frappo-ice-o-chino-lattes were taking so long, while the rest of us received our grown-up drinks first.
I hate being stuck at places like airports – everyone wants to be your pal for no particular reason other than the fact that you are suffering together. Comaraderie is all well and good until you get the close-beer-talkers!
That was really good! I am impressed.
I’m not sure what I would have done in that situation, but you handled it very well.
There was a reality show on for a while that showcased a smallish airline’s staff dealing with problem travelers. The ‘too drunk to fly’ scenario pretty much dominated the show.