I’m a fairly predictable individual. Every morning after I go through the same getting ready process, I launch myself off to the office where I begin another routine set of behaviors. Coffee, CNN, People.com, buckle down to work. At 10AM, it’s snack time. At noon, I lunch. Sometimes, I’ll get really crazy and throw in an extra cup of coffee before snack time, but that’s only when I’m playing it fast and loose. Caution to the wind, people. Caution to the wind. In the evening, I’m just as much the stalker’s dream. Walk the dog, make dinner. Maybe some yoga. I’m yawning by 9, in bed by 10:30 where I’ll scratch the Boy’s back for a few minutes, jam in some ear plugs and get ready to Michael Finnegan begin again.
The point is, I’m habitual. I fall into patterns – good and bad – with amazing ease and break out of them almost never. Because I find comfort in predictability. Every day, I park in the same spot – all the way on the very tip top level, even if the rest of the garage is empty – because it eliminates the need for the Parking Garage Confusion Dance. I follow the same make-up regimen every day because I can rely on the outcome.
I don’t think it’s any stretch to say that I apply the same cause-and-effect behavior to relationships. For years, I latched on to the same type of man, with the same type of personality flaws who would let me down in exactly the same way as his predecessor. Self loathers. Cheaters. Weaklings. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because it’s what I knew. I knew what it was like to feel the humiliation of public infidelity, of being undermined and undervalued. When I say I developed an addiction to disappointment, I mean I fed myself on the stress of living out dramatic, unhappy plot lines year after year. It gave me something to react to. It gave me an identity. I expected men to hurt and disappoint me and they, in turn, sure didn’t disappoint. And once again, I could blame someone else for my unhappiness.
And then I quit cold turkey. I don’t remember the catalyst. But in part, it was having watched both of my parents over the years, having grown up loving people whose unrealistic expectations and constant – and I do mean constant – discontent ate holes in the fabric of our family, that I decided I would not live that way.
Deciding and doing, though, are two very different things. When I met the Dork Lord two years later, I knew that was it. He was it. He knew it, too, and treated me the way you treat someone when you’ve decided you want them around for a long, long time. But I hadn’t exactly broken my attachment to old patterns. Rarely, but there was a time or two early on when he had the gall to be human and make a mistake and my first reaction, shamefully, was to lump him with the others. Asshole. I’d show him! Obviously that feeling didn’t last long (nor did I act on it), or we wouldn’t have lasted this long. But I did a lot of self talking at first. Old habits being the kind to die slowly and with agony, I hadn’t quite gotten rid of my instinct to get mad and get even.
The lesson I had to learn was that it was still possible to feel disappointed by someone who loved me, but that it didn’t have to be cataclysmic. I learned that being loved – really being loved – means that a disagreement is just adisagreement and not evidence of dastardly intentions. It was not the beginning of the end, because I’d chosen well this time. And finally, I was able to dig in my heels and accept that the stomach-turning feeling that accompanies the old familiar rush of drama, drama, drama had no place in my life. In our life.
Great Post! Its a nice reminder, even though I seem to be making a career out of being single its one to put in the ol ‘ “break glass when you get a man” box.
3 Cheers for emotional maturity!!
You may love your routines, but at least you have the capacity to change when it’s important.
Happy to see you happy!
“The lesson I had to learn was that it was still possible to feel disappointed by someone who loved me, but that it didn’t have to be cataclysmic.”
I recently learned that same lesson… But have never been able to articulate it quite as well as you.
Beautiful post.
Wow this is exactly the same process I had to go through in the early stages of meeting Dizzle. I waited for a good seven months for the other shoe to drop. But they remain comfortably on my feet. No matter what issue comes up, we work it out. Together. Odd, hard to get used to. But so very comforting.
Here’s to “it”!
Good good stuff. Thanks Fish.
A more perfect post could not have been written. I actually had a breakdown last night because I still slip into my old ways and think that MY boy might end up doing exactly what those past boys have done before. But he’s not, he won’t, he’s there. Patient & loving & laughing when I cry. He’s it.
i tend to do the same thing… go for the wrong guys and just wait for the disaster. i’m working on changing my ways and i think slowly but surely i’m learning to weed out the bad ones before i let them get to me.
on a side note… your older posts encouraged me to get Jillians 30 day shred. and boy is it kicking my butt, but after doing it for only one week i already feel so much better! thanks for the posts, i love reading about whats going on in your life
I agree with Chrissie Lynn – I can absolutely relate, but never could have put things into words as accurately or articulately as you.
What has surprised me most is how easy it has been for me to let go of those toxic behaviors, and act more like the person I WANT to be after finding the right guy. I’ve always thought a true measure of a great relationship is when you bring out the best in each other.
Congrats, and I wish you much continued happiness!!
I too, am familiar with the Parking Lot Confusion Dance. I am happy to see it given a formal title so that the next time I am twisting about trying to get my panic button to penetrate foot-thick concrete walls, I’ll feel just a little less silly knowing I’m not alone… So thanks.
I see we share some common traits.
Drama sucks.
Awesome post!
Good for you!
A great post – reminded me of the “old days” when you wrote more about this kind of thing and in this manner. Thanks.
I hope this is a diary/blog entry for my self in two years. Though I promise not to ‘ctrl’ c ‘ctrl’ v it. Nicely put…
Probably one of the best posts I’ve read. You’ve described me to a T, altho I too made the decision to do things differently this time. It’s tough but the rewards are awesome.
I’ve never posted before, but read your blog daily. This post is so spot on and shows such great observations on your part. I absolutely can relate to that behavior. After awhile, you subconsciously believe your relationship will be sabotaged, even when you “know” you’ve found the one. It looks like you’ve evolved past this, though, and shared it in a way that truly touched me! Thanks.
Isn’t it such a wonderful feeling? My husband and I have known from Day 1 that we’re going to be together forever. The assurance, the “knowing” that no matter what, we’ll pick up the pieces and move on – together – is incredible. Cheers to you for finding that kind of relationship
If you ever find yourself in need of writing/blogging topics, a primer on the self-talk you describe, along with the successful methods of breaking the bad-boy-habits would not go amiss. Good for you, Heather. I’m so glad that you are learning to be happy!
It makes me so happy to hear that you are so happy.
Thank you for this post. Six months ago I also met a man whom I’d like to have around for a long, long time, and it’s been really painful to try to break free of my old fearful patterns. Any little signal indicating something less than perfect–in our interactions, or in my feelings–and my subconscious throws up a barrier so that I can protect myself from potential hurt. I’ve been too busy protecting myself, and believing the voice inside that says it will inevitably end, to fully BE in the relationship.
Even though our particular issues are different, it’s good to hear that others, too, are haunted by past relationships.
So nice to read this post. Have been reading your blog for years, and it’s always been comforting/enlightening to hear about someone else going through similar problems. I too wrestle with these issues, after finally finding a good guy who isn’t like the others. It is definitely a daily struggle to keep myself from freaking out about tiny things, but it does get easier.
Also, so nice to read all the commments, and to know that so many of us have had this issue and are doing our best to work through it!
i love your blog.
this post is nicely written, even though i admit i can’t really relate to the relationship drama.
i really liked the description of treating people differently once you’ve decided to want them around for a long time. i understand that completely. i feel and act differently with my boyfriend of 3 years than i’ve ever been with anyone else.
I’ve been reading this for years and this might be my favorite post ever. I love the honesty and the blunt delivery. Congrats on growing up and being in love…
Heather, this post should be required reading for. all. women.
People like the guys you’ve dated and like others of us have dated turn a woman’s life into a black hole. They implode any natural impulse she has for building, creating, and relaxing so that her life becomes a giant absence.
I just left somebody who cheated on me, having been together a long time.
On one hand, I’m mourning that I was stupid and stubborn enough to cling to a jerk 7 years. On the other hand, at least it wasn’t 7 years and one more day. My life is no longer reductive, and I’m deeply grateful. …Sometimes stupid turns out to be a gift.
May you and DL wring every bit of life and enjoyment from every moment!
Its always so much easier to see the patterns in other people and never pick up on your own, isn’t it? And its heartbreaking when you have to watch a close friend making her same mistake again and again, but can’t make her see what you see. Thats why its extra extra nice to read a post like this. Congrats.
Just talked with my therapist about this last week. It’s a routine I know well and am working hard on breaking. Fortunately my Boy is incredibly patient and hasn’t yet called off wedding plans. So I work on my stuff so that I can be as good to and for him as he is to and for me.
As everyone else has shared, I, too, stand ready with my figurative running shoes in hand, while staring at the sky and just waiting for it to fall on me even though I KNOW it won’t. All the what-ifs have really challenged my boy and me for most of the 3 years that we’ve been together, and although I’ve let go of a lot of baggage, I still have so many demons that I can’t even visit some places or hear/read about certain things relating to my insecurities. It’s incredibly comforting to know that one CAN conquer the ghosts; I hope to be able to live as fully in the positive and the present one day soon just as you’re doing, Fish
It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed one of your posts as much as I’ve enjoyed this one. That final paragraph in particular really resonates for me – well said.
I’ve been reading your blogs for years. Stumbled upon it when I, myself, had a “J” in my life. (Coincidentally, I referred to mine as “J” in my blogs, as well.) Anyhow whenever I read your posts, I thought that our lives were parallel in a way or that you somehow (unrealistically, of course), knew exactly how I was feeling and what the outcome of my saga with J would be. With all of that said, I LOVE this post. I love its honesty. And bravery. There comes a point that we do have to quit cold turkey. And make that decision to just stop with the drama. I’m glad to hear you’re happy! Gives us hope
I wish it had worked out as well for me, Heather. I, too, realized that I was living out all my old scripts because they were comfy- and I didn’t know the alternatives. Scared and pained, I went through changing and risking and being so vulnerable because a beautiful boy taught me to.
And then, after 9 years, he left. No chance to sort it out, no real explanation.
So, I don’t know how to live on the other side of that. Even though it’s completely irrational, I feel like if I got my self together with and for another person, then the other person is supposed to keep himself together and not go all chicken killer on me. Right? Right?? That’s how it’s “supposed” to work!
Of course, it isn’t necessarily reality. For all of us, I mean. But I am so glad that so many of you are having growth-oriented, changing, maturing, learning-to-love him (or her) *and* you experiences. I’m glad you are re-writing your emotional scripts to be the lives you want with the people you want in them.
Thanks for such a well-written and encouraging post– and comments. If Michelangelo could believe it, so can I: “I am still learning.”
I’ve been reading your blog forever now and today I realize why. I thought I was the only person in the universe that had the same morning routine. Thanks for making me feel sane!
Hi Heather,
I am just a few years younger than you and discovered your blog when I was just out of college and bored at my first job. I lived in Boston and now in New York and your blog has always been a kind of touchstone for me. It’s obvious you’re a beautiful writer with a brave heart and I appreciate much of what you’ve posted here over the years.
This post in particular resonates with me as I have JUST begun to learn this lesson. Thank you for writing what you have– you and the other commenters here have made me SURE I made the right decision.
(and you stopped me from being a longtime lurker!)
Fish, thank you for posting this. I’m going to print it out and keep it close to me so as to be mindful of this lesson. “They” say that it’s virtually impossible to learn these types of lessons from other but I’m going to try!
Can you add a “like this” button, please? Great post.
Wow – what an amazing post. I’m actually going to print it out and read it a million times…the best 6 paragraphs about relationships that I’ve ever read.
Thank you fish!
Jim
AMEN!
I love happy endings. This one should go in the Favorite Post list.
Oh wow. I don’t know you at all (except for the fact that I’ve read your blog for two years now) but I feel so genuinely happy for you. I also feel a bit angry, because you show that breaking the habit is possible – and I’m scared shitless of breaking my habit.
I’m turning 30 this year. I have a nice, well paid job, a good education, a house of my own and a mortgage, two dogs and friends who love me. My confidence is not that bad, I don’t look hideous, I’m intelligent and emphatic. I’d say I’ve everything going for me.
Except for my relationship. I’m in a long term relationship that’s going nowhere. I’m with a man who is unable to meet my needs. A man whose needs I’m unable to meet. In a relationship that becomes more complicated every day. In an environment where we both are afraid to be the person that we really are. Where every disagreement is armageddon. Where all signs of love are looked at with suspicion.
I first wanted to leave him three years ago, I think. I don’t remember if I wanted out before that. But I did not dare do it. And every day is just another nail in the coffin. I’m terrified of leaving him – of what my life would become. So I guess I’ll spend the rest of my life with him. Where did I come to the point where I’d rather spend a lifetime suppressing my needs than leave my cohabitant?
Anyway, Fish, thank’s for offering perspective. I guess a lot of women have fallen into the same trap and I hope your post will help others leave it, even if I won’t.