With five minutes left before my guests were supposed to arrive, the table was set, the hors d’oeuvres were laid out, and the kitchen was quickly becoming a pizza-making inferno. In seconds, my forehead was dotted with sweat beads and my shirt became glued to my back; I felt as though I was having a premature brush with menopause. Desperate for relief, I grabbed a cold bottle of soda I’d set out on the table, twisted the cap and… it exploded.
All over the table, all over the microfiber chairs and – as I rushed the Dr. Pepper volcano to the sink – all over the kitchen floor. Noooooo! I couldn’t believe my dumb luck. The book club gals – who are notoriously skillful homemakers, capable of putting on elaborate spreads at a moment’s notice – were seconds away from ringing my doorbell. I was already feeling domestically inadequate (you want an elaborate spread at my place and you’d better give me several hours and a personal assistant) without shit exploding.
The situation reached its comical climax when I snatched the mop from the pantry and watched its head fall off in the sink.
I took a deep breath, armed myself with Shout wipes and an armful of paper towels and prayed to any deity within earshot that the night would improve.
And boy, did it. In our book club, while most of us take a good stab at reading the monthly selection, no one makes any attempt to discuss it when we get together. And that’s the way we like it. We eat, gossip, make forecasts about Berkley’s romantic life, and in last night’s case, thumb through sex toy catalogs. Now, I may not know a whole lot about being a graceful hostess, but I do know my way around… personal satisfaction devices. If it’s edible, I’ve probably tasted it. If it’s battery operated, I’ve probably had a sword fight with it in a SoHo boutique. We all have our areas of expertise, and mine is obviously not the kitchen.
And when I say the night got better, I mean it ended with me volunteering to host July’s book club/sex toy party, where the monthly reading assignment will be a Harlequin Romance novel. Does it get much better than that?
Personally, I’m really looking forward to the heaving bosoms.
and the strong shafts….
fab! this sounds like the best book club ever.
Book clubs are the best! I am glad to see yours combines the fine art of reading and erotic pleasure too. My book club threw me a sex toy party when I got divorced – and believe me, I stocked up. No girl should be without a book club and a nice piece of vibrating equipment.
Way to recover, Fish! That kind of accident would have me reaching for anything chocolate and/or carbohydrate-laden for comfort!! Good to know that Shout! wipes work on short notice!
I’ve got your heaving bosom RIGHT HERE.
Hey, maybe I should start a book club/sex toy party thing in my little town! It would probably been seen as kind of scandalous in a tiny town of 5000, but I bet you it’s sure needed!
You need to become a consultant with passionparties.com! Make some money at your next book club/sex toy party! And no, I am not a consultant or affiliated with them in any way, nor have I ever been to one of their parties… I had just heard of them a while back and it was the first thing I thought of when I read your post! It’s kind of like Mary Kay for sex toys
When it comes down to it, what really matters more: Homemaking or sex toys? Clearly the answer is sex toys. As long as you’re skilled in that arena, you’ll be fine. Trader Joes and Brisol Farms can handle the rest…
Can I recommend Carly Phillips for your Harlequin choice? She’s one of my favorite guilty pleasures who heaves her bosoms and hard-bodied men into story lines fit forthis century and NEVER puts Fabio on the cover!
I’m glad you posted this today. After your last one, I was starting to get a bit worried, even though you were obviously moderating comments. Typical of me to be unnecessarily worried about someone I’ve never even met! Anyway, I’m wondering if it was you that directed me to the babeland website a while back. That is one of the greatest resources ever. And last but not least, you are clearly a domestic deity if you can clean up exploding Dr Pepper with Shout wipes and paper towels.
I love you!
What a coincidence. My Book Club meets on Sunday to discuss the Very Virile Viking (quite a chance from our normal fare). Our refreshments include champagne and two chocolate fountains–one for white chocolate, the other for dark chocolate. The menu and book were selected in honor of Valentine’s Day. Hadn’t thought of bringing toys…
Awesome story! Took me back to the evening when I, similarly 5 minutes away from company arriving, watched my cat drag his heinie across the pale green carpet and leave a 3 foot long brown poo-stripe. Ew.
Book Club! I’m jealous even without the sex toy catalogs. Fish – how did you find your book club?
How did some of you other readers get involved with your book clubs? I’d love to start one or find one.
Is Ari mad at you Fish?
No, why would you ask that?
Reminds me of the party I threw last fall. I prepped all day and was rushing to get things done. About 45 minutes before guests wqer to arrive I slashed my finger quite badly on a freshly sharpened cleaver. After cursing and a brief panic moment, I stoped the bleeding, ensured there was no tendon damage, wrapped the finger and continued to prep and host the party. Once all the guests had left, I went to the ER, to take 4 stitches. Got home at 6am and went to bed.
Didn’t bleed on any of the food, and hosted an awesome party!
now that’s my kind of book club – I may need to establish the Vancouver chapter …
you seem like the type of fish who would enjoy the jane austin series that masterpiece theater is showing via public t.v on sunday nights. plenty of heaving bosoms, passion, drama and excitement- enough to make a girl swoon!..
My goodness, but you sure know how to have a good time!
At least there were no emergency trips to the ER while making gazpacho.
So is it coincidental that as I read this, the advertisement on the far right of the page is for KY Personal Lubricant?
Awesome story! I would interested to hear how you got your book club started up. Found them online? I’ve always wanted to have a book club but I don’t have any reader friends, or I don’t have enough of them to have a book club, ya know?
Hahaha… that’s so great! Congrats on turning a would-be disaster into such a fun and successful night. Gotta love a book club that’s all about sex toys and romance novels. Where can I sign up???
I wonder if I could somehow tie-in a sex toy party with the bookclub I started at my Wine Store?!! What an excellent idea!
Good Vibrations is also a good resource (for the toys, not the books).
my friends and i flip through edible sex toy catalogs all the time.
The last post I saw her on was her commenting back on a comment you made about women who knew a lot about sports being fake or something to that effect……
This add whole new meaning to the debate about why Americans are spending less time reading than ever before…
Despite my best intentions, I have yet to make it to my book club, though I’ve been getting invites for months. January was supposed to be the first time- and then I had home drama and still didn’t make it.
Yours sounds like a hoot. I wanna join.
Hah, I thought you were going somewhere MUCH different with the elaborate spread joke
Oh, heavens, do I ever feel you on the “five minutes until everyone gets here and the spaghetti is the wrong color…” oh, sorry, I mean, “and the soda exploded.” But, sex toy discussion? Hmmm. Me likes.
why can’t i find anything like this where i live?
onto meetup.com, will i be able to search “sex-toy fun” and “book club” to find similar groups? one can only dream.
love it!
That reminds me so much of my book club! (We’re named the Eager Beaver book club after a sex toy experience one of us had.) We had one of the sex toy passion parties for our December meeting and it was SO MUCH fun. Like your group, we rarely actually get around to discussing the book, but we always have a great time!
Hi, I think you are a wonderful writer. I love reading your blogs. My favorite so far has been the girl vs woman one…Will look forward to reading more in the days to come.
Good choice! I enjoy the Harlequin heaving bosoms meself
NOW you’re talking girlfriend. I wish that I could belong to your bookclub. I need a bit more community in my life!
I, too, am a resident in the Dallas area, (and a long time reader, Welcome..)I know of a place in Dallas hiring for Office Administration. I know that isn’t exactly your area of expertise, but it sounds promising and could be something to get you going. If you’re interested, email me, and I’ll send more info.
P.S. My friend on the Volkswagen forum works for the company, as a fellow driver, I thought I’d share with you.
Hi ladies! My friend sent me this link because she loves this blog and now I think I’m hooked too.
This post cracked me up! I actually do Passion Parties as a side job when I’m not completely freaking out about being a full-time veterinary student, so if any in Texas want to host a party, let me know! If you host one you get free stuff and I’ll actually come in and do all sorts of games and things during the evening while I show off all the products. At the end everyone can order! My URL is in my profile if you’re interested. 
Funny thing is, I also read (and write) Harlequins…lol I wish I could join this book club.