My mother never owned china. Where I grew up, mothers just didn’t have those sorts of fancy things. Even the neighbors who had more than we did, didn’t have that much more. I mean, the Have-Mores might own two cars (cars that ran!), or a trampoline. They might watch cable TV, and wear jeans from the mall instead of Kmart, but they did not eat off of china. And in our house, where parents went without wedding bands until I was in junior high (they hawked them to give us Christmas one year), the fancy dishes were, if memory serves, Correll, and probably hand-me-downs from grandparents. They had yellow flowers on them. And my mother who holds onto things still drinks her tea from one of those cups every morning.
One day last month, she decided it was high time she owned some china. Real, delicate, fancy lady china. Truthfully, I was more than a little surprised at the purchase. She really isn’t one to do frivolous. I know it’s a throwback to those all those years when we could barely do necessity, much less frivolity. Because even now, it’s hard enough to get her to ‘splurge’ on a pair of forty dollar shoes that she could wear every day for the whole summer. So buying expensive plates that may see the light of day once a year was really something to celebrate. We put on dresses, dressed the table up in white lace, and had us a dinner party. On a random Sunday.
I have a tiny hope that this is just the beginning of things, and that one day, all on her own, my mother will come home from the mall with something… she paid full price for. And all the villagers will cheer, because she will have singlehandedly restored the economy.
I just want my mom to treat herself more. Even if it’s on sale…Mom: buy that $20 shirt that you say you can’t afford (even though you have an actual comfortable salary and I make next to NOTHING and would buy it without thinking much of it). I want to be cliched and just say she’s worth it.
She bought several outfits for a wedding, decided they don’t work for this particular wedding, but KEPT them anyway for another occasion. Step in the right direction.
And your dinner party sounds like perfection.
This villager is already cheering for your mom! My parents were much the same way. My mom has made the slow transition to ‘payer of full price’. She called me one day, absolutely giddy with joy from purchasing her FIRST EVER, BRAND NEW set of living room furniture. I could feel her beaming over the phone. Her days of hand-me-down reject furniture were OVER. Well, for the living room, anyway. I couldn’t have been happier for her. My DAD however, still holds on to every penny until it dies a slow, painful suffocating death.
I’m really glad that your mom got to do something frivolous for herself. I’ve spent a lot of the last year working on getting my mom to do nice things for herself (although, we shop for sale items together still), and it’s so much FUN to watch her glow as a result.
A lovely story! I tease my mother now about her walk-in closets and massive make-up collection (her bathroom is a Chanel boutique, really) but I remember as kids when, as my sisters and I joke now, we’s was po’. Or, at least, it felt like we were. I later discovered it was more my father’s controlling of every dollar…including my mom’s salary. Gallon jugs of egg shampoo; bags of puffed wheat taller than I was; rubber boots as winter boots…but, heh, it built character. Yeah.
My mom is on her own now, in a beauty of a new house with no mortgage, and deserves every indulgence.
Tea tastes extra delicious from a china cup.
I feel you on this one. I think my last year in high school, my mom FINALLY bought her first-ever set of glass dishes (that matched!!), instead of the plastic ones we grew up with.
“Splurge” on forty dollar shoes though? She still can’t commit. I’m hoping confetti falls from the sky when that happens (or at least raindrops, and lemon drops and gum drops?)
Awww, that’s awesome! We had the Corell with the green flowers. But the other day, my Dad sent my Mom out shopping, telling her to “kick start the economy.” Gotta love that.
My mom loves to shop, but always feels tight on money. So she’ll spend an entire day shopping and then the next day she’ll take it all back. Out of spending $400 she might keep $20 worth. The people at the return counters know her by name. I think her antics are silly, but then I find myself buying things knowing I’ll probably end up taking them back. Most of the time I “forget” though.
Oh and we had the same correlle plates growing up too.
Isn’t it wonderful to see a parent start to treat themselves after they gave so much?
I love it, that’s great…my mom, too, could use some more frivolity in her life.
That’s really sweet. My parents are still supporting my deadbeat, almost 30-year old sister despite being almost completely retired and it drives me crazy that they can’t just relax and enjoy their retirement that they worked hard for all their lives. They just don’t see it that way though. She’s still the kid and so they have to take care of her. I doubt she’ll ever be in a position to take care of herself, let alone them. Sorry, the mini rant is over now. I just wanted to say that I feel your joy. My suggestion for your mother’s next China party is high tea with finger sandwiches and scones.
I really hope your random Sunday dinner party becomes a regular occasion
My mother, when I can get her to buy something new, takes it home, folds it nicely and puts it in the bottom drawer. When asked what she is doing….she replies, “I’m saving it for good.” Which means – the right “good” occasion…it drives me nuts – ’cause by the time the right occasion comes along, she forgets she has something perfect to wear!
God bless her…..and I know I am destined to become her
…sigh….
Frivolity – that word always brings to mind Fr. Mulchahy on MASH saying it.
A fancied up dinner with real china is the best. We pull out Mom’s wedding china a couple of times a year. I’ll have to talk to her about doing that again soon.
I had my first bout of personal frivolity this week- I got my first ever manicure and pedicure yesterday. And then I got in a tanning bed. It was amazing (& a little terrifying) to spend that much on something just for me. I actually felt “girly” *giggle*
I think I’ll spring for my daughter to “spa” later this week. It’s her senior prom (& her first real date).
My dad bought my mom the most elegant, simple, not-name brand china for their wedding (which is suprising because it was the early 80′s when everything was over the top and ridiculous) and I can’t wait to call them my own because I’ve never seen her use them in my mere 24 years. NEVER! I can’t wait to call them my own so that I can show off my hand-me-down plates that I’ve loved since I was a little girl! Nevermind that the first reason I fell in love is because the design is my name. After I learned that, I knew it was fate… we belonged together…
When I first moved into my apartment (the first time EVER living alone & on my own), my mom handed down her correll dishware to me. I admit that I love it! I tried to convince her to buy some china and she opted for a new correll dishware set! Treating ourselves is soo important. We all deserve a moment of bliss while we frivol a day away!
oh, yay mom! we grew up the same way. even now when we go out to dinner as a family I’m SHOCKED when my dad suggests the luxury of luxuries … an appetizer.
There is something to say about eating a meal off China. Growing up there were alot of hand me downs. Bikes, clothes, furniture and yes dishes. My grandmother passed china to my mother that I bet she never used, neither did my mother. It sat in the same spot for as long as I can remember. Last year my mother passed it on to me and I did the most logical thing I could think of. I threw out all my old dishes and now eat off nice China everyday. Life is too short to wait till there is an occassion. Everyday should be an occassion! My mother giggles now and wonders why she never thought of it!
My frugal mother has only now, in her mid-fifties, started to enjoy the fact that she’s done quite well for herself, and I couldn’t be happier about it! When she called to tell me that she’d bought a new car, and not the economical Nissan Sentra that would have been her go-to car of choice years ago, but the SUV she really wanted (she lives in the mountains so it’s a legit choice, greenies), I was thrilled. It was the start of her making choices that made her happy, not all financial by any means, and long overdue.
Good for your Mom! My Momma started buying clothes (literally) after she retired, but while I was growing up she sewed most of our clothing.
My mom had some from her wedding. However, she also had two sons and the piano was next to the China cabinet. On the day I invent Ben Folds Five, I broke about 10 pieces.
I have to respectfully disagree about the china. My mom had china from her wedding, but only had 8 settings which was never actually enough for any big family occasion, so it just sat in our dining room for my whole life. She wound up buying cute christmas themed plates (cheap ones from costco or something) that we use around the holidays.
When I got married, I figured I was going to get a limited amount of gifts, so you can get $300 worth of stuff you might really need or a $300 gravy boat…the choice seemed pretty clear to me (especially living in a tiny NYC apt. it’s not like we entertain much… or at all). Of course, my super traditional grandmother almost died when she found out. I figure by the time I can afford a place big enough to entertain in, I’ll be able to afford to buy my own china should I feel the need to.
I’ve never been a fan of expensive china- how can you relax and enjoy eating when you’re afraid of breaking the tools?!- but I’m all for parents treating themselves. For every time we were forced to buy something less than name brand, they were giving up the same (see rings in the story above- that’s true love!).
I’m also thankful for parents who raised me on a budget of yard sales and generic brands. I even considered myself lucky to pick out my own fabric at the fabric store for her to sew me new stretchpants! It prepared me to live this life while still maintaining the appearances of fabulousness. Fake it till you make it, right?
Frivolous? Why is it frivolous to live a good life of china and expensive shoes and lacy stuff? I think we all deserve it, especially if we can afford it!
Oh my God, I’m so stupid. When I read the first line about your mom not owning china, I thought you were referring to the country. Then I wondered why you hadn’t capitalized it. DER!
Good for your mother! Sometimes you just have to splurge. Although, on the other hand,it can also be equally as satisfying to count how much you saved on a purchase rather than how much you spent…Julie for WOW!
Hi Heather,
I just stumbled upon your blog today, apparently six years too late! I’m a programming/development executive at ABC/SOAPnet and would love to get in touch with you about TV opportunities, if you haven’t been whisked away already. Please send me an email when you get the chance so we can talk further. My apologies for the unconventional method of getting in touch– and if you see more than one comment from me (I’m not sure my earlier post made it through).
Thanks so much,
Sara
I love using nice things when I can and have had my eye on my grandmother’s real silver brought over on the boat from England for eons. I even treated myself to sterling plate candlesticks when we moved into the new digs. I may be eating Ramen noodles and reheated Chinese takeout, but it feels good to do it with nice things around. Glad your mom is starting to find the joy in that!
Sara,
I emailed you…. let me know if it doesn’t come through.
Ooooh, I like the developments happening in these comments… I’m imagining Fish’s Creek, or Fish Anatomy, or something much cathchier and less evoking fish guts
Fish, you are amazing. I stumbled on this blog a few days ago, and am now through April 2005 – at the expense of anything else productive of course! I think you have verbalized what I have felt over and over again. The entry “Neverland” was one of the most powerful pieces I have ever read. Looking forward to reading the rest!
Your new fan,
Anya
Loved this– mostly because my family doesn’t have China too and you ended it with “ANd the Villagers Rejoiced.” which always brings a smile because I imagine the voice from a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz.
I grew up in the same place you grew up. Last week, I went back to see my parents who still use their Correll with the green flowered border. If I remember correctly, it was a wedding gift from my grandparents.
I also introduced my Mom to DSW. She usually bys her shoes at Walmart and Payless, so I was pretty surprised that she walked out of DSW with two pairs of shoes.
Nice post, Fish