It’s Thursday, so you’re probably expecting to read about phalluses and the men-children who name them, but it is not to be. I did say Thursdays were for “dating, mating and that guy who was not only really bad in bed, but stole my favorite sweater.” Well, we’ve covered the sweater guy, and I’m just not in the mood for sex (talking about it anyway). But I do have a little something to say about dating — online dating, actually.
Despite what I do for a living, I’ve never been a big fan of finding love on the old interweb. I’m not judging – if you’ve met the love of your life online, I’m ecstatic for you. It’s just… it’s always made me feel a bit uncomfortable. You know, somewhere on par with suddenly finding yourself watching a Vagisil commercial with your brother or dad next to you on the couch. Awkward. It just makes me squirmy.
Last week, though, I decided that I was going to have to get over my little phobia and go online to get some offline socialization. And you know what I found? There seem to be a lot of nice, well-adjusted guys looking for love on the internet. Shocker! Problem is, there are even more who are… well, not. I’ve learned that in the online dating circus, it takes patience and focus to get through the weirdos to find the guys you’d not pepper spray as soon as meet out for a drink.
The face only a mother…
The first thing I do is click the little red x next to the photo of any man that looks like a criminal. I totally understand the disservice I can do myself by judging on a man on looks. But if he’s sporting a pedophile mustache, or looks like he has experience with a switchblade, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. I also — and this is clearly my own issue — click the x next to men without visible jawlines. I’m not looking for the Brawny paper towel guy, but I am certainly not interested in bearing children with the mark of the inbred. I absolutely refuse to have Hapsburg babies. I once knew a girl whose chin all but disappeared into her neck, and I won’t lie: it was an impediment to our friendship. People without jaws, you give me the willies. There, I said it.
Just an average guy
Next, I take a look at the first line of his profile. “My friends would describe me as laid back…” Yawn! Or, “I’m just an average guy…” Click! If you don’t think you’re special, why should I? If you truly are nondescript (and honestly, I have a hard time believing that anyone is entirely quirk-free), you totally deserve the kind of girl who would be intrigued by such a statement. May the lord bless you with a houseful of talentless children. And do the literate girls a favor – run a spell checker on that puppy. I just glanced at a dude’s profile, where in the first three lines, four words were misspelled – all in a statement about how he should write dating profiles for a living. Yeah, buddy. Just you do that.
Better off with a thousand words
Once a guy’s passed the first-glance, first-read test, I have a look through the rest of his profile. Occupation, religion, other photos. For a lot of you, this will be a big duh, but I expect, for some of you fellas, this will be something of a public service announcement. If you think that a picture of you with a beer bong belongs anywhere on your dating profile, you are an idiot. You probably drive drunk on a routine basis, eat spray cheese right out of the can, and say things like, “It’s T-dawg in the hiz-ouse!” when you get home from your job as a fraternity recruiter. You are an idiot. And I did not pay a membership fee to meet idiots. I can do that for free, thanks. My point is, lots of people have a beer bong picture. They just have enough sense not to display it before getting some third date nookie. To be safe, let a girl choose your picture for you. That’s pretty idiot-proof.
Picky, picky
If a guy makes it past the online dating gauntlet, and we start emailing, that’s all great and good. I’ve met a few very nice men. But mostly, I spend my time right clicking — copying and pasting scary photos into emails I send to family members. It’s kinda like The Dating Game. Yesterday’s Bachelor Number One described himself as “unable to relate to people well,” and in his photo, he bore a strong and alarming resemblance to Sloth from Goonies. Obviously, this is why I am still single – because I’m mean. Also because I have a whole cadre of arbitrary rules fixed in my brain about what a man should be. But frankly, I’m fine with that. Because if it’s a choice between settling, and spending my life with Ari, our pets, and a mishmash of adopted children – that’s not really much of a choice at all. Ari is an awesome cook and I have never, ever seen her with a beer bong.
Your line ‘Obviously, this is why I am still single – because I’m mean.’, I swear I’ve said that about myself before! haha I feel you on all the points on online dating. It’s freaky out there.
not a beer bong. Damn right. And we could very happily grow old together and you’d be the beneficiary and all too! Face goiter.
Nicely articulated Heather! You make me feel a little less mean about my online dating snobbiness.
Piqued is not spelled peaked or peeked! argh!
Hey now…don’t look a gift “loser” in the mouth, missy. Or, um, I guess that IS what you’re avoiding, huh?
Good job
Just a word or two from the peanut gallery….
I was once in your shoes. I had an online profile and I scoured the “man-pages” daily, finding things I didn’t like with 95% of the profiles, and avoiding those that had kids and did not have pictures. Well….
A guy emailed me…and 3 months later we were married….he did not have a profile picture and he had a daughter. 5 years later, we’re still happily married and I have a beautiful 8 year old step-daughter.
I learned a valuable lesson and I was also extremely lucky.
I actually like the online dating. I have a hard time actually speaking to someone in person but after I’ve emailed a few times I’m fine.
I just started online dating…I felt a little weird about it at first, but it’s addicting, like shopping for boys!! There certainly are some interesting people out there!
I just don’t get the mis-spellers especially with spell check and dictionary.com a click away. If he doesn’t care about his profile, imagine the other things in his life he doesn’t care about.
Not only have I done all of the above, but it appears you and Ari and I will all be living in the same place with our Chinese babies.
So, funny story. Apparently I can’t misspell even when I try. I meant to say, don’t look a gift “looser” in the mouth. Oy – This darn editing profession has ruined me
Never, never, never settle. And never, never, never apologize for it.
I think it’s perfectly okay to be snobby about online dating… it’s like shopping, why pick what you don’t want to wear?
Oooh, I hate that whole “average guy” schtick. Those are the most messed up guys, in my experience….trying a little to hard to fit in!
A classy lady never wants to see the beer bong picture. That spot on the mantel is reserved for the picture of the happy couple in old west garb, taken at Six Flags. It goes right next to the candlestick made out of a Jack Daniels bottle and below the painting of a Mexican landscape, rendered on velvet.
I hope I don’t create any jealousy, I just “know” these things, most guys have to learn them.
Totally did the online thing for awhile. The first guy I met said he looked like Lance Bass. Neither one of us had our picture posted so I figured what the heck.
Good Lord! Lance Bass fell out of a tree, got run over by a truck and then got beat with the ugly stick. I thought that I was being too harsh so I ordered a glass of wine and we talked. Then we decided to go to the next bar. Unfortunately, Lance forgot his wallet in the car…thirty feet away. Awesome!
Next guy not much better, control freak with major issues. I was 130 pounds and still too chubby. I am 5’6″!
Good luck maybe you will meet Mike’s parallel.
I agree with Ginger. Online dating is like a 24-7 Kwik-E-Mart of love, sex or just grocery dates. At times a luscious smorgasbord and other times a wasteland so bleak you’ll climb into your car at the end of the night and sob yourself home because your last date was just that pathetic. Still, it’s putting yourself out there and I think that makes you open to all kinds of relationship opportunities. Don’t you? It’s like anything rich- good in moderation. And since you are obviously a student of humanity, think of the people you will meet!! I wrote off the serial killer look -alikes right away and the tubby chinless baldies. Harsh? Maybe. But a girl has to know her worth. I’m not a super model by any means, but I’m fabulous and so are you. In the end, I did meet someone worth my time, effort and love. Good luck! Have fun. And when the going gets tough, do yourself a favor and order the $49 steak and lobster entree on his dime. Hell, that loser lucky to sit across the table from you. Next!
I have had a bit of luck meeting men online. But I kissed a few toads as well, one in particular thought a goodnight kiss meant his tongue stuck to the back of my throat using my uvula as a punching bag. Let’s face it people there are some real “critters” out there. What is a “critter” you ask? anyone that doesn’t deem it necessary to take the cigarette out of their mouth or use a brush before posing for their picture. Also, if the profile says “I am a nice guy” run even faster than if it says “I am an average guy”! I also steer away from anyone that has pictures of themselves in underwear or standing there with their shirt off.
This post is, in short, perfection. Not only did it make me laugh out loud at least four times (as, you know, is a feat for me… yay) but I agreed with every single word. I have always been weirded out by people without well-defined jaws. I mean welllll defined. Ditto on the whole, “If you don’t think you’re special, why should I?” Absolutely correct. I, too, am picky, which probably continues to contribute to my singlehood, and, like you my dear, I am totally fine with that.
I also can’t stand spelling errors.
Jesus… maybe we should just get together. You know, casual hookup between two fabulous, picky, witty… women. Oh well. Great post!
I met a great guy online once…and then he proceeded to link me to his blog. Very clever, witty, funny….AND when he got angry at his ex wife he wrote blogs about all the ways he’d like to slowly murder her. I.****.You.NOT. Luckily I don’t live at the same address because he wasn’t too happy when I dumped him the night of a big work New Year’s Eve party….
I love it! And the whole “jawline” thing! Give me a well defined jawline with a bit of sexy stubble, and I am a goner. Mmm mm.
oh my goodness, this post still has me smiling. i tried online dating for all of 3 months, and i gave up. EESH. here’s hoping you find at least some new friends out of the deal.
My favourite misspelled words include “peek” instead of pique and “freek” instead of freak…. I have to say that when I read a profile and the person cannot spell I just delete and move on.
I also don’t go in for guys who have pictures up of them with women. What’s up with that?? Aren’t you here to *find* a woman? Is a guy who posts a pic of himself with a bunch of “gurls” supposed to be someone who “peeks” my interest? Seriously.
In my experience checking out online dating profiles, I have found that every guy who has ever been in a wedding will post the picture of him in his tux. I also love the guys who take pictures of themselves with the camera stretched out in front of them…or the super artsy ones in black and white…or my favorite – the guys who post pictures of themselves taken by a professional. Who does that past senior photos! Not hot
Wait, don’t you work for an online dating website?
Uh, yeah. Remember that part where I said, “Despite what I do for a living..”? That might have been what I was referring to.
Spell check is essential. Good God Men! I’m looking for brains more than looks and specific chin types, but I must think that I would want to get naked with them for long periods of time if there’s any hope at all.
I’m thinking of starting a key to online dating euphemisms – maybe an idea for blog contributions and comments. I’ve been doing the online thing for only two weeks but so far I know that “laid back” = possible sociopath. I also know that people who say they’re smart and can’t conjugate verbs need to redefine smart. Absolutely nothing wrong with being particular. I do love the one stop shopping! The essentials are clear up front–politics, babies, beliefs.
Good luck, Fish.
I’ve tried online dating, about three years ago. I started dating a guy that vanished after three months. Strange but even stranger was that a couple of months later I started dating another guy that I met online and he too vanished after about two months. Then around six months later, they both emailed me. The first one says that he lost my number! Where I live, if you know my last name you can find out almost everything about me, where I live, when I bought my house, how much I paid for it, etc. etc. etc. along with all my previous addresses and phone numbers so needless to say, he was full of BS. The other guys emails and says “what happened to you?” Me????
Anyway, A new dating website kept emailing me so I finally looked around and joined. I sure am glad I did because I met a wonderful man, a little older than I usually date but so far he seems perfect for me.
I’ll cross my fingers for ya!
I’m 24 and both my best friend and I moved to new cities last year. We were finding it hard to find friends/dates so we decided to try Match.Com and Nerve.Com. We did not last 48 hours. We realized that: 1) We were too young for the whole online dating thing (neither of us are into guys 10+ yeard older than us) and; 2) There are a hell of a lot of weirdo’s out there.
Also, if my two male co-worker’s who are enrolled in 5 different dating services between them are an indication of the men out there in cyberspace – DO NOT WANT!
So how does one get your emails with the scary pictures? Because I’m laughing just thinking about it.
Thank you for this post – I didn’t just laugh, I guffawed.
I guess I’m mean too. I delete anyone who makes reference to the whole princess kissing frog thing. Let’s get some new imagery, okay boys?
What if Mike had no jaw? Would we love him less?
Well holy crap! A long time ago I decided to pay Match for a long term membership, thinking that A) it would be a great idea, and B) it would be so much cheaper per month if I go for 6 months at a time. To this day, I’ve only signed in maybe a dozen times tops, and have only emailed a few girls.
I have long ignored that money drain, and just in an instance, you suddenly made me all self conscious much like opening the eyes of an innocent young girl of the concept of fat people. Then I realized, the best way to subside that sudden self-doubt is to actually let you (or other your loyal readers) critique my profile! *GASP* Just don’t laugh, considering I slapped that thing together in under half an hour almost a year ago.
If you have Match, my profile name is RunChitown. Feedback will be greatly appreciated! =) I’ll happily take them and learn from my mistakes, and perhaps renew my “paid” membership and give this interweb dating another chance.
Not to throw any molotov cocktails, but…don’t you women always express your righteous indignation over how men are only seeking skinny blondes with big boobs, rather than charcter and personality? So how is a focus on men’s physical characteristics any different? Do I detect a tiny bit of hypocrisy?
Great writing, Fish – - I adore your wry, perceptive advice. Always enjoy your take on things and hope you find a guy worthy of your intelligence and character.
As for me, I adore long walks on the beach, romantic movies, fine wine, evenings at the opera, blah, blah, blah…yeah, right.
I am right there with you Fish! Try online dating in farm country lol. Just trying to find someone within 50 miles that can put two sentences together without glaring mistakes made me give it up. The few guys I did deign to date all had serious issues going on. I finally gave up the online thing and figured if I was suppose to be with someone, fate would bring him to me. Sure enough, it did! Just when I was actually about to give up and become a confirmed bachelorette. I definitely wish you luck though. Go through lots of them and don’t settle. At least you live in a city with lots of choices.
A bit of advice that I learned from my own online dating experience…if they’re not smiling with teeth in their photo, there is probably something really crazy going in in there.
This (seemingly) cute guy and I made plans to meet up and the instant he spoke I saw them. SHARK TEETH! I mean, I do tend to have a bit of a crooked teeth issue… but this was just extreme!!
I agree 100%. You are awesome. I do the exact same things.
Seriously what is with the men that say they have a college degree and then continue to misuse YOU’RE and YOUR. “are you smarter than a 5th grader”
Oh and don’t forget the guys that post tons of pictures of themselves with trampy looking girls hanging on them – so alluring…snort.
if we are picky in 3D, why not in the virtual world? i think it’ll be a good thing if more men and women who are adjusted and for lack of a better word… dateable… would get on the web to help tilt the scales a little. it’s sad to lose the luster of seeing a man who’s attractive walk by for the first time and having *that* be the impression, but through my tids and bits of online dating, i’ve found (at the very least) some fun e-mailing buddies.
i so look forward to thursdays now. hope texas is going well.
I did the online dating thing for a few months, and for me, the one thing that I could NOT stand (besides misspellings and bad grammar) was a photo of the guy with his car — usually with his arms crossed, as if to say, yeah, I’m cool. Um, no. You’re not.
Holy hell. Coffee burns when it comes out my nose from laughing. I tired online dating. After an endless amount of nutcases and a few nice guys, I have give up on men in general. I struck up a conversation with one pinhead who asked if he could do a strip tease for me. This was the question he promptly asked after “how are you?”. I have discovered I would rather be alone than hooked up with an idiot. I love your blog.
I’ve had all-in-all a good experience with online dating and have met some nice guys that have become nice friends. Things that bug the CRAP out of me are the pictures with the guy holding a fish (!) and the spelling. Best spelling mistake was one guy writing, “like to take long bile rides.” YEP. You heard me right. Arrggh!
I think you just need to get laid and have all that bitchiness out of you
Great post! It’s easy to be picky online. You aren’t faced with a person whose feeling you’ll hurt by saying, sorry, no chin! And this is the place where men really are like busses (a phrase of my mother’s) another is coming along any minute. At least you don’t have to be afraid of being followed to your car if a guy seems creepy!
It took me 5 months online, and a lot of rejects, but I’ve been living with my last bus for a year now, and he’s asked me if I’m interested in taking a hot air balloon ride. Keep your fingers crossed for me, internet!
As a now 3+ year veteran of online dating, I’ve dated two people who turned out exactly like their profile. However in the end,they both didn’t work out.
I totally agree with Ginger’s post, it’s totally like shopping. I have to say though that the stigma of meeting and marrying someone online is decreasing.
As an addict to the Times Sunday Styles, I’d say there are a least one announcement a week of a couple that met online.
Another thing…I love those new match commercials with the tagline “It’s okay to look”. Every time my boyfriend and I hear one, he turns to me and says “NO, it is NOT okay to look”… =)
I love reading your blogs and i must say i feel the same way about meeting men on the internet….. write more soon
I’m just as picky and mean, but after seeing my friends make their attempts, I knew I had to, just to try.
Yep, a few scary ones, a few nice ones, a few that were just icky. And a nice surprise when I sent an email to a man outside of “mile range”, but who had an interesting profile. Two emails, a week of phone calls and we met: now, we’re soon to be moving in together!
Just a try. You might meet new friends, or just get more stories to write about! (And what author doesn’t love writing fodder???)
Good Luck to you!
link
check out this online dating linky from msnbc. maybe you’ll find your man from the hottie website they feature?
“It’s funny because it’s true.” [SNORK!] This is hilarious!!
Wait ’til you meet one of these guys for coffee at your local coffee place, only to have him ask (within 20 minutes), “so, are we going back to your place?” (True story).
I’ve sworn off internet dating sites entirely, and am now debating between a life of singleness until I can be a trophy wife for some rich (really) old guy or until I can convince some of my friends who still know nice single guys to introduce me.
Any opinion on the least scary online dating service?
Scarier problems aside, my biggest peeve was men who felt it necessary to use internet slang (LOL, etc.) in their
profiles and emails. Guys, this reduces your emotional age and/or your IQ points by half in my book. And I can assure you, you probably don’t have a number high enough to gamble with in either case.
Then there was the message I got that simply said: “I’d hit that. Hard.” I wonder, sadly…is this a tactic that had worked in the past for this idiot?
LOL! The perfect description of online dating! And you’re not mean, you just have STANDARDS! My mom use to say, “Why are you so mean, Michelle? You will never get a boyfriend like that. Sometimes the ugly ones can be the best boyfriends.” Yeah…no. I’m not completely close-minded when it comes to looks, but I have standards dammit!
I once met this guy online who ALWAYS wrote ‘women ‘in place of ‘woman’.. like he said ‘you are a great women’… I just couldn’t get past it! That when he said he had a degree in philosophy.. jeez!
I was going to start this comment with “Hey Fish”…but it’s beginning to feel like I’m posting a comment on a love blog run by Abe Vigoda.
Heather, I really don’t think finding love on the introwebs is all that different than in real life. Face it, the computer age is here and is not splitting anytime soon. It has become a new way for everyone to communicate. Having said that, stay choosy…it’s worth it. And stay away from the ‘bags.
Here’s a million dollar idea, somebody should combine dating services and blogs. A dating blog where it has a more community feel of give and take with other posters with the same top three interests. That would relieve some of the “one on one” pressure people have on regular online dating services.
I have two good references. Ari and Greek. I think we should start chatting after all these years. Care to contact either and get the ball rolling???
I almost gave up on online dating after a guy gave me a sex toy in a plastic grocery bag on our second date (I wish I was making that up). How did that guy fool me enough on the first date to make me go out with him again? I may never know. However, I stuck with it a little longer and I ended up meeting an incredible man. I had just decided to cancel my membership when he sent me an email and I decided “what the heck. I’ll go out on one more date before the membership runs out”. I’m so happy I did.
“People without jaws, you give me the willies. There, I said it.”
I don’t think I’ve laughed at something so hard all day.
Never settle. Meanness is better than stupidity.
The Yahoo! ad in the side bar has got me this time. “Voodoo Doll Binding Rituals”…
I tried Match, PerfectMatch, EHarmony, and Yahoo. What an unmitigated disaster. I have given it up. I’m gonna get some cats. At least they don’t disappear after the second or third date. Sheesh.
The guy I’ve just started seeing is still looking online. He says that he loves to flirt online. He seems to be a great guy in every other way but this is bothering me. I keep thinking that I should tell him that when he tires of looking to call me but then he does something exceptionally nice for me. I’m on the fence, I need to make a decision soon, I’ve only dated him for three weeks. Does anyone have any helpful advice?
btw John, I think your profile looks good.
what i hated was a man with no standards whatsoever. if every religious background, education level, number of kids, body type, etc. is okay.. you’re desperate, are only looking for sex, or are a psychopath looking to prey on women who buy the ‘open mind’ crap. *everybody* has turnoffs.
that said, my experience with the paid membership sites lasted exactly one day less than any of their free trial periods. i approached it the way i approach meeting people in general, i.e. let’s see if we’re compatible enough to be friends and see what happens. no pressure. (zero-to-dating relationships have always been very weird to me.. where’s the foundation?) and i’m not the only one who thinks this way- months later what i have is a friend that i met on a dating service that makes me laugh and think.. and a boyfriend i met in ‘real life’ with whom i am decidedly *not* compatible on x number of ‘dimensions’.. =P all in all i’d call it a win- it’s added a positive relationship to my life, and that’s what i really wanted.
And this is why I am still single….coz this guy emailed me his picture, and he was decked all out in Kiss make-up and it wasn’t even halloween!
I have given up internet dating and am gonna try the old fashioned way…in a bar drunk! hahaha
I like the ones that write in ALL CAPS. CAUSE WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY IS VERY IMPORTANT YA KNOW AND THEY DON’T HAVE TIME TO DEAL WITH SILLY THINGS LIKE THE SHIFT KEY.
Thank you. And I apologize for the caps.
From This Fish: I could not agree more! I delete those profiles post haste.
Great blog! I’ve done the internet dating thing intermittently for the last few years. I’ve finally given up on men. I bought a house and I have two cats. Sitting home on Saturday night used to have me drowning my tears in a bottle of wine. Today, it’s a relief not to be out in that craziness. I don’t think my standards are too high, I am worthy of someone special. I have to say at my age (44), hair is optional, but good teeth are a must. Above average intelligence and a sense of humor are also important. They say, if it’s meant to happen, it will. In the meantime, I am learning to enjoy my independence. Fish has inspired me to get out and have more adventures on my own. (I’m thinking of your Costa Rica experience.) I’m in OK, but TX guys are probably similar. Too many rednecks, and not enough gentlemen.
Hyper-pickiness is nothing more than a defense mechanism on your part. If you pre-reject everyone, they can’t reject you.
Instead of harping on everyone else’s flaws, maybe you should turn that oh-so-clever wit towards analyzing your own emotional problems, because THAT’S why you’re single.
But that might take effort, and a little bit of courage. Not nearly as much fun as stringing together a bunch of snotty comments and calling it an article…
Oh, no, no. See, that’s where you’re wrong, Pat. We call this a blog.
I love how brave (and wise) everyone is when they’re hiding behind the Internet.
You don’t have a jaw, do you?
Um, the best part about this post is the Hapsburg shout out. They just do not get enough attention in the blogosphere. hahaha!
Found your blog a while ago, but only just started to get into reading it. I almost peed my pants when I read the last Thursday post about names changed to protect assholes named Matt (or whatever the name was).
I tried to try online dating a while ago, but I was only ever contacted by guys who looked like they were still in prison for child abduction and/or molestation, so I never actually made it out on any dates. Not to mention, it seemed like all the guys in my area were about 20 years older than me.
My good wishes to all who are braving the wilds of internet dating. It didn’t work for me, but it’s different for everyone.
first things first – got to say i absolutely love your sense of humour! now, onto the internet dating thing … i want to say for the record that guys get dinged with more than our fair share of winners too. One I recall who was quite nice at first altho she didn’t quite match her pic, turned out to be bipolar and never shut up … after the first couple of dates she invited her self for a sleepover (ok I thought, I’m game) and she talked constantly in bed as well – nonstop – only lots of dirty words – hey I thought I’ve read about this – well it ran itself to the ground pretty quick believe me.
And I have two cats as well (both sweethearts) ….there’s not a monopoly on that either.
I think when we “expect” to meet someone or go out on the hunt, nothing happens. Many of the best things happen to us when we least expect it.
cheers!
If I hear a guy say one more time, “I renewed/extended my membership just to keep in contact with you” I am going to scream.
Also, if you feel strongly about something such as not having kids or preferring a certain education level, just admit it on your profile and get over yourself. I wasted months on a guy who insisted when we met that he also did not want children, but then “reconsidered” and talked of nothing else. (He’d chosen “Don’t Know” on his profile.) I’m all for compromise, but I can’t have half a baby. Jeez.
I also wanted to add… it seems like you really aren’t a fish who needs a bicycle. You want one, yes. But need? Ehhh… it seems like to me you are fine on your own!
I do believe the word you are looking for to describe pedophile moustache would be “molestache”…I know, I know. It’s almost as bad as Cankle (calf and ankle…when they become indistinguishable as a separate entity)
OK, I was ALMOST ready to check out eHarmony….but what my pea-pickin’ heart really and truly desires is Jamie. And I want to be Claire. Is that asking so much? I hope your Scotland is the land of Diana Gabaldon. I had a patient the other day who was going to spend 3 weeks in Scotland and his wife was a bonafide authority of her books. Och. Me wee heart yearns so….
My boyfriend and I met online and are both so thankful and happy to have one another… but boy oh boy what an odd experience up until I met him.
I learned I had to be super picky and and really trust my first instincts in sifting out undesirables, and in picking positive possibilities.
Just like anywhere there are guys online putting up a sweet front about wanting a relationship just so they can get you on a date and try to get some.
Previous to meeting my boyfriend, I did meet three very nice people (men) who’d had their share of bad dates and women who lied on their profiles.
It’s still a jungle out there! but it does make it easy to meet people you might otherwise never meet, and it is good dating experience- I had been out of the game for some time.
My favorites were the guys- with a photo no less- who listed their ages as easily 25 years on the optimistic side of things;)
wow! u guys are bitter…im come on u CHOOSE to do it…and its the same thing as going to a bar and getting a guy..you meet all kinds…i am not suprised most of you are single!
A bit harsh Fish.
I always thought average meant the person in question didnt feel like they had to hype themselves up. So- if we all have quirks – so doesnt that make it an average trait?
Still – if it works for you – great. I just wonder if your column would be as interesting if you dated average guys?
Anyway – good luck in your searches.
I tried the online dating thing for a while. I find that it’s a lot like karaoke…it’s more of a spectator sport! Good luck, and I hope you have better luck than me!
I could not disagree more, Mark. You’re basically selling yourself in a personal ad. And if your pitch is that you’re average – just like the next guy – what kind of a selling point is that? Come down to our car lot and buy this totally average car! It’s just like the one your neighbor has, only, without any special features! Um, yeah. No thanks.
I do see your point – really I do. It’s just that part of me wants to rebel against the whole internet dating scene. I just hate it being about the “supposed” hard sell tis all.
Have a lovely birthday.
Omigod. Yes, (mis)spellers. Ugh. I’ve been in the online dating world for a year and a half and I wish I had a dollar for every teacher that had bad grammar and spelling in their profiles.
But the ones I really dislike are the ones that describe themselves as “genuine nice guys, gentlemen or all around good guys” etc. and then at some point just stop communicating. No good bye or “I don’t think the chemistry is there,” just silence.
Hate them, just hate them.
Oh and guys lie about their weight as much as women. And their age, height, income, workouts……. Geez!
Fish & other posters – thanks for the suggestions on what to avoid in online dating. Those pointers will come in handy when I actually venture into the online dating world in the next few months.
Robert, I really like the idea of dating site and blog. If you ever find something like that, will you let us know?
[Whilst we agree in general with the premise of your torrent, it is more than slightly amusing to see you misspell "Habsburg" in one paragraph and then savage illiterates in the next. Perhaps beggars shouldn't be choosers? --Ed.]
From This Fish: Ah, but alas, you’re wrong. I refer you to this entry that presents “Hapsburg” as the alternative English spelling. Also, I studied the Hapsburg clan in Spanish, in the Prado, where their portraits are labeled “Hapsburgo.” So, go play know-it-all somewhere else. Unless you plan on being correct next time you pick at me, eh?
That was a good read. I tried the online dating thing briefly and I agree with all of it…If there is no picture, there is a problem, if they are creepy, I make fun, and if they can’t spell, they are out. I am so glad I don’t have to do that anymore.
AMEN sister! I’m right there with you. I am 38 and single by choice because I want a man in my life, but not because I’m desparate enough to settle for the first doofus that comes along. (I did that with my ex-husband. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way.)
I first tried out on-line dating when it was brand new and my friends and family were ready to have me committed to the nearest mental facility. BUT…times have changed and its much more acceptable. I think if a person is serious about meeting someone online they need to join one of the well known sites regardless of cost. Not wanting to dish out more than $12 for a chance to meet someone “wonderful” probably indicates someone that just wnats to play.
Oh my gosh Fish! I can’t stop laughing when I read this one!
Amen to all of the above!
Loved the post. I absolutely agree that it’s like a bar with the same loser to keeper ratio, just a whole hell of a lot more of them to wade through. I noticed you left out the number of middle aged men desperately looking to find someone 20+ years younger. Every other email I got was some middle aged man telling me he’d “grown up,” âmatured,â âwas ready to settle downâ etc.
Practical tip. Have a max three email limit (and the last should set up a meeting time). It’s hard to tell in email. They may seem compatible/sane on paper but be an instant dud in person. Usually you can tell in the first 15 seconds if they are worth a date. Why waste two weeks emailing them to get to that point? Either they will be a winner, in which case you want to be with them in person and start a proper relationship, or a loser, in which case it’s best to throw them back into the sea- quickly.
Good luck with your search! Think of it as an anthropological experimentâ¦
Consider it like human ebay, or in this case human eboy. Sifting through relics and fixer uppers. If nothing else it makes for great stories, one of my experiences landed me with a good looking architect with an obvious drinking problem and a penchant for picking fights with cab drivers. I wish you luck or atleast good material.
I absolutely agree with you, spelling is important, put some personality in your ad and don’t give up before you are even putting yourself out there. I just recently tried online dating and I lasted a week. ugh.
seriously, you might be my idol. everyone has suggested online dating but it creeps me out. i went out with one guy and the spark was totally not there. and really with the pictures and spelling. are these guys looking for idiots? or are they just plain idiots?
i’m so glad you talked about this!
It got to the point that if I saw someone interesting/cute in a bookstore or coffee shop, I wouldn’t approach them, because I didn’t have anything to go on, just…nothing. I’m a fan of online dating (but I could be prejudiced because it seems to have worked for me).
I’m also in a particulary interesting situation because my boyfriend’s father met his wife on Match, his mother has dated guys off match and so has his sister. He’s also got other friends trying Eharmony…so, he’s a decent, wonderful man who actually had peer group support for the whole thing.
I did the online dating thing a couple years back and provided my friends with a constant supply of laughs for a good year and a half. They were so sad when they no longer got the forwarded profiles of the goofy, scary guys I encountered or the post-date phone calls in which I was either laughing or crying and vowing to become a nun! I do believe it’s possible to find quality individuals online but it’s extremely time consuming and frustrating and I had no energy left for it after a year of it.
In addition to the standards like “please use spell-check” I have a couple profile no-no’s to offer to guys as well:
No dead animals or fish in your pictures.
No dorky hats.
No Halloween costumes in your photos!
Please say nothing about “I’m looking for a woman who wears blue jeans with her pearls”.
No “Great Date Ken” photos: posed by the fireplace in a tux, in a tight black t-shirt and jeans and then the requisite shirtless photo…
Also, no photos of you with your legs spread open to the camera!!!
Oh. my. gosh. This is the funniest article I’ve read in a Long Time. You hit the nail on the head, absolutely.