After I finished addressing our Save the Dates, they sat for almost a whole week on our dining room table – because I wasn’t sure I wanted to send them. At all. Ever.
It’s not often that I don’t know what to do. In fact, I’m guessing it’s closer to never. My super power, while physically unimpressive, would be an unbending, hard fast certainty. In every situation, self-assured and possessing clear direction.
Until the week before Thanksgiving.
You couldn’t call it a fight, really, because even if you’re being very King Solomon about things, it was horribly one-sided. Something had been plaguing me for months – a new behavior, one that had me wondering who exactly this was I’d decided to marry – and one evening, on our way home from his folks’ house, I got up the courage to talk about it. And all hell broke loose. He was in the wrong and knew it, but his response to my “I’m uncomfortable with…” was unexpected and harsh and personal. He made it clear that it was my fault he wasn’t spending time with me. That I was boring. I said nothing, just turned my face to the car window and closed my eyes for the rest of the 30 mile drive.
That night I spent hiding upstairs in my office, shocked and sad, and for the first time in our relationship, one hundred percent uncertain. What should I do? Take off my ring, pack a bag and stop this thing right in its tracks?
“Do you even like me anymore?” I finally asked the next morning. I was bleary and sick to my stomach and genuinely not sure of what his answer would be.
“Yes, I do. Very much.”
It was all his fault, he said – the one thing I actually already knew for certain. We spent the morning talking it out. But even after he made his most heartfelt apologies, it took me some time to actually accept them. In my head, I couldn’t reconcile what had happened – that he made me doubt everything, and now I just had to let it go. But then, I did. And when I realized I had, that’s when I went home, picked up those blue envelopes, and drove them to the mailbox.
Okay, I thought. I’m in.
i think something about the wedding planning process creates doubts. just the act of planning your FOREVER with this person makes alarm bells sound for even the happiest of couples. i was so there (and just celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary). take a deep breath. here’s to wishing you the best!
I would never have the guts to post something like this publicly, but I’ve been there. Hang in there Fish! Everything will be fine.
Oh gosh, I’ve been there, too. That same empty feeling in your gut, not knowing what words to expect next. The words that might say it’s over. The miserable night spent pondering if that’s the end, etc. Man, I HATE that. And it is true, that once it is said out loud, you can never take it back. There have been things said to me, about me, that I wish I could forget. But they were said, during a moment of anger/uncertainty and the best I could do at the time, was put on a happy face. And it fades over time. The good words far, far, outweigh the bad, and while you’re never likely to forget, after a time you are likely not to remember it very often. I’m proud of you for voicing your opinion to the Boy in the first place…that’s the hardest step it seems.
Thanks again for posting something so real about your life. I have read your posts for a long time and hardly ever commented but I wanted to on this one. I hear you on changes in relationships, my husband has been going through some big changes of his own and I think it takes me willing to change with him to make things work.
I love the “save the date” cards!! And, I’m actually loving that you guys fight. Everybody does, but it’s easy to think that “I’m the only one” when nobody talks about it. Sounds like you guys have a good life ahead of you!
I don’t think it is a great sign that he was willing to hurt you like that in defense of his actions. Sure, people have issues and may have words, but being purposefully hurtful is not a good thing. Is this a pattern with him?
I missed you Fish! So happy to “see ya”.
Ouch.
I am so happy though that you said what you feel needed to be said. So many people don’t and go about living a very unhappy existence.
This too shall pass…..
You’re not boring. & boys are dumb. & your save the dates are beautiful. & I hate ivillage.
Had the same thing told to me last week, all without reason. Instead of being willing to talk it out my guy of 2.5 years just ended it. Ouch. I think the fact he was willing to admit he was wrong and attempt to fix it says so much about him and your relationship. Btw, love your save the dates!
Heather, so glad you’re back. Sorry to hear about the recent uncertainty. Remember that you deserve nothing less than love and respect and the *very best* from the significant other in your life. I hope you will have that, and for always–
An impending wedding brings doubts and freakouts on both sides. If the good outweighs the bad in the relationship, that’s a great sign. As is the fact that you’re willing to talk to him about it AND that he’s willing to see he was wrong, admit it, and apologize.
Here’s a thing I’ve learned after 10 years of marriage: his initial reaction will almost always be one of defensiveness, ESPECIALLY if he knows he’s in the wrong. Sometimes he’ll lash out. Later, when you’re both calm, you can let him know that it’s not acceptable for either of you to behave that way, no matter how angry or defensive you may feel. It’s NEVER OK to take it out on the other person.
A question unrelated to this post: I was reading through your archives, but with the change to the site, the month and year archives no longer seem to exist. Any way to bring that back? It would take many many clicks to get back to where I left off.
Also unrelated to your post: the RSS feed no longer works. And I don’t like ivillage’s new layout, they messed with a simple (yet beautiful) scheme. Where is your fish?!?!
That was one of my favorite posts from you in while. So honest and good to know that other couples have the same fights, etc as the rest of us. Thanks for sharing!
The big question would be – did he change his behavior after his apology?
OMG! I just had kinda similar fights with my fiance! And I’ve had the same feelings as you do. I think the wedding really IS bringing out freak outs on both sides!
*hugs*
Please make a point to still be independent and fun. Being comfortable is one thing, and I certainly understand your being consumed with the wedding planning thing, but remaining the cool, plucky chica who is interested in everything around her and constantly evolving is another.
OH dear. Engagement fights are the worst. Right there with you, sister.
Everything just has different *weight* now. It’s scary. It’ll pass.
It’s posts like this that make me happy you’re still blogging. Love is not always roses and sunshine, and to pretend otherwise does a disservice to the women who read your blog who still are navigating through single waters. Thank you.
Congratulations Heather! That’s a conversation/thought process normally reserved for the first two years of marriage. In my book, it looks like you guys are already married! Ahead of the curve I say!
you will be divorced in five years. Run now
Heather – I just recently got married and experienced a very similar situation..I actually did take my ring off (only for a few days though and then thank goodness we were able to talk it out) and sent out the invitations out a few days late! Wedding planning does make both people go temporarily crazy and I’m so glad you were able to work it out. Kudos to you for being so patient and not yelling back at him even though you knew he was in the wrong – that definitely takes a lot of self restraint. One thing that might be helpful is pre-marital counseling, but not the traditional kind. We went to a one on one session with a relationship counselor who basically dissected our arguing styles and gave suggestions on how to work things out without making them worse. Best of luck to you!
ha, I had to come see the divorced in five years comment. quite a diagnosis on so little information!
It’s funny to me when folks think that having fights is a bad thing (a la divorced in five years commenter). I’m in the couples therapy field and when I read this I didn’t see “oh, you will so be divorced”. I saw “dang, they had a fight and both sides were willing to talk it out. Bravo!” Fights are good. Really good because they help clear the air and give a chance for each other’s perspectives to be heard — if each person is willing to be involved. Great to see (at least on the info revealed) that the two of you are adult enough to talk it out and grow.
)
I think getting married is one of the most terrifying things any of us will ever do. I’ve been engaged 5 months, and although I haven’t felt a huge pang of uncertainty (yet?) I have definitely had moments of like “oh wow, THIS is what I’m going to be dealing with for the next 50 years.” I do believe, however, that the rewards are just as big as the risks.
Thanks for sharing your story.