Yesterday I joked via Facebook status about playing hooky and going to see, Babies. Helen Jane was in, but there were some logistical issues. Like, you know, geography. So instead, I finished out the day, scooped up a handy brown-bagged Dinner for Two at Whole Foods and headed home to feed my fella before he went to take a final exam.
After he left, I finished The Help. And then, for a bit, I just sat there feeling sorta bummed that it was over. Now, that’s what I consider a good book – one that can make me feel like I’m missing my friends after it’s been returned to shelf. Oh, Ms. Aibileen. Please come sit in my kitchen and tell me stories. And that caramel cake I kept reading about? If you could put some of that RIGHT HERE IN MY MOUTH, it’d be appreciated.
Someone commented asking what I thought of the ending and I’ll say this, I thought it was appropriate. I was worried it would be a little too tidy or patronizing, but it wasn’t. At least not for me. Man, I really dug that book.
If you loved The Help, please tell me what to read next. I need more book friends!
A Footnote
I’ve been thinking about this for an hour or so and I’ve decided I would like to address K’s comment on the previous post. K suggests I “get a life.” Clearly, I took for granted that people understood by now, in 2010, that depression isn’t really something you just, you know, grow a sack and get over. Nor is it something that’s indicative of weakness. Frustrating? Yes. Really, really hard to understand sometimes? Oh, yes. But something some semi-humorous Billy Crystal flick from the 90′s is supposed to fix? Please.
In talking it over with my sister-in-law, who also suffers from depression, we decided that even if it were something you could just get over, saying that to someone shows a distinct failure in the compassion department. If you told me you had a paper cut – and boy, does it sting – I would not tell you to get over it. Get your feelings hurt? Break the heel on your shoe? Drop your iPhone in a sink full of dishes? “Get over it” is the answer to NONE of those things. Not to anyone who doesn’t want to die alone surrounded by cat fur and wine bottles.
I have always taken great comfort that, regardless of the emotionexpressed, you can look in the comments section of this blog and see the words, “I know how you feel.” We’re all so different. But we’ve also all felt the same at one time or another. Yes, things have been a little less perky around here lately, but sometimes life isn’t perky. Hills and valleys. It’s the hip-hip-hooray and woe-is-me that make me human. And I’m gonna go ahead and relish that. Because it’s honest.
Shaming someone who feels depressed into “opting out” is not tough love. It’s ignorance. And it’s why a lot of people don’t get the help they need.
I LOVED The Help – read it last summer and could not put it down – and I agree with your take on the ending – I don’t think I would have liked it as much if it was all happily ever after
have you read The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society? it is absolutely wonderful and I think you would love it
I’m going to have to read this book! All the more reason for me to try out my new shiny n nifty Library Card.
As for the your footnote, I just want to thank you for always saying what’s on your mind. Even when it’s heartbreaking, or not so cheery.
If I were only interested in the fluffy stuff I would sit around my tv instead and watch Disney movies. : ) But as you said, life isn’t always like that.
I have suffered from depression and I have family members who have suffered (or who are suffering) from depression. It’s definitely not a “get over it” sort of thing. For me, nothing feels worse than knowing I’m depressed and knowing that even though I know I’m depressed and I don’t *want* to feel that way, I can’t make it stop. I totally get where you’re coming from, and you’re right, anyone who would tell someone struggling with depression to “get over it” is going to live a lonely life unless they learn some compassion.
People that say “Get a life” obviously don’t get it. It’s not something that you just snap out of it takes time. I’m going through depression right now. Never have in my life but now I finally get it. I went through my fiance and I breaking up (after I waited 10 months for him to come home from Iraq and having been together 5yrs), cervical cancer testing and breast cancer testing all in one month. I am beyond sad and depressed and seriously don’t know what to do. It doesn’t even have to take major events to get someone depressed. Sometimes it just happens. I hope to get out of this rut and get better again. I get that it’s hard. I have to force myself to get out. Some days are better then others. But I keep hoping to run into the old me at some point in the near future. It’s draining being depressed. It sucks. No one purposely does this to themselves. Stick in there too OK….
Good post. Depression isn’t something you just “get over,” although some types of situational depression are resolveable once the situation is resolved. Feelings just are – they don’t always make sense, and they may (or may not) be rational, but they still are, and people have a right to feel how they feel.
My mom always tells me, “this, too, shall pass,” which somehow makes me a little frustrated/angry, because DUH! I know the feelings (and the situations) will pass, but (don’t tell her I said this) she’s right. Things do pass, and making a list of five good things every day helps them pass a little more quickly.
If help is needed, it’s needed. Not getting help – chocolate**, chemical or otherwise – would be like looking at a bleeding wound and saying, “get over it already,” when what you need is a bandaid (and maybe stitches).
[**BTW, hot fudge sundaes fix (almost) everything]
Hang in there.
Heather,
I felt the same way after reading The Help as the author did a great job establishing the characters.
If you haven’t already read The Lovely Bones it’s a good and quick read and Lit by Mary Carr is excellent!
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle was surprisingly good and I, too, enjoyed The Lovely Bones.
Depression tends to recoil from the light! Best handled in the open with support (as you are doing!)
No need to be mean, Miss K! Take a different tack.
I sat pondering that comment after I left my own…and my thought process, while much less eloquent, was similar to your own. I’m in the mental health field, and it always leaves me aghast that even some of my colleagues really believe those dealing with depression or anxiety can snap out of it, or choose not to feel that way. Yes, we can choose how we look at something, but experiencing overwhelming symptoms is NOT a choice.
I think there is a great push toward self-sufficiency in our culture, and anything perceived as getting in the way of that equals something to be ashamed of. And you’re absolutely right – that stigma keeps smart people from asking for and getting support. I also think it’s important to note that America is the most symptomatic country in the world…by FAR. So that whole self-sufficiency things is actually complete bullshit.
Thank you for addressing this, Heather, and acting as an advocate. There are a lot of ignorant people in the world who make dealing with depression and anxiety a million times worse than it already is.
I really dislike when people try to mask their meanness and lack of empathy under “tough love”. I can’t say I have ever experienced clinical depression but you know what? I’ve felt sad and hopeless and very alone at many times in my life. I can guarantee that K has as well because otherwise she’s a robot. So the fact that she can’t have a teaspoon of compassion is beyond me. All I can think of is that it’s a good dose of deflection on her part and someday she will have to deal with that.
I will say that I applaud you for speaking up and not pretending to be happy-dory all the time because it’s not realistic and, honestly, it would be annoying. I enjoy reading about the ups and the downs and the in-betweens. It makes you you and I hope you soon find an up. Sending you hugs until you do.
I would recommend reading Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, if you haven’t already. Great, heart-warming story.
And I will always suggest Christopher Moore. You don’t even know until you know, trust me, he’s a fantasticly hilarious, sarcastic author. I think you’d love his work. I would suggest starting with Bloodsucking Fiends or Lamb, The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.
Thanks so much for sharing what you are going through…hope you are able to find the support you need to get through this trying time.
I LOVED “The Help” and also missed the characters when I put the book back on the shelf. I just finished reading “Someone Knows My Name” by Lawrence Hill last night and loved the main character as much as I loved Aibileen and Minnie and Skeeter. It’s really engaging historical fiction. (It’s published as “The Book of Negroes” in Canada, go figure).
Have you read “Bel Canto” by Ann Patchett – one of my all time favorite books. Also, “Devil in the White City” is a captivating book about Chicago in the late 1800s. For your beachbag this summer, toss in “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”! Oh, Gretchen Rubin’s “The Happiness Project” might be an interesting read given some of the sadness you are feeling now. She also has a neat blog that I read.
I loved The Help, too! I am trying to push it on my book club sometime soon.
Right now, I’m reading The House of the Spirits, by Isabel Allende, and it’s VERY Spanish, so maybe you would like it. Are you on Goodreads? Seeing what my friends are reading usually gives me some good ideas, and you can save titles of books you want to read, too. Here are some recommendations in the meantime:
Contemporary fiction: The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, by Michael Chabon; The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, by Stieg Larsson
Young adult fiction: The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins (first of a trilogy; third book comes out at the end of the summer); Wintergirls, by Laurie Halse Anderson
Nonfiction: The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin; A Girl Named Zippy, by Haven Kimmel
Loved, loved, loved The Help. Other great goodies from one book dork to another are:
A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini
Love Walked In, Marisa de los Santos
and then Belong To Me, Marisa de los Santos
The Time Travelers Wife, Audrey Niffeneger
Unaccustomed Earth, Jhumpa Lahiri
Bel Canto, Ann Patchett
Run, Ann Patchett
People of the Book, Geraldine Brooks
The Lake of Dead Languages, Carol Goodman
I Love You, Beth Cooper, Larry Doyle
And some guilty pleasures:
LA Candy, Lauren Conrad
I’d Tell You I Love You, But Then I’d Have To Kill You, Ally Carter
That should keep you reading for a while…
Have you read “Water for Elephants”? Oh it is amazing. As is “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” And “City of Thieves.” Read read read, girl. Don’t listen to what others say. Rock on.
As someone who has fought depression for most of my life (winning at the moment, but ever vigilant) I wanted to drop in and thank you for your honesty.
I think that the lack of understanding of depression and other mental health issues as real, medical conditions – as opposed to a bad mood or something you can “snap out of” – is a huge problem. And as you said, it’s keeping many people from seeking help.
As for indicative of weakness? No way – I think it’s made me stronger. Sure, I have to pay more attention to my moods and my reactions than my friends do; if I can catch it early its easier to head off. But I also know what to do when shit hits the fan. I know what steps I have to take to help myself climb back up, and I know that I can get through just about anything.
Side note – I know you’re already active and on top of it, but my number one antidepressant (perhaps even stronger than my prescription antidepressants) is exercise. Good luck!
I took your advice from forever ago and read Wideacre. Holy hell, what a story. Have you read The Other Boleyn Girl? It’s just as scandalous.
I also recommend Pretty Little Dirty by Amanda Boyden and Taming the Beast by Emily Maguire. Or, The Gospel According to Luke by Emily Maguire. She is a fierce storyteller.
You know, I am crawling my way toward feeling better myself and I must say, hearing other women talk about struggling – in any way – allows me to show compassion toward myself, and acknowledge I’m doing pretty good, despite it all. And I think it’s great that you can still smile at your man and tell him he makes you feel better. Too cute.
Best wishes to you, and happy reading.
xoxox
I won’t comment about K here since I already commented in your previous post but I will reiterate that K needs a swift kick in the ass.
Anyhoodle, I just finished Audrey Niffenegger’s Her Fearful Symmetry and LOVED it. But many people do not like her quirky novels.
People who have read The Help, I’ve noticed, also loved that Potato Peel Society one that was mentioned in the first comment here and The Story of Edgar Sawtelle was apparently amazing even though the back of the book summary doesn’t sound that great. I’m getting my masters in english so all I read are required classic novels so my recommendations aren’t first hand. But my friends are librarians who recommend these.
Join Goodreads if you aren’t already a member. It’s amazing.
it’s interesting that people, such as this ‘K’ person have the balls to say stupid crap like that… YOU, my dear, are awesome! every time you post, you’re taking a chance and putting yourself out there. where is K’s blog so that we can go read it and scrutinize everything that they say??
little minded people make little minded comments to make themselves feel better about their own insecurities. i see this happen with several of my friends who blog.
i don’t comment often on your blog, but i’ve enjoyed everything that you’ve written. so keep it up chica! you’re doing great!!
I loved The Help, and when I finished it, I picked up Sarah’s Key, which was awesome, and after that Netherworld, which was also great.
Also, I’m a copy editor, and sometimes I can’t help it when people use incorrect tenses….in your case, the following sentence: “After he’d left, I finished The Help,” just needs some tweaking. Take the apostrophe-d off of “he” and you’ll be good to go.
I too LOVED The Help!
My suggestion for your next book is In the Sanctuary of Outcasts by Neil White (another Mississippi author).It is an INCREDIBLE book. Trust me; you won’t want to put it down either.
I also second the recommendations of Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen and A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.
I have several more, and I pride myself on my book recommendations, so I’d love to know what you think of these before I overwhelm you with a summer reading list. Ha, ha. I’ve been reading you for years, and this is what it took to get me to de-lurk.
I loved the Help, too. Check out the following if you haven’t already: Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver.
I am happy that you brought up feeling depressed. More people need to talk about it, so that we can all get the help that we need without feeling embarrassed.
So many great recommendations for books! I will just add – anything by Laurie Notaro. And you can also check out http://bookseer.com/. You put in the name and author of a book, and it will suggest other books you may also enjoy.
Thanks for standing up to K. Having watched my mother struggle with depression all my life, I know very well that you don’t just “get over it.” Telling someone to do so is incredibly ignorant and insensitive.
I am going to put “The Help” on my “To Read” list. I don’t know if we have the same literary taste, but I guess I’m going to find out! Although I will go out on a limb and recommend anything by Adriana Trigiani, particularly the Big Stone Gap series (which begins with “Big Stone Gap”).
And I don’t know what blog K is reading, but I believe you do have a life. Unfortunately you’re not enjoying fully it right now. I hope that changes soon.
LOVED The Help. Just finished Olive Kitteridge, which I enjoyed. And I agree with the previous recommendations for Water for Elephants, Edgar Sawtelle and A Thousand Splendid Suns. And thanks for asking for recommendations because I wrote down several posted here to check out!
But I was mostly compelled to comment because of your postscript. I, too, have struggled with depression my whole life. Thank you for writing about it so eloquently. Take care of yourself — treat yourself gently right now — and know that the sun will come up again. And if you feel up to it, exercise does help, even if you just get in a walk around the block.
Oh, come on, Alyssa. You can help it. You just don’t want to.
As one depression sufferer and avid book reader to another, I would love to be your book friend. I am going to the library tonight to check out The Help. May I suggest a few of my favoites: The Little Friend by Donna Tartt, She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb, and Geek Love by Katherine Dunn. Hope you enjoy and please continue to pass along your suggestions.
i haven’t read the help, but it’s on my list to read. based on what i know about it and if you like period fiction from a woman’s pov, mistress of the sun was pretty good. so is brookland.
I wanted to thank everyone personally for the recommendations they’ve made for new books to read. I’ve been on the lookout for something new and very definitely plan on looking into a few of these.
Now… as someone who has suffered from depression and daily worries that it will be something I will work through again, please know that you are not alone. Depression can hit anyone at any time, and it is not easy to “just get over”. Hang in there, Fish. Take time to do things that make you feel better. Sadly I’ve found recently that working out actually helps calm me (which really blows cuz I hate sweating.) I hope you will reach out for help if needed and remember that you are only human.
I also loved ‘The Help’ and I am dittoing the previous recommendations of ‘Water for Elephants’, ‘Story of Edgar Sawtelle’. I also loved ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’ and Maris de los Santos’ books.
Have you read ‘The Glass Castle’ by Jeannette Walls? It’s FABULOUS.
Jen Lancaster is a hilarious author: ‘Bitter is the New Black’ and ‘Such a Pretty Fat’ were great reads.
Join goodreads.com! (Can you get my e mail address from my comment? Friend me over there, if you can)
Speaking of tough Sundays… http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ecard%7C10001%7C10051%7C805791%7C147551;-102001;11443;-102034;183073%7Cecard%7CP2R2SO%7Cecards?cardType=premium&isComboCall=false&template=n&categoryId=183073
Thank you. Loves.
Thank you for writing so eloquently about feeling sad. I resisted taking medicine for years, and when I finally just did it? I couldn’t quite figure out why I waited so long. Don’t necessarily think that’s the answer for everyone – but it has helped me so, so much.
As for my book recommendation? Restless by William Boyd. Remember distinctly feeling like I didn’t want to read anything for a while after that one because I wanted to SAVOR how good it was.
The Hunger Games & Catching Fire are also great!
Fish,
I feel your pain, I honestly do! My company (so, so awesome – yeah, I drank the koolaid) is up in Frisco and we’re hiring right now. Send me an email if you want to look into working way up north!!
I also can say “I understand”. I really do. I, too, have issues with depression. I’ve had dysythymic disorder for my entire life. It’s always there, lurking in the background; sometimes coming out and being more than just a low-grade thing and more of a full-fledged deep, dark hole thing that I have no strength to get out of. Either way, it makes life indescribably hard. Meds help but the side effects suck and I’m trying to do without them but that’s difficult, too.
I have also been told to count my blessings, get a life, pull up my socks, get out more, suck it up, etc. etc. etc.
I was also prescribed “movie therapy” – by a therapist! She told me to rent comedies to make myself feel better. (City Slickers, perhaps??) Needless to say, I never went back to this therapist.
How incredibly simplistic and wonderful it would be if all it took to heal depression was a DVD player and a trip to Blockbuster video!
Bottom line – people are stupid and I’m sorry you’re sad. Be gentle with yourself.
I read K’s comment after this post, and was expecting it to be harsher. NOT that it wasn’t harsh. It was. To her benefit, she told you it was going to be, lol. I’d like to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she didn’t mean it to be so…b*itchtastic. I think she honestly felt like she’d pulled herself out of her funk, and was hoping you could to. Maybe getting out there (a tad better than “get a life” don’t you think?) really did help her or maybe it just happened to coincide with an upswing in her mood.
After I got engaged (finally – and thank you for your OMG when is he going to propose posts. I was already married by the time they came, but it helped reading how you were feeling and how other commenters felt, because I was sooo there at one point, and it really makes you wonder if there’s something wrong with you) I had a definite upswing. Just seeing the ring on my finger as I gripped the steering wheel made driving to work better. But that definitely faded, and I’m back in survival mode. I’ve found the only way I can get through it without getting seriously funked is to go on autopilot all day. It takes me a little while to shake off the coma after the clock hits 5, but my weekends and evenings feel like mine again. My mind isn’t tossing around the work crap 24/7 and I’m able to enjoy my husband for who he is rather than someone to complain to, enjoy planting things in my garden, enjoy cooking, whatever. The coma sucks and I hope to not be in it 40 hours out of my week for the rest of my life, but it’s still helping.
Good luck to you, Fish!
p.s. Every time I type in your site name I get “This Kiss” by Faith Hill stuck in my head, except I sing it “This fish, this fish! Unstoppable.” And you are!
Like a commenter before, I also work in the mental health field. I am incredibly empathic toward people who feel depression symptoms because I’ve been there before. Sometimes depression in just the ups and downs of life that we too quickly pathologize. Sometimes it’s something more. And while certain depressions are hard to beat without some form of biomedical intervention, sometimes lifestyle plays a big part.
I am not necessarily siding with K on the comment left, but on the topic of depression, I think it is incredibly important to point out that there are things people can do to help themselves. Sometimes the help doesn’t help all the way, but lifestyle decisions — rather, making sure you actually have a life beyond sitting on the couch — is important. From the snapshot of your life you give us, it seems you have fulfillment in other areas, so this info isn’t necessarily directed at you. But people who sit in their houses all day watching sad movies, not visiting with friends, not getting up and actually doing something, yes there is something to that “get a life” comment. Compassionate is important, though, so “get a life” isn’t exactly the most helpful intervention. There can be reasons why someone feels the lack of energy or motivation to get up and do something, so that’s helpful to find and understand.
Mostly, I just wanted to make this comment so that people understand true depression isn’t something you handle passivley.
/end soapbox
)
Thank you for the footnote. From anyone and everyone who has been through the valleys of depression.
Are you a member of http://www.goodreads.com?? If not, you must join immediately. It’s like Facebook for book nerds (like me). You can get recommendations, rate books you’ve read, and see what your friends are reading. And if you join, you must add me as a friend.
I know how you feel.
It’s not particularly germane to this post, but there ya go.
“It’s the hip-hip-hooray and woe-is-me that make me human. And I’m gonna go ahead and relish that. Because it’s honest.”
You have NO idea how much your post day means to me. For me, the last few weeks have felt like a roller coaster that I just want to get off of, but can’t make it stop. So, anyways, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and I’m not weird or abnormal or crazy (at least, not more than most). Anyways, just remember that this too will pass and know that even though you don’t know me, I like ya!
Depression sucks and apparently your job does too. Other people have great ideas how to deal with depression, so I won’t go into those, but maybe with your job you can try and find some new projects or something. I say this b/c that seems to be the source/trigger for your depression. Do what you can to make the day more tolerable until you find a new job. Find some hope and let that guide you to the better times I am sure are ahead for you.
I’m in the middle of The Help right now! I’ll add my vote for The Time Traveler’s Wife (that was a friend I missed so much when it was over that I went right back and read it again), and Barbara Kingsolver: Poisonwood Bible, The Bean Trees, and High Tide in Tucson (my favorite). Also Unaccustomed Earth by…the author of The Namesake, which I didn’t actually love.
And as for depression, I can only thank you for bringing so many of the tough things about it to the surface- somehow, people still don’t know.
Having been one who really did think I could grow a sack and get over depression, I am incredibly offended by K’s post. I spent 2 years talking to a therapist before I would even agree to start taking medication for depression. I have never been happier or had a better view on life since I started taking those pills.
Long gone are the days of feeling absolutely helpless and not wanting to talk to anyone or even be in public. I know that feeling of standing at the shower and the almost crippling thought of having to do ANYTHING at all that day. Anyone (you listening K?) who has experienced that would never think that it was just a decision you made everyday to be happy.
I also recommend goodreads.com. You can check out your friend’s recommendations as well as look at other reader’s reviews of books you’re thinking about getting. Since you’re feeling blue lately I recommend anything by David Sedaris to give you a good laugh. Also I just read Heat by Bill Buford which is about a New York Magazine writer who becomes a “kitchen slave” at Mario Batali’s restaurant Babbo. It’s pretty hilarious & satisfying in a food/cooking/travel sort of way. If you’re not necessarily looking for a pick-me-up then I also recommend The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion.
i rarely comment, however, whilst k’s comment was slightly overly simplistic and glib i didn’t really feel it warranted any particular reaction – it’s just her/another opinion – all be it a slightly patronising one. people say things online they wouldn’t dream of saying to your face. as i always say – opinions are like arseholes, everyone’s got one! anyhoo – hope you’re more upbeat soon – i really enjoy coming here and reading about your life and have done for many many years, good, bad or otherwise. thank you.
I don’t recall commenting here before, but I want you to know that I know how you feel…especially about people just not understanding depression. Thank you for being honest and thank you for standing up for what you feel.
I’m a loyal reader-lurker and think I may have commented once or twice in the past. The book talk prompted me to put in my own two cents
. I finished reading The Lovely Bones a few days ago, it was amazing.
As someone mentioned earlier, The Time-Traveler’s Wife was also amazing (sad, but amazing). Other favorites of mine include Atonement by Ian McEwan and Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden.
Hi,
the book of friends by henry miller is an amazing book if you are into friend books. It’s one of my favorites!
I haven’t read “The Help” yet, but I REALLY want to! And I LOVED “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society!”
You might like Sarah Addison Allen’s books (Garden Spells, The Sugar Queen, and The Girl Who Chased the Moon)and Lisa Lutz’s Spellman Family series if you like humor and mystery solving dysfunctional families.
As someone who spent most of her life living with undiagnosed depression and anxiety, I want to say THANK YOU for what you wrote! It’s easy to say “get over it” and walk away. It’s harder to be compassionate and try to understand and empathize. I’m afraid that too many of us take the easy way out these days.
Depression has been my default mode for the majority of my life. Unfortunately, I learned it from my family, right along with the Puritan Sense of Fun (read: none) and the Protestant Work Ethic (’til you die, sucker!)
As an adult, I’ve had to learn to re-wire my brain a bit. It isn’t easy or fun, but it gives me a whole wider range of possibilities in my life than I like a lot more than John Bunyan’s crappy, colorless landscape.
So, Heather? If the bout of depression lasts “too long”- and that’s up to you to decide, maybe with the help of your awesome sister-in-law, the Dork Lord and/or others who love you- be sure to look into getting some assistance. Again, up to you to decide what that is. Because left too long, depression changes the chemicals in your brain, etc. and makes it increasingly harder to move on its way.
And I think all of us who read you here (and elsewhere) love you too much, no matter how misguided the attempt to show it sometimes, to see (er, read?) you suffer.
Please keep posting whatever is honestly coming up for you. I love it, and it keeps me coming back for more!
p.s. Haven’t read The Help, but it’s now on my list– thanks. Did recently finish The Elegance of the Hedgehog, which was pretty awesome.
Several people in this post and the last one mentioned these books, but they’re so good I have to say it again:
The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, by Susanne Collins.
They’re the first two books in a trilogy; the third comes out in August. Yes, it’s young adult fiction, but they are FANTASTIC. I read each in a day and my friend, aunt, cousin, mother, and sister-in-law have all loved them.
Ah, just the other day I was telling someone that I have anxiety. A friend, so I thought it would be no big deal. But it was. She went on and on about why I chose a particular career path because I would be much better suited for something else if I have all of these (anxiety is party of the hypomania that comes with Bipolar II disorder. huzzah!) mental illnesses. Because clearly this is not what I should be doing. And at the time I was going to explain it to her that people have these things and we wish like hell that they would go away and they won’t and it’s something we work with. We deal. But instead I shrugged it off and complained to three other people and (kind of) let it go.
My very long-winded way of saying that I get you, Heather. You wish you could explain it to others and yet, you can’t.
Another The Help lover chiming in! One of my all time favorite books is Cane River by Lalita Tademy and I noticed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society mentioned more than once, but have tissues ready with that one! I have also struggled with depression and have only recently been able to be honest about it. It really is so misunderstood and I don’t know if someone who hasn’t experienced it can fully grasp it. Even I don’t understand why it can strike at times when everything seems to be going smoothly with my life but then not appear during really difficult times with marriage, kids, job (or lack of). I just hope it helps to know that there are so many of us who understand and care!
Great post! I may just send along the link to a friend of mine. Last week I got my heart broken after 4.5 years of being in love with someone. It happened on Monday night, and on Tuesday morning, a friend told me to “get over it and move on.” My reply was, “Ohhhhh, THAT’S all I have to do? Why didn’t I think of that?!” Yours is a bit more eloquent.
Anxiety and depression handled with care makes you an effing great writer, Heather.
Definitely read “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society.” You won’t want to put it down and you might want to sleep with your arms wrapped around it after you’ve finished it.
This is not a “quick fix” for depression by any means, but for real have you tried meditation? I love Pema Chodron audio & paper books for helping me on the road to feeling better; also Dalai Lama & Thich Nhat Hanh. It might not work for everyone but after many years of deep depressive bouts, meditation is the only thing that’s seems to help me. Hoping you see the sun soon!
I loved The Help. The first book I have read in a long time that I had trouble putting down. I thought the ending was appropriate, nothing too tidy, but nothing too terrible either. I read the whole thing with a knot in my stomach waiting for something horrible to happen to those ladies.
Some recent faves:
The Long Song by Andrea Levy (‘specially if you liked The Help)
Mr Rosenblum’s List by Natasha Solomons (very charming!)
Every Man Dies Alone by Hans Fallada (depressing title, yeah. You gotta be in the mood for something serious. But it’s an unforgettable book. And even though it’s set in Berlin during WWII it’s actually quite uplifting because it’s about the heroism of average Germans in trying to subvert the Nazi regime.)
The Boat by Nam Le (great short stories)
Less recent, still faves:
The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by David Wroblewski (big big call, but i’m gonna make it: possibly my favourite book ever. Don’t read the reviews or dust jacket, they give too much away. Just get your hands on a copy and dive in. This writing is just so good, I was utterly inspired by it.)
Little Bee by Chris Cleave (also amazing! I laughed, cried, bought as many copies as I could afford for my friends.)
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay by Michael Chabon
Eucalyptus by Murray Bail (Mmm… how to describe this one? Neo-gothic, magic-realist, romantic Australian literary fiction. Yes, there is lots in there about eucalyptus trees but it is fascinating. An old favourite that I re-read every year.)
Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie
A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry
The History of Love by Nicole Krauss
Happy reading, Fish!
A good book is a great balm to the soul.
I am a mental health therapist, and also someone who suffers from ongoing clinical depression. Thank you so much for addressing this issue. I cannot tell you how many times in my professional life I hear my clients say how much they wish they could “just get over it” like their friends/family tell them to, but they can’t. Depression, and other mental health issues, are not choices people make. People do not choose to be depressed or anxious or anything else. While they can choose to do things that help them through whatever is going on, it is not just about a lack of motivation or being “lazy” or whatever else they hear or believe about themselves. So thank you for standing up for this issue.
I know how you feel.
So sorry that someone told you to just get over it. If only it were that simple, there wouldn’t be anyone suffering from depression! I’ve been told things like that so often, and it’s just so hurtful and demeaning. Do people really think we choose to be depressed? I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time. Hang in there…things will get better.
I love ‘Be gentle with yourself’ by Annette!
I also love Goodreads — I’d also like all of the above suggestions to be available for after I knock the dust of the current bed stand piles!
I love love love any book by Cathy Lamb, but my favorite is “The Last Time I Was Me” – she is a quirky author but I have never laughed out loud so much during a book one minute and then cried the next. It was the most self-affirming novel I’ve ever read, and I’ve passed it on to many friends, all of whom say it’s their favorite too. Trust me, you won’t be sorry! Oh and I love your blog.
The Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon.
wow – they are AMAZING books!
I couldn’t have summed up The Help better myself! I LOVED it and felt exactly the same way when it was over……sad that I was finished and that I too would miss Aibileen!
Thanks for the awesome post. Depression used to be something people were so ashamed to speak about. Still today, it’s not something most people are totally comfortable with. Just know you’ve got peope around the country supporting you and being comforted by your words.
I hope you read/get this comment. I also have depression. And I have the KEY to helping other people understand wtf it is and why we can’t just “get over it.”
Depression isn’t feeling sad, or blue or bummed about, say, losing a football game. Depression is a medical disorder.
Depression is the name of an illness which occurs in people whom do not produce proper levels of two different brain chemicals: seratonin and/or dopamine. If your brain is lacking on one or both of these, you will develop depression.
Someone who doesn’t have lifelong depression but rather has is sporadically, or perhaps once in a lifetime (although that’s not very likely in all honesty) developed it probably because something bad in their life happened and they felt down for an extended period of time. During that time period, their brain “forgot” how to produce those hormones/chemicals. This caused them to develop chemical depression.
Depression is no different than say, cancer. It’s a disease and it has to be treated. Your body isn’t doing what it is supposed to and needs help (usually anti-depressants, but everyone is different) to “remember” what a normal hormone level is supposed to be. Take the emotional part out of it when you explain it to someone. Think of it, and explain it scientifically. Your brain has a hormone defeciency, and you need medication (not you personally, just in general)in order to correct the problem.
Anybody that can’t understand it from a clinical perspective can sit on it and spin. (holds up finger)
@ Melissa. Someone who is clinically depressed isn’t going to be physically ABLE to “get off the couch,” and “get a life.” As a mental health professional, it puzzles me why you would phrase your comments in this particular way. It has nothing to do with getting out- a depressed person, someone with major depressive disorder CANT get off the couch, or out of bed. The most important thing for a person in that position is to summon the strength to seek medical treatment and professional help. With those two things, the “getting a life” part comes back on it’s own, once the symptoms have been significantly reduced or resolved.
Part of the diagnostic criteria for the identification and diagnosis criteria of depression is “lack of interest or lack of pleasure” in common activities you used to enjoy. Someone wiht MDD can get out, and go do their favorite thing in the world, and still be completely miserable and wishing they were dead. It’s the hormones (or rather lack thereof) that are talking, and not the person. You should know that… Getting “out” won’t make a difference as long as there is a chemical deficiency/imbalance.
I’m from the other side of the world literally, but have felt the same way (yes, those words are indeed powerful!). I feel sorry for those who do not have compassion or empathy. Feel that we are all the more richer for our ability to ‘feel’ even though the lows suck, and the moods need watching. Hope you feel better soon!
Will check out ‘The help’. More suggestions- Prep by Curtis Sittenfeld, Lovely Bones- Alice Sebold, The secret life of bees- Sue Monk Kidd.
I know you have had a million book suggestions, but I highly suggest any of Jen Lancaster’s books, Bitter is the New Black, Pretty in Plaid, My Fair Lazy. She also has a blog, http://www.jennsylvania.com, and she is absolutely hilarious.
hi heather, never mind the “get over it” people…they just don’t get it, lucky them I s’pose. Anyhoo, you must, must, must read, “The Book Thief” by Markus Zusak. One of the best books I’ve read in a long time. And hang in there, like you said, hills and valleys, it will get better. and then get worse again, and then better, and then…well, you get it. Such is life my friend!
People like K confuse the hell out of me. At the same time I hate them for their ignorance I’m also jealous of that ignorance. I would give almost anything to never feel the despair that grabs me by the throat and won’t let go until it’s good and ready. If it was offered I would even consider becoming a compassionless asshat like K to be permanently rid of my depression. And that notion makes me all the more confused.
I won’t suggest any books despite having spent the better part of my adult life running a book store. I mostly read sci fi and fantasy and besides it looks like you’ve got a year’s worth of reading from the comments above.
All the best Fish, you aren’t in this alone.
I highly suggest “Saving CeeCee Honeycutt” by Beth Hoffman. I liked it even better than “The Help” and I wouldn’t have thought that would be possible!!
So, 2 things.
First, book suggestion. If you like nonfiction, I just read a book called “Spook”, it’s by the same author as a book called “Stiff” about the science of dead bodies. “Spook” is about the science of the afterlife, and it’s really neat, it delves into the history of the search for the afterlife, and I couldn’t put it down. The author has a way of drawing you into the subject, and keeping you there.
Secondly, about the depression comment someone said to you. . . I’ve seen billboards here in Utah that say, “You wouldn’t tell someone with breast cancer to get over it,” and that is my opinion on the matter. It’s actually my favorite advertisement for depression awareness. So, hang in there. There are a lot of people who know what you’re going through, and the medical community is really starting to realize depression is not a choice, it’s a medical condition.
So, 2 things.
First, book suggestion. If you like nonfiction, I just read a book called “Spook”, it’s by the same author as a book called “Stiff” about the science of dead bodies. “Spook” is about the science of the afterlife, and it’s really neat, it delves into the history of the search for the afterlife, and I couldn’t put it down. The author has a way of drawing you into the subject, and keeping you there.
Secondly, about the depression comment someone said to you. . . I’ve seen billboards here in Utah that say, “You wouldn’t tell someone with breast cancer to get over it,” and that is my opinion on the matter. It’s actually my favorite advertisement for depression awareness. So, hang in there. There are a lot of people who know what you’re going through, and the medical community is really starting to realize depression is not a choice, it’s a medical condition.