i was happy

It was like going to a party all dressed up, looking like a million bucks and knowing it. Standing in the center of the room, head thrown back, laughing, all lit up from the inside. Charming, witty and wonderful. That’s how he made me feel all the time. Like I was this sparkly, amazing gift that the Publisher’s Clearing House Prize Patrol left on his doorstep and he just couldn’t believe his luck.

And I was happy. I was relaxed and one hundred percent myself all the time. And not just accepted, but adored for it. I didn’t care about the age difference, because it didn’t seem to matter. Except in the singular instance when it did.

“I’m afraid that after I say this, I’m never going to see you again.”

I knew what he was going to say. It had been hanging in the air between us for a while, but I hadn’t been any more anxious to hear it than he was to say it. I wanted to be a mother one day. He’s already had his shot at parenting and didn’t want to do it again. He was crazy about me, but afraid I’d be missing out on the chance to have what I really deserved.

When I woke up this morning and rolled over in bed, it took a minute for the conversation to push its way into my head. I hid in bed for a long while, feeling sick and conflicted. I got up, paced the hallway. Then sank to my knees on the carpet and cried.

I surprised myself by being so upset. So mad at the universe for being unfair, for forcing me into deciding between certain happiness now, and a fuzzy hope for it sometime down the road. And sad.

Because I was happy, and now I’m not.

98 comments to i was happy

  • Lisa

    Oh how awful. Not at all what I was expecting to read today. So sorry for your heartache.

  • ~Kabe

    I wish I had something witty to say, something to make you laugh out loud.

    But the only thing that comes to mind is “damn it!” Or some variation of the f-word.

    I’m so sorry!

  • Ari

    It’s just the worst and that’s all there is to it. Like you’ll read a thousand more times; I wish I could say something, anything that would help you feel better.

    Ok. How about this. There is now, indisputable proof that men who aren’t complete asshats exist. There actually are men who are like him. There exists a rare strain of the breed that can make you feel like every song Stevie Wonder ever wrote was for you. Who you know will call. Who probably doesn’t suffer from sloptongue (ahem). If there is one of these men, there are at least two more. And now fate and the universe owe you a second.

    I wish I was there to rail at the skies along-side you. I love you sweetie. Feel better soon.

  • bridget

    final season of SATC not sure which episode – but the russian turned out to not be worth it…

    its not much, but its all i’ve got…

  • lola

    The question is can you live with it, with knowing that you may not have kids later? I know its early to be asking this to yourself, and visualizing your future w/ him. but it needs to be done now, before you have invested too much more, and you have much more to lose.

    I think you already know what you want to do but you just need to decide when to put it into action.

  • Ari

    Lola… read up, it’s done. But kudos for trying to make her feel worse. Twit.

  • Monica

    gosh, that just broke my heart. i’m so sorry. but, like ari said, now you know that there are guys like that out there, and i know you’ll find one that completely fits you, unlike this one unfortunately.

  • Susan

    I’m so sorry Fish! Ari is right though – this is proof that they do exist and if there’s one there has to be at least another who will see your inner beauty! Chin up young person and remember tomorrow is another day of possibility…

  • I’m so sorry fish.

    Don’t you just hate bad timing? I really don’t know what else to say since I am yeeeears behind in wisdom (I’m 20), but all I can think of is, whatever you decide to do, just make sure you won’t regret it later.

  • Lauren

    So sorry….I have so been there, more than once I must say. But alas, I am to be married in July to my other half who I have searched for…

    Don’t give up, don’t change, he is out there, you and he just have to go through what your going through to make the future that WILL happen all the sweeter. He, whoever he is, is probably going through a bunch of crap right now too…

    You may have today to be a little sad, but tomorrow, chin up.

    Hugs.

    Lauren

  • Elizabeth

    Fish, I just went through the same thing this past weekend. I’m sorry.

  • CaliGal

    I’m really sorry to hear this….. and even more sorry for any angst in your heart.

    Chin up.

  • Barbara E.

    Well, I’m sorry. But I’d be sorrier if you weren’t as smart a fish as you are.

    You’re smart because you know better than to grab the happiness now, telling yourself that you’ll change his mind. And that if you don’t change his mind, you’ll just arrange for a little birth control failure. Which could happen to anyone, right? He’ll come around once he’s gotten used to the idea.

    Except they never do. And then you’ve get a heck of a lot more sad on your plate.

    Happier days ahead.

  • Sara

    Chin up, buttercup.

  • SAra

    Don’t you know the episode of Friends, when Monica has to break up with Richard (super hott Magnum P.I.) because of the EXACT same deal, and in the end, she falls in love with her Chandler, and he was right there all the time. She just didn’t see it.

    It makes me happy to know that even the crazies like her can find love, and there is hope for the crazies like us!

    Buck up little camper, there are men galore in this town, and lots of them with Southern charm and a manners.

    Don’t miss out on the now while searching for the later. Xs and Os to the girl with the bruised heart. You rock!

  • stacy

    Heather,

    You’re a package deal and your dreams are worth this current hurt. You’re amazing and you’ll find the right one.

    Ari, I just fell a little bit in love with you – your kind words and your quick defense. you are a great friend.

  • Mel

    I feel the need to say something….but what? I am sorry that you are hurt & that you cried. But you all ready know yourself and know in your heart (although it hurts right now) that you made the best decision for you, your life, and your future. So you can eventually feel good about knowing that. On a side note…your friend Ari is a great…and so are you Fish.

    Here are my healing cliche’s…

    You will fall in love again. You will live to love another day. And in case anyone hasn’t said it yet, everything will be okay.

  • Hillary

    Aw Fish I am so sorry for him. He screwed up and lost out on a good one. It will hurt for a while…but you will be happy again.

    xxoo!

  • Erin

    I was there in September. I know it doesn’t help, but you are not alone.

  • incrediblemissv

    I can’t & won’t say “I’m sorry.” You are SO worth it to find the one who will make you feel all those things *and* share in your hopes and dreams. I look forward to reading about the next great adventure.

  • T in NH

    I feel for you. Totally sucks, no way around it. I too have been there & agree with the kind words & sentiments from all your devoted readers. No need for me to say it all again. Hugs…

  • realityfanatic

    I’m sorry that u are hurtin..its truly an unfortunate situation. I luv the honesty in ur blogs and I hope writing about it has shed sum light on the situation and made things at least a tad better. I kno I find writing therapuetic..hope it does the same for you!

    I’m also tired of the guys who just arent good enuff…or are not enuff of what I need…but I know I’m worth the wait and I’m bein patient for the guy who is truly the one who is supposed to be my life partner.

    *Hugs*

  • i know it’s awful now, but at least you didn’t find out 2 years down the line and living together, like i did.

  • Fish,

    I empathize with your pain… It sucks to have to go through it. Like many have said, you are an amazing and wonderful woman, and you should never compromise your dreams, so kudos for being true to yourself, as much as it hurts.

    Anyway, I’m a long time lurker and decided I should delurk (I heard it’s officially delurking week). You inspired me to start my own blog (along with a few of your friends). Thanks for the impact you have had on my life.

  • Stephanie

    Hang in there!

    It’s gets better!

  • Summer

    Hey Fish. Chin up!! Everything will be fine. Remember, everything happens for a reason…

  • Un abrazo *hugs* Feel better, someone better will come along. I wish you the best

  • I was all set to make that Friends plot scenario comparison (ten years after the fact) and then Sara beat me to it. But yes. I know you will find your Chandler.

  • **HUGS**

    Hope you feel better soon. Heartache sucks, no way around it. Will be thinking of you.

  • Sorry! But way to go girl, for making the smarter decision. It’s hard to know what you want, really, and have that thing conflict with what you want right now, today.

    Although all the rationalization in the world doesn’t make any of it any easier.

  • Stephanie

    whoops- I meant – It gets better. And then I accidentally clicked off. But I say that b/c it does. I’ve read your blog for a while – loved the travel posts too. You are a strong, smart, funny, beautiful girl. You’ll find your lobster b/c you’re not afraid to take risks.

    I wish I knew someone for you – I will keep my NYC eyes and ears open for any Dallas boys though.

    And kudos to Ari for being a fantastic friend. Friends like that are hard to find!

  • Anon

    Older men are great – they make you feel like you are on cloud nine with their wit, wisdom and adoration. BUT what he’s really freeing you from is the TREMENDOUS baggage that he no doubt carries – which is way, way too heavy for your young, sexy shoulders. Trust me on this and be thankful.

    It won’t hurt any less, but it is a different perspective.

    Ari – you rock. Love the Stevie Wonder mention!

  • oh honey. oh honey, honey, honey.

    *exact* same conversation happened with the *exact* same type of guy on new years eve this year. over dessert. we had been laughing over a beautiful dinner & then all of a sudden i was staring back at him, unsuccessfully willing the tears to dry up before they fell.

    rather than watching the fireworks over the harbor as planned, we listened to them while i cried into my pillow & he held me, wishing we could back to how we were. i’m so sorry you’re struggling with this too.

  • red

    poor fish. if you feel like a roadtrip – i’m in austin and have nice shoulders to cry on. and fun clothes to go out in. :)

    you’ll be happy again… i just know it! head up, young person.

  • Vanessa

    this made me cry. it was so right on….and that is exactly what happened to me (albeit he’s not older). my friends say he’s doing me a favor, but since it just happened on monday, i can’t feel that favor yet. will i? i guess.

  • Sassy Britches

    Wine and chocolate Heather, and lots of it. You’ll feel better and the antioxidants in the goodies will make your heart feel better. Or you can tell yourself that anyway.

    I personally feel like you should be the most eligible bachelorette in Dallas. If they’re not knocking down your door, it’s just a matter of time before they are.

    Wishing you rainbows and Skittles.

  • Meg

    Oh, I have been there. It was devestating. It gets better, but that fuzzy hope for the future…I am still wondering. I understand right where you are and I hate it for you.

  • ABelle

    I am stuck in a relationship with that man — the super wonderful one who is just perfect except for the kid thing. I’ve spent 2 years trying to change him, it isn’t working. I think you are saving yourself lots of tears, heartache, therapy, etc. Best of luck.

  • Alyssa

    It just sucks. But we are all thinking about you, and sending our love. Take care of yourself!

  • cupcake

    i second (or third, or 100th) all the “i wish i could make you feel better”s and warm thoughts. i’ve been in this exact situation as well, except reversed (and as a woman in her 20s who knows that she definitely never wants to have children, it is almost more difficult, as society is conditioned to believe that you will, in fact, eventually “come around”) — but finding this out sooner rather than later and doing what is best for you in the long run is, ultimately, far less painful than the alternative. even though it’s always difficult to feel that in the moment. though i only know you through your writing, i know that you are someone who deserves all the goodness the Universe can find to throw at you, and i’m certain the Universe will find some to throw in the not-so-terribly-distant future. *hugs*

  • ginger

    “your dreams are worth this current hurt” such a great line stacy, for this situation and so many others with men…

    so sorry heather, don’t have great and profound advice for you, just watch lots of sappy movies, eat chocolate and drink champagne with your girlfriends…

  • Dear Heather,

    I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sucks to sacrifice happiness.

    I must say, however, this is the best post you’ve written in a while. Not because it’s sad, and I’m not saying that you should be sad in order to write well, it’s just that this is really good. You went back to your old writing self.

  • Pascha

    I know this is not the exact same kind of heartbreak, but I wanted to share this: I walked in on my boyfriend of 2 years in bed with another woman (one of his coworkers, who was dating another one of their coworkers). A few weeks later, I went back to his house to pick up my stuff, and I asked him if they had told her boyfriend yet. He said no.

    So I called the boyfriend and let him know. I didn’t do it out of vengeance to my ex, I did it because I genuinely liked her boyfriend, he’s a nice guy and deserved to know. He invited me to go out that night with him and the other coworkers. At the bar that night, I started talking to a guy that was just standing in the back listening to the band. We went on our first date the next day, got married two years later, and our 6 month old daughter is sitting next to me playing right now.

    I know you know this, but love will come. Right now, there’s a girl out there dating a guy, “working” on his flaws, making him perfect for when he meets you.

  • Meghan

    I would watch “Meet The Robinsons.” The theme of the film is to let go of the past. The motto, derived from Walt Disney himself, is “Keep Moving Forward!” You and I are about the same age and sometimes it’s not so easy. One of my third grade students today, told me that I needed a boyfriend and that it didn’t matter what he di or what he looked like. However, she was certain that I needed someone. She was right to a certain extent: I need someone. But it was a highly teachable moment, in which I was able to explain that her life was in her own hands and that she doesn’t need anyone to validate her existence. At any rate, be strong, Know that the right one is coming along and even if he doesn’t, you’re still a viable, worthwhile human being that many people love. Peace…

  • Can’t add a whole lot.

    “i believe when i fall in love with you

    it will be forever

    i believe when i fall in love this time

    it will be forever….”

    From “I Believe” by Stevie Wonder. Ari, you Rock.

  • RzDrms

    oooh, i just love pascha’s comment! totally and completely uplifting. i’m so glad she shared.

  • I can relate to that feeling. Today will be the worst day and every day after this one gets a little bit easier. hang in there. Hugs through the net from one gal to another.

  • Pascha’s comment, above, just kind of rocked my world. Wow.

    Hugs to you. It’s so hard to let go of someone who is “almost right,” but in the end it paves the road for “exactly right.”

    … at least… that’s what I’m telling myself!

  • Lindsay

    I know it doesn’t help to say I know how you feel. Because who cares if someone else is going through the same thing – that doesn’t make your pain less valid or unbearable or unique. But in case misery does indeed love company, I’ll say it anyway – I know how you feel.

    Me: 27. Him: 42. I feel more connected and happy and alive and compatible with him than anyone I’ve ever met. I was certain this man was handcrafted by the universe just for me. But… he doesn’t want kids. I do. The end.

    There’s no one to blame but the mothereffing universe for just being a straight up bitch on that one.

    I hope you find peace in the midst of this pain. Truly.

  • Marie

    “Why Men Love Bitches”

    “Why Men Marry Bitches”

    Both books by Sherry Argov. For humorous therapy and empowerment, after the tears have dried.

    This, too, shall pass. :)

  • Hilary

    I haven’t been by in a while, so I’m bummed to see your posting today, I am so sorry. Relationships are one hell of a paradox – extremely satisfying/extremely painful. I agree with Lindsay – I hope you find peace.

  • Ray

    damn it. that sucked. feeling your pain here in cali. hang in there!

  • Don

    Freshly divorced w/ 2 wonderful kids. I yearn for another b/c I felt removed – no – ripped away from the child rearing process I so enjoyed. Back into dating. Find a lovely gal. She is nobly battling cancer and cannot have children. Her beautiful friend wants to have kids and brought me to the maternity ward in the hospital to view the newborns, where we play a game of pretend to be expectant parents. The irony? this is the same floor where my new gal friend lay on the mend after cancer surgery. Talk about irony. They have a sister pact. This too shall pass, Heather.

  • Dani

    That is heartbreaking…

    Just keep in mind you have hundreds, probably thousands of readers who don’t know you except by your blog and who think you are witty, charming, “sparkly” and much more. And if you have that impact on people who have never met you its only a small matter of time before you have that effect again on a wonderful guy who does want kids…especially because your future kids are bound to be all of those things too. As everyone else said – good to know now than later down the road. Being mature sucks – but only for a while.

  • ohh i broke up with my boyfriend saturday and have not slept more than two hours each night ever since, crying works though, just let it out, everyone tells me it will pass, i hope it passes soon, but in the meantime it sucks…

  • He’s 41. I’m 27. I said no. I totally get it. I cried too.

  • Betsey

    Childless @ 32. In love with a man who has 2 and a vasectomy. I know your struggle.

  • Cristy

    Faithful reader, not so faithful commenter here…I’m so sorry, Heather. *Hugs*

  • SaraJane

    Heather – Suck! Feel free to just feel bad for awhile, no chin up yet. In time, chin up. In time, other cliches. But now, feel bad. It sucks.

  • it’s the crazy thing about relationships. they always have momentum, but sometimes, if that momentum gets going too fast and things end suddenly, we are thrown off into the distance harshly.

    your readers are here for you, heather.

    all my anne of green gables series hugs to ya, darlin.

  • Liat

    I am just another voice in the fray, but I think you are a creature of great inner and outer beauty and you deserve to have whatever you desire. From the vantage point of a reader, this was a well written post.

  • Marisa

    Ditto to everyone (delurking just for this). I went through this last June, and it was horrible… your line about happiness now versus possible happiness later is exactly right.

    The universe will take care of you, like Ari said. It took care of me, because I didn’t cave on something that I just couldn’t change.

    Hugs.

  • So sorry. I feel your pain. If I was there I’d give you a big hug :)

  • I know nothing I say can make this all better for you, but I’m a fixer and I feel the need to say something. Why are the wise decisions, the things that we know we should do that will pay off later, always the hardest and most painful? When you hold your baby that you will surely have one day the love you feel for that child will surpass all the hurt you feel right now. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the hurt you have go away now, or even diminish. So I guess all there is to say is I am so sorry that this happened. And if we were friends you I would totally give you a hug and a bottle of wine or two and watch Top Gun with you.

  • I want to say something about my experience…I want to say something to make you feel better…but sometimes this is just better ……….

  • I’m in a similar situation now. It seems a lot of women here are as well. Somehow we WILL make it through all of this and find the one place, one person we are supposed to be with. Chin up!

  • Didn’t Monica go thru this with Tom Selleck? And didn’t she end up having surprise twins with Chandler?

    Everything is going to be OK!!!

  • Kim

    Ah, Heather… that is just so crappy. Are you at the point where you think, “This is always, inevitably, how my happy situations end?” I was there… and then almost married someone who didn’t make me feel all pitter-pattery but, well, at least it was working out for once. You know? But thankfully, the Universe sent me the one I am supposed to be with in just enough time not to make the dreaded mistake with the other guy.

    What I’m trying to say here is that there’s no reason to believe your knight in shining armor isn’t still on his way… and in the meantime, try to find some strength in the fact that you have made a very wise, mature, and difficult situation by sacrificing current happiness for future.

    Chin up, Fish. It’s going to happen.

  • so sorry to hear. good luck

    only piece of advise I can offer is book a flight. anywhere. it’s the best way I have ever found to start looking forward again.

  • g

    Fish, when the hurt fades a bit, maybe you can light up again at the thought that those who know you (and many more who read your blog) all agree:

    You are going to be such a wonderful mother.

  • bh

    You are a strong, intelligent female role-model. Thank you for sharing with us.

    Only good things to you, Fish.

  • Melissa

    I don’t know if you’ll read this after reviewing the plethora of comments already posted but it’ll all go wrong till it all goes right. I’m young, in love with someone that I’m not sure if we’re even really dating (even though we’ve been dating for the last 7 months or so) and can’t shake him.

    I’m an idiot for someone who is not an idiot for me (as far as I know). How Kate Winslet in The Holiday am I?

  • I’m sorry you are hurting this much, Heather. Been there and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Thank God for excellent friends who got me through a break-up that tried its damnedest to break me.

    I hope you heal from it much quicker than I did. And I hope we both get the happy ending that so many others tell us is around the corner if we are patient and stick to our guns.

  • Wow.. the same thing happened to me after two years. He bought me diamonds for my birthday in december then broke my heart last friday. Why?

  • aliastaken

    I’m got a sort of reversed situation here, and it still sucks. I’m 37, divorced with one child, in love with someone 12 years younger. I’d love to have his children and live happily ever after, but he’s just not at that point. By the time he is, I probably won’t be able to have kids anymore. What to do? We just can’t be together. It’s terrible.

    (PS: I’d love to know where all of you are finding eligible wonderful men in their 40′s)

  • Oh, fish….so sorry to hear of the knees to the ground crying. I have been there before, albeit not the same reasons…

    this post struck a chord, as I am so fitfully terrified of hearing the same intention from my chef right now.

    the age difference is not so broad, nothing so drastic as Happy Days vs Full House, but I am at the edge of some unspoken crevasse of difference and pray not to tumble to the death of the relationship before we reach the apex of understanding.

    ((hug))

  • Oh, fish….so sorry to hear of the knees to the ground crying. I have been there before, albeit not the same reasons…

    this post struck a chord, as I am so fitfully terrified of hearing the same intention from my chef right now.

    the age difference is not so broad, nothing so drastic as Happy Days vs Full House, but I am at the edge of some unspoken crevasse of difference and pray not to tumble to the death of the relationship before we reach the apex of understanding.

    ((hug))

  • Amanda

    I’m beginning to think happily ever after doesn’t exist anymore. I read your post about seeing “Enchanted” I watched it and while I felt like puking the entire movie I also felt so unbelieveably happy afterward. I found my first love a few months ago, just after the new year reality kicked in and we realized we aren’t on teh same page with our futures. He wants to leave the state and I don’t and, like the baby situation, it’s a non negotiable for me. I have a child already, but I want at least 1 more with the man of my dreams, since the first time around all I got was a broken engagement and an ex who married less than a year later. I just haven’t found him yet. I didn’t want to start the new year off on such a sour note, I guess it’s almost a comfort to know so many of us are also going through this.

  • Stacy

    I echo all the other comments. I too went through something similar a few months ago, but you know what is best for you and the things you are willing to compromise on. I am trusting my friends who say I will find someone who wants it all, since I find it hard to believe in something until it happens. But I am trusting them in the meantime. I’m sorry – it just sucks.

  • Moshizzle

    I haven’t read all the comments yet but I agree with Torrie. For me, the issue isn’t about kids – it’s something else but I’m not sure what. I went into the ugly cry after reading your post. Can we be heartbroken and devastated and unable to function or move on or do anything that resembles normal together?

    If you’re feeling anything like I’m feeling right now, let me just say the words I would say to myself if they made any sense. This is just the latest in the sequence of wrong relationships that gets you ever closer to the right one. You deserve to be with someone who can share enthusiastically and willingly in your dreams. It’s better that you’re not with him so that you can be free for the right guy when he appears. And most of all, you deserve to be a mother.

    I wish I believed those things for myself right now. I’m just going to stick with “I’d rather be miserable and alone than miserable with a man”. And now I’m going to cry myself to sleep. It’ll be better in the morning, right?

  • Oh man, I’m so sorry. All of these comments are proof that you are incredibly special and lovable. I hope you are feeling back on top again soon.

  • rg

    Thanks for sharing this, Heather. Unfortunately, I, too, know a little bit about how you’re feeling. The stupid part for me is I’ve been crying since mid-December, because although I mostly know in my head the differences are too great, my heart won’t listen. Perhaps you will feel a little comfort in knowing that you may have just helped some stranger to realize sometimes you have to ignore your heart and listen to your head. Thank you, again.

  • anonymous

    “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

    And how else can it be?

    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

    Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?

    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”

    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.”

    -the prophet, khalil ghibran

  • Oh my God, what an absolutely horrible decision to have to make. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. But in the end, I think you made the right decision. Hang in there – you have plenty of readers to support you.

  • I got dumped last year because I didn’t want children someday. I’m pretty sure to have or to have not is most people’s ultimate deal breaker.

    I can’t say anything anyone else here hasn’t said before but just from reading your blog I think you’re an amazing woman and this heartbreak will not hold you back for long.

  • catgrrl

    I was in a relationship with a (much) older man with two grown daughters and, in his words, he felt like he won the lottery with me. At first, I felt adored by him. It seemed like he had all together like no one in my age group did. He quickly was controlling and, as it turns out, very abusive. He was quite insecure in the end. Look at the bright side: be glad you didn’t end up with someone who would be in a nursing home while you are still able-bodied.

  • Kristin

    Go visit a friend. Go back to New York for a weekend. Do something that gets you out of your house and having fun again. It always helps to have something to look forward to.

  • fluffyclay

    Ari said it best… as only best friends can do in such times.

    You always amaze me with your strength, so I really have nothing to say, but am grateful that you have Ari.

  • S

    I don’t know if this helps or not but my Grandmother married a man 20 years older than herself and these were the words of wisdom she had on a older/younger relationship. Don’t ever marry an older man. They just get old and sick and then you have to take care of them.

  • MarineMom

    So sorry Fish (((gentle hugs))) but I do believe that there is a baby waiting in the wings somewhere to be born just so you can be the wonderful mother I know you will be. You are brave, smart and strong to be willing to NOT deny that little to-be-born baby the chance to have a GREAT mother.

    I know there is a great father-to-be out there somewhere for you. When you meet him – you will both know that its meant to be.

    In the meantime – as was suggested before – lots of wine and chocolate till the ache fades!

  • rulebreaker

    well…. you are being led..He moves people out of your path that do not fulfill your purpose….

  • serrin

    oh, dear.

    i don’t want to have children and i’m terrified that when i finally meet the man i love, he will be someone who does want them.

    the universe can be so very unkind.

  • Shari

    I think this is very common with older

    men; they want younger girlfriends

    AND they want their comfort and

    convenience.

    Stick to guys closer to your age…

    there really are so many reasons that

    it makes sense.

    Best of luck….

  • Shari

    And another thought…

    He must have known from the beginning

    that it would end like this… really

    its quite selfish of him to attach to

    you and then break it off that way.

  • Alyssa

    The same thing happened to me.

    8 years, and apparently worlds, apart- and he told me Friday that he wants me to experience ‘all the world has to offer me’.

    But what if he is what I want to experience?

    I’m so afraid he was the one. And now I’ll never know.

  • I read your post, and the power of your words bowled me over in their intensity, intimacy and similarity to my own experience.

    I too thought that, at one point in my life, I had been oh so happy with my ex, the love of my life ….

    8 years ago, I had been in the same situation as you, but reversed. The man who I adored and had lived with for 5 years all of a sudden had a change of heart. He wanted children, and I didn’t. Throughout his dating ‘career’, he had been persistently chased by women who wanted his babies. And each relationship ended with him not wanting that ‘burden’ of a child, as he told me. And at the beginning of our life together, he vowed to never want kids. And with that, I breathed a sigh of relief — I had never wanted children (a complicated story that to this day remains true). But something switched in him. All of a sudden, with the room to breath and think and decide for himself whether children were right for him, he resoundingly exclaimed that was what he wanted most in life. A child. And my heart bled for months, realizing that I had a tough choice to make. Bearing our fruit and raising a child that I didn’t necessarily want at that time, or leave the love of my life so that he could find what his heart desired most. I chose the latter, and it was the hardest, most difficult decision that I ever had to make.

    The tragic story continues ….. he was married and a Father 10 months after we unravelled; a year later he was divorced. A year after that, he committed suicide, and my heart and my breath still aches at the most terrible loss of this brilliant, caring, loved and respected man. I feel for you. And I cry. At how happy we used to be with the men that we loved, and the decisions we made for the sake of a child.

  • serrin

    I think I’m about to have this conversation with the first man I’ve ever met who I haven’t been cynical about, or scared of being hurt by, or felt restricted by. Except, it’s the other way around. He’s 43 and desperately wants children. I’m 27 and NEVER want children.

    It’s sooo at the beginning which in a way is good because in theory it should hurt less.

    But I don’t think it will hurt less at all.

  • serrin

    ha, just read my old post from about a year ago.

    tempting fate perhaps?!

    still, i’ve been through worse.