Seven months. It’s seven months today until the wedding. True, you’d think it was next week with the way I’m huggin’ it out with a few dozen spreadsheets and immersed up to my eyeballs in vendor proposals, but I guess this is just how it is with DIY events. So many details. And naturally, I feel like I have to over plan, over prepare and over scrutinize, because when it comes down to it, the only wedding-ish thing I’m very skilled at is cake eating. I am a friggin’ CHAMP at cake eating, but it turns out, that’s not the actual focus of a wedding. Funny that.
I may or may not have already told you (I tell a lot of people a lot of things – because sometimes, once I put it out there, I realize that either I am a wedding planning GENIUS or that I should really be consulting a professional. While lying on a couch) in lieu of corsages, I decided to go with vintage brooches for the ladies. So this weekend, my sister and I hit the antique mall in Austin and I learned that if I am a champ at cake eating, I am a ninja master when it comes to antique costume jewelry buying. It was so much stinking fun. Like being allowed to prowl around on the set of Mad Men and take whatever you want. So long as it fit in your budget, of course.
Also fun? That Mihow and I are talking lollipops! Since this a budget affair, I am determined to make every last detail as personal and deliberate as possible. And handmade, custom flavor lollipops fit that bill. I need to get some work done on the wedding website so I can show off the gorgeous, hand drawn invitations that Maura has done for us. I don’t want to embarrass her or anything, but I love them so much and she’s been unbelievably generous to donate her time and whatever our buy-at-Target-print-at-home invitation budget wouldn’t cover.
Less fun? Discussions about last name changing. Or about how I am currently having a really, really hard time with the idea. I’m just not ready. My sister couldn’t wait to trade in Hunter for her husband’s last name and honestly, I wish I was that eager because of how guilty I feel for, well, not being eager. I’ve been me for a really, really long time now and it’s like my friend Krissa said when she and Stuart tied the knot six years ago – I know who [Heather Hunter] is; but [Heather Griffith] is a total stranger. And you have to admit, Heather Hunter has a nice ring to it. Even if it is in a porn star kind of way.
The Dork Lord says that he can understand my reasons – on a logical level – but he’s taking it terribly personally in every other which way. Whether or not it’s a rejection of his last name (it’s not), it will still feel that way to him. And what about babies? Don’t I want to have the same last name as our children? Sure, I do. But why can’t that last name be Hunter? Yeeeeah, don’t even go there. Dudes who have been programmed with these traditions cannot even have such a conversation. Why would he ever change his name? That’s totally ludicrous. Of course it is, baby. I can’t believe I would suggest it.
The conversation I had with my dad about why I don’t want to be “given away” was so much easier. Instead of having hurt feelings, the old man was proud to have raised his daughter to “tell the old boys’ club where to stick it.” I suppose I thought the Boy would be proud, too, being with someone who was their own person.
I didn’t change my last name when I got married, and it is wonderful. I love being me. My husband, however, was super supportive. But, in the interest of women’s lib & making your own decisions & stuff, if he can’t imagine changing his, why would you want to change yours?
Our kid(s) will likely be little hyphenates or something. We haven’t actually talked about that seriously, yet, because LOTS of kids have different last names than their parents, so it doesn’t really matter in the end. All that matters is love & family.
I had the same name game dilemma. I always had visions of going for me PhD and becoming Dr. Kristen (given name)– by the way I HATE the phrase– maiden name– like it was waiting to be given up or something! I opted to keep my birth last name and simply add it into the middle name spot on license, bank accounts, etc. Professionally I will always be my single name and have slowly been adding the new married name to things at work.
I just got married last month, and I too am having a hard time with this name change situation. I decided to drop my middle name and move my maiden name to that spot. So you could be Heather Hunter Griffin…that way you’re still Heather Hunter (sort of).
Good luck with the wedding planning, you’ll be so relieved when it’s over- but it’s all worth it!
I’d never change my name. It’s mine. Would he change his? No? Sexism still exists?? Debate over.
As for the kids, they can have both on the birth cert., go my his (or mine), and pick whichever ones they want when they’re old enough.
I took my husband’s name only because I had wanted to change my last name as long as I could remember. Otherwise, I’d have hung on to my birth name.
If it’s important to you, try to broach the subject again later. Certainly if he is loathe to part with his own name he will, once he leaves his manhood out of it, understand.
I know how you feel about the name thing. When the only reasons my husband could give for me to change my name to his involved traditions tied to the idea of men owning their wives, he knew he lost the argument with me. He accepted it; whether I love him or not is not determined by what last name I am carrying. I told him that even though I’m a woman, all the feelings he has about giving up his name are probably the same feelings I’m having – as weird as it would feel for him, that’s how weird it would feel for me.
I don’t care about tradition, also, I don’t care if my kids have a different last name than I do. I wouldn’t be the first person in my family in that situation, and it hasn’t caused the world to end. Or, we could give every even kid my last name, every odd kid his.
I’m sorry that you have to try to convince him that you keeping your name is not a reflection of anything you feel for him. It’s not about him, it’s about YOU and YOUR NAME. It’s a hard thing to convince a guy who’s been taught otherwise, even when they’re “enlightened.”
I still think you’re a great couple, he’s a great guy, and I’m very happy for you both!
I got married and added to my name — maiden was Brenda Shannen Walsh, I married Dylan McKay, and became Brenda Shannen Walsh McKay.* My official last name is Walsh McKay. It’s a teeny bit annoying, but honestly, I love it. I feel like it’s not changing my name, it’s just adding more to who I am — which is sort of what marriage is like anyway.
(I could have hyphenated, but chose not to, for aesthetic reasons.) Embrace the creativity!
*Obvs, fake names in honor of the Internet.
I got married in May and have done about half of the name changing project. And know that it is a project – driver’s license, SSN card, bank accounts – that’s only the start of it. Think of every online account you have with your name on it. But, still, I’ve loved keeping all my names and adding my husband’s. I never thought of it as giving up anything, but adding something that all the members of our family will share (and we have a baby on the way). Professionally, I am not hyphenated, but use my first name then birth last name and then new last name and that works for me. There is nothing that says that you have to change it immediately either. Maybe tell the Dork Lord that you’d like a break from wedding stuff/giant task lists after the wedding and you’ll decide/tackle it 6 months after? Gives you time to think about it when you aren’t making a million other decisions and you’ll need something to do after the thank you notes are written.
Just my two cents.
My wedding is 9 months away and I’m SO bitter about the last name change. But alas, I want to share the same last name as my kids. But seriously, uber bitter.
I am having a similar dilemma. I LOVE my last name. It’s more a part of my identity than my first name, and the idea of relegating it to a middle name makes me feel lost. My fiance is understanding, but he’s also open about the fact that he “prefers” my name to change. If we have kids, I’m fine with them having his last name, and I’m fine with my last name being different. I suppose that’s partly from living in San Francisco for so long, though, where that is normal.
I guess the thing is, for me the name change is horribly painful. And he understands that I would never ask him to give something up if it was that painful. So I’m pretty sure I’m going to keep my last name.
After we married it took me 9 months to come to a decision about my last name. It was weird to think I wouldn’t be Kat Brandybuck anymore but I wanted to take on his name too. Eventually I became Kat Rosie Brandybuck Baggins (no hyphen, not a fan)–yeah, real fun filling out legal documents! And of course, not long after all that agonizing I discovered I was happy to just use Baggins. If we have kids they’ll be Baggins.
I do know a man who took on his wife’s last name, he was Stewart and she was Colbert so it’s Mr. & Mrs. Stewart-Colbert. They’re both happy and their kids use the same name.
So I say go with what makes you both happy.
I know exactly what you are going through with the name change. I got married at the ripe old age of 39, talk about having a hard time parting with my last name. Not to mention my maiden name is easy peasy no brainer and my married name, not so much. It requires constant pronunciation explanations and spelling lessons. I had a talk with the man and he really said it was up to me. It took me a couple of weeks after we were married to finally decide, and I went with changing my name. But I did keep my email, with my maiden name just because I couldn’t quite part with it
I am definitely going to change my name when I get married, although doing so will make my last name boring (think “Smith” boring). I am fairly attached to my name now, but plan to keep using it professionally so it won’t go away completely; I’ll legally change it and keep my maiden name just for that.
Interestingly, I feel more strongly about not making my maiden name my middle name when I get married (which everyone suggests) – I don’t have a middle name now and I like it, and I want to keep it that way. This works well because my boyfriend is pretty traditional about name changing…although we disagree about plenty of other things.
I gotta say, I’ve had a new name for three years and I feel very much like both now. It’s weird to say my maiden name now, it feels like that was childhood me and this is “me” me. I got married at 23, so I don’t have a huge amount of professional association with my name, though I think I might in the future (family business), but I don’t regret changing my name. My husband would have been very hurt if I hadn’t, and we feel like our own family now, and our name is part of that unity.
Anyway, my point is that although I was huuuugely skeptical at first, looking back even three years later it doesn’t seem like a big deal anymore. It’s so much more worth it to have the same name of my kids and to be our own family unit in that sense than to have clung to my maiden name.
We just got married in May and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do until we filled out the paperwork. He *almost* went along with the blended name thing, but at the end of the day, couldn’t do it. However, once he’d realized how I felt, he was cool with me keeping my name if I wanted to. Once it was an option and not an expectation, it was a little easier. I now have two middle names and a very long drivers license. =^) In my case, I just wanted it to be easier when we have kids. If we didn’t want children, I would have kept it.
I still cried at the registrars office when we filled out the paperwork. As we walked out, he said that he really appreciated what I’d done and knew it wasn’t easy. And we decided that from now on, I got to name everything else that comes into our lives. Pets, kids, houseplants, cars – if it gets a name, I’m the one that picks it. After all, he got to pick the last name.
He also volunteered to come and sit at the DMV and the social security office with me so I didn’t have to go through all that pain on my own. Didn’t take him up on it, but made appointments on-line (you can do that in CA) and ended up spending way less time in those places than expected. Most of the pain has been changing the bank stuff and stupid frequent flier accounts. Credit cards and retirement accounts were all cool with a phone call and a few questions. Southwest Airlines needed a copy of the marriage certificate. Go figure.
It’s a tough decision. But whatever you decide to do – keep, take, blend, change, wait, etc, – as long as it’s right for the two of you, is going to be the right decision.
Yet another reminder that I Am A Freak. Not only could I not have cared less if my wife changed her name, I personally find the whole thing a little… not creepy, but off-putting, at least when I considered what the shoe would be like on my foot.
I can’t imaging changing my name. When I was married it was part of my identity for almost forty years. It makes me wonder if younger folks have less issues with it because they haven’t had this adult/professional identity as long. Folks getting married in their early 20s presumably have been thinking of that name as their parents’ property for longer than their own.
Or maybe I’m rationalizing.
Anyway, I fully supported my wife keeping her last name but she decided that she wanted to change it. Her rationale was that it was just some other man’s name – her father’s – she was leaving behind and that she wanted us to have the same name. Because families do, in her opinion.
You could always do what my friends did and make a hybrid name. Everyone compromises and changes.
Just think – you could be Mr and Mrs Grunter.
I have been married for 2 years and have a 7 month old daughter. And I still have not legally changed my name. I was “Jane Doe” for 32 years. While everybody might call me “Jane Doe Vixen,” and our daughter’s last name is “Vixen” it is nice to know that I am still, legally, “Jane Doe.” Fortunately, my husband doesn’t seem to mind (or at the very least stopped caring). Which is good, because I’m not planning on doing anything about the situation.
I have no advice for you and the Dark Lord. But I do wish you well!
I get married in 6 months and I decided immediately I would change my name when we get married. His name is easier to spell and while I’ll miss my birth name, I think of it as closing the book on one life and starting on a new one. I’m a more traditional girl so I never thought twice about it. My boy is super supportive and tells me I don’t have to do this, but I think he’s really happy I am.
TOTALLY with you on the not wanting to be “given away”. I’m not doing that shit either. Hopefully when it comes down to it (which is no time soon since I’m currently single!), my dad won’t be offended. But I just don’t understand/can’t relate to that part of the traditional ceremony.
Being the Krissa in question (and married to the Stuart), I can say this: I never thought I’d care about this until it came right down to the wire – and the way we met and got married, it was nothing BUT wire. Then suddenly it was like, Krissa Bridgett? Krissa WHO? Plus, my last name is in the South American tradition: it’s Corbett Cavouras, no hyphen. That’s my mother, and my father, and damnit if I was going to throw both of them out! Stuart agreed, and he loves my name (and the people attached to them) so he didn’t really want me changing it either.
Now that we’re talking about kids (eventually) though, it’s a whole other kettle. Like I said, South American! Our kids are going to be Cavouras Bridgett if you ask me. No hyphen; that way they can use either or both. But Stuart thinks that passing on a problem generationally and wants us to decide. Ultimately, I’m not willing for our kids not to have SOME of my name. So either it’s Cavouras Bridgett … or it’s Cavouras and Stuart changes his name to mine. Which, BLESS THAT GUY, he would seriously consider.
SO! Yes. Enough about me. Mr. Griffiths should seriously evaluate why he’s got the yin won’t even consider the yang. Why don’t you both just change to Hunter-Griffith? That’s what Beth and Josh did and they love it.
Being the Krissa in question (and married to the Stuart), I can say this: I never thought I’d care about this until it came right down to the wire – and the way we met and got married, it was nothing BUT wire. Then suddenly it was like, Krissa Bridgett? Krissa WHO? Plus, my last name is in the South American tradition: it’s Corbett Cavouras, no hyphen. That’s my mother, and my father, and damnit if I was going to throw both of them out! Stuart agreed, and he loves my name (and the people attached to them) so he didn’t really want me changing it either.
Now that we’re talking about kids (eventually) though, it’s a whole other kettle. Like I said, South American! Our kids are going to be Cavouras Bridgett if you ask me. No hyphen; that way they can use either or both. But Stuart thinks that passing on a problem generationally and wants us to decide. Ultimately, I’m not willing for our kids not to have SOME of my name. So either it’s Cavouras Bridgett … or it’s Cavouras and Stuart changes his name to mine. Which, BLESS THAT GUY, he would seriously consider.
SO! Yes. Enough about me. Mr. Griffiths should seriously evaluate why he’s got the yin won’t even consider the yang. Why don’t you both just change to Hunter-Griffith? That’s what Beth and Josh did and they love it.
I used to work with a woman who created a new last name with her husband when they got married. She told me they announced their new last name at their wedding. At least then you can stand in line at the DMV, Social Security Office, etc together.
I’m living in a parallel-ish world right now. We’re discussing both of us changing our names for a hybrd last name. We may just keep our own respective last names, but the idea of the hybrid has not been vetoed by either of us. As for wedding planning, I finally had to get word-slapped by my therapist into realizing how bonkers I’ve been getting about wedding planning. By the way, to share the wisdom, the details of the wedding (e.g., centerpieces and updos) are less important than how happy the relstionship is. Funny, that.
I think you should just combine your last names into one super last name: Grifter. It’s simple, fair, and really one of the words I’ve always used to describe you anyway. MUAH! You’re welcome.
I got married in June and for months before the wedding I had planned on changing my name and even looked forward to it. I thought I wanted to change it (his is way easier so say and spell than mine) thinking all romantic things like, “If we have kids, we’ll all have the same name”. As soon as the papers were signed (and we’d smooched on it) however, I changed my mind and my old name stuck, and I’m glad about that.
I was undecided on the name-change thing because I really didn’t want to let go of my name… and because my husband has a weird last name. But after a few months I decided to drop my middle name, make my “maiden” name my middle name, and take on my husband’s last name. I was able to keep my name and avoid being a hyphenate and I was happy with my new name. 2 1/2 years later I wish I would’ve just dropped my last name and taken his because I miss my old middle name… so I’m thinking I may change my name again. Lesson learned: there is no right or wrong answer here… it’s all about what feels right for you. Of course you don’t need to change your name right after your married… maybe you’ll decide you want to after some time has passed, maybe you won’t. It’s about what you’re comfortable with.
I loathe the name changing “tradition. My last ex did whine at me to change it, but was all, “At least hyphenate! I’ll hyphenate too!” He REALLY got off on the idea of me being labeled as his property (yes, really), but that gave me the creeps. And our names are already too long and hard to spell, so no way.
There is no way I am taking a man’s name unless I have to go into witness protection. I would resent the hell out of him if he really wanted me to and we probably shouldn’t get married if that’s what he wants out of a woman.
Just…ugh. I do not have a right to my own name because I wasn’t born with a penis? Really?! It makes me so mad. And it’s ridiculous to change your name after having had it for decades and having published and stuff like that anyway.
Yeah…sensitive topic for me
My husband and I both changed our last names to MyLastName HisLastName (with a space, no hyphen in between). So my thought is that you could change your name to DorkLordsLastName YourLastName–then you could go by Heather Hunter for professional things, but his name would still be part of yours.
Sooo… In my family, the children all have my mother’s last name. She was the last one in the world, so she fought the courts, and we all have her last name. (My dad was totally fine with it.) Since I was the first child and because it was not legal at the time, I actually have two birth certificates!
Neither parent had to change their name. However that does not mean that they are always (or even usually) called by their correct names. And growing up, it took teachers a while to figure out that my dad (who was very involved in school activities) was related to me and married to my mother.
Since my parents fought for my last name, I knew I would never give it up. I told my husband-to-be that I was fine hyphenating my name, and he could keep his name, and the kids could have his last name. He actually decided that he wanted us all to have the same name, and we BOTH have the hyphenated last-names. Yes, filling out paperwork is going to be difficult for our children. BUT, it was really nice to have company when I was visiting the social security office, the driver’s license bureau, etc.
)
In the end, it is up to you and the Dork Lord… You could also go by one name legally and another professionally. Think about it for a while–after all, you still have seven months!
You and I got engaged about the same time and I got married a month ago. I love reading about all of your adventures in planning and hope you’ll continue to share details.
My own Dork Lord is fine with whatever I do, but thinks it would be easier to have the same last name if we have kids. His parents are old-fashioned and I think it would bother them if I didn’t change my name. (I have no parents, so my family wouldn’t get offended.)
I’m 41 years old and am really attached to my name. I will be using my name professionally and changing to his name for everything else. (But, that being said, I still haven’t gotten around to the DMV or Social Security office!)
Good luck in finding the right name for you!
I kept my name. Because like you I thought my husband’s last name sounded like it belonged to a stranger. I imagined her as some blonde midwestern woman with three kids and a mini-van. And I am none of those things. My husband wasn’t happy, but he got over it. I gave him a choice. Either we both changed our names to a combination of our last names or no one changes. I felt like that was the only fair and reasonable thing to do because in my book I wasn’t becoming a part of his family any less than he was becoming a part of mine, and more importantly, we were becoming each other’s family
I guess I’m very much in the minority here, but I never really saw the big deal about changing my name when I got married. Yes, it’s just a tradition, not a necessity, but it’s a tradition I was fine with. I changed my name immediately after we got married and never looked back. I like the fact that my husband and kids and I all have the same name because it makes me feel like we’re all part of a whole.
That being said, though, I think it all depends on what you’re comfortable with. I was comfortable with it. But others are not. And if changing your name is something that is going to make you unhappy (and as someone else said, uber-bitter) then hopefully you can help the Dork Lord to understand your feelings. Best of luck in finding a solution that makes both of you happy!
I’d love to “belong” to some guy. Your life is supposed to change when you get married – now it’s about each other.
I guess I kind of lucked out on the whole name-change front. I started thinking it over pretty soon after he proposed and realized that I really didn’t want to change my name…so my hubby volunteered to change his. We’ve both kept our names for now, but if we decide to have kids someday, he’ll change it then so all of us can share a last name (which is my only motivation for changing anyone’s name to begin with). I really should give his mom more credit. She did *something* right with that one.
I wish I knew what to tell you, Fish. Your situation sounds pretty rough. I’ve heard of couples taking each others’ last names and using them as new middle names, which could be a nice gesture if you guys would be down with that. But it doesn’t really help with naming the potential spawn. Soo…I’ll just offer some virtual hugs and cross my fingers for you that everything works out. (((HUGS)))
I’m so happy for you! I know it’s crazy but I feel like when you read someone’s blog you get to know a little part of them and grow excited for them when good things happen.
I hope we get to eventually see pictures!
I love little touches (like the brooches) in weddings. I think when you have to big of a budget it becomes to cookie cutter. When you are on a tighter budget you have to become more inventive and crafty. : )
Nick keeps offering to change his last name to Brown. Do you want me to send him over to chat with Chris?
I think I’m going to change mine, just because his last name is more fun to write than mine, and Brown is boring, and I’m tired of being an adjective. But I’ll stay Sarah Brown professionally, and on the internet. I look forward to having a secret last name I can use in my personal life that not everyone will know. But I’ll still always sign things “sb.”
I have the exact same feeling as Dani above – my boyfriend’s last name paired with my first name really and truly sounds like a suburban mom with a minivan. And I totally love my name now, after years of ambivalence about it because it’s so complicated and mispronounced by most people (all 3, first, middle, last). But my last name makes my first/middle sound great and interesting, and his last name just pulls it down into suburbia. He really, really, really wants me to change it though, despite all my attempts at feminist education. And I’m not into hyphenation (I do think that it just creates a problem for the next generation). So I think I’m not going to legally or professionally change it when we get married, but, socially, if people want to call me Mrs Boyfriend’sLastName, no big deal.
Your dad is right to be proud of you. I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle if I ever bother to get married but my last name is mine. I’m an only child as far as my dad is concerned, no way I’m giving that up.
Let’s leave aside all the political correctness, men’s needs, feminism issues and ask ourselves: “which is easier?” Answer – Keep your original name. Paperwork is timeconsuming and forces you to interact with DMV & Social Security personnel who are CERTAIN that you are a terrorist/identify thief/blogger trying to get away with something.
Does this mean you announce to anyone who addresses a Chrismas card/introduces you, etc. etc. as Heather DorkLord gets treated to a lecture? No. Why? Because that’s not the easy way. The easy way is to be Heather Hunter on paper and wherever else you need to be and Heather DorkLord in situations which really don’t matter. Let the kids by DorkLords — why? Becaues it’s — what’s that, kids? — EASY.
I married very young the 1st time around and became Barbara H., H. being exhusband’s last name. We had a daughter whose name is Daughter H. We divorced, and I went through all the paperwork to go back to Barbara E., because I wanted that back. Then I met 2nd husband G, who cared nothing/zero/bupkes about last names. We married, but are not having little G’s together. So our household is comprised of 3: Daughter H, Barbara E. & Husband G. If we had decided to have little G’s, they’re last name would be have been G. Why? You know the answer.
I didn’t change my name when I got married over 6 years ago. It made no sense for me professionally and my husband was totally supportive. Of course our families still address me with his last name, but it’s fine. I don’t take offense. So I guess I took it socially kinda, but not legally. Also our 2 year old has his last name and I am just fine with that too.
I know what you mean, I had a really hard time when it came to changing my last name too. I finally decided to do it because a) it meant so much to him, and b) I got so I kinda liked it; even if it isn’t the last name of my dreams, and it didn’t mean me. It means me now
But I also didn’t want to give up my last name, OR my middle name. It seems sometimes you have to choose one or the other, and I really didn’t like that. So I moved my last name to the middle spot, and gave myself two middle names. Yes, you can do that
it’s on my social security card, drivers license and everything. It’s just in places where they only want one initial where I have to choose which one.
And I love having his last name now – it makes it more real to me that we actually sealed the deal, and that I’m really his and he’s mine now. It feels good.
I did not change my name when I got married 3 years ago. My husband reacted much like the Dork Lord when we had the initial “I don’t want to change my name” conversation. He kept resorting to arguments of tradition and kids with the same last name. He finally came to terms with the idea when he saw how important it was to me. I think he would still prefer it if I had changed my name, but he understands why I chose not to.
My cousin wanted to keep her name when she got married, but he felt very strongly that they should share a name. So immediately following the vows, the played rock, paper, scissors to decide on their last name. She won, he changed his name. No blend, no hyphens, one name.
Me again. I didn’t know Dork Lord’s last name. While it doesn’t change my pov a whit, I LOVE Hunter-Griffith. It sounds very landed British gentry.
I got married, took his name, got divorced, and went back to my maiden name.
Truth be told, I missed ‘me’. Yes, it’s weird having my daughters with a different last name and their stepmother being treated like The Mother. It’s then that I get pushy and introduce myself as The Official Mother.
But when it all comes down to it, my literal identity was tied to my name. Both to my memories as a child and to my profession as an adult, and it all was sort of lost when I became married.
I’ve told my kids if I ever remarried, I’m still keeping my maiden name. I like my name too much to give it up again.
I did not take my husband’s name when we got married. He was completely fine with it. His traditional Roman Catholic Italian family was not. But they didn’t have a say in the matter, so they deal. We are now expecting a child, and his family already asked if we would (GASP!) hyphenate the child’s name or include my last name in some other way. I assured them that we would not. The child will have my husband’s name. Part of the reason I did not take his name was because it is important that I keep my name professionally, and our last names sound horrible together. If I didn’t want to deal with that myself, why would I inflicted it on a child?
That being said, I really don’t think it will bother me to have a different last name than my child. But, if it does, I can always change my name later. There is no rule that you have to change it the day you get married or never. It’s up to you. And no one else.
Oh my, Fish. We share not only a birthday but the same name-change dilemma! I got married two weeks ago and really struggled with the name change. I was married before and had changed my name both to my married name and then back to my maiden name, so I knew what a hassle it is. Not to mention that my in-laws and I don’t really get along so I really didn’t want to take their name. My husband didn’t care either way at first, but then decided it really mattered to him. I do want us to have the same name and any future kids as well, so I finally went for it. It still feels weird and I keep calling myself by my maiden name, but I do get a slight thrill when I see things addressed to “Mr. & Mrs. Hisname.” I think Heather Hunter Griffith has a nice ring to it and shows a commitment to your new little family!
I had a really hard time with the name change too. Got married at 38, so had been “me” for a really long time. The only reason I changed it was because my husband felt more strongly about me changing it than I did about not changing it – and not because he’s a chauvinist, but because he’d been incredibly hurt when his first wife informed him AFTER the wedding that she wasn’t changing her name.
So I changed my maiden name to my middle name and took my husband’s last name. And know what? After all that agonizing and thought, it’s never phased me for a second to have this new name. I could have kept my original middle name and ditched the maiden name completely and I don’t think I’d be bothered at all. Weird how things turn out.
It took me 6 months after the wedding to change my name. I had a hard time. Instead of doing the whole awkward hyphen thing though, I opted to keep my maiden name as my middle name. So I am still me. I’ll use my former middle name on a child or a dog. Whichever comes first.
Re: Name Change
My old initials were M.E.N. and I always joked that I _loved_ my name.
And when I got married I’d be giving up “M.E.N.” and now I’m a M.E.S. It was just much stranger than I realized. It really is about identity and men just don’t understand, bless their hearts. I did change my name and thought nothing about it until I had to make the adjustment. I do not regret it in any way, but I think it is still a process I’m in becoming Megan Segraves (almost 7 months now). Maybe it’s just the existential thinkers that have this trouble.
If this was disjointed– I’m on cough meds and I apologize!
I kept my maiden name and my husband allowed me to give it to our son- since I was a second wife, he already had 3 boys with his last name out there. Meanwhile, I was the last Hartung with a kiddo. My Dad was the only son, and he only had 2 daughters.
I was hoping to meet someone with a great last name since I’m not crazy about mine- but my husband’s name is Croatian and very difficult to spell/pronounce. Combine that with an ex-wife already bearing his name, and I opted to keep my own. The fact I was 36 had something to do with it as well, I am sure.
You need to do what makes you happy! It’s a lot of paperwork if your heart isn’t into it.
Allow me to give you some perspective.
My last name was Krob.
I got married in January.
My last name now is Khokhobashvili.
Seriously.
I didn’t want to hyphenate for offensive initial-related reasons, and I wasn’t all that attached to my maiden name. I didn’t realize what a traditionalist I was until I realized that I would have felt worse about NOT taking his name. I guess I just see it as one more link between us, something that nobody else has.
That and it’s GREAT FUN when the telemarketers call.
My boyfriend and I have discussed this same issue. He doesn’t care if I change my name– he just wants boy children to have his last name and girl children can have mine. But I don’t know– I might just use my last name as a kiddo’s first name and pass it along that way.
I liked me as me, so kept my name. Our (11 mo old) daughter has 2 middle names: one we gave her for her own and the second one is my last name, and she has my husband’s last name as hers.
I wasn’t worried about her having a different last name than me. As a teacher most of my student’s parents have different last names than their own, so it’s definitely common.
I chose not to change my name when I got married.. My husband was ok with it. Our 4 children are all named in the Puerto Rican style of two last names. Castro Carter. No hypen, both used in school and doctors office. It’s less confusing than people try to make it and quickly get the hang of it.
If it matters to you, stick to your guns. Taking his name doesn’t mean you love him any more than if you don’t.
I chose not to change my name when I got married.. My husband was ok with it. Our 4 children are all named in the Puerto Rican style of two last names. Castro Carter. No hypen, both used in school and doctors office. It’s less confusing than people try to make it and quickly get the hang of it.
If it matters to you, stick to your guns. Taking his name doesn’t mean you love him any more than if you don’t.
I hear ya about the last name thing. Although mine is a little less roll-off-of-your-tongue than my boyfriend’s, if we ever get hitched, it’s a mute point.
I understand the name-change dilemma because I went through the same thing. I was just out of university and ended up moving to the city where my husband’s job was, which also happened to be in a foreign country (!) and so I was going to have to learn a new language to live and work there. Yikes, right? So changing my name felt like just one new thing too many. Everyone- my family, his family, his friends, my friends, strangers on the bus- had a problem with it but I stuck to my guns. Deep down, I thought that one day I would do the paperwork to change my name, when I felt more settled. Its 11 years and two kids later, and I’ve never felt the need. Frankly, there are so many unmarried longterm couples among our friends that no one notices that we don’t have the same last name. Half the kids that go to school with our children have divorced parents with different last names. Christmas cards and invites come addressed to Mr and Mrs His-last-name but its never bothered me. I think the only real issue is finding a way for your fiance to feel good about things. Thats important.
When I got married, I pulled together a lot of the details myself as well. Just as an example, because I couldn’t justify paying $30+ for table centerpieces of flowers that weren’t going to last & anyone can get any other day of the year, I did centerpieces myself.
I looked at gift stores for ideas, got creative at the craft stores & bought things on clearance after holidays. I ended up making centerpieces (vases filled w/potpourri, with a votive & holder in the neck of it, tied w/ribbons in “my colors” my bridesmaids & family still have & use them 12 years later) for less than $7 each & was able to make enough extras to put them in other places like next to the cake, guestbook etc… and also was able to do things like contribute money towards bridesmaids dresses due to savings on thing like this. It’s all about what’s important to you & what you’re comfortable doing yourself.
My best advice, just keep on top of things by writing down all of your ideas & questions etc… in one place and come the day, you will look around & know that your own style is in every corner or event. Sounds like you are on your way to that, enjoy the process!
we’re coming up on our first anniversary, and i did change my name, pretty much immediately after the wedding. I didn’t feel like it was a big hassle, although it was a slight annoyance. I only had one moment of name changing panic – i sign all my emails with my initials, and I did a test run with my bridesmaids of my new initials (i didn’t have a middle name, so my maiden name just jumped up a spot), and HATED it. thankfully, this was months before the wedding, and before I changed my name, so i gave myself some time to adjust, knowing that if i wasn’t comfortable, i could hold off. at the end of the day though, i just wanted to have the same name as my husband, just like i wanted us both to wear wedding rings. personal preference, of course.
i suppose there was one other problem – while i never felt like i was giving ME up (celeste g or celeste h, whatever) I had some major issues with giving up my parents’ last name and taken my husband’s father’s last name, because I have issues with him. it worked out ok, but it still irks me when he cracks a joke about how i’m an “h” now, because no sir – i married your son, not you. as for patriarchal name change issues – its my husband’s name or my father’s. even my mother’s maiden name is my grandfather’s. until society changes at large, i don’t know that argument holds much water. oh, and our soon to be born son? my maiden name will be his middle name, and our second child will have my mother’s maiden name as a middle name, and if we end up with a third? their middle name will be my husband’s mother’s maiden name.
I really struggled with changing my last name. I had previously changed it when I was 18 from my birth father’s last name to my stepfather’s… I was extremely attached to that last name! But, I am very traditional, so I bit the bullet and changed my last name the week after we got back from our honeymoon. It meant the world to the hubby (also a very traditional person), and he has reminded me of it multiple times since, and how proud it makes him that I took his name. We had had several discussions before the wedding about it, as I hadn’t wanted to change it. I cried when I finally did, but I feel more like it’s ‘us’ now. I’m not holding on to my old life, I’ve started a new one.
*puts up hand*
Going through the same issue over here. My wonderful fiance is assuming I’ll take his last name, which in the end, I probably will anyway. My issue lies with the fact that my dad was the only boy who had two girls. With me taking a new name, the line ends just like that. I’ve thought about doing what my great-grandmother (she was incredibly forward thinking for the 1920s) did and make my middle name my original family name. I don’t know. In the mean time I’m just not thinking about it.
Now back to the planning…
WOW! I can’t believe how many “open minded” people are out there, so cool. I did not change my name, the new husband didn’t care and that was that. Our son does have his dad’s last name though.
Hi Heather,
The name change issue is so complicated! When my mother & father married in the 70′s (I’m 27) it wasn’t even a discussion– my mom absolutely kept her last name. Today, all of my friends (even those from Bryn Mawr – famously feminist all-women college) changed their names without even a discussion. It’s now kind of hard to find old high school & college friends on facebook, etc, because their identities have changed. I also found it remarkable that we’ve had almost a complete culture shift from my mother’s day. Here’s how my parents worked it out with the kidlets: I had Mom’s last name as my middle name and Dad’s last name as my last (same with my brother). However, I came home from first grade crying because no one could pronounce my father’s name… and so he generously switched both my brother’s & my name. So now I am Anna (Dad’s name) (Mom’s name). Sure, sometimes people call my dad Mr. (Mom’s name), but it’s not that big of a deal for him- I asked him about it last night after reading your thought-provoking post. Dad was able to pass along his rich family history to us by giving us rings emblazoned with his family crest. I am very proud of both of my names, and proud of my parents for doing what felt right to them! Plus, I love being unique.
All that being said… most of the guys I’ve dated have felt strongly about having their wife take their name. Le sigh.
I decided to look at the name change as a self-empowerment thing. After all, I never had a say in what my maiden name should be. I went out on my very own and picked the very best last name I could find, attached to the very best man I’ve ever known. I would have placed my former last name as my middle name, if I were attached to it. But to be honest, my mother didn’t do as good a job at picking the man. So good riddance.
I dunno, when I got married it never even occurred to me to not change my last name. You get married, you take your husbands name. You have children, the have your husbands name, which is now your name, and becomes their name. It’s not about ownership or giving up your independence, it’s about being a family.
Not be snarky, but I don’t blame the Dork Lord for being bummed about at your hesitation to take his name, it’s kind of a slap in the face. And it’s not just “dudes who have been programmed with these traditions”, it’s pretty much the majority of people.
I would like to know what majority you’re talking about here. Friends who have married in the last five years who did not change their names to their husbands’ – ahem:
Stephanie
Krissa
Kate
Jen
Eleanor
Nicole
Another Stephanie (this one, her hubby changed his name so they would have the same last name)
Friends who did: Elizabeth and Jennifer.
2:7 What majority would you be referring to? Because in the world I come from, it’s not expected of an established, grown-ass woman with a name and ideas of her own. Nor is it an insult when she chooses not to. And you know what? You can be family without the same name, the same skin color or even the same biological parents.
Expand. Your. Mind.
And of course you meant to be snarky. Don’t be so modest.
You know what, Heather? You whined for months (years) about wanting to have kids, you whined for months about wanting to get engaged. You got engaged and now you whine about not wanting kids, and now you’re whining about the baggage that comes with marriage (i.e. changing your name).
My friends who have gotten married and changed their names:
Maria
Susan
Heidi
Beth
Friends who haven’t:
Kristen
Seven people does not a majority make.
I’m done reading your blog, best of luck to you and the Dork Lord.
You know what, Heather? You whined for months (years) about wanting to have kids, you whined for months about wanting to get engaged. You got engaged and now you whine about not wanting kids, and now you’re whining about the baggage that comes with marriage (i.e. changing your name).
My friends who have gotten married and changed their names:
Maria
Susan
Heidi
Beth
Friends who haven’t:
Kristen
Seven people does not a majority make.
I’m done reading your blog, best of luck to you and the Dork Lord.
You know what, Andrea? You’re rude and condescending and when you get it thrown back at you, you take your ball and go home. I think that says a lot.
Wait, wait, wait. Is this disgruntled Andrea the same one who said she wanted to “belong to some guy?” Because of course she is.
She’s a Phoenix!
It’s such a fraught topic, and there’s so many reasons people have for doing/not doing it, but I won’t pretend my reasons have anything to do with feminism or sexism or anything so momentous. If I took my boyfriend’s last name, I would be Sarah O’Hara, and I just can’t say or hear it without cringing at the rhyme and rythmn. So I would keep my maiden name, but let the kids have his name.
Although, my last name encodes a lot of my heritage, which he does not share, and I would feel like I was giving up part of myself to give it up.
Really, I don’t think there is a “wrong” thing to do, so long as *thought* went into the decision, and it wasn’t just a knee-jerk, “this is just the way it’s done” reaction.
Don’t change your name if you don’t want to.
If he isn’t willing to consider changing his name, then he should understand why you wouldn’t want to change your name.
I think what is great about the women’s movement is that it gave women a choice. You should have a choice. If you want to take his name- great. If you don’t- great. If he wants to change his name or you both take on a whole new name- great.
You should do what you want.
I kept my name. Our kids will have my husband’s name as a middle name and my name as a last name.
To Andrea’s point, we are still a family. Just because my husband and I don’t share a last name doesn’t make us any less of a family. And frankly, I don’t know which “most of society” you are referring to because the “society” I hang with thinks the woman should have a choice.
Whoa. If I were Andrea, I’d take my toys and go home, too. I’m not sure how her comment was any snarkier than the line about the Dork Lord at the end of your post.
Disclaimer: Said without any knowledge of Andrea’s previous snarkiness, and in complete support of your last name decision.
I’m sure you’re right, O.
I’m also sure that what I was (over)reacting to was the….er, limited perspective as much as the curt tone. I mean, majority? Really? It’s not the majority of people. Most of the world doesn’t do it that way. And for a VERY long time, it wasn’t even in the Western European tradition – so what we’re getting our “normal” from is not so long-held a tradition as all that. Maybe the majority of her peer group didn’t give it a second thought, but not my peer group, for sho’. There’s a choice! It’s just narrow minded to say it’s not about independence because it *IS* about giving up your independence if your name means that to you. And defining a family by last name is even narrower. And sad. That got my hackles up.
But furthermore, it boggles the mind that anyone who categorizes what I write about my experience as “whining” would keep reading anyway! Then again, they’re also the kind to announce their exit and then continue reading for years, posting under different names, etc. etc. So, you know.
I never considered giving up my name. That just seems weird, unsettling, and completely unrelated to our marriage. I’m 33 years old and a decade into my career- this is me.
My husband has even stronger opinions about it than I do- he thinks it’s an archaic and embarrassing tradition left over from when wives were considered property. I think it would’ve bothered him if I was eager to give up such an intrinsic part of my identity.
Our first baby is due in a few months, and I want him to have his father’s last name. It’s just a preference. If we had a more graceful hyphonated option, I would’ve chosen that.