He never calls. In fact, he had never called me on this phone ever – the one I’ve had since I changed my phone number way back when. I actually checked. Scoured online records to be sure. My father had not called me in almost two years.
So when he called the day after Christmas, I was surprised and delighted. I was not suspicious, because it’s not in my nature to be. It’s in my nature to be happy when someone calls. To love being remembered. Do you know there’s nothing that scares me more than being forgotten? I’d rather be resented, or even hated, than never thought of at all.
When he called, he was upbeat; this is not common. He wanted to talk about Christmas. I hadn’t opened his present yet, I told him, we were celebrating a bit late this year. I would call him on Saturday. But on Saturday, he didn’t pick up; this, on the other hand, is very common.
When I got his text on New Year’s Eve I was confused, but not because of the fever or the painkillers. The man hasn’t mastered the fine points of voicemail and he’d suddenly learned to send text messages? Still, I thought, This is good. He’s reaching out! To me! I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and pressed the green button.
Dad: Did mom accept my peace offering or not
And all at once, by the glow of my cell phone, everything was illuminated. Calling me on Christmas was not about me. Sending me a Christmas present for the first time in five years was not about me. It was a smokescreen. A gift-wrapped Trojan Horse to gain access to my mother.
Me: Yes, she did. She’s sending you a thank-you note.
But then, I was wide awake, spurred up and out of bed, my skin stinging from the shock of cold and the pain of fever. And I was filled with ugliness and rage. Hurt, anger, malice. I paced between my bedroom and the kitchen, flinging insults into the darkness, hurting him in secret. I pictured him obsessing over her, buying that CD – one she won’t have any reason to listen to, one that reaches back years, to my early childhood, when they may actually have been happily married. And I wanted to scream at him to fucking let it go. She doesn’t think about you!
Me: Please don’t use me to get to Mom.
Plaintive and simple, as though I hadn’t asked him a dozen times before. As though this time he was going to keep his promise. I clicked the phone to silent, dug my toes into the carpet and threw it. I heard the crack of the battery as it hit somewhere in the dining room, knew I’d be gathering up the pieces in the morning. I ground my back molars together and went back to my room. This time, I thought, when he calls, I’m really going to let him have it.
But of course, he never did. Because he never calls.
Thanks for sharing, Fish. It’s so hard when you just want to have a connection with someone and all they seem to do is abuse it.
I’m really sorry….I wish there was something I can say, and the only thing is…sometimes throwing things, does in fact make you feel better.
He probably knows you’d let him have and that is why he didnt call. He should know, because what hes doing is hurtful.
I’m sorry, Heather. You deserve better than to have that happen.
That’s so sad. I understand your anger and hurt but I also feel for him and the pain that has left him such a damaged man.
Ugh. Holidays and families. They induce an aura of optimism that makes us believe in miracles, which just hurts more when we’re inevitably disappointed.
But I am impressed you stood up and spoke (or texted) your mind. And nothing feels better than the cell phone throw!
What’s even more maddening, is he probably has no idea that it even hurts you. He is a man…most of them are not wired right.
I’m so sorry that he’s treated you like that.
My dad has been like that throughout my life too. BUT, this Christmas I got him one of those personalized gifts cards to Borders with my picture on it…maybe to remind him that I’m here? I told him I always wanted to be famous and this might be as close as I ever come. His response was this: “You’ll always be famous to me.”
And with that, the 31 years of hurt didn’t seem as significant. Maybe someday your dad will see how amazing you are!
i agree with ian, he’s definitely in a lot of emotional pain. plus, the mental illness on top of it doesn’t help things.
you were very brave to state your feelings in such a succicnt and explicit manner. bravo!
Your Mom is remarried isn’t she? Where is his head – thinking that she would even give a darn that he ‘thought’ of her….
I am sorry. I am glad my Dad has moved on. I hope yours can too, someday.
You could never be forgotten, Fish. Ever.
Just to return the ‘sharing’ favor…
I am estranged from my father. He sends checks at my birthday and christmas. I let my girlfriend open the cards (and discard them and any other contents) and I take the money (which I don’t feel guilty about only because my mother says it’s the least he owes me). My father, the alcoholic, abusive, brainwasher. I’m so happy to be losing the memory of what he looks like.
Thanks for telling a small part of your story.
Unfortunately I can relate to this entry all to well. I too haven’t spoken to my father in a little over 2yrs. My parents divorced when I was 7 & he was always an absent dad, meanwhile I tried to be the peacemaker. What finally did it for me was when he forgot my 25th b-day & even after I called him out on it, there were no apologies & not even the slightest hint of guilt. When he did call, I too realized that the call was not even about me, but in fact he was asking about my brother. I was getting married in 2 months & I never had the intention of letting my father walk me down the aisle, instead I asked my brother. My dad tried to throw the guilt on to me, letting me know how hurt he was that I wasn’t letting going to let him walk me down the aisle. I don’t know why he was so surprised my sister did the same thing when she got married 5yrs. earlier. Finally I had been able to see what she saw all along. What hurts the most is that he never even tried to make it right, he just let it go like we never mattered
Throwing phones is very therapeutic, but so very onesided. Sometimes it’s better to let them have it, than to hold it in.
I’m so very sorry. I’m wishing you (all) healing in this New Year …
It is terrible when your parents disappoint you. I have been estranged from my mother for 13 years. It is difficult sometimes but I try to remember that I am a better person without her in my life. It was very difficult to cut the ties but it was the only way I could keep my sanity. I am sorry that you had to deal with this during the holidays. Here’s to a new year without any parental pain.
i’m so sorry that he can hurt you like that. i’m even more sorry that he doesn’t seem to think anything’s wrong with what he’s doing.
i’ve been a faithful reader for only a few months now, so i’m not sure if you standing up to him is characteristic or if the bravado was a side effect from the mucus… but nonetheless, you should be proud of yourself for speaking (texting) your mind. that’s hard to do with anyone, but i can’t imagine how much harder it must be with your father.
Isn’t it frustrating when your parent acts like a child and you have to be the adult?
And KUDOS to you for stating your needs so clearly and politely. Here’s hoping he’ll listen.
Under similar circumstances I was once given some advice that I actually found helpful. Itâs not about him (father, boyfriend, girlfriend, the boss, the baker), itâs about the relationship *you* wish you two could have. So while it may hurt, getting angry at the other party will resolve absolutely fck all. Acceptance of the situation (âhe doesnât give a fig and it sucks big time but Iâll liveâ type of thing) is the most energy efficient way I, personally, found to deal with the stuff.
I’m sorry. My bio-dad pulls that bull**** every few years too. It sucks, I don’t answer his calls anymore.
Every time I read an extremely sad story like this, I vow to be a better dad today than I was yesterday.
There’s something very cathartic about cracking a cell-phone against a wall isn’t there? a family situation caused me to do that this year, and I have to say taht I think the phone throwing incident was more beneficial then two months of therapy.
I’m sorry you are delaing with this.
Best wishes for a very happy 2008!
guys suck. even when they are your dad.
sorry
Sending you a virtual hug, {{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}!
Sorry about your Dad problems and I hope your health is doing better.
My father left us when I was 16 and never heard from him (no letter, no phone calls, he just vanished) until 15 years later (he had a new family). Of course he was very sick then too and he needed money for his medications. I helped him out by sending him the money and spoke to him over the phone twice, thatâs it. He never once said he was sorry for what he did which broke my heart further. He died a year ago without me seeing him; I didnât attend his funeral as I was a million miles away. I know I shouldnât feel guilty but I do. I hope you eventually reach some sort of understanding with your father, he is still a big part of your life.
Good for you – I’m glad you let him know that his behavior was not okay. You deserve so much better.
That made me cry! I am so sorry.
Jeez.
That story makes my skin crawl, and invokes pity within me for him, and a defensive instinct of sorts. I’m sorry. But you were well within your rights with your response, and got your message across clearly and cuttingly quick.
I once smashed my phone into 5 pieces. It was worth it. The boy who caused me to break it wasn’t.
I can’t imagine what you are feeling, but I wish your dad knew how he’s making you feel.
*hug*
It must really hurt to find out he can still hurt you. I’m sorry you have to deal with this, but glad you get good support.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. While I was reading this post, I felt a sense of familiarity because my dad does the exact same thing. He only calls to discuss my sister or my mom. He has no regard for what he may be doing to me and it sounds like your father does the same thing. I’m so sorry. You deserve a better parent than him. If anything, please take a little comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this; others feel exactly as you do and although it’s hard this small fact makes it a little easier to swallow.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. While I was reading this post, I felt a sense of familiarity because my dad does the exact same thing. He only calls to discuss my sister or my mom. He has no regard for what he may be doing to me and it sounds like your father does the same thing. I’m so sorry. You deserve a better parent than him. If anything, please take a little comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this; others feel exactly as you do and although it’s hard this small fact makes it a little easier to swallow.
I’m bad, because I would take it a step further than the phone. I’d call my mom and beg/demand that she send the stupid cd back! It’s great to have a mom on you side that you can vent your frustrations to. Here’s to hoping that your cell phone plan covers replacement due to breakage as a result of frustration caused by family member stupidity!
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. I haven’t talked to my father since last Christmas. He has a new son to worry about.
Even when I did have some sort of relationship with him after my parents split he would always use me to get to my mom. He would tell me how sad he was without her, give me the whole guilt trip hoping I would relay the messages. He would make excuses to come inside and see her. It really makes me sick that someone can treat their children that way.
Now I pay him no mind, I would rather not talk to him at all anyways.
Keep your head up.
There’s a lot of hate out there.
Just wanna say that having a Y chromosome doesn’t automatically make one a nasty SOB.
I’m sorry you got stuck in the middle again Heather, but I’m even happier youre prepared to do something about it.
Take Care.
Oh this is so sad. I’m so sorry for your pain and the suffering he’s caused.
Adding to what everyone else said. I’m sorry. That sucks monkey balls.
I need your help. I want to travel to the UK and stay there for at least 6 months (and preferably work there, as well) Any advice. Feel free to email me at afrosupastar@gmail.com
Thanks a bunch of bananas!
I feel your pain, I’m also dealing with a dad who just shreds my heart.
Today is 8 years without my mom. And my dad has dealt with the grief via the bottle.
I’ve given up asking him to quit drinking. Intervention has not worked. Instead, I beg him to not call me when he’s drunk – especially when I’m at work.
And of course, he calls me at work this morning, maudlin and slurring his words.
I want to comfort him but I get so angry at the same time.
I wish there was something I could say, Heather. But words just aren’t enough.
Oh Heather, I’m so sorry. I went through something very similar with my father, and I really understand how much it hurts. Hang in there, sweetie. We are all thinking of you.
I left home at the age of 16. I was abused almost daily, by my mother. She had the anger illness. I had verbal, mental, emotional as well as physical abuse, starting in the 5th grade. I got tired of the daily abuse and when I saw the opportunity, at the age of 17, to go away to college, I took it. I always blamed myself, thinking it was my fault. Now I am highly educated and rich by American standards. I have learned that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifferent. My father died and my mother still hates me and tries to control me. I never get any phone calls, birthday cards, presents etc. So I treat myself to lots of xmas presents and during the winter holidays, I travel to warm places such as New Zealand, Australia etc. In my opinion living a good life is the best revenge. Writing about is therapeutic also.
I’m so sorry Heather, but I know the feeling all too well. I told my dad I wanted therapy for Christmas — he only thinks about 3 things: 1. HIMSELF, 2. hurting my mom, 3. fixing my sister (whose eating disorder he blamed on me). So far, no word on getting my Christmas wish, but then again I’ve been ignoring his calls.
Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry. I’m sure you’re not looking for sympathy, or even empathy, but you have both from me. I have daddy issues, too. I don’t even know you, but I think you’re fabulous and deserve to be loved and doted on unconditionally by your father. Therapy and several books, especially one titled “Father Hunger,” have been critical in helping me resolve similar issues. Best wishes, dear.
I’m lucky to be very, very close to my dad, which is why I know how much that must’ve hurt. But it takes courage to come out in the open and say that it hurt.
Heart-wrenching.
And from all the comments here, I can tell you this, you will definitely not be forgotten by anyone here.
And this is the first time I’ve read your blog and that’s saying something.
Ugh. So sorry that happened, but I give you a lot of credit for being so strong. Hang in there.
Hope you’re feeling better!
I get mad at my dad sometimes, but after reading your post, I think he’s a saint. Hang in there!
Your story brings to mind Don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec teachings and book, The Four Agreements. In particular, his second Agreement seems fitting:
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Something to think about…
Julie for WOW!
Your story brings to mind Don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec teachings and book, The Four Agreements. In particular, his second Agreement seems fitting:
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
Something to think about…
Julie for WOW!
I find a lot of blog inspiration from my dad too! In December, I wrote that I wasn’t ready for xmas yet, because my dad hadn’t returned repeated calls. He still hasn’t. The last text message: Dad, I hope you are Ok. Pls. let me know. I’m worried.
I’m not a “holy roller,” but I do go to church, which has taught me to forgive him, again and again and again.
That’s all we can do.
Very Same instance just happened to me. My dad called me a few days after xmas.(I was pissed that he didn’t call me for Christmas)My dad NEVER calls me either & to make things worse I NEVER see him and he lives less than 15 miles from my front door!!I talk to my mother more than my father,& my mother doesn’t even live in the same state as I do! So my dad calls & eventually I find out why. B/c my mother was worried about me after a few days of not being able to contact me so she actually called my father(both my parents have been remarried for more than 11 years now)which she never does for obvious reasons(they had a Very nasty divorce)& asked my father to call me to check on me!! Note to Father:Don’t bother! We did see him for Thanksgiving though. Although he wanted all the family to have separate holidays this year (he wanted to keep his new family separate from his ‘old family’. One holiday with the full-blooded-immediate first family & the second with his new wife & new children minus…us. How nice is that?
there’s a chance you and I share the same father by the sound of things. Assholes.
I’m sorry this happened to you. Seems you aren’t the only one. Plenty of us have fathers that are less than stellar.
My bf actually gave me some good advice once. It works most of the time. He said that ‘I have to stop expecting different results from my r’ship w/my father than I all ready know that I am goint to get’. Translated to mean: I all ready know how he is, who he is, what he will say and do, and how he will treat me in advance, before I ever talk to him. So why do I expect or hope for different results? Hope…that’s why. But as someone stated earlier, the holidays do something to people and then they tend to expect miracles from their families that they do not get and then get disappointed and hurt in the end. I know that I did. My best advice is, (I need to take my own advice too) is to just let it go. There is nothing else you can do. You can’t heal your mother, you can’t heal your father, but you CAN heal yourself.
They always know the buttons to push because they planted them there. There is never a way to defend against it, so don’t beat yourself up for the hope.
Just keep your head above the water.
Your post makes me so thankful that I have a great dad, who would do anything for me. Not that he’s flawless, but he’s my biggest fan, my best defender. And when everything around me crumbles, he’s the one I call.
Aye – that sounds rough. Sometimes hope – like the hope that someone can change, or the hope that someone will love us like we want/need them to – is the most painful thing. And yet, I’d rather be the type of person who maintains hope/faith in people instead of becoming cynical. Kudos to you for speaking your truth, but also to being the kind of person who has hope in people.
It’s so much harder when it’s family. I’m sorry to hear this; but thanks for sharing.
Funny how he cannot appreciate what he already has and just keeps obsessing over what he lost. Its sad that he can’t seem to see how lucky he is to have you. He will eventually realize it.
I’m so sorry this happened to you…
I’m also sorry that several commenters are insensitive enough to brag to you about their own great fathers. They should be ashamed of themselves
julia,
We don’t all have to say “oh, poor Heather” to demonstrate that we’re “sensitive”. I’m not at all ashamed to say that she made me think, and really appreciate the great dad that I’ve got. I also sincerely doubt that she writes her posts to merely evoke a pity-party in the comment section. I think there’s a whole lot more to her and her blog than that…
it appears that there are alot of dads out there just like yours so you are NOT alone in this… unfortunately it is “welcome to the club”… mine is the exact same…. i have to just stop expecting him to change and just let him be. i see him when he see the children and thats it. sometimes you have to just him go…..throw the ball girl..
Sigh, I’m glad my dad’s not quite like that. He used to be while i was still young and naive (I recall middleschool being the worst) but I’m lucky to have an exceptionally loving mother who’s not afraid to grab the bull (aka my dad) by the horns and also my older sisters helped too (One incident was me coming in the door and breaking down crying after him dropping me off)
I’m not entirely sure what happened but my dad changed for the most part. It helps that my dad is Bi-Polar, when he’s good he’s an a-typical dad, and when he’s not… it’s worse then what you’ve written (not physically btw, emotionally though). I’m just lucky the good part is out more then the bad
Its taking me a while but I’m gradually getting over all of this. I just have learned to know better then to expect anything from him other then calls and just be happy when I get more then that.
Just dont let whats happening to my sister happen to you, she has a really hard time with men because of my dad, Dont Let him affect you like that. Sigh, I’m glad my dad’s not quite like that. He used to be while i was still young and naive (I recall middleschool being the worst) but I’m lucky to have an exceptionally loving mother who’s not afraid to grab the bull (aka my dad) by the horns and also my older sisters helped too (One incident was me coming in the door and breaking down crying after him dropping me off)
I’m not entirely sure what happened but my dad changed for the most part. It helps that my dad is Bi-Polar, when he’s good he’s an a-typical dad, and when he’s not… it’s worse then what you’ve written (not physically btw, emotionally though). I’m just lucky the good part is out more then the bad
Its taking me a while but I’m gradually getting over all of this. I just have learned to know better then to expect anything from him other then calls and just be happy when I get more then that.
Just dont let whats happening to my sister happen to you, she has a really hard time with men because of my dad, Dont Let him affect you like that.
@kevin
“the opposite of love is not hate, but indifferent”
Reading that practically gave me a cold shudder. You nailed it buddy.
All this bottled up emotion! What about calling your father, better visit him, and have a chat? There are ALWAYS (at least) 2 sides to every story. I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out that your father wonders why you never call him. Or is too embarrassed to call because of guilt for leaving you or whatever.
“Conflicts” like this are to 99% down to lack of communication and then one starts assuming things and assumptions are always wrong.
Talking about it ALWAYS helps!
I know I’m a little late here, but here’s a hug for ya. I never had a dad and my daughter hasn’t got such a great dad, so I feel what you’re saying.
Strange to admit but I’m a guy. Recently divorced…Five years ,but it seems like it was last week.
Your blog is hones and hits places in my heart that I would like to ignore. The above ,is a part of life I can let go of.
I want fatherhood , yet I miss my marriage.
Some how my ex had the ability to act indifferent. Alot of coaching and gossip.
I have yet to master that skill, but my children are getting older and relate to your dad.
I wish 12 step cliches really worked. Sometime I cant let go, and let God.
Thank you for your sharing
Jeff