When I got to the DMV yesterday, I waited in a long, windowless hall until it was my turn at the information desk. I told the squat, expressionless lady what I needed (a Texas driver’s license, please) and presented her with the required pile of documentation proving I am who I say I am (New York driver’s license, birth certificate, proof of registration, proof of insurance, proof of address and social security card) and she, in turn, handed me a form, a pen attached to a plastic spoon, and a ticket with a letter and number on it. A130. My wait time, it said, was 28 minutes.
I called horse puckey even before I saw the waiting room.
As of yesterday, I was about, oh, three years and six days late in getting a valid Texas driver’s license and I knew there was no way I was getting off as easy as a twenty eight minute wait. And oh, I sure didn’t.
I settled into the only empty, blue plastic chair, back by the Exit Only door, outside of which impatients clustered, sucking down nicotine and sighing into cellphones. Every time that door opened, I was washed over with a thick cloud of cigarette smoke and I thought this, THIS is my punishment for being such a scofflaw. And then the guy a couple chairs down opened a bucket of fried chicken, and my god, it smelled so strongly of three-day-old grease that I felt my mouth go a little bit sweaty and realized, no, THAT was my punishment. Then the woman behind me started smacking her gum and “Unh huh, yeah”ing her half of a phone conversation; the mulleted fella down the row began watching an episode of South Park on his iPhone, sans headphones, because yes, caring IS sharing; and the girl next to me starting rocking back and forth, arms folded across her chest, like she was *this* close to a mental breakdown of some kind and as much as I could identify with that feeling, I was pretty sure that somewhere, I was being filmed. This is the kind of shit that TV sitcoms are made of.
“You are ALL my punishment,” I thought, looking around.
Some time later, when the chair in front of me vacated and a nice looking Asian dude sad down wearing the softest looking sweater I’d ever seen, I thought, Would it be weird if I petted him? I won’t lie; I thought about smelling him, too. And that’s when I realized that the DMV had won. I was broken and crazy. Just like the rest of them.
Two hours and forty minutes later, another expressionless lady took my completed form, scanned my thumb prints and snapped a photo of me looking much, much less like a crystal meth addict than my previous driver’s license photo and sent me on my way. The four week wait for the hard copy, laminated license she promised didn’t sound any more believable than the twenty eight minute one, but whatever. I’m hopeful. I get to wait for it at home.
Also, this photo has nothing to do with anything other than it totally makes my day.
I hate the DMV. Seriously. Last time I was there a girl in her early 20′s was called up to the counter, and right in front of the packed waiting room, she slid and fell right on her butt. She popped back up almost instantly and acted like nothing happened, but a group of loud, obnoxious guys busted out laughing and clapping. I was sooo glad I was just sitting there waiting instead of having THAT happen to me.
They make you wait 4 weeks for a license? In Illinois (and Wisconsin)we get ours minutes after taking the photo. What are you supposed to do during those 4 weeks? That’s crazy!
LOL…oh the beloved DMV! I barely read the title and I felt my sympathy grow for you instaneously! Glad you survived and thanks for sharing that most awesome picture!
I am cracking up at this description, because if you throw in the 3-year-old jangling her mom’s keys and screaming every time they moved forward, this was my exact personal DMV hell last week.
Fortunately, my license arrived today (much faster than they said, I might add) and I no longer look like a stoned zombie.
Congrats on the new documents! Was this so you can get a new passport?
Hey Fish,
I don’t mean to rain on your parade…But when you and the dork lord get married…Won’t you have to change it to your married name?? That’s how it is in my state and for your sanity, I hope its not that way for you.
My boyfriend had a similar problem when he went. I made sure to go early in the morning on a Thursday (I’d been told it was the slowest day.) I actually got in and out in 45 minutes. But I’m pretty sure I paid for it 3 months later when I had an international flight delayed by 4.5 hours. Oh, karma.
Oh, and some states (Washington is one of them) will sometimes let you renew your license online. Maybe you can do that after you get married. Good luck!)
As Sartre once said, “Hell is other people.”
Hey Fish,
This was my favourite post ever! You are a brilliant writer. I am still giggling! Thanks.
Isi
oh geeze! i had fun with the dmv a couple months ago… in 4 different visits! consistency on their part would be awesome and much more productive.
also, that pic would totally make my day too! she’s so adorable!!
You don’t have to change your name when you get married, you know.
Also, my license will expire in two months, regardless of my intention to marry in 13 months. So, you know, there’s that.
All gov’t agencies suck. I renewed my registration online…never got it in the mail. I blame usps. Had to call and get it reissued. Finally got the renewal nearly 5 wks after the fact. I didn’t have to got the DMV…but I still feel your pain.
ZOMG~! Your neice is too much. I want to eat her up!
Yes, isn’t it a little unnerving to hand over your only photo identification (besides that college ID photo from a looong time ago that you still have for some reason) and walk around with a piece of paper as your only ID for a month?
It sounds like some people from Abilene meandered over to Dallas to visit the DMV….
Next time go to the downtown location in the crazy City Hall building — much shorter wait time, easy parking and no weird smells!
My husbands ex-wife works at our local DMV so add your day plus getting waited on by her and that is why I drive a county away to do my DMV thing
Waitasec. Heather, did you say your license will expire in 2 months? What kind of bizarre hell is that? In CT, it’s 5 years. Of course it varies state by state. But 2 months??
My New York driver’s license expires in July. I have to have a new license no matter when I get married and change my name. My Texas DL, once it arrives, will expire in 6 years. Clearish?
I don’t know if it’s possible in Texas, but in California, you can make an appointment at the DMV online (you need to do it weeks in advance because the appointments fill up fast). Then you just sail in there past all the folks waiting in line for hours, and get your stuff done in 10 minutes. I discovered this about 8 years ago, and have never gone in there without an appointment ever since. What a difference it makes!!!
Hope this info helps someone out there…
Have you been to the unemployment office? Totally similar situation. A haven for the freakies.
That is a pretty awesome picture!
Oy vey – I think the only place possibly worse than the DMV is the waiting room during jury selection — frightening who might determine a person’s future! Nice post
I JUST got through my second hour-long wait at the DMV. Faliled the
first time because I only had one bill going to my new address, and you have to
have two or else obviously you’re a big fat LIAR. Because I would really try and scam my way
into a state that makes me pay for no-fault insurance. THANKS MICHIGAN.
Ugh, I feel your pain, or will, seeing that I just moved out of state & have to transfer my reg, get new plates, transfer the title, and transfer my licence. I want to get it all over with at once, just need to figure out what I documentation I need before I go.
For what it’s worth, all this stuff in NH, except for your license, is a piece of cake. There is a registry office in every town/city hall. And the employees are actually nice to you! Kind of makes me wish I hadn’t moved……
Didn’t you feel….I dont’ know…. yucky after leaving the DMV? Like you couldn’t wait to take a shower when you got home?
Your DMV denizen description sounds uncannily like riding an east/west bus route in Chicago. People are ALWAYS eating fried chicken or sunflower seeds, barefoot and napkinless. It’s an unsanitary commute of epic proportions.
Hope you don’t have to go back anytime soon! (Except, won’t you have to when you get MARRIED?!)