wearin’ a cynic suit under my bathrobe

Okay, I hear ya. When this happened to Monica on Friends, everything turned out a-okay, because she got Chandler! And twins!

Am I really the only one who saw it as a sick, sick joke that Monica had to give up MAGNUM PI and that her consolation prize was a big, obnoxious doofus with zero relationship savvy? And that then, to top it all off, wasn’t even able to have her own children and was forced to adopt the spawn of some lead paint eatin’ HALF WIT they met on the Internet?

Really? I’m the only one who doesn’t find that at all comforting? Huh.

If life imitates art (or sitcoms), then um, one-two-three not it.

77 comments to wearin’ a cynic suit under my bathrobe

  • jessica

    i dont want to live a sitcom either

  • You are hilarious and I love that you wear a cynic suit. But I don’t know… if you want to be a mother, does it really matter if you adopt or go through labor yourself? Either way, you have someone to tuck in at night, right? Then again, it’s different for everyone. Too bad Angelina Jolie isn’t on speed dial!

  • Chatty Cathy

    If life imitates sitcoms …yeah then …my writers have been on strike for a really long time.

  • Julie Terry

    I would be fine with a big, obnoxious doofus with zero relationship savvy if we were happy. I don’t know if I believe in soulmates, but the doofus who leaves me with that “this is it” feeling in my gut would make me happier than the perfect man who doesn’t. (I’m still looking for my doofus, but I know he’s out there.)

  • HappyP

    Am I the only one who still cries when I see the episode where they get engaged? I think of Monica and Chandler as two characters who each felt they were so lucky to have found the other. If I find someone to share the rest of my life with, I’ll feel that lucky, and hope he will too.

  • i totally agree. that’s why i didn’t leave a comment on your last entry…i couldn’t think of anything encouraging to say. i just went through a similar thing this weekend, and you know what, it sucks. i don’t know that there is a bright side or whatever. it’s just life, and it sucks sometimes, but then you heal and then you move on.

    i hope your heart continues to be resilient…and maybe one day your magnum pi dreams will come true

  • Not to rub it in but Magnum was very hot, Chandler Bing…….not so much

  • If life imitates sitcoms, then I want me a Big who will save me from the Russian. Because when I quit my job two years ago to move across the country for a Russian (and had the going away party, and bought the luggage, and said my farewells), I didn’t have a Big to rescue me when I stood at ticket counter of the airport and got dumped by a case of cold feet.

    There’s cold comfort in sitcoms.

    Two years later, hindsight is a mixed bag; I got my job back and better and have started meeting men that make him pale in comparison. I think the universe was opening itself up for me. Scratch that. It was shaking me awake and screaming that I was doing the wrong thing. And when the pain of the breakup subsided, I realize that this time around, whatever happens, I’ll actually get what I want. The whole package. Because now I know to look for it.

    My heart aches for you. Be well.

    (Hello from a first-time delurker)

  • ~Kabe

    Not it, either!

  • heather

    I don’t know you, but your life is not going to turn out like Monica’s & either is mine. I loved my fiance’ (who I recently broke up with) but we wanted different things and I couldn’t live with that…believe me, I tried. I miss him and love many things about him and loved that I was so open and free with him but there were a few very important things to me that he didn’t agree with and I couldn’t live without.

    We’ll get it right and when we do we’ll be very happy about the choices we made along the way.

  • khaki

    some people would be grateful to have a child whether it’s adopted or biological.. but I guess you’d have to be told you cannot carry EVER to appreciate the beauty in it..

  • Mireya-expressionableshopping.com

    Friends is not reality. I once read that the apartment monica and rachel lived in cost about 10 million dollars. Its not reality besides problems don’t easily work themselves out in 3o minutes.

  • Am I the only one who loves, loves, Chandler?

  • Melanie

    But she was happy with Chandler.

  • Mrs. O

    I took my chance with my Magnum PI (seriously resembles Tom Selek). Turns out that after years of wanting to be a Mom I, like Monica, can’t. I’m not saying that it all worked out, but you just never know what’s going to happen in the future. I took my chance and have never regretted it – he’s the love of my life. Maybe it was meant to be.

  • Chatty Cathy

    If life imitates a sitcom …then my writers have been on strike for a very long time.

  • yeah. i resisted double commenting previously, but it seems we have forgotten that richard told monica that if it meant being with her, loving her, whatever with her, that he would be open to having another baby.

    um, NOT SO MUCH.

  • Forget Magnum PI & Chandler both. The girl dumped a cute millionaire who worshiped the ground she walked on?!

    Here’s hoping you find a cute Paul Rudd-type to love all of your Princess Consuela quirks instead :)

  • Well, the key point is that Chandler WANTED to raise kids. Which is more important than the biology in some ways.

    Then again, Chandler was more my type, at least before he uh, porked up and took pills. Oh wait, that was the actor…

  • speaking as one who (at 35) married the Chandler & 2 years later had the twins: your life becomes so ALL about the twins, that you thank the universe you have your Chandler. (my Tom Selleck could NEVER chase those varmints around, like Chandler can.)

  • You forgot to mention that MONICA IS NOT A REAL PERSON.

  • Don

    I still don’t get what people see in a show propped up by Red Bull. Keep up karaokying, running, writing and seeing YOUR friends. It’s better therapy. Don’t fall in love with the therapist.

  • Belle8

    I think the way life imitated art (sitcoms) in this case was to show how people eventually find someone who fits well, meshes if you will, with them. This guy was right for you at the moment, but you have different plans for the future and they just didn’t match. So, yes, it sucks. But it would suck more down the road when those plans conflict.

    At least you aren’t willing to settle for anything less than what you believe is important to you right now. It takes a strong person to do that.

  • jamie

    Okay, so I too am married to a Chandler. He’s not good at “relationships”, and he does dumb stuff all the time that make me question his sanity, but never for a minute do I doubt that he loves me and would do anything for me. I don’t care if he never hangs up a wet towel or remembers my birthday for the rest of our lives, I consider myself lucky to have found him. Nobody could make me laugh like he can, and nobody could ever bring me out of my shell the way he has.

    As for the whole baby thing, if a man doesn’t want you more than he wants NOT to have kids, take a pass. He doesn’t want to build a life with you, he wants to fit you into his already built life. And if it really does fit, then great, but if it’s a square peg/round hole situation, you have to be true to yourself. If someone is dealing out ultimatums that soon in a relationship, you need to let them go.

  • bridget

    thats why i used SATC instead… cause i couldnt STAND the short, obnoxious russian and would WAY rather have tall, hot, obnoxious Big…

    for all of you ‘life is not tv/movies’ – i got dumped partially because my ex wanted his life to be like zach braff’s in Garden State.

    no joke.

  • rebecca

    i’m sorry you’re going through this and thank you so much for posting about it. went through the same last weekend. the many comments i get about how i can adopt? not helpful. not quite yet. still caught up in how sucky it is. and, yeah, chandler & monica? not comforting. your readers comments are – thanks to those who posted about finding great love after heartbreak. and thanks to you for helping me feel less alone in it all….

  • Meghan

    Oh Fish,

    Don’t get discouraged. We’re bound to get it right eventually…

  • ohwell

    Heather,

    I don’t even know if you read all of this, but if you do I have to thank you so much for the post about “relationship resolutions”, it really helped me out.

    Remember the city buses…

  • AMR

    Tired of reading ‘Chin up’ yet?

    I think this may be the first comment in this vein. Having your own children is over-rated. There, I’ve said it. The planet’s loaded. LOADED.

    Are you a thoughtful and kind? Do you enrich/lighten/improve other people’s lives? I’ll answer that: YES and YOU DO. And that’s what we’re really all here for I believe.

    I can’t tell you not to want children but hoo boy, when you find someone you really love, BE WITH THEM.

    Life is way too short.

  • aliastaken

    @Chatty Cathy- hahahaha (me too)

  • finally! finally someone who sees it right! :P

    but really, a doofus with zero relationship savvy can seem cool only on television. in real life they r just sad :(

  • So not an appropriate comparison. We KNOW how you feel about Hot Selleck.

  • Ugh. I’m a little bit “drunk over” (hung over, but still a little buzzed from the night before), so my cynic suit is on too. No matter how many fictional or real examples people give of times a breakup “worked out for the best,” it doesn’t make it hurt any less in the now.

    Roll around in the misery of it fofr a few days, cry to songs you wouldn;t find moving normally, skip showers, and eat junk. That’s my prescription. Then get a mani/pedi, buy a new outfit, and start over, with a good stiff drink in your hand.

    I’m sorry it didn’t work out. That sucks.

  • amber

    One of my guy friends said something to me once that always stuck. He said, “I don’t believe that everyone in this world ends up with a true love or even happy, but you are someone who will be happy.” I don’t know why that was so comforting, but it was, and the whole “you’ll meet the one when it’s time” line never was.

  • Charliegirl

    I’m sorry you’re hurting. It sucks that you were right for one another except for that one thing. At least he was honest with you early on. Not to be a Pollyanna, but maybe you needed to meet someone like him to know that connection exists for you. Here’s to hoping the whole package comes your way soon.

    Jamie, I think your comment is a bit ignorant. You can love someone and still not want children. Because if what you’re saying is true, it would work in reverse. She would love him enough to not have them. Compromising and having kids when you don’t really want them is NOT fair — to your partner or the child.

  • sylvia

    glad to see you are your old sparky self again. *hugs* and ya.. totally agree with you on the one..two ..three. not it!

    =P

  • Moshizzle

    Sometimes I wish TV and movies didn’t exist. I’m really starting to believe that true love, mutual happiness, good relationships don’t really exist. That everyone I know is just content to be in a relationship regardless of quality. I’m starting to dread going to weddings because I can’t muster up the appropriate sentiment anymore. And I’m teaching myself how to feel okay with being on my own forever. So much for feeling better in the morning. I’m going back to bed with a box of Puffs Plus with lotion.

  • I always thought she’d be better off with Magnum.(Sorry – but true)

    I admire the guy for his honesty, and his concern for your wants and desires. If no kids is a “deal breaker” for you then you obviously have no choice. No amount of agonizing can change that fact.

    But if it isn’t – well there you are. The doors are wide open for another possible decision entirely.

    Regardless of your decision I wish you every happiness in your near future.

  • One-two-three, not it either.

    I saw it as a sick joke too actually.

  • Loretta

    Love your postings. You are absolutely right about sticking to your deal-breakers. Having children is a personal decision and you know what you want. Me, I’m on the other side, my children are grown, and I’d give anything to find my Magnum PI. Love… man, that is a gift that is so rare. I’d give anything to find a man like the one in your last post. I haven’t had a date in over a year, so I cried over that post. wow… where are the men like that? and why aren’t they dating women their own age, like me??

    i have to wonder if he was just a player. Does he deliberately date younger women, and use that ‘no children’ card when the woman gets too serious?

    YOU ARE AMAZING!!! i love your writing, your humor, your heart. You will find the one you seek. no doubt about it.

  • I guess I’m a sucker, or else a product of pop culture. I believe he’s out there. For me, and for you. I don’t believe that there is only one “soul mate” (retch), but there is someone out there whose ups fit your downs, his outs your ins (ahem), etc. Come back and read these comments in a few weeks; they’ll work better then.

  • christine

    hmm i love chandler! but i get what youre saying

  • Hahahaha, you’re right – that totally sucks. But seriously, I think you made the right decision. Sometimes, life just sucks and you can’t do anything about it. This is one of those times. I’m so sorry, Fish. But we’re here for you.

  • Crystal in MA

    Wow, I can tell by the bite of your post that you are really hurting. Everyone was just trying to help, but in this kind of thing there is really nothing that can be said until the time is right to stop hurting. That time will come, we all know it and deep down you do too. Kind of like someone saying “The sun will come up tomorrow” all you are thinking is F the sun who cares if it ever comes up again, until one day you look out at a sunny day and it comforts you.

    We have all been hurt, we have all been miserable, we have all cried. And no one else’s hurt is the same as yours, even in the same exact situation. That is just truth. Real.

    Do I think you made the right choice? How the hell would I know? I don’t really know you, I don’t know him, I have no idea. But I do know you will make it through this no matter how it works out because you will, we all do. In our own way, in our own time, we make it.

  • sarag

    i had a mr. big, and during a 7 month hiatus that he disappeared and then magically he returned with marriage on the table. and i couldn’t imitate sitcom art. you win some you lose some. i wish you to win. i don’t know why older men get that way to make it an issue… i’ve shed those tears, i’m sorry. it hurts.

  • Lauren

    Funny, but…Like I said, I have been in your shoes and finally found the one… Be not misled, it certainly has not been harp flowers and fireworks!! Actually, a lot of the time it’s been very hard. 3 months in he gets popped w/DUI #3 and decides to confront his alcoholism, lets not forget his troubled teen daughter and psycho ex wife…. We are still dealing with all of this, coming to a close in a few weeks of his punishment for the DUI, and still trying to get a handle on the daughter situation…But, there is nowhere and I mean NO WHERE I would rather be.. When you find him you will know, and it won’t have anything to do with the other circumstances. I look at all we have been through so far and in the hardest times still knew I was the luckiest person in the world. He is 2 years sober and we are getting married on July 4. His is my prince, I carry his baggage, he carries mine.

  • Mel

    I was trying to think of what I would tell you, to your face, if you were sitting across from me, and you were my best friend in the world. This is what I came up with:

    I guess I just look at it this way. You have 2 choices:

    Be with him & accept the fact that you will not ever convince him to have children and decide to be happy with that.

    Or

    Not be with him & move on, to find someone whose wants, needs, and values the same things or very similar things that you do. At the hope of maybe a better, brighter chance of happiness in your futures together.

    That’s it. Hope it helps. You all ready know that we would all support you no matter what decision you made.

    You are the only one that knows yourself the best. That’s all I can say. You all ready know the right thing to do…whatever that may be…you go girl.

    But I do have to say, you are so very BRAVE to put yourself out there, for everyone to read and feel. That takes guts sister! Kudos to you. Until next time.I’ll watch for your next post

  • Marcy

    I have to agree with AMR. I gave up the Tom for the Chandler. Now we are divorced. I love my daughter to PIECES & I can’t imagine my life without her but you know what, someday she will leave for college…& although I thank god I now have an AMAZING man I love in my life, I have to tell you the truth that people don’t want to say…I know very few truly happily married people who have kids. Maybe I am just in some strange vortex, but the only really happily married people I know are childless. They focus on each others needs & are there for each other instead of this lame hippy dippy notion that has come about in the past 20 years “the kids come first”. As my boyfriend (himself a divorced dad notes) his father told him and his sibs when they were growing up: “you kids are the result of the love your mother and I have for EACH OTHER. My relationship with her is my top priority…we love you and we are here to take care of you, but we take care of each other FIRST.” Really made me think…

  • Dora

    Sucks to be in your situation — and I’ve been there, we all have — but that is a totally uncool characterization of adoption.

  • jjenni7

    some of you commented as if Fish said she had a problem with adopting. Seems to me as if she had more of a problem with who they had to adopt from than with adopting. Stop jumping to conclusions!

  • Chandler B.

    Could I BE any cuter?

  • Lori

    I guess I think that maybe you should rethink what would make you happy. Maybe you could live w/o having children… have an aunt who did and is happy. A little excentric about her dogs, but happy. If he makes you happy why not? Everyone always says not to live for the what if’s… but instead for the what is. The fact is he made you happy. So why not? Life’s short.

  • Lilly

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and I’ve always thought of you as a mom-to-be. I think you would make an amazing mom (with or without a Chandler, Magnum PI, or whatever). I know it sucks to give up current happiness for an uncertain future one, but now you know that you can feel like that with a guy. Not only that, but sometimes life is better than sitcoms (you can attest to that!), and you just might end up having it all: a Magnum PI type who would love to have kids with you.

  • Monica HAD to end up with Chandler. The only other option was Joey, and no one ever would have believed it. Your options are much better, so don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise :)

  • Vanessa

    i feel your pain. i can’t be encouraging because i don’t know what to say.

  • Tinkster

    I think the majority of these comments will be more appropriate after a few weeks of healing. In the meanwhile…

    *quietly holds the tissue box*

  • It does suck, BUT if it makes you feel any better, having watched Friends on DVD all the way through from the first season, Monica and Chandler were SO totally gonna get together anyway…so, he’s not so much her consolation prize as the one who was supposed to be hers from the beginning.

    So, maybe your own dork who loves you unconditionally is there waiting, and hey, he might make you happier than any older man with a killer mustache ever could.

  • carmen

    Maybe you don’t have a choice….he told you that knowing it would end things. So now you can quit agonizing over what decision to make because he has already made it.

  • khaki

    Hmmm… it all could come back and bite you in the ass and you won’t be able to have kids any way.. wouldn’t that just be a kick in the teeth?

  • Tai

    I’ve always thought that the main problem with life was the lack of a built-in soundtrack. You know, those moments in movies when the heroine is sad and she walks across a bridge or whatever – always involving a large body of water – and some capital “P” Poignant song is playing. I don’t think it would make bad moments easier, per se… but knowing that the song had an end, and with it whatever bad feeling you’ve got – that would be really nice.

    Other than that, be nice to Chandler – I’m terribly afraid I might be the female version of him. And I can only hope there’s some bright, perfect Monica-type (but male) out there for me.

  • Kristin

    I think everyone needs to have a list of their deal breakers and stick to it. Sometime when you love someone it’s easy to think that you could maybe live with or without something that you want, but in the end, you can have everything that you want. Congratulations on recognizing it early enough to be able to be as strong as you were in letting him go.

    I’m far from a cynic and even in the worst times I still have that dream of being the little old couple that holds hands, but if that means not having kids or being married to an alcoholic, I’d rather be alone in the nursing home with my best friend. Never settle for anything, you can have it all.

  • You can definately have it all. I’m getting married this weekend to the perfect guy for me, but he is not perfect. You just have to find the one that has the same goals and wants for life, who laughs at your stupid jokes and who tells you how lucky he is to have you in his life. He is out there. It just sucks going through the other guys before you find him.

    PS… Swore off guys the DAY before I met the one. Sometimes you have to date the wrong guy to know what you want the right one to be like.

  • Kristin

    It happens to all of us at least once in our lives. We never get over it but we all have to buck up and move on with our fantastic selves.

  • Stephanie

    I get that you’re upset over a break-up but since you’re indirectly calling adoption a consolation prize you may want to re-word that – it’s offensive. And really, while perhaps people did compare you’re life to a sitcom – they were just trying to be nice.

    I hope you are lucky enough to find the man of your dreams and get pregnant since we know how you feel about “consolation prizes”

  • Cin

    H-I love reading your blog. You’ve inspired me to start my own. If you get bored enough, it’s http://www.cin-cincity.blogspot.com. I have a lot of honing of my writing skills to do, but I’m at least starting to focus on one topic at a time instead of jumping around all over the place like my premenopausal mind really wants to. Pay me a visit some time!

  • This Fish

    You know what, Stephanie? I said adopting from a HALF WIT was a consolation prize. But you know what else? Even if I did say what you have wildly misinterpreted, I think you choose to be offended. And no matter what I say about it – as it’s such a sensitive and personal decision – someone would be offended. That seems to be the way the Internet works.

  • Stephanie

    Wow – this break-up did leave you a bit hardened.

    I think that unless you’ve gone through the complexities of adoption or even contemplated it as an option you would know that even those that adopt from “half-wits” as you call them are blessed. So yes, to characterize that as a consolation prize is offensive. I don’t think that you know how difficult the process is. Even if you were just trying to be funny.

    I do hope you find what you’re looking for. B/c it seems that all of the support your readers posted wasn’t enough for you.

  • Deeanna

    Fish, I don’t know how you do it. I’m pissed off reading 98% of these comments and I’m not even in the situation! But I gotta say that Ari’s advice from the other post made me cry. No wonder you two are good friends. Keep writing for her and the others like me that don’t judge you for the words you write, but for the emotion behind them.

  • ginger

    Oh, gosh, I know you don’t need readers to come to your defense Fish, but…

    Stephanie, your last comment “I do hope you find what you’re looking for. B/c it seems that all of the support your readers posted wasn’t enough for you.” made me laugh.

    I know you are offended about the adoption comment and won’t go there. But seriously, you are offended that these comments have not magically pulled Fish out of her sadness over a breakup??!!

    On another note, I agree, breaking up with Pete the millionaire was totally Monica’s big mistake, not Richard.

  • i’ll answer you’re question (and it may, by the looks of things, make your other commentators angry).

    But I agree with you! You were NOT the only one who thought of Monica’s Chandler/Twins deal as a consolation prize.

    However important adoption is to certain people, sometimes being a biological mother is just as important to some women. So you’re not alone in your assumption that Friends wasn’t full of “happily ever afters.”

    also, if i had one piece of advice… it would be to stand by that old saying “sometimes you just know.

    if you had known he was the one… then there wouldn’t have been a doubt in your mind.

  • Michaela

    Two cents, late in the game…

    YOU’RE NO MONICA.

    Therefore the entire comparison is false, unless all the warm, compassionate, non-perfectionist, un-self-centered writing which I’ve enjoyed for a long time now is somehow not indicative of the true Fish.

  • Sue

    It’s lifes way of telling you he isn’t the man for you. Until you experience it, and live it…life doesn’t mean anything unless you have family to share it with. And, if God gives you the blessing to have your own children…then have your own children.

  • sarah g

    hi. i wasnt going to commment. what is there to say really? but wow. people can be harsh. if i had to read these after a break up, i would have been mad. you put your heart out there to share, and wow.

    i dont have any wisdom, no one can. you did what you had to do. good for you. YOU know you. thank you for sharing it with us.

    i’m sorry. it sucks. and i have no cliches. i have no nice words. other than that i’m glad that you have people like ari who love you to be there to help.

    i hope that your next bike ride goes better : )

  • Ari

    Wow Stephanie; what a miserable, cruel and petty little bitch you are. Like it’s offensive to want to birth your children. Not that that’s even what she wrote so add illiterate to my list of complaints about you. Whatever your glaringly obvious issues are, you alone chose to bring them here and twist Heather’s words so you could vent and spew out your little bits of venom. This post wasn’t about you, adoption or the morality/consideration of it.

    You should get your stupid head out of your stupid ass and realize that. But I bet being a bitch sure did feel good for an empty second, didn’t it? What a familiar feeling that must be for you.

  • Pascha

    My comment in the previous post came off as a, “Look, I’m living a happily ever after life!” I didn’t mean it that way. It still hurt like hell. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the image of the man I loved in bed with another woman. And even though I met the man I eventually married only weeks after the breakup, I was still hurting. I’m surprised my husband stuck with me through the “getting through it” process. (And I forgot to mention, the past THREE relationships I had before meeting my husband all ended because the guy cheated on me.) Insecure much? Yup. But he was able to see through the mess that I was, and continued to show me what love really is, that you shouldn’t compromise what you want in a relationship.

    He is by no means perfect, but he’s perfect for me. I never thought I’d be thankful for the heartache I endured, but it showed me what I wanted and taught me to settle for nothing less. My beautiful daughter and husband remind me of that everyday.

    Heather, go enjoy your friends like Ari. She rocks.

  • Pascha

    Um, I meant “he” rocks. Sorry, Ari.

    From This Fish: Actually, Pascha, I changed that for you. Ari is most definitely a “she.” ;)

  • Pascha

    Hehe…I get confused easily, I guess. I was confusing her with someone named Goldner, I think. A friend of Torrie’s? And yours?