This story is for the turkey who suggested that we lay off the Lifetime Original Movies and stop imagining Bag Guys under the bed.
When I was in college, I had a roommate we’ll call Ann. Ann was from a wealthy family; her dad was the local diamond guy and the family name was splashed across dozens of not-so affordable jewelry stores all over the state. The Diamond family had a large, lovely and security-monitored home not too far from our college apartment.
One night, their youngest daughter went to bed, and somewhere in that fuzzy hour between sleep and awake, became aware of a hand on her leg. Coming from under her bed. Now, being half asleep, her brain decided that it just had to be Ann’s fiance, Cameron, playing a trick on her.
“Cameron! Get out!” she yelled.
When he didn’t comply, she grabbed that arm and yanked. And yelled. And then he did, indeed, get out. Only, it wasn’t Cameron. A stranger, with his pants around his knees, scrambled to his feet and made a run for it. The commotion brought her parents, and then the cops. By then, the man was long gone. But lest anyone suspect her of making up a horrific story, the cops documented an imprint they found in the carpet under her bed. The outline of a man who had laid very still for hour after hour. Waiting.
So, dearest Robert, you tell me to mind my imagination. But I have absolutely no doubt in my mind, that were something horrible to happen to me as a result of lowered defenses, you’d be the first person to suggest that I should be careful; it’s a dangerous world out there.
Over her lifetime, one in four women will be the victim of sexual assault. One in four of those will be assaulted by a total stranger. Often in her own home. The problem is, you don’t get to choose not to be the one in four. Or the one in sixteen. And that’s enough to convince me that checking under my bed and in my closets is not, in the least bit, irrational.
But, don’t you worry, Robert. Only roughly 7% of stranger-related sexual attacks will be perpetrated against men. You should be just fine.
Statistics courtesy of The Women’s Self Defense Institute and the National District Attorney’s Association. Don’t agree with them? Take it up with them. I’m not here to argue.
One in four.
And one in sixteen.
And I’m okay.
Aubrie: Makes ya feel lucky, or maybe even blessed, right?
And I mean this in the non-weirdest way possible…but…I love you. I follow your blog religiously and I had to comment because that post was so awesome. A flaming retort served on a silver platter
Fish: nailed it on blessed. Truly. I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody, but I wouldn’t change it either.
Fish, thank you for writing this. My guy friends and I have argued this many times.
great response. sometimes i think men, maybe because they don’t have to worry about is so much, forget how dangerous it can be for a woman.
if you haven’t yet read THE GIFT OF FEAR, pick it up asap! it’s a must read for every woman. i’ve given out many, many copies to girlfriends, co-workers, my mom…
I actually had something similar happen to me. I was visiting a friend who had a creepy neighbor living on the floor above him. In the middle of the night, I woke up to find the guy standing in my friend’s living room, touching me on the leg.
When he saw I was awake, he mumbled “Sorry, Sorry.” and headed for the door. I chased him there, slammed the door after him, bolted it, and then woke up my friend. Who, of course, didn’t believe me. (I’m still mad about it.)
Luckily, no harm done but I was throughly freaked out. I just wish I would have reacted faster and kicked out immediately when I woke up. But the whole situation felt so unreal that I didn’t scream or anything.
If anything like that ever happened again though, I know I wouldn’t be quiet. It’s not worth it.
When I lived alone, in a great neighborhood in NC, I had a HUGE lab. (Still have him, great dog!). I woke up in the middle of the night to him barking ferociously at the window. I screamed at him, told him to shut up and finally he did. The next morning I went to walk him (in fresh snow from the night before) and there were footprints by my window and my screens were slashed. I’ve never hugged my dog more. I’m very thankful to not be a statistic and if I didn’t have my wonderful dog, I have no doubt I would have been.
Even with the dog, when I came home late I would always make whoever was with me come in and check the closet, shower, etc. It’s sad that we are unsafe in our homes, but personally, I prefer to be safe than sorry. So, check every nook and cranny! I slept with a butcher knife under my mattress right by head, just in case (we had a serial rapist in the area). Just a suggestion, lol.
Good for you, Fish! Living alone, while it does have wonderful perks, like being able to walk around sans pants and feeling no shame for eating Doritos and cheese dip at 3 a.m., can be scary. We should all be aware of the dangers that are out there … and you can never be too cautious.
Quite a few years ago now, I was happily living alone in a sweet Victorian apartment when a pervert broke in one night and strangled me while I slept.
Long story short, he did not accomplish his supposed goal of raping me because I fought him off (and then even chased him down and seized my purse from his grip after he grabbed it on his way out).
The police believed he was a serial rapist that was loose in the city in those days. Even though it was thought he raped six women (one in her 60s) before my attack, this information was never promoted in the news. Even in a ‘safe’ little city like Portland, Maine these things happen.
As women, we must remain vigilant to the possibility of being attacked. Men do not understand because they have no concept of being stalked this way.
The end result for me? Eighteen years later I still wake at night and worry the house is not empty. But then I remember that when the **** hit the fan, I scared that asshole so much he dropped my purse and ran like a scared baby.
Yah
Fish great response!!
I’m right with you, Mish. I lived in an apartment with my lab, Willa. One night I woke to her barking wildly at the back door. She’s usually a mild-tempered dog, but something had her completely protective. From my bed I could hear someone yanking on my back door- luckily I had the deadbolt locked!
I called the police, and when they showed up they found that the back door knob had been completely ripped out.
Also, years ago when I was a young girl, my best friend and I had a sleepover at her house. It was summer, so we slept in sleeping bags on her screened back porch. We woke during the night to her lab mix growling, but shook it off. In the morning though, we saw that the screens had been cut mere feet away from our heads. The police took prints from the garden- it was a man’s construction boot.
Think of how my life would be different if some man had been actually able to reach my best friend and I then…
I was a sexual assault prevention educator in college– at that time, the feds said that for women ages 18-35, it was one in two to get sexually assaulted– and for boys under the age of (I THINK) 14, it’s one in ten. And for boys, it’s almost always someone they know. Thank you for having solid facts, and using them intelligently to let this idiot know that women are intelligent, and our fears are based in reality. It was kind of a relief to know I wasn’t the only one. I also hang bells on all the doors/windows, so I’ll hear if they get opened at night– except my cat thinks these are a good way to wake me up if it’s getting light outside and I’m still sleeping… sigh… Trade offs. Thanks again.
That post is awesome and should really be sent around to other women. I live in Miami and used to go clubbing pre-rehabbed South Beach (or The Beach as we refer to it). HOLY CRAP did I get lucky nothing happened to me. But, I can give you a whole list of things that had I NOT been careful would have really turned out wrong. Whoever says that’s over-reacting is a true wiener.
while i would like to thank fish for the post, i am now totally FREAKED out. As I was sitting here reading these post, i heard something bang the door of my closet in my bathroom. Mad me jump about a foot, lucky it was just a blanket falling…. but now i feel like calling someone to come spend the night!
Well said Fish. And to all of you who have survived attacks or near attacks, good for you! It’s unfathomable that these things happen so much and are reported so rarely. Women need to be informed so they can be more aware of the possibilities.
ooh, double-posting sorry, but I thought I’d share this real quick. When my grandmother was in the hospital a few years back, we took turns staying over. So, two of my girl cousins and I (thinking the same thing as WeinerMan that there’s nothing to worry about) stayed. During the night this man comes up to us and befriends us, tells us how his mom is also in CCU and really sick. We feel absolutely horrible and give him sandwiches, drinks, coffee (uh, typical Cuban family leaves enough food for an army) and basically console him.
The guy asks if we’re all staying together, and we tell him the story. He says, “Well, I’ll watch out for you girls because it can be dangerous out here.” We thought he was a really nice man. The next morning the police come to the waiting area with some print outs and ask if we’ve seen this man. When I look at the picture, I just about died. IT was the guy from the night before with BOLO over his picture! He was a serial rapist that put his mother in CCU.
Atta woman.
Great response – thank you. Even the most intelligent and sensitive of men will never understand what it is like to be a woman…to look in the closet, peek under the bed, look behind you when you are walking to your car, check the back seat before you get in, think twice before going out at night to meet friends, etc.
I am also one in 4. Kudos, Fish. Far better safe than sorry.
Thank you Fish. Most men will never understand how scary it can be being a woman. Most times we are probably more than ok, and it’s just a tree branch scratching the window, or a raccoon playing in the backyard, but who wants to take that chance?
Hey, well said! I’m not that scared these days, but your post reminded me of how scared I used to feel – back when I lived in a big old house with very dodgy security. My male flatmates never got it.
I don’t want to scare anyone, I just want people not to be ignorant of the dangers. And I want men to stop thinking we’re silly twits for having a healthy fear.
I was one of the 4 unfortunately. It happened to me when i was young and it was a person whom my family knew well and thought they could trust, apparently that was far from the truth. Thanks for bringing attention to this matter and warning others to be more cautious of their surroundings. Better safe than sorry.
I always dowel my windows and sliding doors. Just those thin, round pieces of wood, cut to fit the length of the space… I know that doesn’t help if a rock gets chucked at the glass-but at least it makes it so the window/door can’t be slid open.
1. You’re a Texan now right? Buy a gun and learn how to use it.
2. If you count prison rape – and you should, men are actually the leaders in the victim race.
My brother, who is a cop, told me never to produce a weapon I’m not prepared to have my attacker take and use on me. I’d have to be very comfortable with a gun to follow that advice with any confidence. Owning a gun is NOT the answer for me.
I’m currently planning a move to Baltimore for a job. As I was apartment hunting this weekend, every place I looked at seemed like a goldmine of opportunities for break-ins. In each place, I tried to imagine myself going to sleep at night in that room, and I just couldn’t. I’m currently living in a city, so I know how it goes, but geesh. After reading this post, it makes me think maybe it’s worth it to fork out an extra $300/month to get a nicer place. Not that a “nicer place” makes you immune to attack, but it does give you a little more peace of mind.
Ahhh, what a wonderful world…
Fish, I have to humble suggest your brother is dead wrong here. He carries one right? You’ll notice I mentioned that you should learn how to use it. Properly trained for a few hours – you would learn not just how to shoot it, but how to keep someone else from getting it.
I have to say you really need to look into this before the many other women who might read this believe they should not arm themselves. A handgun is the single most effective tool against personal attack.
Absent a HUGE commitment in time and energy studying and practising unarmed fighting, a woman with your height and weight would never stand a chance against a motivated adult male attacker. God made men and women, Sam Colt made them equal.
Ever since I was a kid, I ve always figured out escape routes out of the house in case I find a strange man in the house [and in my imagination, he's always knife weilding of course]. But living in SL, chances of walking out on the road and getting caught to a bomb are probably higher!
Ditto Jasmine –
” A flaming retort served on a silver platter”
The bit about not carrying a weapon that you are not prepared to have your attacker take and use on you, is something I haven’t heard before and is making me think. Even pepperspray?
Scott – I can’t help but point out that you seem to have included that stat in order to “win” some sort of contest. Like “Ha! See, men are bigger victims than you – so there!” Is that little nugget supposed to belittle a woman’s right to fear being assaulted?
And regarding your point, while I appreciate the severity of male prison rape, may I point out that both parties are criminals in PRISON. Rape is NEVER okay, of course, but it certainly doesn’t compare to an innocent person (man OR woman) being assaulted in his or her daily life in a place where he or she should be allowed to feel comfortable.
Sorry to jump on you – it just bugs the crap out of me when guys feel some sort of innate need to trivialize a fear that is very much based in reality.
Scott, my brother completes a mandatory 20 hours of training every year in using his handgun. When he pulls that gun, he’s wearing a bullet proof vest. And if he pulls it, his intent is to kill.
Unless you have the instinct to kill your attacker, without even the slightest hesitation, you could give an intruder all the opportunity he needs to strong-arm it from you. Because, chances are, if I’m attacked, I’ll be scared. And, as you pointed out, he’ll most likely be stronger than me. And it will never be my first instinct to kill. It won’t even be my second. And until it is, until I can pull a gun without, and without the slightest hesitation, fire and kill a man, a gun will be a liability, not a help.
I don’t want women reading this and thinking that running out to buy a gun is the answer. Awareness of your surroundings and following your instincts is, though.
Lindsay, I didn’t trivialize anybody’s fears. I merely mentioned the prison rape thing because I think it is an interesting and little known reality. And also because Fish seemed to poo poo male victims.
As far a innocent people, I think that some kid who’s busted for smoking a joint, or selling a joint who gets raped by some thug or thugs in prison is every bit as much a victim as a woman attacked in her home. Perhaps even more so as in the example of the prisoner, the state has removed his ability to keep a weapon to protect himself and gave the attacker access to the victim.
Actually, when he pulls the gun his intent is to stop the lethal threat he is facing that justified his pulling the gun in the first place. Perhaps that’s a bit too technical but an important distinction in the use of deadly force.
I agree that you shouldn’t have a gun unless you are well trained and have the mental preparation that would allow you to use it. I suggest that with proper training, you could overcome your lack of self preservation instinct, and that this is a good goal for you or anyone to achieve. You should want to be willing to use extreme force to protect your life from those who would take it.
Don’t say never.
As far as women “running out and buying a gun”, with proper training, that is the BEST answer for them being able to protect themselves against an attacker. Instincts and awareness won’t help once an attack has commenced.
I personally know 3 gals who have used a gun to successfully defend themselves against attack- a gun made it possible to keep their would-be-attacker more than arm’s length away. Baseball bat, knife- this sort of ‘weapon’ requires you to get close enough to the would-be attacker so he can be a successful attacker since he can reach the bat and you.
I don’t know anybody who has had their gun taken by an attacker and used against them. I’ve read about them. While this threat is used to scare women away from a handy and effective self-defense tool, the facts are that in the vast majority of cases when a woman is killed or injured with her own handgun in an attack, the attacker is her already known to be abusive husband or live-in boyfriend, not a stranger.
I’m also a 1 in 4 and a 1 in 16. I was 8 the 1st time. I fought off the stranger when I was 15. He took fright for no obvious reason and fled. I read about a neighborhood rapist later. Following my instincts means we have a gun.
I have kid
Sir Hal may not be able to protect you, but i’m reminded of an incident where my faithful feline was definitely a good “detector”. I lived in a first floor apartment. It was built on a hill and had a very tall foundation, so the bedroom window was about 15ft off the ground. It would’ve been almost impossible to see in the window. My cat always slept with me, but one night he wouldn’t get into bed, and just sat on the floor, staring at the window, making funny little noises. I asked him what his problem was (he didn’t respond). I turned my head quickly to the window and saw a man’s face pressed to the screen!!!
I screamed and called the police. Outside my window they found a huge plank propped against the building that this man had used to get up to the window, and a pair of womens underwear!!!
Even when we think we’re safe, we’re not!
Trust your kittens ladies! Get pets, not guns!
I have lost track of the number of times I’ve been groped while using public transportation, or followed – even in the public library. Do I say anything? No, I don’t. Because I think “Well, nothing really happened.” (Plus I’ve been bullied and beaten at home – guess that’s my benchmark. )
always when I know I’ll be out late at night, I make sure I have something sharp in my hand and shoes that I can run in.
The worst part for me isn’t even the risk of being attacked – you can just never be 100% safe. Period. What scares me the most is that if I do get attacked, I know that all of my actions and choices (eg what clothes I’m wearing) will get questioned. So, in addition to safe shoes and keys, I also think twice about what clothes I’m wearing.
Sicko world, eh? (And my views on guns aside, I live in a country with very restrictive gun laws. A can of hairspray is about the only thing I can carry.)
I too am one of 4. Good locks, security bars on windows and common sense. This all helps.
Good article Fish, but then most of your articles are good
Fish, I’m right there with you. I’m a volunteer at a rape crisis center, and have gone through hours of training. The first thing a police officer told us was that guns and pepperspray (sorry Sudha)are more often used against the women who carry them than against their attackers. The best protection is being aware of where you are and the situation you’re in. You’re better off armed with your wits than with a gun.
p.s. Fish, you rock
I lived alone in a 1st floor appt in a big city. I had two strangers broke in, in the middle of the night while I was home alone. Both were chased either by the cops or by a male neighbourg(Thank god, my male neighbourg was not dumb enough to think I was pulling off a little paranoid scenario).
While I do strongly believe in this little voice in your head that tell you something is wrong. (Sometime even when nothing is wrong and no sound is heard you can just sense a presence. It happened to me), from my experience, too much fear is counterproductive, it actually produce so much noise that it prevent you from hearing this little voice in your head. Not to mention that it has you live in fear.
I still live alone. Not on a 1st floor. I shut doors and windows thight. I learned how to scream and how to fight. I have a phone by my bedside. I took action. I’m not afraid. I don’t check under my bed. I lived in fear long enough after being assaulted. I won’t surrender my life and peace of mind to potential attacker
I agree with the point about the gun – if you have any hesitation about using it, don’t get it. Pepperspray or a Louisville Slugger may be better for you. Heck, a 9-iron works, too.
When I get my gun, I won’t have any hesitation to use it. But, my reason for getting it is because I live in a townhouse where the bedrooms are upstairs. If anyone makes it that far, especially in light of the barking dog he would have to brave to do so, he’s not there for tea. And woe to the person who decides to lie in wait for me up on that second floor…..
I would much prefer to defend myself on a manslaughter charge than to be a witness in an assault/b & e/attempted rape case against someone who would then have a grudge against me. For me, a .40 caliber hollow point in center mass is a much more final method of removing threats.
Thank you so much for writing this. It’s always best to remain vigilant about safety, it’s never wasted time or silly to do so. I randomly check closets, etc as well and am not ashamed to tell people. If all it does is make me feel better and I can fall asleep, then there’s nothing silly about that is there?
I can’t believe that people discounted your healthy fears. Even before reading this post about your friend in college, do readers not remember the horrible story of your NYC neighbor being murdered? Bad stuff happens, and you owning a gun isn’t going to protect you.
A dog might be a new adventure, though?!?!
I don’t know if all departments do this, but our local police department (in a large metro area) will come to your house/apartment and do a walk through with you to point out potential safety issues and suggest ways to fix them. Worth a call to your local PD.
And in answer to the question about Mace-I’ve always heard that you are much more likely to have it taken away and used on you than to actually stop a criminal with it.
Thank you for continually taking an intelligent stand for women!!
This series of posts (okay, 2) makes me think of a comment made on Grey’s Anatomy. “sometimes it hurts for a reason…” Sometimes we fear for a reason. And while we can be intelligent about our fears, they are there to protect us.
A truly excellent post and rebuttal to Robert.
And you are absolutely correct – a weapon should never be handled unless you are completely prepared to use it to kill or maim, and have said weapon used on you. Ladies – this goes for pepper spray as well. I learned this from my dad (US Army veteran), my good friend (a MA state police officer) and another friend who is a competitive marksman.
PS to Scott – a homeowner is far more likely to injure himself or a family member than to ward off an intruder, especially if you follow basic gun safety such as never leaving a loaded weapon accessible or keeping your ammo and weapon separate.
I am a 1 in 4 x2. The first time was in daylight at a mall parking lot when I was 17 and I scared the guy away by screaming and swinging a large flashlight frantically. The 2nd time was 14 yrs later in my own home where I did have a gun that was not loaded. I had a speed loader that I thought I could use quick enough… I couldn’t and the gun was taken from me and used against me. 7 hours later I was “released”. I now have a very large dog and a loaded gun next to my bed that I know how to use and will not hesitate to fire. In fact, this post by Fish is a reminder to me to go practice again and to get that pepper spray I have been meaning to get for my purse/car…
Fish,
I am one of 4
and one of 16
Keep checking under the bed and in the closets. And if anyone feels the need to make fun of you for it, have them talk to someone like me who didn’t check closely enough.
I’ve got to second the recommendation for Gavin de Becker’s Gift of Fear. He’s a security consultant, and the book is about learning to tell rational fears from irrational fears, and learning to listen to your instincts.
He’s also got some good info to share about stalkers and the best ways to get them to go away.
Loved the last post Fish and this one is so right on for single women! I luckily have a wonderful Australian Shepard living with me that would try to kill someone if he thought they threatened me. Luckily he only barks outside if he sees people within 20 feet or so of my house so if he wakes me up barking at night I always check to see what he is barking at.
Listen to Hal, if someone is sneaking around he may not actively show it but he will be uneasy. And I agree with your attitude about weapons. If you aren’t willing to shoot to kill an intruder (I would find it hard to do just protecting myself, for my kids I would have shot to kill though!) then you shouldn’t have a gun because if you shoot at them and miss or hurt them, they will turn your weapon back on you!
Keep up the great posts!
Gee, must be nice to never be afraid getting into your car alone at night. We live our lives on constant low level (sometimes high level) alert. It is just the way it is. Sometimes we live through a midnight craving for icecream, because it’s just a little to creepy in the 7-11 parking lot. And sometimes we take a deep breath and plunge across the parking lot to our car, when we’re the last one to leave the office.
They don’t make Lifetime movies about this stuff because it doesn’t happen. They make them because it does. Walk a mile in our stilettos, and then come post. And don’t you say a word about your sore feet.
I hate to be too repetitive, but I’m going to be anyway…
I don’t think anyone could have written this better. Thank you.
Luckily I do have a boyfriend who fully understands the potential danger to women, so he makes sure if I’m at his place after dark I sleep over and even when I leave during daylight he wants me to call and let him know that I made it home safe. Truthfully it’s one of the things that I really love about him because I can be afraid and I’ll be protected instead of being told that I’m being irrational.
Haha love it. I don’t know who this Robert fellow is, or what he said in his original comment, but clearly he’s a jackass. It’s a sad truth, but women have to be cautious. Really careful. Pretty much all the time.
Take back the night!
The first thing I saw on the news this morning was that a woman was raped and robbed yesterday morning at 4:45am in her apartment in Logan’s Circle (D.C.).
I have, fortunately, only been held up at gunpoint and witnessed my neighbor getting car-jacked (separate occasions, and yes, I did help my neighbor).
All in our nation’s capital.
Hi. While women can fall prey (sorry) to the statistics, and we need to be aware, be alert and be prepared, we also need to not live in fear. One of the main ‘turn offs’ is if a woman walks with confidence. Most don’t want a struggle or a hard time. (my mom is big on sharing articles and making us watch alert shows when we were younger).
Also, i completely agree with Fish. My ex was a marine etc, and comfortable with guns. I’m not a fan of guns, but understand their usage; IF you can handle it being turned on you. If we dont know how to use it, we wont have confidence in it, etc etc, and it can be taken and used on us. Just FYI.
With that said, I still check my house. I still make sure all of my doors are locked. I own a dog and am also trained in martial arts. Though my loved ones tell me I’d just pray for the guy as I beat him up : )
When I lived alone with just my (paranoid for the both of us) cat, I had an ‘escape route’ planned, just in case. It always amazed me when people, both men and women, thought I was being silly. Kudos to you for a great blog!
Vigilance is a good thing. So are deadbolts and locked doors and doormen and buzzers. I like those things. I use them (well, not the doorman. My building doesn’t have one).
However, I am far more concerned with the men I know. Having been a victim of acquaintance rape (a coworker, not even a boyfriend), I’ve learned to raise my defenses in the places most people let them fall.
So sure, lock your doors. But don’t go to lunch alone with the new guy, either.
You need to get some mace and a taser and a bat and a loud dog. All those statistics scare me.
Thank you Fish for writing this and your response to Robert. I am also a 1 in 4, I was raped by our class president in high school. You can never be to careful. And I think the advice your brother gave you was brilliant regarding weapons and makes more sense. I have a child and I am not about to put a gun in my house with a child. I choose instead to be vigilant regarding my surroundings.
So I just found and read Robert’s original comment. Men can just be so insensitive. I hate when men reference Lifetime movies like we (women) all know exactly what they are talking about.
Things men should stop talking about: abortion, pregnancy, being afraid of the man hiding in the closet. They can just never understand.
Amen.
Every time I get in the car I check the backseat and lock all my doors. I’ve been called paranoid by my friends and family but I’d rather be safe than sorry. You can never be too careful.
Well said Fish! This comes on the heels of the Connecticut tragedy where two men broke into a suburban house and killed a mother and two daughters after torturing them for hours.
Always trust your gut and act on it. If you think something isn’t right – don’t be afraid to look foolish, act on it immediately.
Thanks for the vital stats on violence against women.
Yes, thanks for this. I was always low-level afraid when I lived alone. I was not only 1 in 4, but I was also stalked on 2 different occasions I know of. Once by the same creepy phone caller (who was never ID’d) for three years. Having a man in the house has made me much less fearful, for better or worse, but I still have one eye on every dark corner and stranger when I’m out. And I hold my keys in stab-your-eyes-out mode, and I’m proud of it.
Your site continues to amaze me.
I’ve found the best thing is to learn self-defense and have the right mindset (prep) and common sense. That no matter how scared you are, you should never be ashamed of what you may need to do to survive. Becausing surviving means you are no longer the victim, but you are also the victor.
My take on mace and pepperspray is that you need to test-spray every so often so that it doesn’t get old, and what person would remember to carry mace on herself 24/7, you know?
You’re absolutely right, common sense and knowledge of self-defense stays with you 24/7…and for life.
I can highly recommend getting a dog. We have a Staffy and I could sleep with the door open. Sweet family dog and very attentive & protective. The sight of him would scare off most any criminal, I’m sure. We have a cat as well and they sleep curled up around eachother. Do you like dogs, Fish?
i think men sometimes consider women overdramatic on this topic. however, in a lot of cases, men are more vulnerable because they let their guard down. for example, in reverse to the low percentage of men who are sexually assaulted, there is a much larger percentage of men who are robbed or mugged. officers have told me in the past this is because they don’t look for the signs of danger.
i don’t know if i could ever live alone – i’d freak out all the time. more power to ya.
Just read this.
Hope this way far away from you.
I second the recommendation of the Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker. It has really useful suggestions. GdB said, most men’s deepest fear is that women will laugh at them; most women’s is that men will kill them. I think that’s true, and most men don’t understand it.
I am not generally a frightened person – but recently I became very scared when, alone on the road, a man began following me. He turned when I turned, he stopped when I stopped. Luckily, a cop drove by and he left.
Re guns – I am a southern woman, and I own two and know how to use them. You should not own a gun if you are unwilling to fire it (or it should be small, so that it will hurt less when it gets shoved up your a$$). That said – any man who can take a gun away from you can beat you and cut you just fine without one, too, and I’d rather be shot that tortured. You should also realize that only 20% of handgun wounds are fatal – you only need to be willing to shoot the center of mass, and leave it to God whether the guy lives or dies.
Right on!! I am totally aware of my surroundings becasue of what happens out there to women.
I always make sure my car is locked so I won’t get carjacked. I make sure all the windows & doors are locked at my place when I’m not home. I make sure I have my keys in hand when leaving a store. I look around & I’m aware.
I’ve always looked under beds & in the closets. Most women I know have done this or still do this.
It’s all very normal for us aware women to do these things to protect ourselves from the looney tunes out there.
Snap. You nailed it girlfriend.
One of the things I’m most frustrated about is not being able to go running at night. I work all day, and all winter long I can’t run outside like I want to cause of fear. It’s frustrating.
And for another creepy story: A couple weeks ago my best friend came home at 1:30 a.m. (she was staying at her parents’ house in a supposedly safe suburban neighborhood). She was changing into her pajamas and had the lights off because her little sister was sleeping in the room. She heard something outside her window, and thought it was an animal. But, she listened closely and decided it most definitely sounded like a human. She said “hello?!” and flicked on the light. All she saw against her bedroom window was a video camera pressed against the glass and the person jumped off the trampoline outside the window and ran away. She told me, “I don’t know who it was or what they where doing, but someone out there most definitely has my bare breasts on camera.”
Ewww.
Oh, sorry to double post, but…also re guns, that statistic that a gun is more likely to be used against someone in the same home is not true if you take away the suicides. Grim, I know. That said, NO ONE should own a gun if they aren’t comfortable using one and don’t know gun safety backwards and forwards.
I agree that woman’s best bet for safety is understanding and trusting her instincts. Of course, nothing any one person does will make the world 100% safe, especially not for women. It’s an atrocious reality. (It also makes me angry when men don’t hold doors for women or give up seats to pregnant women on the metro, and say, “you wanted it equal.” They don’t have any clue what real “equal” would be like.)
Sarahcate, your statement about even the most sensitive men not understanding is unwarranted. Although I may not be the most sensitive man on earth, I understand this threat seriously. It comes naturally when you have a little sister to watch out for when growing up. And I’m sure there are other men who grew up with a little sister would understand this as well.
I’m so overly protective, as my sister calls it, that she gets annoyed. When we were both in college, I’d often walk with her to her apartment after hanging out, as she lived on Greek street.
Even now as an adult, whenever I date a girl who live in a sketchy neighborhood, I will always walk her to door at the very least, if not invited in for a drink, or even if she didn’t turn out to be someone I would date. (Trade off is that she would think I liked her.)
Basically my point is, not all men don’t understand this. I do. Most men who have a sister will likely do, too. Just because Robert is a [blank] doesn’t make us all the same as him.
I live in a very small town with very little crime. We haven’t even had a homicide in years YET … I too compulsively check doors and windows which are kept locked at ALL times (even in the day when we are home). Trust your gut instincts. Take a self defense class and practice the techniques.
Gretchen – i live in dc and haven’t seen this story. where did you read it? i work near logan circle. scary.
not related – but – hope all is ok in Dallas. Just read about the gas tank explosion.
Having been through a 7 hour ordeal and survived, I can honestly say that I have no doubt of my ability to use a gun. If for some reason the attacker is able to get my gun away from me, he will not get teh satisfaction of using it against me other than to take my life. Never again, I would rather die.
Thank you Fish. As a 22-year-old recently out in the “real” world, I’ve always tuned out my mother’s constant worries and advice about safety. Your post has definitely made me more aware of my surroundings and made me take my personal safety more seriously. Thank you to the women who have stepped up and shared their experiences, you’ve made me realize I could easily be one of four too.
Oh, I was just reminded me of a girl I dated once. KN was a collegiate athlete, and about 5’10″. She also lived near me, and whenever we return from a date by way of the L (Chicago for subway), we have to walk a couple blocks of sketchiness. She always got annoyed when I switched sides so I walk on the side of the sidewalk. I know with her strength she can defend herself, but for me it was instinct to always look around, and especially when we get near the alleyway, I’d slow down and grab her closer to me. Most girls like this, but not KN. Sometimes, it is the girl who plays down the fear.
Here are a couple tips I’d share with you readers. When walking home at night from the subway station, turn down your iPod and leave one earpiece off. I’ve walked behind many lone slow girls who couldn’t even hear me say excuse me when I pass. And make use of those glass windows on buildings. Pretend to check yourself out, but look behind to know how many people are behind you. When you cross an intersection, [to be cont'd]
[cont'd] make sure you look behind again, because other people may have turned the corner, thus leaving just you and one other person walking in the next block. You absolutely have to be aware of your surroundings continually, as situations constantly change. If it is just you and a questionable guy getting off a quiet station, and he seems to be following you, stay at the station and talk to the station officer. Another practice is to dial 911 on your cell and keep your finger on the “Talk” or “Connect” button until an imminent danger is present. You don’t have to talk on the phone, but just call it and scream loudly. Dispatchers will instantly recognize a real danger.
And if you have mace or pepperspray, test them routinely, but outside in the open air. Finally, memorize the locations of blue light emergency boxes of your most frequented neighborhoods (ie work/home/gym). During the day, just walk to it and familiarize yourself how to activate it (usually a button).
Ok, now I’m checking under my bed. And to echo a few other comments, I don’t think men really, really get what it’s like to have the fear of being overpowered.
Some years ago I had a co-worker have her home broken into by another co-worker who had a crush on her. She woke up with him on top of her. When I tried to get this taken care of at work, the men “in power” somewhat diminshed what she had been through because of her reaction. Uh, it’s called shock. I was outraged. I asked them what they would’ve done if it was their wife, daughter, or sister. They gave me a blank look. They just never got it.
John, i think it’s an issue of being men being able to sympathize (as a big brother, or a man who’s a truly good friend to women can) but not being able to empathize (since they never really live the day-to-day of that low-level and/or high-level fear).
and Mary Cait is right – as scary as stranger assault is, based on Fish’s stats, three times more women will be sexually assaulted by someone they know and possibly trust. now THAT’S scary.
Kate.D, I will be the first to admit that the advice I suggested in my comments above are some I actually practice myself. Not that I routinely check myself out in glass reflections. Living in the city, I still have to worry about getting robbed at knife point. And good neighborhoods like where the Wrigley Field is are of no exception, as a few of my friends have been robbed at gun point at many places thought to be safe.
I’m a runner. My workout consists only of running, not bench pressing. I don’t have the upper body strength to fight like most men. So I do worry when I walk in some sketchy blocks of my neighborhood, and have fear when another man sizes me up. I can only imagine that if some nights I’m fearful, what a girl must have felt.
Every time I get off the L, the first thing I do is shut off my iPod and become attentive. Unlike the statistics, I don’t blindly believe that I can handle dangerous situations. I’m a realist. In all my life, I have dialed 911 with my thumb on the “Talk” button twice.
Fish, amen to everything you said here. You are right on! And whether a woman wants to get a gun or not is a very individual choice. I look forward to having a glass of wine with you tonight!
Very nice! Thanks for the story and the reminder that I need to be careful.
True, I’ve lost count of all the girls I’ve known that have had similar harm done to them. You can NEVER be too careful.
Fish, while I totally agree with all that you have written, I have to get on my soapbox briefly to say that statistically speaking, adolescents are more likely to be harmed by those who are intimate with them than by strangers. Those stats may change as we age but since I only work with the kids and adolescents, I focus on them. Sadly, media sensationalizes stranger assault/rape/abuse without focusing on those more likely to assault/rape/abuse: those who are intimate with the victims- fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, babysitters, teachers….you get the idea.
Nonetheless, well said!
I’d consider that any stat coming from the District Attorney’s association would be weighted towards stranger rape reports. My experience is that people assaulted by complete strangers who broke into their homes are much more likely to report the crime than people who erroneously believe their own choices contributed to their assaults. DAs can only report stats on the cases they know about – namely ones passed along by police.
Other research usually reflects that only 10-15% of sexual assaults are at the hands of strangers. The numbers are higher for more urban areas – and lower for more rural.
well said
the man in my life lectures me on a regular basis about my habit of running after dark, even though I live in a very “safe” neighbourhood – my argument being that I always take Maggie (my trusty golden retriever) with me, and for rarely locking my door when I head out to run with said dog or go to the store or where ever
then there was a violent home invasion 3 blocks from my house
I’m listening now
Being a 1 in 4 and a friend of a 1 in 16…thank you for this. And thank you to everyone for listing that book, I’ll get it tomorrow!
Amen! Fear is a gift. We are born with it. Animals have it that’s why they run when they sense danger. We have it, but as women we are taught to suppress it throughout our lives to be the nice ones, the ones who should second guess their gut feelings. We women are written off as too emotional, unreasonable, and that our female “intution” is a result of too much “lifetime channel” movie marathons, but the truth is we all have that gift of fear, and we should not be made to feel bad when something doesn’t feel right. As Gavin De Becker said in his book The Gift of Fear, “We can tell ourselves that violence just happens without warning, and usually to others, but in service of these comfortable myths, victims suffer and criminals prosper.” You keep checking under your bed and in closets. You have a gift.
This reply is to ‘j’ in DC: Hope you see this! I heard the story on Channel 4 news (before 7am). I don’t even know if it made the papers.
Not that every day in DC isn’t crime-infested, but the summers are especially terrible (due to more tourist targets?). I remember last summer’s ‘high profile’ crimes in Georgetown, the Mall and Dupont being terrifying to hear.
Be safe!
*applause*
you are all amazing. Thank you fish for writing this and thank you, everyone else, for sharing your stories, experiences and advice.
Men just don’t get it sometimes….
John, those are very good tips. I use many of them myself. You just always have to be aware of your surroundings…male or female. Females mainly for bodily assaults (as well as robberies) and males mainly for robberies.
For my junior and senior years in college I had four girlfriends that I did everything with. We called ourselves The Fab Five.
We didn’t know it when we became friends, but before we met four of us had been sexually assaulted in our teens. FOUR out of five.
So no, Robert, Fish isn’t overreacting. And I have three friends who’d agree with me.
Lindsay – I’ve lived in Baltimore for a few years now, and I know of some pretty fortress-like buildings.
My best tip would be to look in the Charles Village area near JHU- after 2 undergrads were murdered in a semester, the University invested millions of dollars in security. Now there are paid off-duty cops, campus police officers, and security guards roaming around at all times, in cars, on bikes, on segways, and on foot. The whole neighborhood is continuously monitored by closed circuit camera. Some of the apartment buildings also have guards, and there are a few secure doorman buildings too.
If you want specifics, leave a comment with your email or url; Balto can be a scary, scary place!
I must say, kudo’s with the reply to the man from the other post.
I’m 22, and live in a pretty “safe” neighborhooh, 20 minutes from St. Louis which has recently been named the most dangerous city in the US. Granted, stats are skewed because of a couple of variables…but I always go to the bars over there, with a friend who is smaller than I am, and drink and dance and stuff, and never really worried about things like this. Of course, strength in numbers, having hundreds of people on the street makes us feel better, cause we could call rape.
Anyway. Long story short, I will be being much more careful now, after reading personal accounts and such. I did live in the house alone for awhile and was always cautious but still. Thank you for writing this. All of your posts are awesome, and this just keeps it up. Kudos
You are so wonderful, Fish.
I am not 1 in 4 but I do have a childhood full of rape and abuse by my father. I think that made me “aware” of the power that men can have over me. I’m not scared but I do pay attention to my surroundings. On two occassions, I had a man attempt to follow me home but instead I drove to the nearest police station. When my sons moved out of my house, they wanted me to buy a gun, I’m not ready to do that so instead I had an alarm system installed. This post has made me realize how many chances I’ve taken in regards to being alone with a man I don’t know too well, giving him opportunity to rape if he was so inclined.
I will buy the gift of fear tonight.
Somebody somewhere freaked me out about rapists hiding in the shower. To this day I come into the apartment after work, put my purse and mail on the table and walk into the bathroom and check the shower. I know it’s weird and yet it’s a habit I will not break because you just never know. (the only reason I don’t check under the bed or in the closet is because there’s just too much crap in those locations. the guy would have to the be the size of a pencil and in that case – I know I could take him.).
Love your blog – enjoyable read.
Hi Fish,
I’ve been reading your blog since you first started years ago in Boston. This is the first time I’ve commented.
When I was 7, I was attacked by my babysitter. Luckily my mother & father were very supportive and I ended up testifying against him. He went to jail for many years, during which it was revealed that he had done this same thing to many other young girls in our neighborhood. I was the first that told. I have always carried that lesson with me.
I moved to NYC last year, and was held captive in a single-person bathroom at a nightclub by a basketball player. Through force of will & luck I was able to escape. I ran and told the bouncer who grabbed the man and put him in police custody. One year later, I testified in front of a jury and won (one of the fastest verdicts my judge had ever seen!). He will register as a sex offender for the rest of his life, and serve 4 years in jail.
To all women who are attacked, please make the effort to speak with the police. While it is difficult to re-live, it can also be hugely cathartic & empowering. I stopped having panic attacks after I testified, and knowing I’ve prevented him from EVER doing this again makes me sleep better at night.
Howdy, I’m just starting a Swedish site about loaders, hope to find som inspiration here.