On my way back to New York last week, the security goons at DFW confiscated my Swiss Army Knife key-chain. Obviously afraid I might file through the cabin door or tweeze one of the flight attendants to death before the Air Marshall could tackle me to the floor, the screener, without a word, took the little red gadget off its loop and tossed it.
“But… but I’ve been flying with that for years!”
I had been. The itty bitty key-chain, which was a gift and not without a significant amount of sentimental value, had passed every screener between the US and Morocco over the last seven years.
“You’re welcome to speak to my supervisor,” the raspy-voiced screener barked, when I stood there looking confused. I nodded lamely and she called out, “Bud! Bud, come over here and talk to this lady.”
Bud explained that my options were, check the offensive item in my luggage (not really an option as it was way too close to flight time), or give it to someone out there (indicating the area outside of security).
“But I don’t have anyone out there.”
Bud just shrugged his meaty shoulders. Suddenly, on top of feeling frustrated with Bud and his summer-toothed, chain-smoking sidekick, I felt abandoned and alone. Which, even then, I knew was absolutely ridiculous. But all the same, I was without comfort, shoeless in security, clutching three naked brass keys and wondering, How will I get myself out of a sticky situation at the ATM deposit without my handy little Swiss Army pen?
I turned the corner, sat on the nearest bench, and cried into my lap. Big, pathetic alligator tears.
“This is a new low,” I typed to a friend on my also-handy PDA, aware of the absurdity of crying in front of strangers. At the airport. Over a key-chain.
But absurd or not, I couldn’t turn it off. I don’t cry easily, except when I’m frustrated, or when life feels horribly unfair, or when someone dies on Grey’s Anatomy. And two of the three were going down right then. I mean, thank god I didn’t know about Meredith’s mom yet, or jeez louise I’d have been a mess. I dabbed at my eyes until boarding was announced, then told myself to suck it up, and got in line.
In the week that has passed, you’d think I’d have gotten over it – forgiven Bud and his snaggle-toothed friend. But last night, when I reached my front gate and dug around in my coat pocket for my keys, I felt the lightness of the naked key ring, and a knot formed in my stomach. I cursed Bud out loud, and because there was no sense in fighting it, went upstairs to watch some old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.
Do you know who else’s fictional death makes me cry: when the old couple dies in the Notebook. Every single time. I cannot stop it. Grey’s Anatomy deaths are the worse. How much did you cry when George’s dad died. I was sitting in front of my computers and my roommates must have thought I was insane.
That totally reminded me of my stinking days after that one flight some time last year. =) I hate feeling so helpless!
Awww….would it be creepy if I said I would gladly send you a new swiss army key chain. Or another one, that won’t be confiscated by security? Because you just made me so sad, I want to make it all better.
Fedex/UPS/USPS should put a drop box just outside of security, packed with boxes and forms that take credit card numbers.. That way, security can at least offer you an option that’s possible. And you’d be able to weigh (mentally) “is my illegal to fly with gadget worth 15$ to fedex to myself”..
fedex would make money, security doesn’t have to be the really bad guy, and you’d have a tearless solution to your day.. well, until you watched GA on tivo..
I hate the way tears of frustration building inside and feel like a flood of everything that has been wrong for like the past month, in addition to what has already caused the tears.
Bravo for another fabulous post !
Ever notice how the logic that if you’re on your way home, the offensive object in question must have gotten through security on your way there, so why would it be not ok to take it on board 2 days later, seems to completely elude TSA people?
And I’m convinced they train them to take things just when it will upset you the most. I cried when they took my favorite pen because it was made of metal (a very nice Cross brand pen, actually). And I don’t cry in public either.
but don’t you feel safer?
No offense Fish, but suck it up. You already knew the Swiss Army keychain was banned (you’re just lucky to get away with it for so long). The same goes for every third person who holds up security for trying to bring yogurt through the check point. Yeah the rules are retarded. I fly with my knitting… you don’t think I could take out a few people with a bamboo stick to the eye? Exactly. I just know what is allowed and what is not. Plan ahead. Don’t be the ass that makes me stand shoeless waiting to go through the detector. That is so gross! They should at least give us paper booties to wear. I don’t enjoy the idea of picking up someone’s foot fungus while trying to fly the friendly (or not) skies!
Don’t feel bad Fish! I’ve cried on the subway because my bank account was overdrawn…sometimes public crying just happens
I’m sorry about your keychain
I had the same thing happen with a key chain USB memory stick. Aparently, I was going to download the plane into the Mississippi?
It’s endearing that you morn sentimentality and functionality at the same time.
Hi Heather
I have lurked on your blog for a long time now and this is the first time I’ve felt compelled to comment. But I know exactly how you feel. It totally sucks monkey butt. I have cursed Bud so that all of his zippers break. Adrianna’s too. I recently flew with 1.5 L of duty free alcohol… which is flammable! Urgh, stupidity sucks.
Oh gawd, George’s dad and when George saw him with the tubes in him and he just kept repeating, “That’s my Dad.”
So, I hate Adrianna.
On a more related note; I happen to behold a spankingly brand new silver Swiss Army knife. If you are open to the idea of one the size of a tube o’ lipstick it’s all yours for the low low price of just I love you and hate TSA screeners. (And still Adrianna of the needlessly obnoxious comment above).
i had that SAME thing happen in paris – flew from italy to france no problem but got to paris and it was no go. actually, mine was one of the executive cards so it didn’t even have a knife – more like a stunted letter opener. what the heck?! sadly, it may be with the same bitterness i experienced, that you end up buying a new one. gack!
great idea about the ups/fedex box – they would make bank
i would have cried too
Once upon a time, I knew what “summer-toothed” meant. Someone explained it to me years ago. But I’m old and I forgot. Please remind. I know it’s funny. I’ll check back in the AM.
Never mind. My kid sent me to Urban Dictionary. Summer here, summer there. For some reason, I remembered it being funnier. Oh well. Sorry about the SAK. Carry whatever you want. I haven’t flown since 1994, so you’re not putting me out none.
Dude…you should have buried it in the nearest potted plant and reclaimed it upon arrival! I’ve done it…it worked!
Oh Fish that’s unfortunate! Oftentimes I’ve questioned the abilities of the TSA. Granted, I like feeling safe, but on a trip out of JFK some “summer-toothed” gaurd confiscated my wee manicure scissors (with industry-standard 1/3 of an inch death-wielding rapiers) while my mother disembarked back home with two ciggie-ready lighters in her otherwise empty purse… Yeah, because the ability to drench a cockpit with lighter fuel while igniting it with another flame throwing device is far outweighed by the chance that one might snip rough cuticles or *God Forbid* the snags created on one’s garment by the oh-so-well-kempt facilities of an American Airlines* jet.
*By saying American Airlines, I am by no means hoping to find myself on a security watch list due to my propensity to carry manicure accoutrements or due to the fact that my luggage was accidentaly sent to Costa Rica while I was forced to attend a funeral in denim and a sweater while I seethed in bitterness at the idiocy of it all……
ps… i really like hyphens today.
It’s kind of sad how overboard they go with this. Seriously, how much harm can I tweezer do (and I don’t mean if you stopped plucking, because trust me, more harm in that than anything). Tsk I know the feeling
Please ignore Adrianna.
I cried too. In Ohio, over a silly fake zippo lighter I got in Paris where the flame changes color and it has the eiffel tower on the front. I don’t even smoke.
I’m not sure why it was in my bag, but it was no big deal on the trip there and then on the return trip it was suddenly forbidden contraband. I wouldn’t have cared if I had just lost it. But to watch someone take it from me and be powerless to stop it- that sucked. And it made me feel more vulnerable, not safer. Go figure.
The TSA website says that you can have scissors as long as they are no longer than 4 inches. 4 INCHES! Please explain how those can do less damage than a 1 inch Swiss Army blade. True, it is MacGuyver’s knife of choice, and he could use his to take the entire plane apart and build it into an atomic bomb, but no one else is that talented.
Sorry about that Heath. I cry any time someone uses their authority to make me feel small and powerless. Those are the worst kind of tears because they come at the most inopportune time and can’t be stopped.
Wait a minute… It just occurred to me. Didn’t the TSA relax the rules some time last year that small blades up to an inch is okay? I just looked over TSA’s website and now all blades except for plastic ones are allowed…
Here’s an unrelated tip, Heather. I am very particular when it comes to toothpastes, and all those mini ones you can buy at Target are just plain jane types. So what’s a guy to do if he wants good toothpaste on his carryon? You buy something like this which is flat and kind of small, and rip the plastic off! Now the bottle looks like it can only hold 3 oz instead of 5.5. =)
By the way, Adrianna’s got some attitude, ain’t she? Ignore her.
I once had an eyeglass repair kit, meaning a screwdriver of the tiniest sort get thrown out of my purse into the giant vat of what we like to call the “free Christmas gifts for the TSA employees”. And of course, the screw on my eyeglasses came out during the flight. A blind girl bumping into walls and glass doors, is much more of a problem, you’d think.
And Grey’s… *shakes head* I cry. I can’t help it, and I don’t like it, but Ghost-Denny and Izzy meeting in the hallway was what finally did me in. And now I cry at that damn commercial about the elephant buying soup for the zookeeper.
Don’t feel bad about crying Fish–it just signifies you are human.
Quite unlike Adrianna. Obviously her knitting has done nothing to improve her stress and bitterness.
I’m pursuing a graduate degree in engineering and I am confused with the TSA’s list of accepted and prohibited items. Nevermind the fact that each airport screener seems to have a different interpretation of said list. Once one actually tried to confiscate my navel jewelry because it set off the scanner! I’m not quite sure how a steel barbell was supposed to bring down the plane-flinging it in the pilot’s eye?
Hope you cheer up Fish. I’m sending a big hug your way!
P.S. Adrianna dear, good personal hygiene should prevent you from getting any bugs while waiting in line behind us asses. Either that or your frigid blood should prove to be a rather inhospitable host…
My daughter and I were returning from Florida when all her cigarette lighters were confiscated. All 17 of them. (The record was 19, she almost had it at the Tampa airport0. She was devestated, had been collecting them for sometime. Why she had to carry all her lighters is beyond me! They told her that she could write and request them sent to her. She just huffed and puffed the rest of the trip home.
RDU airport has a mailing thing to mail confiscated items from. I am not sure why the rest of the world hasn’t picked up on this money making business. Hopefully one day soon they all will.
my goodness, what got up Adrianna’s butt?! don’t listen to her!
we’ve all been there, and it stinks. i’ve lost treasured items along the way of life, too. but the niffty thing is that something else with memories will come along and present itself to you and help ease the pain!
and Adrianna, oh-ignorant-traveler, they DO offer paper/plastic booties for your feet at security!
Grey’s Anatomy is the ultimate phenomenon. It’s amazing to me the people that it effects! I love it! And don’t worry, I’m a big cry baby, and I cry in front of strangers all the time
Just for you fish… I’ve submitted my fedex suggestion to both Fedex and the USPS.. (ups doesn’t have a suggestion box)..
Who knows.. next time you are in the same situation, you might be able to send yourself a priority flat rate box (anything that fits in the box gets shipped) for like $10..
I’m sorry about your loss of something that was sentimentally valuable to you. I, too, have lost SEVERAL Swiss army knives but finally bought one at a sporting goods shop for $4.00. Have had it for several years – guess they only want the good ones. It’s ugly but it works. Murphy’s law, I guess.
I’m sorry to see that everyone took me as being such an ass. I just meant that losing the SAK was inevitable. I’m sorry I wasn’t all ‘huggy’ about the incident. My apologies Fish.
My favorite airport confiscation story came after TSA removed my little fingernail clippers from the bag and tossed them. When I asked, “what about my fingernails”, she answered, “bite them”. I know what she really wanted me to bite.
Some airports around the country already have USPS set-ups that allow you to package and mail confiscated items.
A few months ago while traveling for business I was in the Minneapolis airport with a colleague who was able to mail her beloved swiss army knife home instead of losing it.
Wow…so if we were all as OCD (read – anal) as Adrianna to actually, not only read all of the fine print and measurements and rules, etc (what do you mean I don’t have the right SIZE ziploc bag? It’s a plastic bag!), but also to somehow be able to read the minds of the “Buds” or hormonal, pregnant, teenage nitwits who get to follow these ridiculous rules and “keep us safer” by choosing which illegal items they will confiscate and when, we’d all be okay. Yeah, on my trip to Guatemala last month, hormone-girl took away my unopened, labeled tube of toothpaste, yet left an UNMARKED plastic container of muscle-relaxing gel (suspicious looking green GOO) happily in my bag. That kind of makes the whole thing pointless in my opinion.
At least your, um, ~toys~ weren’t confiscated. Not that I know anyone to whom that’s happened. It’s just that, you know, that would (snickering) suck.
TSA = Thousands Standing Around. Your tax dollars (not) at work.
wow, fish, you’ve got a sensitive commentariat here – at least, sensitive on your behalf! they seem to circle the wagons pronto. or perhaps adrianna is some type of recurring character, and i just don’t know the whole story.
anyway, i just had to comment because the EXACT same thing happened to me last year at security with my swiss keychain. i’d had it for seven years (the damn thing was starting to crack apart), and i was bereft at the loss when they took it away. sadly, i still haven’t replaced it. (probably because i know i’d forget to take the new one off my keychain for the next trip to the airport…)
so, i’m sorry to hear that you had the same thing happen! but glad to read today that you were kindly gifted with a new one.
I’m a frustration cryer too. I wish, for both of us, that we were frustration ass-kickers instead.
The EXACT same thing happened to my pink swiss army key chain, also a gift, coming home from New Years. Flown with it for years, and all of a sudden it’s a dangerous weapon? I was arguing the exact same point when m v. wise and v. level-headed boyfriend convinced me to give the key chain up to the facist TSA lady. I think he could tell I was about to whip out the tiny blade and ask her if she thought I could actually kill someone with it – then we defintely would have missed our flight. He also bought me a new one – not pink, but green with funky white flowers. This one stays home when I fly!
its not whether it is a dangerous weapon but that it’s banned. you can’t bring toothpaste onboard, why would you think a knife? even a small one. don’t blame the TSA workers – their just doing their job!
Their just doing their job? Shudder. Oh that your English teachers had been so vigilant.
in response to Adrianna (who said it was inevitable – although nice that she apologized) and eden (who said the TSA are just doing their job) – the problem is that they don’t always do their job….they let some things slide….seemingly obvious things, yet other obviously HARMLESS things get confiscated. my bigger problem is with the whole rule system to begin with. My only problem with the actual TSA worker that I came across was her ranting, raving, complaining and making fun of the passengers right in front of us. I highly doubt that falls under her job description.
Good lord you people are vicious. Excuse the mistake, Iâm typing quickly. You canât write anything other than praise or you get personally attacked. You have no idea of my intelligence level and besides, that’s not really the issue here.
I was just crying myself in the airport a few days ago. I’m sure everyone thought I was a bit insane. Except the very nice woman from Canada who talked to me for a very long time and made me feel better. Even though she made me cry more.
Actually Eden, your statement isn’t true. The reason the proverbial wagons are circling (loved that Kate D.) is because in this instance the majority of us have experienced the same torture by the hands of the TSA goons.
Not only are these people dreadfully unskilled in customer relations (should we choose not to fly, they wouldn’t have a job) but their knowledge of the rules they are supposed to enforce is minimal at best and not applied consistently from one checkpoint to the next. So this is hardly a concise, well-managed process that is user-friendly.
Attempts to argue the contrary are ludicrous and thus open to debate (especially if they involve incorrect grammar and/or spelling)–keeping in mind that the opposition is comprised of TSA goon victims.
‘Tis really nothing personal at all.
well, if you read the TSA website before flying it clearly says what you can and cannot bring on a plane. yes, there is inconsistency but your safe bet is to obey the rules. i recently flew abroad, read the rules, and nothing was confiscated. and no,this doesn’t mean that i am anal. i was a smart traveler. if you lose something, it’s on you. i’m sorry fish lost her knife but it’s her fault not the TSA employee.
and yes, it is personal when you attack spelling and/or grammer when that is not what is up for debate. i’m not writing a freaking essay here. it’s a blog- get over it. it doesn’t invalidate a point.
Oh, Eden. It’s grammar. With an a.
thanks marc. so helpful.
heaven forbid someone disagree with the blog writer!
lets nitpick the typos. its a blog comment, people – get over it.
As the “blog writer,” what I find amusing is that there wasn’t really anything to disagree with. I never said that I should have been allowed to fly with my knife, just that I’d always been allowed to (right or wrong) and that I was SAD about losing it.
I didn’t hold anyone up in line, I didn’t make a fuss or speak to anyone impolitely. But I felt crappy. And that’s all I was trying to share. Sorta hard to disagree with a feeling, but what do I know?
I mean, opine as to my unpreparedness or outright stupidity, but I mean, really.
i was referring more to how nasty your commenters can be in general to anyone who dares “disagree” or doesn’t sing your praises.
nothing against you or anything – you don’t control it. i just think it’s intersting how many blog commenters are so loyal to the writers and they attack when a commenter appears out of line. so much for discussion there.
maybe “empathize with’ was a better choice of words
okay,moving on….
Boston’s airport does allow you to mail “contraband” items to yourself. I know this because, on our last vacation, my adorable-but-somewhat-dim boyfriend remembered to take all the liquids out of his bag, but left in his Leatherman. Sigh..
i know the feeling! last year my younger brother and i went to visit friends and they confiscated his keychain knife – a gift from my sister & brother-in-law’s wedding! i was so mad and they didn’t even give him the option of taking it anywhere else, just dropped it in the lock box telling him they couldn’t access it and it would be melted down… i cried the entire flight. people can be so heartless when it’s not their stuff! sorry you had to go thru that… it sucks.
I work for an airport (not TSA, an airport) that offers passangers to mail items to themselves, and you’d be surprised how many chose not to. I guess they just don’t trust it will actually reach them. As far as toothpast and other liquids all confiscated items are suposed to be donated to a woman’s shelter. But what I’ve always wondered is where does all the alchol go?
“Obviously afraid I might file through the cabin door or tweeze one of the flight attendants to death before the Air Marshall could tackle me to the floor” just gave me hysterical giggles.
Adrianne said, “Plan ahead. Don’t be the ass that makes me stand shoeless waiting to go through the detector.” Screw you, too, Adrianne. Just for that, I’m gonna pitch a real bitch the next time I’m in front of you in line. I’ll hold the line up so long you’ll miss your flight. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE who condones this crap is just as bad as the morons who thought it up. The reason stupid people get away with these things is because smart people LET THEM. We need to take back our country from the moronic, mouth-breathing red-staters, afraid of their own shadow. BOO!