Yesterday I purchased plane tickets for my sister’s wedding. I did not get a sweet deal. And if prices come down before our travel date, I hope to be blissfully unaware of it. Buyer’s remorse is the worst. Wait, I take it back. Buyer’s remorse runs a tight second to One Night Stand remorse, followed closely by I Can’t Believe I Ate the Whole Thing remorse – a trilogy which beautifully sums up a weekend I once spent in Florence, Italy. But you know, that’s kind of a long story.
The wedding is going to be one of those awesomely warm fuzzy events, not just because it’s full of mushy I Do love stuff, but because I don’t get to see my siblings very often – I’ve never even met my niece, Penny – so this will be our chance to get in some good bonding time. While wearing pinned-on flowers and acting on our best behavior. I snorted while typing that. You just couldn’t hear.
Well, mostly the wedding will be a warm fuzzy. My mother and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms, which should make the whole wedding weekend one big Lifetime Original Movie Starring That Woman From China Beach. Sometime shortly after Christmas, I (totally against my better judgment) let my mom know that I didn’t appreciate her advice. I said I thought her assessment of the situation was incorrect and that she was wrong to butt in. She said F–k you – just like that. Only spelled out in full, with exclamation points and maybe the @ symbol for good measure. I’ve come to expect a certain degree of fall out from disagreeing with the one who birthed me (the last time we dared question motherly love, she took our photos off the mantle put them away in a cardboard box) but this – this is new territory. I won’t lie. I think it’s unhinged. I have never had an argument with anyone that deteriorated into “Screw you!” Ever. A first for everything, I suppose.
If you’ve been reading for any length of time, you’ll know that things with my mother have always been difficult – in cycles. One, we’re both strong willed. Two, like with my father, there are greater factors at work. My sister, brother and I spent our childhood being parented by two people who were terribly stressed out and suffering from, at times, severe depression. And now that I’m an adult (and I’ll be the first to admit that yes, the following statement makes me feel bad about myself), I’m running out of patience for it. Enough, already. Suicide talk from a parent is truly horrific. And it’s unbelievably disappointing that with all of the available help out there, all the hours of therapy and medication have changed nothing. NOTHING. And I want to know who’s to blame for that.
I’m angry about it. I’m angry that my parents are unstable. That their instability is going to affect their relationships with my future children. That they may not HAVE relationships with my future children. That I find much more comfort in other people’s parents because they behave normally.
My siblings and I spend hours sighing over phone lines, wondering what to do. Yes, accept the people you love for who they are. And then… what? Then don’t have weddings, because you’re tired waging wars on guilt and self pity? Don’t share information or say how you really feel? Oh my god, the amount of truth-avoiding we do! I even do it here – the one place I created to be a more thinking, feeling, expressive person – because I fear the reaction. But not today. I’m done with that crap. This is mine, and I’m taking it back.
My brother was right when he said, “This is the information age, not the feelings-suppression age.”
And today I’m feeling angry.
Please know that I know where you’re coming from, and running out of patience does NOT make you a bad person, it makes you a rational human being. I haven’t had a real conversation with my mom in almost three years because I ran out of patience. I know in my heart that even though I would change things if I could, and even though I miss my mom all the time, that I am not a bad person. I’m not happy about it, and it doesn’t make me feel good, but at the same time I knew that eventually the conflict and drama and stress and everything else that comes with it would make me crazy right alongside her, and I just couldn’t go there. Don’t beat yourself up if you can’t go there either.
Good for you — for allowing yourself your feelings, and for allowing yourself space in which to be honest about them.
As for all the not-so-great stuff…well, if an electronic hug from a stranger will make you feel even the tiniest bit better for even a fraction of a moment, then consider yourself electronically hugged.
Sorry to hear that you have to deal with that. From personal experience, your parents aren’t always right (which you already know), and cutting them out is sometimes the best option. It gives them time to not only look at what they say and do to you, but also gives you time to move forward.
You’re human just like your parents, and you can only handle so much. It’s terrible, but it may be the medicine you need. It worked out in my family to do it this way, hopefully it will in yours.
Lots of hugs to you!
I often wonder how things are going with your father, (Is that weird? I don’t even KNOW you.) but thought things with your mom seemed as though they were better since she married step-Bob. I’m so sorry. I too would be angry. And you shouldn’t have to censor yourself. You are entitled to your feelings just as much as your mother is. Try not to feel bad about it. I know easier said than done.
My father suffers from mental illness as well and though I love him and he is a good man, I can only take him in very small doses. That is what I have found works for us, keeps us from not having any sort of relationship at all. It’s different for everybody though and you have to do what is best for you.
But hooray you get to meet Penny and chew on some cute baby cheeks!
As another child of two unstable parents I can completely relate to this. It really, really sucks to have to parent your own parents – to be the rational one, the calm one and the stable one and to often feel as if there is no return on your emotional investment.
It’s ok to be angry. In fact, I think it’s healthy and normal to be angry – because I’m guessing you’ve had to take on a lot of responsibility that you really shouldn’t have had to. But don’t let that anger consume you – at some point you just have to let it go and break the cycle.
The best thing I’ve learned about how to cope with this sort of situation is not to feed into it – don’t let yourself be manipulated by threats and drama, just stick to what feels right for you. You ARE an adult and you have the right to your own opinions and certainly to make your own decisions.
Not to get all psycho-babble-y, but if you’ve never read The Drama of the Gifted Child I highly recommend it: http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-True/dp/0465012612/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264709312&sr=1-1
Suicide talk is manipulative in nature, no matter whether the disorder that it springs from is depressive or something else. It is designed to spark a reaction, yet seemingly anything you might do could be wrong.
This is a typical narcissistic ploy. Ignore it? Well, then she’d kill herself and it would be your fault, wouldn’t it? Call the police? Well, then you’ve sparked a scene the neighborhood could have done without. Get the rest of the family involved? Well, you should’ve known she didn’t really mean it like that, for god’s sake. Ugh. Good for you for recognizing you could be done with it all.
A collaborator and I are releasing an e-book called The Narcissist: A User’s Guide next week. Email me if you’d like a preview copy.
Suicide talk is manipulative in nature, no matter whether the disorder that it springs from is depressive or something else. It is designed to spark a reaction, yet seemingly anything you might do could be wrong.
This is a typical narcissistic ploy. Ignore it? Well, then she’d kill herself and it would be your fault, wouldn’t it? Call the police? Well, then you’ve sparked a scene the neighborhood could have done without. Get the rest of the family involved? Well, you should’ve known she didn’t really mean it like that, for god’s sake. Ugh. Good for you for recognizing you could be done with it all.
A collaborator and I are releasing an e-book called The Narcissist: A User’s Guide next week. Email me if you’d like a preview copy.
Sometimes being an adult with adult parents is tough. I think your anger is warranted. There is a lot of help out there. And it is tough when the people who are supposed to love and support you are not able to do so.
I hope that you will be able to go to the wedding and enjoy the time with your siblings, your wonderful man, and I hope the drama is low for you.
All families have drama and stress. Some worse than others. A book that really helped me was Family Ties That Bind. I highly recommend it because it helps us understand how and why people are the way they are why they relate the way they do.
http://www.amazon.com/Family-Ties-That-Bind-Self-Counsel/dp/1551802384
I am so proud of you. You have accepted responsibility as an adult and made it clear that you expect your parents to accept personal responsibility for their behavior. I too, suffer from depression and have very little patience for those who use it as a crutch or excuse. As adults, it is OUR responsibility to be our best selves each and every day – regardless of how difficult it is or of the challenges we face. I admire you for standing up and declaring your expectations and not allowing a “pass” for fear of treading on feelings. I grew up walking on eggshells and worry of the relationship my future children may have with my parents, because I too have a strained relationship. My mother is now medicated (THANK GOD) but it has done little to change the situation because therapy simply is not an option. I’m sorry for the challenges you face but I so admire you for respecting yourself and your family enough to demand that your mother act as an adult. GOOD FOR YOU!!!
I don’t have the eloquence the other commenters have, but as another child of unstable parents, I can only say Bravo for you!
Congratulations on choosing to take control of your own destiny and not letting others in your way. Even if those others are your parents. Having a child is not rocket science, being a parent is. It is something you must work at, some are willing and able to do so and some parents aren’t. You can’t punish yourself for having the latter.
I’m sorry you have to deal with all that mess but don’t feel bad about being angry. There is quite a fair amount of truth-avoiding in my family too. It’s the only way we can seem to cope with each others differences. At least you now have a stable Dork Lord to help. Somehow having someone to tell you that nope, they’re the crazy ones, not you sure does help. Go, enjoy the wedding, try to sidestep the drama, and enjoy visiting your siblings and nibbling on baby toes.
You know, telling your mother the truth and then acting like (gasp) yourself is not selfish. In fact, it’s probably the most loving thing you could do for her.
And boy do I know what it’s like to take care of your parents your whole life, then wake up one day and wonder how you somehow got your crap together and they still don’t. I’m finally learning that I am not responsible for their happiness. And as sad as it makes me that they are unhappy, I’m no longer carrying that around as my personal responsibility. And I don’t say that from a place of callous detachment, but from a place of knowing that all my “help” isn’t what they need.
I’m sure you really wanted advice from complete internet strangers on your most personal issues, right? But just know you’re not alone. Lots of us out there are fighting to have adult relationships with the parents we’ve taken care of our whole lives.
This is one post you’ve done recently that I entirely relate to. I for one have been finding great deals on plane tickets, but this kind of stuff, we’re in the same boat. I am lucky in that I have one great stable parent who did the majority of the work raising me and my brothers. My alcoholic father was mostly absent. Physically he was there and brought home a paycheck, but emotionally was complete absent (and thankfully not physically abusive). Now that he is sober we are all much closer, but we all have to watch what we say and what we do so we don’t push him over the edge and make him want to drink again. I’m sorry that he has that much trouble with alcohol, but I don’t have an alcohol problem. Neither does my mother, neither does one of my brothers (the other has been clean and sober for over five years and was the unfortunate one to inheirit the addiction gene). It drives me crazy that my 28 year old brother can handle his sobriety better than my Dad.
Someone very wisely told me that there comes a point in your life when youre parents stop being your parents and the roles get reversed. The only problem with that is the parents have a hard time accepting that. Stick to your guns and always try to be the bigger person.
I have never posted a comment on your blog before even though I am a long time reader. But I have never related more to one of your posts than this one. It was if I was the one writing the post. Wow. I’ve dealt with very similar issues with my mother for years. I can’t offer you any advice because if it is anything like my situation, no piece of advice will make any difference. I understand what your are dealing with and wish you all the best.
Best wishes to your sister and her big day as well!
I second Andrea. My Mom and sister have a LOT of mental and personality problems. They’re both childlike in their behavior but aren’t mentally challenged. My mom was emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive to me when I was growing up. She’s still pretty controlling, although I’ve put down boundaries and she’s learning not to cross them. And since I’ve moved out, I don’t have to deal with her when she’s drinking (which is when the worst of the abuse happened) and when she isn’t drinking, she’s actually really funny and awesome. Which is why I still have a relationship with her. And we have a code for when she’s drinking: she goes off radar. She doesn’t answer phone calls and texts and she doesn’t send them. When she sobers up, then she calls or sends an email. Sometimes, she still gets controlling and at that point, I go off radar. I refuse to talk to her even if that means I have to hang up on her midconversation. Rude, sure. Ideal? Of course not. Would I change it if I could? In an instant. But I learned a long time ago, no one can change anyone but themselves, even if it’s a change for the better. And when I do need to take a step back, I know it’s not selfish, rude or disloyal. It’s being loyal and respectful to ME because too much stress can lead to all sorts of health problems (mental and physical) and what good will it do to make myself sick, too? Plus, I have my own life and I need to live it. That’s fact. My life doesn’t and shouldn’t revolve around them. One thing to remember: romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that are a two way street. ALL relationships (romantic, familial, friends, business) require all parties to put in time and effort. All you (or anyone can do) is meet the other person or people in the middle. If they can’t or won’t meet you halfway, there’s nothing you can do about it except set your boundaries, respect yourself and know you’re doing the best you can.
I suppose it’s been said, but I will add another ‘good for you’. Shouting expletives is just never conducive to a fair and balanced relationship and should not be tolerated, least of all between family members. I understand how it can be difficult when a parent does not approve of one’s choices, but at some point you must live your own life.My philosophy is live and let live and make no apologies. I hope you can attend the wedding without letting this drama interfere with your enjoyment or that of your siblings.
This totally hits home for me as well. I ran out of patience and decided as much as it hurts, it’s more important for me to take care of my mental state than it is to engage with them. A good idea in theory, however the guilt, it eats at me. Just when I think I’ve come to a good place mentally, I’m reduced to tears by one or the other. And I never know when it will be. Things will be going along just fine (for us) and then, someone throws that lovely stuff right up into the fan.
All that is to say that if there is one good thing that comes out of having parents who forgot that THEY ARE THE PARENTS is that I appreciate my brother every single day. The more I pull away from them, the closer I get to him. Silver lining. I’ll take what i can get. Just one person out there who completely gets what I deal with grounds me, and makes me remember I’m not the crazy one.
Good luck! I know how it feels to not be on speaking terms with your mom. It sucks. on a regular basis.
Girl, I feel ya. There comes a time that you have to do what’s best for you, even when it comes to those who gave you life. I think one of the reasons I haven’t gone east to see my parents in so long is that I grow tired of being the ref during their arguments. It’s not fun as a child nor as an adult. My parents have visited me but no matter how I think it’s going to be a wonderful visit, arguments ensue, with the last one being a heartbreaking one when my own mother, with her anger, didn’t even want to sit next to me and try to have a discussion. Extremely painful. I’m going to try a visit this year–a short one. But make lots of time for my girlfriends…and a glass of vino or two.
Hang in there. Stay confident in your choices and fill your heart with the love you have for yourself. Good luck.
Hi Heather,
I’m in a similar situation, struggling to free myself from the unhealthy enmeshment with my dysfuntional parents and recently found a very interesting blog. Nancy has fixed her problems with her estranged mom and doesn’t update it much anymore, but the archives are definitely worth a read.
http://healandforgive.blogspot.com/
I wish you well and send you hugs
Sorry you’re feeling angry. I don’t know you so I understand I shouldn’t really be apologizing, but I do know where you’re coming from. I get it. And reading you write it with such honesty and courage really left me with that “I’m really proud of you” feeling … as if I’ve known you forever! Anyhow, thanks again for always sharing. I admire your ability to share so openly.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
I am a mother who suffers from depression. I wouldn’t call it severe, and I am on antidepressants and doing well, but sometimes the darkness can rear it’s ugly head. And when my 11-year-old was small, I suffered without the help of pharmaceuticals. Bad idea on my part.
I tell you this because I fear doing to my son what your parents are doing to you—and I’m fighting it every step of the way. I can’t help the hand I’ve been dealt, but I will try my best not to let it affect my child negatively. It’s crappy and it’s not fair and I don’t see why in this day and age it has to happen at all.
Thank you for sharing this; it’s good for me to be reminded of how my well-being effects the ones I love.
If it matters at all, I think you were/are right in sticking up for yourself. Good luck.
I grew up thinking that my relationship with my mother was solid. Then I hit my twenties and realized that our relationship was the product of a single mother who confided way too much in her child. Now I have little patience for her dependance on me and get wildly frustrated because I want her to be my mother and view me as her child, not her equal.
You’re not alone.
Sorry you’re having to feel this way right now, but this is the best post you’ve written in a very long time. Like everyone else, I’m right there with you. I had it out with one parent when I was pregnant and hadn’t yet shared the news. Now they don’t even know I have a child. No relationship is better than what it had been. Good for you for sticking up for yourself and your boundaries.
good for you, though sorry to hear things are so on the outs with your mum
I got bitch-slapped via my comments section today for daring top say that I HATE that my dad is dating again – my mother has only been gone 5 months
doesn’t mean that I will stop saying how I feel though
I live on the other side of the planet from my parents and try to only see them once a year. Doesn’t hurt that it’s almost impossible to find a mutually agreeable time for phone calls. And “oh, no, I didn’t see your email” can only be met with some choice words and/or a wall of silence. Ah the joys of family.
Another one adding to the “Good for you!” camp.
Yes, you are an adult. This is YOUR blog. You can say whatever you want, whenever. There are many of us who will support you, no matter what!
Depression runs in my family (mom’s side) and she actually did try to kill herself twice. Once when she was 16 and once when *I* was 17 – I got to stand there and watch her hold a gun to her head, then watched her get dragged off to the psych ward.
Granted, she never used it as a manipulation tactic or ever “just” talked about it, but so much shit went down that I got put in the middle of (only child) and it seriously affected me & caused a lot of anger for a long, long time. Took about a decade of therapy & a few screaming fights to finally start to have a normal relationship with them. Point being, I feel ya. Depression & all the things that surround it are SO hard to deal with, as the children & as adults.
Wow, you really aren’t alone. I am happily grown up (I feel old now!) with kids of my own. I am much closer to friends than family and sometimes have to depend on them in a pinch – and try to return the favor when I can.
I have ended up with strong suspicion of single fathers, family meetings, dramatic revelations, and people who forgive their relatives again and again (why lower your standards?). Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Time zones help too!
I am surprised how close to home your story hit me this morning. I spent a long time concluding I didn’t love my father since I base love on respect instead of just genetics. If it doesn’t kill you it makes you stronger…
“I’m angry that my parents are unstable. That their instability is going to affect their relationships with my future children. That they may not HAVE relationships with my future children. That I find much more comfort in other people’s parents because they behave normally”
Cheers. I’m right there with you girl.
Good for you, Heather. Nothing good ever came of stuffing down your feelings for the sake of avoiding the inevitable. I hope you feel a weight lifted now. You have every right to feel the way you do about this! You put it into words so effectively – Thank you for voicing so well what so many other people are struggling with but couldn’t find the guts or the words to get it out of their heads! ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
Wow. Such deep and sincere honesty. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this. It’s truly refreshing, even if a bit painful. But a big seventy three cheers (at least) to you for taking back this space and expressing yourself the way you choose. You’ve inspired me to do the same. Thank you.
Heather – I, like many others, could have written this. Kudos to you and your siblings for your strength and for your clarity. Breaking the cycle…it’s such a good thing. My daughter has no relationship with my father and a very distant one with my mother (four-hour visits three times a year). She’s also a straight-A student with a bazillion friends, a great athlete, has a wicked sense of humor, and is the best-adjusted person I know. She doesn’t know what she’s missing in not having grandparents, really, but it hasn’t affected her one bit. And when she does spend time with my mother, she comes out of it exhausted and annoyed and will inevitably mention with some wonder how she can’t imagine what it must have been like to live with that every day…and she’s ELEVEN.
I so know exactly what you are talking about! There is only so much coddling of your parents you can do. The older I get, and the more real life grown up problems I have to deal with, the less I want to deal with their bullshit. I think a lot about what kind of relationship they might have with my (future) children too, and often the main conclusion I come to is that I would not want to put my kids through what I’ve been through, even if that means not knowing their grandparents very well. Its tough, but you’ve got a lot of people on here who know just what its like!
Feeling for you and hoping it gets easier.
RE: airline tickets – continue to track ticket prices even after buying. This is from a 1/10/10 NYT article:
“Airlines have long offered to refund the difference in their fares (minus a change fee) in the form of a voucher to customers who ask. Using your confirmation number, Yapta.com will automatically track the price of your ticket, taking the airline’s fees into consideration, and send you, without charge, an e-mail message or Twitter alert notifying you of the lower price. You can then call the airline to claim the credit.Similarly, Travelocity.com promises to refund the difference in price for prepaid hotel reservations if you find the same room for a cheaper rate online before check-in.”
OMG Fish, totally feeling you.
I have written about 3 posts in last month on same sorta issue. ‘Luckily’ it is only my mum who threatens/tries to top herself whenever there is a big event/upheaval/holiday/she isn’t getting enough attention. So sick of this shit, same ol’ shit.
Sigh.
and OMG – YES to fact that grandparents may not have realtionship with future grandkids…I am sorry but in some ways I would be too scared for the kid.
My mum often says ‘you wish I was like Mrs Bsstfriend’sMum/you love her more’ No – I don’t love her more…but I like her more cos she is freaking NORMAL.
Long-time reader, first time poster. Stay strong, Fish! We don’t get to choose who we’re related to but we do get to choose our course in life. The fact that you’ve been able to rise above family drama and have found someone to lean on speaks volume for your character. Time will mend things but until then, celebrate your fabulous self and try not to think about things out of your control. Mama Fish will need to figure things out on her own. Sending you a virtual glass of red wine to help make it all better:-)
Well done and well written. Good for you!
I can’t write as honestly about my family issues on my blog as you do — I wish I could. Kudos to you for having the balls to do so. I have had my blog thrown in my face more times than I can remember at family functions. Just this past Thanksgiving, my sister lied to my dad and told him I was posting all the bad things about my family!! AND I NEVER HAVE!
Unfortunately, a year-long fight and estrangement with that sister brought out the true colors of all the remaining family members. One by one, I just cut off contact. It was truly easier emotionally and mentally. I cannot stomach the manipulation and guilt trips from my mother — I am 32 years old. I’m WAY too old for that kind of crap.
While I only recently began repairing my strained relationship with aforementioned sister, experiencing the “sides” everyone selected during that time ruined the chance of ever wanting to be involved in any form of “family” reunion.
No thank you. I’ll take the friends who I made my family! At least with them, they “get it” and there is not judgment. I’m not some sort of black sheep.
*stepping off soapbox* And on that venting session, have a wonderful time at your sister’s wedding. Thoughts are with you & sending hugs of strength!
The only reason others’ parents seem normal is because they aren’t yours. I don’t think you will meet many gals who think their parents are perfectly normal or average. And if you do, how boring their lives must have been. I find that I hardly ever tell my parents anything since I’ve been out of the house and out of town. I tell myself its because I want to be responsible and handle my own stuff, but really I know I already know how they will respond and advise and I would rather not hear it.
When holiday and family gatherings do come, I shove my pride somewhere deep where hopefully I won’t pop its ugly head. I hug, kiss, and laugh at all the picking and sarcasm that secretly tear me apart. But why? Because I know in the clench, in the worst time of my life, my family will be the ones who love me unconditionally and I will do the same for them.
It’s so cliche but true; we hurt the ones we love them most. I think this is because we know they will take it.
I’ve learned it is ok to be angry as long as it doesn’t consume and destroy the relationship we’ve worked so hard to build.
Good Luck!
Do you ever worry that you or your siblings have inherited (genetically) the same depression from your parents?
Glad to hear I’m not the only person with a dysfunctional family. I don’t even deal with my father’s side after he royally screwed my mother in the divorce. I will eventually but in his spiteful behavior, he didn’t screw her over only. He screwed me over by screwing her over. But let it go if you can and take them for what they are day by day. Be glad you’re not them.
Thanks, Heather.
Hi Erin,
I’m trying this from my iPhone, so let’s see if it works. I disagree about family being there in a pinch and loving you the most. I have friends who have supports me far, far better and more consistently than my parents. Siblings are a different story. I do not believe that blood is thicker than water crap.
When we were kids, my mom told my younger siblings 8-9 years old that my dad had another family. All our life my only brother hated him, only to find out at 20 years old it was all a lie. When we were kids my mom called my dad who was half a world away to tell him that my sister did drugs (she was mad because my sister wouldn’t do the dishes, my sister was studying for an engineering exam). All our life she said she was the only one earning money and that my dad didn’t give her 1 cent (he gave her thousands of dollars monthly).
I don’t hate my mother. I don’t have one.
Wow, heather, I so appreciate your sincerity and eloquence in dealing with such a difficult situation. I handled a similar one with my grandfather less adeptly and while I know the end result was right for me, holy crap was it hard, on me and on my mom – his daughter. For years I worried about how I would handle my wedding, considering he ruined my graduation. Then, a year ago, he died suddenly. What did I feel? Relief. Then guilt. Am I a horrible person? I doubt it, just as I doubt you are. You’re strong enough to acknowledge a black spot in your life and the emotional toll it takes on you, and you’re all the more strong for removing it. As for the future, it is sad and anger-provoking that your kids may not have grandparents, but in my book it’s more sad if they’re allowed to carry the blackness forward into another generation, as happened with me.
Sorry for the venting, but this was so powerful and I commend you. I know whatever happens it you will do what’s right for you, and I have mad respect for that.
I feel for you, I really do. I went through a similar situation-divorce of my parents, one being really depressed and suicidal, the other pretty much checking out and starting a new life, but both of them hating the other and putting me and my brother in the middle. After 15 years of this, it did get better for our family. Amazingly so. My parents can now be in the same room, comfortably, and everyone has a good relationship all around. I know I’m fortunate, and I hope you have the same outcome. Sometimes it takes time, A LOT of time, but I know sometimes it never improves. Hang in there.
I am so impressed and envious that you were able to tell your mother how you feel. My mother and I only ever had a “surface” relationship unless she was criticizing me for something (like needing a ride to the dentist in the middle of the school/work day). About 2 years ago I made the decision to just cut-off contact with her because she is too toxic in my life. I feel like a “bad” person whenever I think about it even though I know that she has always been the “bad” person for the way she has always treated me. I wonder if I would feel the same way if I had told her first why I was cutting off any further relationship with her.
Adding my thanks for such an honest post, Heather.
You now what I am particularly struck by? How many people in similar situations who have posted comments speak about “their own kids”, either in the future or present tense. Is it hope? Determination? What?
I, too, am part of a messy, messy family (let’s say severely depressed, codependent, enmeshed, and fundamentalist for Mom, Dad, and disabled sister- oops, wait, she’s atheistic; *that’s* fun, btw- as an opening bid). I love babies, and I love the way you write about wanting to gobble up baby toes. But me? I’m pretty sure I won’t have children. Because I’m already parenting 3- two of which were supposed to be the ones who parented me.
How do those of you who have already been parenting people older than you for a couple of decades (hey- I started early!) reconcile with the idea of doing *more* parenting and having families of your own?
Daughter of a daughter (only child) who married young (she admits in a tiny part to leave home) who was daughter of a manipulative woman who was daughter of a woman who I’d like to punch right in the face for the damage she did to her children (my grandmother, and her sisters and brothers) and what that sent down through the family.
and you know, most people would say we’re pretty normal
… I just thank God mum had the guts to say no to her mum (and was a loving daughter with that, running off to help in any way as her mum dealt with chronic illnesses). My nan manipulated her three grandchildren as much as possible until the day I fought back (around 12 I think?) and told her I’d fight if she wanted but I was the bigger bitch and I’d win … game over.
It’s tiring, it’s heartbreaking and most of all it’s just plain shitty … but good on you for taking a stand and saying I’m sorry I’m an adult and I just don’t have time for a childish conversation with another grown adult right now.
So many things you write about I can relate to. I’m still in university and living at home. My whole life has been spent walking on egg shells and trying to keep peace in my family.My dad was in the army, I think that’s where his biggest problems(depression, paranoia etc) come from. My problem right now is that I know what I want to do, I know my goals etc. But I feel like my dad is just bringing me down, and my mom is just not in a position to help me either. It’s been a really strange life.I hope I can move out and do my own thing before they drain every feeling of hope I have left. My boyfriend is amazing though, and his family is great and totally opposite of mine. When I visit them, it’s almost like I don’t know how to interact with them because I’m not used to a “normal” family. I feel for you, because I know we all just want a good relationship with parents, doesn’t have to be perfect but I would settle for good.I really don’t know how my relationship with my dad will turn out, because at this point I would really be okay with never talking to him again. When I’m not around him,I feel so much better, I feel so relaxed and happy. The minute I see him or hear his voice I just turn into another person. His behavior is so unpredictable that I feel like I always have to be ready for anything. That gets really tiring after 21 years.
I don’t have a comment worthy enough to respond to such a heart-felt post, but I truly hope the wedding will surpass all your expectations. Here’s to wishing for an overdose of happiness, hope, and champagne.
And, hopefully, it’ll turn from a Lifetime movie to a Hallmark movie. Better yet, let’s hope for an After School Special!
j*
I have two friends who each have one parent that is sick and it has affected their families drastically. Remember to be strong and remember the good things because one day you will have kids and your mom will want to see her/him. No matter how bad things are, kids have a way of bringing people together and repairing bonds in families. All the best.
I’ve been reading your site for many years now, but this post strikes me as the most honest. Thanks for being trusting enough to share. One of the best parts of being an adult, I think, is being able to control the relationships you have with your parents and not having to take whatever they dish out. Glad you have such great siblings.
I know it sucks cutting out family and not having good relationships with them. I recently had a daughter and had an emergency c-section, and my brother made it all about him… I feel bad about severing our relationship, but at the same time I have to do what is best for me and my family…. and that’s what it comes down to.
Good luck!
Go Fish! Love your blog.
First, I adore your blog. It always makes my day. This post really strikes home. My parents are in the middle of a divorce and the whole unstable parents/suicidal parents emotions – I totally get it and reading your thoughts make me feel justified. I am totally losing patience and I feel like I am a bitch for it, but I don’t know what to do about it. Why do parents get to be unstable? aren’t we the kids? aren’t we supposed to be unstable and irresponsible? I was totally prepared to take care of my mom when she was like 75 and I was like 50, but not now, when I’m 26….
Anyway, just to say – I totally get it and you are totally right – we just have to love them for who they are.
Thanks for being awesome.
Thanks for this post. I’ve secretly wondered in the past whether I would inherit the unstable gene from my mom. When I was living with my mom, I constantly felt like I was living a lie, because we always pretended like she was ok and everything was fine. My sister and I talk about it but we don’t know what to do about it. I almost didn’t want to get married and have a wedding, because I was worried about being embarassed in front of my in-laws. My husband’s “normal” family seems weird and out of place to me because they share their feelings, and my family experience has taught me to do quite a lot of “feelings suppression”.
I ran out of patience with this whole situation a long time ago. And I’ve always felt guilty about it. But I can’t help it. I’m sorry, but I have my own issues to deal with. I want my mom to be my parent, not the other way around. Thanks for saying it out loud for all of us that we’re not bad people for feeling like this.
I’m so grateful for your post and to see the community of readers express their candor as well. I think another couple ounces of guilt just fell away. And my 20′s may have been so much more productive if armed with this blog post community, and the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
Oh well, here I am at the tailend of the 30′s, but at least I’ve finally evolved into a emotionally stable adult. Unfortunately, my Mom and Dad did not evolve with me.
Also, if you are able to accept your family as “dysfunctional,” but with some low points that hurt. Yet, you still know you can count on them in your most desperate moments – you are not talking about the same type of parental relationships I, and I think most responders here, are talking about. I was able let go of my situation with more peace when I realized I was losing my mind trying to mend the relationship – and I was the only one. And, though the message was attempted to be delivered to me numerous times by my mom, I’m still unwilling to accept “blood” as an excuse for bad behavior. You earn forgiveness, and relationships, you can’t demand them.
Ugh! Just be glad that you’ve got your siblings to rely on. My Mom has been going through what you’re going through with her parents her whole life, too, but instead of having siblings to bitch about it with she has a brother who is just as depressed and self-medicated as they are. Good luck dealing with it, I know from watching my Mom how hard it all can be.