Lest it appear that only men earn the label of Emotional Cripple Extraordinaire, I have, to my own shame, committed a few of my own dumbass dating stunts.
A few years ago, when I first moved to the city, I went on a blind date. It went about as perfectly as a blind date can go, and I remember coming home tipsy and giddy with possibility. But being embroiled in what would become a three-year disastrous, ultimately regrettable relationship, I was in precisely the wrong place to be having giddily-perfect dates. So I did everything wrong. I got nervous and edgy and stopped responding to his emails.
Worse yet, I made him think it was his fault.
The kicker was, I actually liked the guy, but, in a state of emotional cripplehood, I handled the liking (and my fear of it) very poorly. But because I’m wired the way I am, my bad behavior pricked at my conscience. And pricked. And pricked. Until one day, unable to ignore it anymore, I sat down and wrote the following email.
Jason,
A few months ago, I gave an interview for some paper here in the city, and one of the questions the reporter asked me was, “Have you ever gone out with one of your readers?” My answer was, “Once.” At least, that’s the part that appeared in the article. The part the reporter was kind enough to leave out was where I said, “And I was a complete asshole to him.” I’ve been thinking about ever it since. Anyway, listen, I don’t even know how it’s going to seem getting this email almost a year later. Even right now, I’m heavily debating about whether I’ll actually press send. But I just wanted to say, I know I was a complete asshole. And I’m sorry.
I hope all is well.
Heather
Writing the email served as a much-needed catharsis. So much so, that after a few days had passed, I forgot about it entirely. The surprise of seeing his response in my inbox a week later made my stomach knot. What if he gave me the cold shoulder I deserved? I clicked on the message, with my breath caught in my throat.
Heather,
It’s really kind of you to go out of your way to apologize like that. It’s touching, really. I can think of a couple of people I should have written similar letters to, but never worked up the gumption to do it. However, you really shouldn’t think twice about it. Meeting people and dating is messy business. I think by the time you’re our age, you build up a thick skin to protect yourself from the bumps and bruises you’ll get along the way.
In any case, I’m still happy with the fact we got one pretty good date in before all of the rest of it happened.
I hope you are doing well also.
Thanks again,
Jason
I closed the email without replying, realizing that all that needed to be said, had been, and got on with life. The lesson had been learned months before, but the – dare I say – closure only came with forgiveness. It is not in my character to be cruel, or even careless with people, but I slip. Because I’m human and totally, wretchedly flawed. But it’s nice to know that when I do, my own ugly lack of grace won’t necessarily be mirrored back at me.
“Cripplehood” is the greatest word I’ve heard in a while. It sounds made up, but could possibly be a real word. It’s a fantastic discover, like finding an unopened Snickers in your desk. And it’s good to listen to your conscience. It talks more than Oprah and Barbara Walters if they were cattle auctioneers. I know I have **** on my conscience that is almost old enough to drink without a fake ID. You’ve got grace, kid.
Oh, the cripplehood! We should all muster the guts to write those emails.
This is one of my favourite posts. Good for you for actually writing The Letter. I think of doing something similar then distract myself with cleaning out my fridge. My fridge is spotless but my conscience is not. Maybe this is the push I needed.
This is the first time I’ve read your blog in a while. I got hooked on it a few months ago and thought it was enlightening to hear the inner-workings of what women think about dating and men (kind of like being Mel Gibson in that movie a few years back). But then all the blog entries started being about your Mom and dreams and whatnot, and the comments were just random “You go girl” posts (nothing enlightening to help a guy learning about women). It’s nice to see you back on the dating path and looking for your bicycle. Maybe I’ll get the chance to peer into the inner-thoughts of women once again?
Oh – and it was a cool email you sent that guy. I hear so much male-bashing from girls (and YES, we do deserve it) that its nice to see that us men aren’t the only ones knocking our heads on the wall for past mistakes.
Sure would be nice. He handled it with grace too, I have to say.
Fish, I had a similar dating disaster. I too sent him an apology letter…after a quick consultation from whitepages.com. Thanks for the post…I was reading and gasping and going, “ME TOO!” Here’s to future civility in relationships and wonderful people who reciprocate apologies…
Been reading this blog for about a year now and this is the first time I’ve ever commented but this one hits close to home. Just last week I wrote an email pretty much the same as yours to an ex who I dated for about 4 months and was really a jerk to in the end, mostly because I was all screwed up at the time. And I got a reply very similar to yours. Its amazing how much better you feel when you just say I’m sorry.
I know exactly what you mean. I did a similar thing, dated a guy a few times and I don’t if i was scared or what my problem was but I dumped him because he didn’t call me enough?
How stupid, I really liked him, we got along great. I don’t like a guy to smother me. I have a very busy life so a little distance is a good thing.
But right before Christmas, I sent him a snotty email. I was really an asshole and I’ve been feeling bad about it so I sent him an email about two weeks ago, apologizing for the way I handled it. He thanked me and then asked if he could see me. We’ve started dating again. I’m happy and scared at the same time. I’ve been divorced a long time but I think he is perfect for me!
If only more people were like you and could admit their wrongs. Good for you, you must have said just the right thing, because his response sure was sweet.
-Alison of http://www.mables.com/blog
It does sound like that could have been a lot worse. Congratulations on the relatively soft landing.
this city…and the men in it…give enough material that even Faulkner would be proud.
keep on being cool. It’s all we can do.
it makes me wonder why we fumble like this, even when we actually like a person? is it because timing is off; the chemistry is not quite there; self-sabotaging impulses; or some combination of the above? or maybe it’s just that sometimes things arent quite meant to be.
in any event, nice email to him and his response was very gracious.
This should be in your list of favorite posts. I’ve been reading your blog for months and this is on par with the earlier posts that made me link to you. Bravo.
Well done for writing that email, and kudos to him for appreciating your effort. I had to apologise to somebody once, via email, and he was very sincere and gallant in his forgiveness. Still haven’t quite managed to forgive myself and achieve the elusive closure that I need but I guess time will heal. He seems to have forgiven and forgotten and that was my intention with apologising in the first place.
My vocabulary has dramatically improved since reading your blogs. Thank You
Well that turned out nicely! Writing that took courage, so good for you.
is Jason single? lol
Good for you…I hope I can find the courage to apologize to someone I wasn’t very nice to. Jason sounds like a nice guy to accept your apology so graciously.
Good luck!
I dated a guy once who was great at email but bad in person. A few months ago, in good faith I invited him to a party. When he wrote back he lashed out at me for my nerve in inviting him when I hadn’t continued to date him. The lesson here is, some people are more sensitive than others when it comes to dating and e-mail.
Wow – you guys both handled that really well. I’m impressed. I could definitely learn a thing or two from you
I’m with Maggie. You were lucky, Fish, that you got a gracious response to your gracious email. About a year ago, I sent a similar message to a guy to whom I was horrible when we broke up, all to have him dismiss my gesture by asking, “Do you know how many people do this every day?”
I admire you for having that kind of courage. Most people simply try to forget and move on. Sometimes it just seems easier to let someone else take the blame. But as the saying goes, honesty is the best policy. Good for you!
Hey Heather,
Just wanted to say that your blog archives have kept me busy for a few weeks at work. I think you are an excellent writer, and I have never been so hooked on a blog. I figured after reading about your life for a few weeks, and now that I am finally up to date, I should comment to say thanks! And you have a new dedicated reader!
Humans suck, wahatta gonna do? I’ve been on both sides in this sort of drama and handled it with much less grace.
I used to worry that the next time it happened I end up in a “perfect storm” situation, where my whirlpool of insecurity crashes into her vortex of doubt creating a self-sustaining death spiral. The sort of situation where the “Sorry” email ends up coming from prison or a psych-ward.
Fortunatly I’m much more mature and stable now.
Heather- I have been down that path so many times that the trampled grass will never re-grow. We aren’t crippled, we are merely human. In the end, we all manage to find love … or at least die trying
-Gregg
Hi, Heather. I just wanted to let you know that you’ve been nominated for a contest that I’m holding (funniest blog contest)
Info can be found here:
hey, maybe I was the reporter that asked you that question? I don’t think you said asshole though. That was a sweet email to send! Be well Fish! Still waiting for “This Fish: The Book”!
I just got an e-mail like that – except it was from the other half of a particularly bad breakup apologising for some of the ways he treated me incredibly badly last summer. I still haven’t quite decided how I’m going to respond. Sigh. I know I’ll give him the forgiveness he’s asking for just … I have some work to do first to make it true.
i would’ve over-analyzed his response. i’m such a girl. what does he mean by “pretty good date?” i’m still catching up on the archives. sorry if you don’t check comments on old entries anymore.