The squeal of the subway ripped through my ears and sent a shiver down my spine. I pushed my earphones in deeper and turned the music up, but it was no use; the city wouldn’t be drowned out. With the crush of foot traffic I plunged into the subway car, tearing at my striped scarf as a quick, burning panic spread up my chest and across my face.
Flying into New York the night before, the sight of the city below, blinking and sequined against the dark, had taken my breath away. And only ten hours later I found myself feeling breathless again, only this time, desperate to get out.
Four days of sharing my immediate space with no one I didn’t choose to, of getting where I was going at my own pace, of the sounds of morning traffic outside my window being replaced by birds and the flutter of wind playing against the blinds – I felt like I’d been cured of something I didn’t know I was suffering from.
“It’s so quiet here,” I’d said, almost reverently, before giving in to my Saturday morning stupor.
Maybe I’ve stopped thriving on chaos as much as I did when I first moved here, because in the last six months or so, returning to New York has felt as much of a burden as a relief. I’m constantly aware of the noise and the filth and other people touching me. Elevators, subway cars, the line at the deli. There are some moments when I love the pulsing energy of city madness – moments when I can’t imagine not loving it. But days like today, when the noise is confounding, and the constant brush of a stranger’s bag against my leg as the train rocks down the tracks makes me clench my fists in my coat pockets, I feel caged and weary.
There’s a lease renewal form on my desk that I have to sign soon. I’ll sign it, of course, because not signing it would mean so many things I can’t even grasp. So, I’ll sign. Because, after all, even when it’s most unbearable, the devil I know is a far sight more accommodating than the one I don’t.
I’ve lived here all of two months and I feel the exact same way.
how many years does it take of living in NYC to get sick of it?
ooo! First time I post, I’m the first to post! I understand about the noise getting to you. I can hear a motor miles away when I am hiking in the hills, and it bugs me more than a bus roaring by in the city. Is it an age thing?
How true that is… The devil you know is more bearable than the devil you don’t. =)
I was going to suggest this a long time ago, but not sure why I didn’t leave a comment then. Look into the consumer line of Shure earphones. These noise blocking earphones are far superior than any of those noise canceling ones. They work so much better than the Bose QC2 I used to have, especially on plane rides. And they work wonders for me on the Chicago El trains. They are tiny and not bulky, and the wires hide neatly behind your ears and can go under your coat. Buy them from Amazon where they are far cheaper than brick and mortar stores.
As for the touching and bumping, well I’m still learning to get used to that.
I hear you on this but sometimes I think we need to listen to ourselves when we get those feelings of enough. We get stuck in what’s comfortable and maybe cheat ourselves out of something that would be wonderful. For me it’s not being able to move past a relationship that long since should have been gone. It’s the missing of what might have been that is holding me . So the devil you know rang a cord in me but I know there is something better out there. I just got to be brave enough to go find it.
I don’t want you to move but you should take a look at what you’re trying to tell yourself. Take a chance. Have an adventure. Make a memory.
Hope you feel better soon.
yeah, I understand the feeling since I live in Buenos Aires, with its 14 million inhabitants.
Don´t you feel like cattle at times? I sure do when I´m trying to catch the subway at rush hour lol
I think city life has that inherent ambiguity about it: we love it and hate it at the same time. I´d say you should do something inherently NewYorkish this week and remember why you don´t want to live anywhere else.
Move to Brooklyn! Seriously. You’ll still be in New York, close to friends and jobs. But there are lots of places in Brooklyn where you get open sky, a backyard, and more space. I’ll put in a plug for my neighborhood, Fort Greene, where I live in an old brownstone apartment on a street with big old oak trees next to the green hills of Fort Greene Park. There’s a farmer’s market, a bodega with gorgeous flowers, and a Target only six blocks away. When I worked on Wall Street, I’d come home to Brooklyn and my heart would just open up.
Amen Sister.
Beautifully written!
Sign the renewal. It’s only a one-year commitment, right? Then give yourself that year to explore options and make decisions. You have friends and family all over the country to be support systems if you do relocate. And you can always sublet if a great opportunity comes along while your lease is still in force.
NYC has the most incredible, magical ability to be exactly the kind of city you need.
For me it was the smallest of small towns (dry cleaners that know your name, the bodega guy who knows to tease about your hangover when you get bacon, egg and cheese on a roll instead of just coffee, a favorite restaurant steps from your door). So easy to be by myself when I wanted, even in the middle of millions of people.
I used to live at 85th between 2nd/3rd. A couple of blocks in either direction and you’ve got air and space and green.
Hopefully when the weather warms up, it’ll feel more like you have options.
Whatever you choose, I’m sure it’ll be right for you.
Then, why choose to live with the devil?
You said exactly what I’ve been thinking! I love the city and I hate it. Lately those minor annoyances have been overwhelming and have outweighed the good. But does that mean it’s time to move? It’s such a hard decision to stay or go because it is great and awful at the same time!
I’ve been ready to leave the SF Bay Area for about four years – I even left it for Boston for about three months — but leaving it, leaving the traffic I hate, the streets that frustrate me and the irritation with my suburban town, would also mean leaving my friends, my family, my newly started career. There are days I can’t wait to get out of here and moments when I can’t possibly imagine ever leaving.
So, even though it’s not NYC, I feel your pain!
This is my first post but I had to comment. I moved to the midwest eight months ago (from the NYC area) in search of open space. I was overworked, overtired and was having way too many of those unbearable moments you so eloquently speak of.
What I have found is that I was running from the very thing I thrived upon. The quiet is brilliant but only for a time. Then you realize how caged and weary you still feel one you get outside the chaos. If I were you I would sign that lease renewal and maybe take an extended vacation. I miss that devil dearly!
For the 2 years I lived in NY I grew immensely as a woman and as a human being. To say it is an amazing place is an understatement. Even with friends and family in the area, not to mention millions of city dwellers, there were days that I felt so completely alone. And there were days that the “only in NY” moments reminded me of just why I made the risk and relocated in the first place. Of course whatever you decide is going to be what is best for you, but if you do stay, there are countless individuals like myself who will continue to live vicariously through your experiences in the city that never ceases to amaze you.
I can’t wait to get to know the devil I don’t know!
Caged and weary. I know that feeling all too well. I’m just sorry we do.
i completely understand exactly what you mean…
rental availability is at an all time low. only about 1% of the apartments are available for rent at a given moment… why does this matter? breaking your lease is a piece of cake… you arent stuck.
and sometimes knowing you arent stuck is all it takes to fall back in love with it…
“I’d come home to Brooklyn and my heart would just open up..” That’s exactly how I feel about my sunny Peninsula town just outside of the teeming masses (and fog) of San Francisco. I wish I’d moved here 20 years ago instead of 6. Living just outside of a mecca is a wonderful thing. Try it!