I’d peeled my eyes away from the Pats game just long enough to watch him spit a big, fat, gooey wad onto the floor of the sports bar.
“Did he really just do that? Do people do that?”
Colleen nodded. We stared. The Spitter – a wee man with an oversized personality – went on to display so many varieties of bad behavior (the spitting was really only the beginning), that we wondered if we should have been paying for the show. He eventually noticed us watching, misinterpreted our awe for admiration, and made his way over. And lucky me, I was sitting on the end. An easy target.
When offering me a high-five failed (the Patriots had just scored), he tried rubbing up against me. We wanted nothing to do with him, but that only seemed to fuel his fire. He kept squaring off his shoulders, doing some strange nature channel dance. Finally, Jamie decided to let him in on the error of his ways.
“We’re just a bit… disconcerted with all the spitting. On the floor.”
He denied. We pointed to the gross evidence.
“I was starting to feel sorry for you,” I said. “For being raised without a mother.”
He looked dejected (the expression on his face had Colleen and me in giggles for several minutes) and went away. But then he was back, another beer in hand, ready to try again. More spitting. More rubbing up against me. He was cocky to an extreme I hadn’t experienced in a long, long time.
“Please go away,” I said, finally. I didn’t want to be rude, but there were lines being crossed, and my patience was being tried.
“Why are you so serious?”
“Why are you so gross? GO. AWAY.”
He did. And then he came back. Again with the rubbing and the high-fives.
Now, I have a pretty good idea of what it must be like to be a short man in a society that treasures its tall-dark-and-handsomes. As a fat bottomed gal living in an ultra low-rise jean world, I get it, believe me I do. But that doesn’t mean you will see me behaving badly in public because I resent the genetic curse of being pear shaped. I throw my tantrums in private. Mostly in dressing rooms. And if I can mind my manners… well, I think it’s a shame to allow a really well-developed Napoleonic complex to go unrewarded.
“Wow,” I said, admiringly, as he offered another high five. “You have really little hands!”
We didn’t see him again for the rest of the night.
Gah! The ‘please go away’ should have been enough…he must have been a tiny masochist.
HA! I love it…..”really little hands” *snicker* gotta be the best put down ever.
I want to be like you when I grow up.
That has happened before this little guy just stayed at my heels all night. not really talking just hovering.
I was soo annoyed when he finally introduced himself
him: Hey I am Baltazar, do you want me to get you another drink
me: I am sorry can’t hear your name is what Barnacle?
Him: Not Baltazar, not barnicale that sticks to…. oh ok.
EXIT Barnacle
I love your occasional use of the word “wee.”
The “high five” episode of Seinfeld was on the other night. It was enough for Elaine to break up with Putty. “It’s just so… primative!”
Oh, Heather, you’ll never get married at this rate!
Love,
M
I have to agree with Michael (sort of). You kind of need to lay off- no reason to be quite so rude. In those situations I find it’s best just to simply and politely ignore- I think that’s pretty effective in itself and of course just a bit nicer.
love it, love it!!
It really is true about men with small hands and feet. I prefer men in 5’8″ range, so I don’t mind ‘not-tall’. but the little ones have got to go.
Too shay.
And PS – you are NOT fat-bottomed. But thanks for getting that song in my head!
Politely ignore!? I say if the guy didnât get the hint the first time she asked him to go away then screw being polite! Some people are too dumb to take a hint!
Laurie, I think she tried to be a “bit nicer” the first three times he showed up. Why is a woman required to be nice to someone who is clearly not getting the picture? Can’t a woman go out with her friends, have some drinks and hang out without having to worry about some guys fragile feelings? More power to you Fish!
Um, nice was attempted and got nowhere, direct was attempted and got nowhere (“GO AWAY”), so girl feel free to use your best weapon- your wit- to not let your night be ruined. Having this guy around is a bigger deterent to meeting marriage material than anything else could be!
Politely ignore? Are you on crack? Once the “rubbing up against” starts, rude is the only way to go. Nice job, Heather…and this is from a man with not-so-large hands.
Oh yes… ignore someone who repeatedly can’t take a hint, because it’s -so- impolite to stick up for yourself and to ask the offender to respect your boundaries. Yes, what a vile bitch that Fish is.
great post!
I don’t know how you put up with the criticism of some of your readers… but kudos to you! Thank you for sharing.
Heather & Michael — As if any self-respecting girl would WANT to be married to a tiny disgusting rude little man! Do you really think marriage is ever girl’s ultimate goal?! Most especially to men like that who think they’re God’s gift to women?! No, she did not need to be nicer to this guy, she did exactly what lots of us single girls are too afraid to do — she stood up for herself in the face of someone who needed a good kick in the pants.
I’m going to file this leprechaun in the same category as the guy who gets your number and then insists on verifying that it works by making you show him your phone while he calls it. In other words, the “instant remorse” file.
ah! forget the last couple of comments, you being less than enthusiastic about this guy is completely understandable.
rude is repeatedly approaching women who aren’t interested in you.
rude is spitting.
expressing your lack of interest in a clear manner? i think that’s actually pretty classy… and not rude at all.
and if ignoring men in a bar was actually a way to get them to lay off then we’d probably be a little “nicer.”
but the bottom line is, some guys come back for more until you tell them off in a STERN motherly manner:)
You. Go. Fish.
Simply and Politely ignoring people doesn’t always do the trick. When touching is involved, I will get as nasty as I need to be. One night a complete stranger licked me from elbow to shoulder sand said “mmm baby, you’re sweet.” You don’t friggin politely ignore that ****! you give his crotch a nice tasty drink of your beer.
Screw that. You probably waited a lot longer than I would have to tell him to disappear. Some people are oblivious to subtle hints and need something a little more– elementary. Like a suggestion that his small hands= small manhood… sadly must be true because he shirked away…
This is an excellent story. I agree, the “go away” should have been enough.
Wow. I’m with exposed. There was really nowhere else to go with that one. Hilarious. If guys are gonna act like asses, they’ve gotta expect some sass when a self respecting woman has to tell them repeatedly to back off.
Go fish!
Ok, everyone, I get it. He was a jerk and yes “please go away” should have been enough. I just think he was probably hanging on more to entertain himself than anything else. Kind of like a little kid who knows that he is bothering someone and continues to do so for the sheer entertainment of it. I also just think there’s no reason to be flat out mean, which I know Heather isn’t. I get it. I probably haven’t articulated myself well, but I get it.
I so agree with Fish here. When I see people spit, even on the street, I start to think the world might be a better place if these people were just rounded up and deported to some distant island. What’s the odds that these people are productive members of society anyway?
And as far as men in bars… if a girl is interested in you, YOU WILL KNOW IT. If you come over to chat, and she doesn’t seem enthused, WALK AWAY. If a girl is out at a bar with the intent of meeting a guy, she’s not going to play hard to get. I’m usually painfully polite, but I have never for a minute felt guilty about being mean to men in bars who won’t leave me alone.
BTW, The other day, this girl was eating sunflower seeds in the elevator of my building, and while her and her boyfriend were commenting what a good job they did waxing the floors… she was spitting seeds on them.
Nice backtrack, Laurie. Had you been wondering what it would feel like to be misunderstood or criticized for what you write? No? Oh, well, saved you the wondering, I guess.
My point, Marc, is that personally I think people in general could stand to be a bit nicer. In my opinion, Fish was acting in a rude way in this situation. I like Fish a lot, I really do.
I promise, everyone, that I will stop leaving comments. I just have to say that Marc, your comment makes me wonder why people feel the need to cut each other down so quickly.
Wow. So much tension out there. Maybe I should go back to talking about adoption.
ha. this is brilliant! if the politely ignoring angle doesn’t work… it’s time to bring out the big guns. bravo, i say!
Well played!
And I think your next post should be about half-wits and small-handed people who marry and choose adoption.
Waiting on the edge of my seat…
Heather,
Come to the North Texas Irish Festival (in Dallas, Fair Park) on Feb 29 – Mar 2 this year. Lots of tall guys. Lots of good beer (Guinness, Harp, Bass etc.) Yummy food, yummy band members, some who have Irish or Scottish accents. Bring your friends & relatives. Or volunteer and get in free plus a free beer ticket. Volunteer for 2 shifts and get a free t-shirt too. It’s not as good as traveling to the UK, but it’s pretty good.
When I was in college, lots of older men would be hanging around campus bars on game days (football, hockey etc.-I went to a Big Ten school). When they would ickily hit on me and my other 21 year old friends, I would ask how old they were. Anything in the mid-40s or older got a wide-eyed, “wow, you’re old enough to be my dad!” Mean, possibly. Effective, always.
And you weren’t cutting Fish down there, Laurie? Interesting . . .
Wishing you soft kleenex and tall dark and handsome men, Fish!
I’m pretty sure Michael’s comment was a joke. Peeps need to lighten up in here!
HAHAHA I always wonder what’s going through those little brains when they act like that…. so weird!!!
I love it. Even the spittiest, gross-est bar offender can be run off by reference to his tiny… hands.
My Southern mama would have been horrified by his manners. I would have been horrified, period.
You go, Fish!
So funny…so gross. A girl should be able to watch the Pats game without being rubbed on by a spitter. I think that’s even in the Bill of Rights…
Damn girl you’re funny! I want to marry you and have your babies right now. I laughed in my belly five times. FIVE! First with the mother comment. Then the dressing room tantrums, the Napoleonic complex and then small hands. Finally the comment about adoption. I so needed this today. You.are.awesome.
Eww, totally grossed out by this guy. Nice comeback. : )
Glad you’re feeling well enough to leave the house again. See, things will get better, slowly.
ewwww little man hands!!
Maybe next time you could try the opposite approach, and mention how you love to wear expensive rings and push strollers. Possibly make references to your future children, which you have already named.
However, if you find a guy it doesn’t terrify, you’re on your own.
Maybe next time you could try the opposite approach, and mention how you love to wear expensive rings and push strollers. Possibly make references to your future children, which you have already named.
However, if you find a guy it doesn’t terrify, you’re on your own.
I just read your last post on your blog. Can I be your very cool mother who hangs out with you and your friends? or maybe your cool aunt?
This guy was probably too drunk to care about being polite. Fish should have been more aggressive in her approach to teach this nit wit a lesson for being rude. Women do not need to behave gingerly. Some times it makes sense to take control of the situation, stop the non sense rather than letting it go on. Women need to be more assertive and controlling of their environments. Men appreciate and adore such independent women.
Hi Fish..
I’m sorry you’re so sad.. a broken
heart is a terrible thing.
However, I have to tell you that I get
suspicious of men who travel 30 miles
to deliver flowers – it’s showy, its
romantic but its NOT real.
I’ve been married for 25 years and
spent many years before that going out
with a lot of men of all types.
The loving, faithful good guys are the
ones who AREN’t showy, but are there
for you when you need them, who are
straightforward and reliable.
From my wide acquaitance of long-term
couples over three continents and three
decades, I can say that the romantic
ones have a MUCH higher rate of cheating
on their wives, and represent a much
higher rate of divorces.
Go for the un-flashy ones. They’re
still interesting and fun.
My best wishes
Hmmm, Shari McCynic. I think that post was unnecessary. Who are you to question his motives? Making a generalization that romantic guys cheat, and boring ones don’t, you have no basis for that opinion.
Fish take your own time to heal. You don’t need any of us to tell you how to feel, what to do.
Just know that there are people, even ones who really don’t know you, who send their support to you. *hugs*
I love it!!!!!
As a guy who has been turned away by maaaaaaany women in social situations, let me say that you waited TOO long to send the boy away. But good on you for doing it. I would rather get the “GO. AWAY.” early on every time.
But the spitting? I like to spit. I spit a lot. I have had spitting contests. One of my favorite college roommates was a spitter. But I have never spit on a floor of a public place ever. Ever. They could only be serving sunflower seeds and watermelons and I just could not imagine spitting in that situation.
OMG that’s funny! I agree, spitting is GROSS!! Turns me off super fast! And I love your blog.
My wife was in a elevator with a woman who just decided she had to pee. Right in the elevator, at that moment. Biggest issue, she was riding the elevator in the hospital she manages, with the chief of surgery. D’oh!
Ewww… that guy sounds nasty! Glad you sent him packing… And I really find the whole spitting thing gross too – on the floor!? Indoors?! Yuck yuck yuck!
My friends, with three wives (two still living) I never joke about marriage.
And then there is this:
Hodel, oh Hodel, have I made a match for you.
He’s handsome! He’s young! All right, he’s 62.
But he’s a nice man, a good catch. True? True!
I promise you’ll be happy. And even if you’re not,
There’s more to life than that. Don’t ask me what!
Chava! I’ve found him! Will you be a lucky bride!
He’s handsome. He’s tall! That is, from side to side.
But he’s a nice man, a good catch, Right? Right!
You’ve heard he has a temper. He’ll beat you every night.
But only when he’s sober–so you’re all right!
Brilliant. Bloody Brilliant.
small hands…smells like cabbage?!
well done, fish! well done!
Sometimes rudeness (him) needs to be met with brashness (reality). No need for everyone to get their panties in a bunch.
I find it hilarious and your wit was appropriately delivered.
haha fish i love you! i agree just talk about adoption again clearly thats less offensive!.. ahaha
You know what happens to the “vertically challenged” men of whom you speak? At least for one, he gets his dream career (no, it does not involve power or big bucks) and his dream girl. That would be me, at least according to him. I get that you think you can relate because you think your “bottom heaviness” presents the same problems. In my experience, it doesn’t – the “short men” get it far worse than someone who can’t wear the skinny jeans. It’s nice not to have the competition from those who dismiss short men as Napoleonic or worse.
You know what happens to the “vertically challenged” men of whom you speak? At least for one, he gets his dream career (no, it does not involve power or big bucks) and his dream girl. That would be me, at least according to him. I get that you think you can relate because you think your “bottom heaviness” presents the same problems. In my experience, it doesn’t – the “short men” get it far worse than someone who can’t wear the skinny jeans. It’s nice not to have the competition from those who dismiss short men as Napoleonic or worse.
Um, Deena? Unless your short fella is behaving badly, I don’t see what you have to be so defensive about.
“the ‘short men’ get it far worse than someone who can’t wear the skinny jeans.”
DEENA, NO THEY DO NOT.
I hear guys sneer about fat girls all the time. But pretty girls still date short men.
I’m an average-looking girl, and I don’t care about mens height. But plenty of short men have rejected me. It’s not as hard for them as you think.
Kinda mean talking about his mother didn’t raise him right. Comments like that can cause unessary trouble. I would’nt watch someone spitting if I saw it happen the frist time I would have turned away. When he approached my friend and I, he would have been told then to get out of my space. Meaning that I’m not interested go away. There is always a way to speak to someone know matter how gross they may be to you. Just know what you do and how you are always comes back to you.