On Friday morning I woke up feeling better. I’m sure part of it had something do with admitting how I felt, typing it, putting it out there. My high school English teacher loved the word, catharsis. I do, too.
Now, I still get struck with twinges of sadness, but I’m definitely not wallowing in it anymore. I know this is not how everyone operates, but me, I need to wallow. I have learned to just be sad until I am done being sad, because fighting it, or even hiding it, can lead to some very dark times.
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the kind, healing words you’ve left here. I appreciate them, but to tell you the truth, I am not at all surprised by them. Because I know that there are good, caring people out there – people who experience life in the same kaleidescope of emotions, who love and hurt and trust and mourn as I do. It’s why I continue to blog; I love sharing what makes us human. What I am surprised at are the number of responses from people who are uncomfortable with it. People who needed a time line in order to understand or accept how I felt. People who thought my best friend should have shaken me and told me to “get the hell over it.” People who, with their speculations and cynicism tried very hard to make a good man into a cad, and my prior happiness into a farce.
To the first group of people, let me say this: I guess I never thought it should matter if I knew him six days, six weeks, or six years. I was sad; there doesn’t have to be a reason or a number to justify that. I never meant to confuse anyone, but if it wasn’t clear, you should know I don’t write about the current romantic climate of my life to protect my own interests. Omission saves a new relationship from too much scrutiny, spares the man himself from being too aware of my own tendency to over-think, and it protects me from over-exposing a sometimes too-tender heart.
To the second group, I will say that you have made me feel even more grateful for the friends I have. The non-judging, supportive, wonderful people who choose to share their time with me. The ones who don’t always understand what I feel, but whose first thoughts are of comforting – not shaking me.
Three years ago, I was embroiled in a horribly dysfunctional relationship with a person whose behavior could, at best, be described as amoral, and at worst, just a hair shy of deliberately cruel. And because at the time, I was too busy hating myself for not having enough of a backbone, I didn’t deal with things. Not really. One day, almost two years later, I woke up and realized I was mad. Really, bone-deep angry. And it was like poison. In the time that it took me to understand and process that nasty toxic hate (and it was months), not a single one of my friends uttered anything even remotely so calloused as, “get the hell over it.” I am thankful every single day that they chose me, as I chose them.
And to the third group I say, shame on you. If I have to question his motives, then I am forced to question everything I came to know about him, everything that in my gut felt good and right and true – including and especially my own value. Is it so hard to believe that someone wonderful would think I’m wonderful, too? No. It damn well should not be. He is an honorable man who treated me better and more gently than any before him and you cannot make that into something ugly.
To the rest of you, thank you. For your stories, acceptance and encouragement. I wish I could hand out gold stars.
I imagine that even though it’s truly not my intention, some readers will be offended by this. Some will fume and swear never to read this blog ever again, and vow never to comment. Well, let’s address that right now: we both know you won’t be able to stop yourself. Let’s not kid a kidder. Besides, if I wanted to offend, I’d do it blatantly, by making fun or your wee hands.
Hey, Fish – you still surprise me with the transparency of your writing. I learn from you every time I stop by. Thanks again. And have a great week!
P.S. BTW – your “getting over, under, around & through” post from 2003 is still bookmarked. It helped me get through something and it’s still comforting. Just thought I’d tell you.
Let’s hear it for wallowing; works beautifully for me as well. I think if you don’t allow yourself to feel what your are feeling, you can’t move through the crisis and begin to heal.
You tell ‘em Fish. Count me as one of those who could not relate to exactly what you have been going through, but as one who still sympathized and wished you well. I’m glad you have the good sense to know which comments to ignore for what they are.
Let the stupids be offended. It’s truly unfortunate that in order for them to make sense of what you were feeling, they made you feel worse. I am glad you feel a tiny bit better now and sorry it all happened the way it did.
Everyone deals differently. My way of dealing usually involves getting out of myself, getting on a plane, going on an impromptu road trip by myself, helping somebody paint their house. Anything to let the smoke clear because Iâm not good with the smoke. Your way seems to be getting into yourself and itâs the case for a lot of people I know. So for someone like me, telling someone like you to step away from yourself makes about as much sense as someone like you getting mad at someone like me for the suggestion. Unless you intimately know the person, any advice here is useless. Still I have a feeling that whoever bothered enough leaving a comment telling you to snap out of it, or whatever was said, was more concerned than maliciously inclined. Just like whoever told you the man wasnât worthy of you was probably trying to pay you compliment rather than insult the said man or your relationship.
this is reason #423 that i wish we were friends in real life.
Hey! This is what I tell myself and I will now tell you – When you find someone, you are vested in them two fold…one of them being your head and the other being your heart. Your head can be rationale and realistic, evaluating the situation at hand and helping you make sense of it all, but your heart jumps in head first without a moments thought. Your heart will still love him and until it decides otherwise, your head will just have to deal.
It’s been almost two years since my head decided a certain man wasn’t right for me…unfortunately my heart is STILL in love with him.
Love you and would never judge! Keep it coming, lady!!!
Two “wee” usages in 4 days! Whee!! Glad to hear you’re feeling better. How’s Sir Hal? Comforting?
You are fantastic…this kind of writing is what keeps me coming back and what made me obsessively read through your archives so that I could catch up when a friend introduced me to your blog in early ’07.
Random p.s. When I hear Missy Elliot’s song Can’t Stop the line “Heather Hunter musta got me inspired” makes me laugh because it reminds me about the post that you wrote about being connected/confused with THAT Heather Hunter =) =)
Good for you, Fish! I especially hate those who must turn something that was beautiful into something ugly just because it didn’t work out in the end.
When a wonderful person comes into your life, one that lights you up the way you described, it doesn’t matter how long they stay. I had to fight back the tears when I read your post, since it made me realize how lucky I am to have such a person. You’ll remember him for the rest of your life. Little memories (a smell, the presure of his hugs) will take a long time to stop hurting, but in a way, that’s what is so nice about those memories.
Your strength in enduring and your patience respectable. Knowing yourself well enough to not focus on the negative is totally admirable.
Atta girl, you tell ‘em!!
I believe that people who judge someone with a broken heart harshly for the manner in which they regroup the pieces have never really felt the pain of a truly broken heart.
Thanks for reminding me today to be thankful for my friends. I plan to tell them so today.
Here’s wishing you happy heart today Fish!
Girl, you’re an inspiration! Don’t forget, tears are a sign of strength -not weakness. My guess is the “get over it” group just haven’t cried enough. It’s sort of like emotional constipation. It makes them cranky.
Reading your last couple posts is eerily similar to my own life at the moment. And I find my self nodding and almost tearing up as I read. You somehow managed to say exactly what I’ve been feeling in ways I wasn’t able to. Thank you.
And, I must say that there is nothing like a breakup to show you who your true friends are. Which can hurt even more, but why not get it all out at once? Thanks Fish
Too true, what you say. I’ve been in relationships that lasted mere weeks that took months to recover from. I’ve also recovered strangely fast from much longer and more serious relationships. You never can tell, but the important thing is you take your wallow time and enjoy the company and encouragement of those Friends Who Get You.
I must be a “friend”. My hands are large, like bear.
Amen. Catharsis is a beautiful and powerful thing.
p.s. My sister is now addicted to reading your blog. We text/call/yell to each other “Fish blogged!” Sending you good vibes from southern California!
So glad you are feeling better. And I’m with you on the timeline thing … some people just get wedged under your skin and into your heart no matter how long you’ve known them. I like them the best.
Glad you are feeling better
And I must say, your comment to the spitting man was brilliant! Definitely an effective way of getting him to leave without just cussing him out completely 
I’m am a wallower from way back. I completely understand the need to wallow and process how you feel. We all have our own way of dealing, and others should be respectful of that. I’m happy to hear you’re feeling better!
I’m glad to hear that it’s getting better. And I’m glad to hear you stand up for yourself..and glad to hear that you didn’t let all the negativity get to you.
YOU KICK ASS. I took a year to get over a guy I’d only been with for 2 months and as you said so beautifully its the friends who chose me every day through that funk that matter. you owe it to yourself to take whatever time you need.
I totally understand… I’m someone who needs to allow herself to wallow. Ignoring it does no good – better to just deal with what’s actually there than pretend you’re someone you’re not.
Yours is my favorite blog… mostly because I feel like you say everything that I think. I know that sounds border-line stalker – but I think you’re incredibly intelligent, and you have a very special way with words. It’s more than just being honest… but what more it is, I’m not sure.
You shouldn’t have to justify your feelings – or the integrity of those you choose to have feelings for – to anyone, best friend or not. We’ve all broken a heart or two – no matter how great or wonderful or spectacular we are – and you have every right to stick up for the man you fell for. I think you’re extraordinary and brave just for coming out and saying that you don’t have to hate him for it to hurt.
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and hoping that you continue to grow from this.
You tell ‘em Fish!!!
You go girl!!!
Well said!
I think we need to honor and acknowledge the “kaleidescope of emotions” we all go through; to celebrate that which “makes us human” more often. What’s everybody in such a rush for? Really, are emotions that scary? For those who might want to “shake it out of you,” forget them. They definitely have wee hands and are not worthy of gold stars.
Thank you for posting this blog, I’ve laughed, cried, and reflected on my own life because of the words and experiences you have shared here. Oops…there we go again, getting all emotional.
this post has given me courage to face another day of anonymous jerk posters on my own blog
Thank you.
Maturity goes a long way. I give you a lot of credit for addressing this issue with such maturity and respect. Glad to hear you’ve been feeling a little better lately. I admire your strength.
Being a hopeless romantic, I can’t not believe in finding “The One”, but being shy and scared of falling too fast, too deep, I tend to edge round the periphery of the relationship melee, spending most of my time moderately comfortably single.
Facing heartbreak and still getting up, dusting yourself off, and getting back into the ring terrifies me. I’ve done it enough to know it hurts.
All strength to you, then. You’re braver than me, Heather, and I wish you all the best with the next round.
Thank you, for you, with no apologies.
I’m just getting around to reading all of these posts now. I’m sorry about the breakup Heather; glad you’re feeling better now.
You really are amazing. Your blog makes me very happy. It’s the last one I read every day. I’m glad you’re in my world. I hope one day I will get to meet you and shake your hand and give you a hug for getting me through so much. In the meantime, here’s an interweb hug.
I think the internets will always remind you how wonderful your life and friends are, by showing you the unpleasant things other people are used to thinking and doing.
I’ve been silently cheering for you since the days of J, and have never been tempted to offer any ass-vice or criticism. I have only sympathy and the faith that you’ll always make it through.
You rock! And, yes, you’re right – I couldn’t tear myself away from your blog even if I tried!
Sorry some people suck! You *should* expect the most from life and trust your instincts. Good for you! They are just jealous they do not value themselves enough to do the same. I hope that your current sadness will become a sweet memory as soon as possible and that you find the Tom S./Matthew P. combination of perfection you deserve.
I’ve read for so long…never commented…know that I check daily craving more…However, I just had to add my own experience with being reminded that good people do still exist…You see, I’m one that has believed in the not so recent past that the world is hell and most people are the devil…that good is not alive any more…kind and decent, things of the past. Then, I had a health scare (still going through it actually)…without a soul to turn to, I randomly posted on a random internet portal…needing an ear, perhaps just needing to type into nothingness…and then my inbox was full…full from not only women who could perhaps sympathize, but also with men…lending support – not propositions and ickiness, but honest to goodness support for a stranger…With this, my faith is restored…
Thank you for sharing yourself…from one writer to another, you touch my heart, mind and soul.
I just wanted you to know that you are my favorite blogger. Really the only blogging site that I read. I think that you are great, wonderful, admirable, and strong. I remember the very first time I came upon your site. I quickly went and read all of your blogs before that, that I had missed earlier!! That is how much I loved it. You are so real, realistic, and tell the truth. Raw. People can relate to that. I know that I can. It is also much appreciated. But still, very rare, just the same. You are the Jewel Of the Nile, the Diamond in the Rough. (sp?) You are the special type of person that everyone wants to be friends with and to get to know better. I wish that we all could hang out sometime. If you are ever in St. Louis, MO…let me know. I would love to hang out at our local pub with you & pick your brain! Ha! I also post as Mel and Mel #1, MJ and as Mellissa. So since there are other ppl w/my same name that post on here, I’ll just post as MJLC from now on. Fyi.
FABULOUS post! And I must add that you are a truly gifted writer – please write a novel soon!!
About this current ‘hiccup’ in life, you are dealing with it beautifully – you can only take one day at a time. After my last breakup with a wonderful guy, I found comfort in the thinking if he wasn’t the right one and he was so perfect – just imagine how great its going to be when it is the right one. Keep on keepin’ on!
I totally have a girl crush on you. You rock.
People can be amazing. Amazingly good, amazingly insensitive, amazingly stupid…the list goes on and on. I’m glad to know that your filter is working and you can ignore the stuff that’s unhelpful. I mean, don’t those people think we WOULD get the hell over it if we had it in us yet???
Here’s to happier days (and the prompt arrival of Mr. Makes You Forget All About This)
reading 3 years and your words still haven’t offended me. hugs from Philly.
I agree with everything, particulary the wallowing part because like The Beatles said its “a fool that plays it cool by making his world a little colder”. He must have been a very good man, and I hope it helps you to realize that if there is one man like that then there must also be others like him. Best wishes!
Chin up, Heather! Your blog continues to inspire me (especially your New Year resolutions article) so never apologize for how you feel. Good luck.
Also, do you love Austin? I’m visiting in a couple weeks to decide on if it’ll be my next city to park my ass in.
You’re hurting and sharing. Sharing is good for healing. Healing is important. You’ll just have to trust me on this, but I believe you already know it.
If folks stop reading your blog, then it’s their loss.
I’ll still be stopping by on a regular basis.
Fish,
You rock. Without examining the ups and downs of life I don’t think we can truely know ourselves or begin to understand, empathize with, or appreciate others. Anyone who assumes their way of dealing with an emotional situation is the “right” way has a rather myopic view of what it is to be human. I too had a difficult relationship in the past. As a strong, independent and truely caring person I had to come to terms with my involvement in something unhealthy and uncharacteristic. Very little anger is left, but there are still parts of the person and the relationship that are hard to understand. What I do know is that it was not for me, and when a wonderful, healthy relationship came my way I was able to give it the attention and care it deserves. There is no regret if you let each experience grow the person that you are and you are happy with that person. My wish for you: Keep on overthinking, be good to yourself, be open to the possibilities and let yourself believe when something good appears. It wil
Good for you for dealing with this on your own terms – that’s the only way to move through it.
I also admire you for how well you are able to express yourself in your writing. It is blogs like yours that have inspired me to write again, though I admit not as well as you do it. Keep it up…
I too need to wallow and have come across those who don’t understand that need and feel that shaking sense into me is the better way to go
we are no longer friends
glad you are getting through it, though I know it will be hard – 2 years out and I still occasionally find myself crying for apparently “no reason”
Fish! I am preatty sure after reading the 51 comments before mine, you see that there are more of us who Support you and really do cheer for you then the others that Told you to suck it up, get over it or what have you.
In regards to them I have this to say.
Misery loves Company.
Don’t let them phase you, and I can see they haven’t you just continue being you!
And about 50 other cliches I can post!
I also was somewhat appalled that people would a. be advising you to get over it so quickly, and b. judging a man they know nothing about, even if their intentions were good.
Hell, I did date a cad for just a couple months…this was last spring, and I still get teary about it (not that that is normal I probably need therapy), but I clearly enjoy a good wallow myself.
In any case, thank you for continuing to write about stuff like this. The pain sucks, and life or people or whatever can really just give you a kick you in the nads at times, but there is some comfort in knowing you aren’t alone (for me anyways).
as a woman who continually brings up the names of certain exes in conversation, i know this is the true test of friendship.
(it’s been years… but i think i’m still entitled).
and i too know it’s harder to let the good ones go… that’s what really takes strength.
so let’s pat ourselves on the back,and truly enjoy those real friends:)
I just wanted to say that i just started reading your blogs and i am hooked, just like a fish. I also wanted to let you know that in this life people come and go, but they all leave you with a lesson learned. Maybe you will figure the lesson now, and maybe you wond till later. The great thing about it is that the mystery behind it is worth waiting for. SO imagine, this was a great person, and a realy good friend always told me, the next one will be ten times as wonderful as the one before. Keep your head up and you will be able to make it through the rain, thunder and winds that come to your heart.
Fish, the post you are writing about inspired me. For the last 10 months I have been agonizing over the decision to end a 2 year relationship with someone who I love dearly. I wanted him and marriage and children in the future. He wanted me but not the rest. Your post gave me the strenth to make the break. I just wanted to let you know that. So thanks.
It’s wonderful that you have good friends who’re able to comfort you, & I want you to know I’m a regular reader & I lend my name to the list of people who wish you the best.
I understand the need to wallow and encourage you to do so as long as you need to, with my full support.
Congrats. I need to care less what people think. They’ll think it either way. I love your writing. Thank you for sharing.
Wee Hands! Ha ha! Like the Burger King Commercial! Love it! I know two men with Wee Hands and one of them was presenting in front of a meeting of 40 people (including me) last week and I couldn’t stop staring at his hands. It is so distracting. I just want to press my palm against his to see whose hands are bigger.
man,that was a tangent. Anyhow, I am glad you are normal…all of what you are feeling is totaly normal. But, you already know that
Here I have been lurking for 3 years and now I am going to pipe in…
I am in my mid 30′s, single and all that jazz trying to date in this endless sea of toil and rubish.
I also went thru a TERRIBLE heat break 3 years ago. It left my world crushed and I didnt think I would ever feel my heart beat again. Dragging myself out into that dating scene where men our age have either never been married (red flags there!), been divorced and now want that 20-something bimbo, want someone to take care of them or the random Russian spy (yes I had one of THOSE dates.) What I have learned is when the right one comes along you will have made such a impact on his life that he will run thru razor blades to be with you, even if that means he has to get his butt into therapy.
You are a wonderful person, never let anyone make you think differently. I dont know if you are like me, Im not looking for some fantasy but I sure as hell want respect and nothing more. GOOD LUCK! KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!
Ahh, a fellow wallower. And I also know the experience of having someone completely “get me” but have it not work out for quite similar reasons it seems. Though the pain was excruciating and I felt my heart was literally breaking, the authentic experience was worth every tear in the end. (stages of mourning a loss, I suspect) And somehow I know I will do it again. I have learned, by coming to know extraordinarily pragmatic people, (who appear to me to live comparably boring lives) that not everyone is “wired” this way. If it was authentic, what rises to the top of the bubbly cauldron of memories is those moments of genuine bliss…and I savor them each time in a different way. (It seems you are already doing this) They shape and reform my expectations and “filters”. No one is perfect and no time is perfect. My current theory: Only the moment can be perfect and it must be appreciated for what it is and then determined if there is more to build on. By the way, you are such an eloquent and introspective writer.
Well put!!
Bravo!
This was such a wonderful, honest post. Thank you for sharing! I’ve been a reader for quite a while, but this is the first time I’ve commented. I was really moved by what you wrote and I admire your courage!
THANK YOU!! THANK YOU!! A friend sent me the last few pots. I have to admit its a great feeling to know that someone else has gone through what I am currently going through. I fell for a man twice my age and God did I hear it from those around me. It was only 8 months but as you describe he made me feel wonderful and more amazing than any other man that has ever come into my life. We had the same talk and almost the same sentence was spoken to me. I knew…deep down it would never work. We are on different paths in life, but still every time I see him I melt. I carry that feeling with me and its hard at times, but I know what I’m looking for now and hopefully someone else…who has the same goals as me will make me feel the same! So, again thank you! It brought tears to my eyes, but good tears!
just wanted to de-lurk to wish your happiness back soon. everyone heals in different ways– don’t let anyone else tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel. it’s what makes us all human and unique, and we treasure that about each other. take care!
My BFF is the perfect blend for helping me work through things. She never says get over it….she allows me the time to vent, cry, be upset, and then tries to help me move past it. Even when I take that step back, which we all do, she is always there to listen to me wallow all over again. I would have never made it through my son’s dad getting married(less than a year after we split), I would have never learned how to open my heart again, and I would have never made it through the past few weeks of wallowing if it weren’t for her.
I love this blog and this is exactly what I needed to read tonight.
That third group needs to go get a life.
Sorry that you got comments like that.
I fell in love once with someone who I will always love and who will be one of the big loves in my life…we only spent one summer together. My friends could have easily said “Get over it” when I mourned the loss of our relationship for, well, at 6 months, but realistically a year. I thought, damn it, you were only with him 3 months before he moved away, but still….those 3 months were the happiest of my life….and I learned what it’s like to be loved for me. I would never want to miss that.
The last time my “friend” fit right into the third group by shoveling venomous comments down my throat about how a good guy “didn’t care about” me I ended up in tears….THAT is not what friends do. We are all lucky to have the kind of friends who will be there to support us when we are down and struggling. Glad to know that you have some of those.
Thanks so much for sharing your heartache. Makes me feel not so alone in mine. I too break down in tears in all the wrong places and all the wrong times. You get to the point where you feel like you’re never not crying. But somehow you do get through it.
It’s great that you have such supportive friends. I unfortunately had to deal with many who had the “get over it already” attitude. I also had ones that enjoyed pointing out his flaws and telling me how I deserved better. How do they not realize that doesn’t help?!? Wish I had your friends.
Au contrair (forgive me, I took spanish in school) Miss Fish, this post proves above all things your own capacity to keep us coming back. Everyone deals with the heartbreaks, the ups, the downs in their own way and I say kudos to you for being so upfront about your own way.
It’s one of the many reasons I know I keep coming back for more. That and I’d like to think we’d make fabulous coffee drinking buddies.
You are my hero.
Right on, Fish! I was confused by the ‘When did this happen?’/'How long did it last’ comments. As if it mattered. The when and how were not relevant to your post. For the record, I’m a damn cynical person and an active misanthrope, but I never doubted for a second that he cared about you or that your feelings and subsequent heartbreak were not genuine.
Like I said earlier, I was embroiled in a very awkward situation that ended badly. One of my friends questioned whether what he and I had was significant. Her doubt hurt me more than his behavior. Assuming I cared more for him than he did for me, I still fail to see how it made my devastation any less valid. Same goes for you. Hang in there.
I’ve been wallowing for over a month now from my break-up. And I hate it, I just want to stop thinking about him. I don’t want to think I’m jaded, but right now I don’t want to love anymore. I don’t want to give anyone else the chance to hurt my heart so much that it’s hard to breath. I’m happy for those who find love, after the experiences that I’ve had I’d rather just be by myself than give it another try.
I’m just tired.
Thanks for letting me vent!
I realize that you wrote this in January but i am new to the online blogs and such but not at all a stranger to the internet – im 22 just graduated college two weeks ago and kind of recently got out of a 4 month relationship if you want to call it that- and ive been very upset and felt like i was going crazy a little, and all of my friends have said it was only 4 months imagine how upset you would be if it were longer and that always made me so upset and angry but i never said anything, i LOVED that you said ” I guess I never thought it should matter if I knew him six days, six weeks, or six years. I was sad; there doesn’t have to be a reason or a number to justify that”
that is exactly how i have always felt and i just wanted to say thank you for putting it into words for me
You couldn’t have said this any better. I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend, and I can totally relate to this blog. He and I simply did not want the same things. Am I supposed to hate him for that? I would not appreciate it if he or his friends and family hated me for that! It really sucks that our relationship ended, but it is what it is, and I could scream and yell and throw things (and sometimes I want to!) but what good would that do? And what good would it do to hate him? None of those thing would bring him back or change his mind, and I wouldn’t feel any better about myself. Why can’t people accept the break up, as I have, without all the hate? There’s enough hate in this world!
It’s good that you used your writting as an outlet from a difficult situation. You did the right thing you did what you had to do for you. People are going to bad mouth you whether things are good or bad, they have to have something or someone to talk about, that’s just how life is. One thing that I’ve learned living life is that you have to do thing that suits you not anyone else. all our life are indevisuals and we live them according to us not anyone elses. If we all lived according to others we would all be in the same place in our lives. You do you and only for you and let everyone else be out for themselves. We don’t know when our time is comming so we should live to please ourselves, but not causing pain to anyone else. Live, Love, Laugh.