First, the good stuff – your favorites, thus far. For the most part, I really liked going back and reading these. Girl, You’ll be a Woman is a warm night in New York, walking up Second Avenue again, holding my skirt tight to my knees against the wind gusts. Some of them, though, are still painful. Gritty. Neverland, for instance, because of how uncomfortably close I stuck to the truth and how after reading it, I can’t stop hearing the sound of someone’s laugh or get the smell of that house out of my nostrils.
If you have any favorites from 2007 or 2008, this list doesn’t have anything from that time period. Which, on actually, now that I think about it, may mean I didn’t write anything during those years that’s worth re-reading. I moved to Dallas, drank martinis and worked jobs I didn’t care for, so the likelihood is high. We’ll just call those The Years of Boring.
- getting over, under, around & through
- azure & coincidence
- neverland
- girl, you’ll be a woman
- early mourning
- mightily
- a fistful of worms
- he said things
Ok. Now for the gross. Remember this? I don’t do bugs in my house, so after that discovery, the Dork Lord immediately called the apartment management company and an exterminator came to visit. A few days later, all was right with the world again. No more bugs. That was a number of weeks ago. This morning, I was taking a sleepy pee in the downstairs bathroom and this odd scratching sound caught my ear. Scritch, scratch. Scritch, scritch, scratch. Wasn’t the cat – he was drinking water out of the sink.
“Aw, man,” I thought. “Please don’t let us have mice in the damn walls!” I mean, there’s only so much I can take.
And then I looked up.
That is the cover to the uh, courtesy fan. It measures something like eight inches across. And that thing try to get out? It has a body length greater than a third of those eight inches. He was too. big. to get out of those slats. I have goosebumps all over just thinking about it. Watching him methodically trying to escape, I did everything I could not to throw a massive fit (I think you can hear me appealing to some deity or other) and immediately start packing up our belongings because that right there is just too much for me to handle. Instead, I nuked that mother effer with some hairspray and sent an email to my beloved, who was sleeping soundly in our upstairs bedroom.
You know how you know I love you? I didn’t wake you up while this was happening.
I feel like I need another shower. At someone else’s house.
GGGAHHHHH!!!! WTH IS THAT???
Satan? I don’t know! It’s so wretched, I might crawl out of my own skin.
ugggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
i almost puked watching that. i have a similar hatred for critters like that and my man is all too familiar that the gagging/screaming from the other room is usually me dueling (hairspray/magazine in hand) a bug.
you’re a better woman than i for not waking DL!
can’t wait to look back at the archives, it’s been too long!
I didn’t listen or watch the scary bathroom video (as had my own infestation this Fall and do not wish to relieve the sritching noises!), but I did re-read neverland – my absolute favorite of yours. It took my breath away the first time I read it, and still packs a punch. Glad to see it is a favorite of others. That whole Boston period stuck with me as I was in a similar situation.
i didn’t watch the video specifically because i don’t think i want that image. but is not knowing worse? nah…
I hoarsely whispered “Oh my God” while watching this, and then you said it about 5 seconds later. I feel like it’s on me!
Right? Jeez o’ pete, that thing freaks me out. I tried to be quiet but that, “Oh my god” just wouldn’t stay in.
Euuuwwwwww…….. Just one more reason I really love not living in the south anymore….. (SHUDDER!!)
NOT clicking on video. NFW. I just ate a hardboiled egg & want it to stay in place. Of course, dying to know what IT is.
Do it, Barbara. I double dog dare you.
Even if I returned to MAYBE take a look, Amanda’s thread below has me cringing & is sending me running: “Do they really get that big” “And hairy”? EWWWWWW!!
Is that… a tarantula? What the fcuk are those tentacles?!
House centepede maybe?
Most definately. Creepy thing.
Ohhhhh my effing gawd! I think I’d almost rather have a mouse.
Oh good god no!!! While I can’t stand creepy, crawly critters… mice make me literally jump on tables and scream. *shudders*
I shouldn’t have watched.
Ellen- Do house centipedes really get that big?
Or that HAIRY? I just…cannot.
we had a rat once
my father was out of town so my mother packed us up and we spent 2 nights at the Ritz
then she sold the house
something to keep in mind because that thing? scarier than a rat!!!
Your mother just might be my new hero.
ohmygodomygod. that totally makes me itch. I’m impressed that you stuck around long enough to document it for posterity! ick ick ick.
So without watching the video, and before reading the comments, I TOTALLY knew what this was going to be. Egads…we get them too. And let me tell you, there is no very quiet “oh my god” and valiantly not walking my SO. Nope, he gets a very loud scream followed by “GET IN HERE NOW!” followed by “KILLITKILLITKILLIT!”
You, Fish, are a braver woman than I.
WHAT? THE ?
No. Just no.
Although sometimes things like this snap you right into “I will appreciate my first world problems a little more because I don’t have to get near things like that” mode.
That, right there, was a R-rated horror film. I actually covered my eyes and shrieked.
My solution to this was a bug vacuum for ~$50. From Amazon. Although expensive, it means I don’t have to get very close. Also, smelling/hearing them fry on the electrical grid in the base makes me feel slightly better.
There’s a such thing as a bug vacuum?! Why am I just NOW finding out about this???!!!
THIS. is an amazing idea.
I still have goosebumps all over my arms that just won’t stop.. even a full minute after watching that! *shudders*
yup, absolutely a house centipede. ICK, good news- they eat other bugs, bad news- they are HUGE and beyond creepy, oh i so don’t miss living in texas
Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Oh god. Things like that fream me the h*ll out.
LOL, er, freak. But maybe “fream,” too, if that describes some sort of freaked-out-scream.
I thought the video was bad. But then I googled “house centipede.” Oh my. Why? Why???? I really wish I could un-see those photos.
Oh, and I would never, ever use that WC again if that had happened to me, Heather.
Lol. I was going to google but decided against it. I don’t need a close-up…
Isn’t Sir Hal any help in situations like this? My cat is very good at rescuing me from nasty things that appear in the house… however, i do then have to bribe him with somethign nice to get him to take it outside.
Oh God, I kept waiting for something even worse to happen, like it jumping out of the slats, so I was nervous and grossed out the whole time! I do not do creepy crawlies.
the funniest part of this is that I could tell while watching it that you were trying really hard to get close enough to zoom and capture the creature on film, but that the urge was being overpowered by the need to FLEE! So funny. it looked huge, and I’ve never ever heard of a ‘house centipede’ in my life.
PS I don’t want the bug to outshine the best part of the post though – I’m SO HAPPY you posted the old entries. Love reading those.
Oh my God ohmygodohmygod OHMYGOD! I’ve got the goosebumps on the back of my neck from that. I can’t believe you calmly filmed that. I would have been shrieking out the door with my pjs around my knees.
Also, your devotion the The Dork Lord is admirable. He got a good one!
BLECH!
I feel your pain. That is some scary schtuff. Having recently moved to a tropical area, I have had my fill of big, giant, hairy…creeping into my paradise. Funny how each critter’s scare factor becomes relevant. First, the roaches frightened me to death. Now, I’ll take a roach that I can quickly smack with a shoe, as opposed to what seem to be increasingly large scorpions…the last one was pregnant. Someone told me they give birth to 200 babies. But the ants and the geckos…I barely bat an eye now. Somehow I can still sleep at night. Perhaps that’s the paradise part.
Relevant? Er, I meant relative. I’m going to blame that on the 8 hours of Spanish lessons that took place before commenting!
That is HORRIFYING! I would have definitely screamed and left the BF to deal with it…OMG, I will now stop freaking out about my recurring ant issue…I get a few randomly that I can’t figure out where they’re coming from. Just like…three..at a time. Kill them. Spray. Then one more..then two….spray…UGH. But, I can co-exist with a few ants. THAT thing is so, so frightening. Please tell me you are now heavily armed with defenses…
I’m so sorry you had to witness that. I think I’d have to move.
The hair on my arms, it will not go down!
Ewww….Yuck!! We have them that big here in Florida too. I hate them. We had an infestation when I lived at my Dad’s when I was in High School. Needless to say I had to watch out whenever I put on shoes. All it took was one time at 6:30 am putting my foot in a shoe onto a live one that big!!! I thought my Dad had a heart attack with all the screaming I was doing. All I can tell you that there was an exterminator there by 8am. Never again. You are so much braver than I would have been.
Looks like it is a big cockroach to me.
I feel a little strange writing this, since the conversation here is really all about that abomination in your ceiling (because !!!!!), but I have to say something about these archived posts. They’re all excruciatingly beautiful, of course. But- though I read them all when they were written and experienced their intensity then- reading them all together produced the oddest sensation in me. You see, throughout the years in which they were written, I experienced those emotions too- in a different sequence, with different details, to different degrees, perhaps, but the same ones. Maybe we all do, and that’s why your writing is so compelling. What I want to say, though, is that sometimes I call my settled “woman” life into question, longing for the times of the girl that was unfettered and a little bit wild. Reading these posts, and experiencing the sensations in miniature, if you will, I was surprised at how unpleasant it was to feel like that girl again. In my romanticization of my youthful liberty, I had forgotten how much it hurt to live that way. Today my lover is a safe harbor, a warm hearth- and what value there is in this to the woman in me. Maybe this resonates with you, or maybe I’m just some crazy rambling commenter making inappropriately personal comments, but in any case, I so appreciate your eloquent reflections on your journey. Tonight and at many times in the past, they’ve helped me understand my own. So, thank you.
When do you move?
I love Michigan. I love Michigan. I love Michigan. I love Michigan. I love Michigan. I love Michigan. I love Michigan.
I debated on watching the video since i didnt really want to see what it was. Of course curiosity got the better of me. I said ‘oh my god’ right when you did too and i whispered behind my hands because i was waiting to cover my eyes. lol. now i keep seeing those little leg things coming out of everywhere in my house!
Take it from someone who lived (only long enough to escape the lease without penalties)in a roach-infested apartment… Call again. make them exterminate again. Make them exterminate neighboring apartment units. Those little buggers are smart– they’ll just go next door to survive until the exterminating wears off. More than likely, you have them because of neighbors anyway.
Maybe the video needed a Hitchcock-like soundtrack?
When my office moved into a new building a few years ago, the area was still quite a big construction zone. At the end of the first week, I was going into the stairwell when I saw a rat stuck to a sticky trap — on the SIXTH floor! The thing had a blood-curdling screech. We put a garbage can upside down over the thing so we wouldn’t have to see it (and the darkness seemed to quiet the thing down. The pest control contractor who showed up seemed to be much more into removing bugs than rodents. The good news is that if there had been any environmental contamination in the area, it sure didn’t kill any rats!
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
Remember this if you ever work in a new office building.
You guys need to get your own house as soon as possible.
Seriously, I dreamt about this creature last night. It wasn’t good.
Oh my God that is absolutely horrible. I watched the video (big mistake) and now I feel those gross little legs crawling over me. Fish, you need to move.
That definitely just took my breath away with the girliest “ewwwwwwww” noise I could possibly make….
When I was younger we used to get this weird infestation of ladybugs every Spring, they would climb all over the walls. Not as gross as the Vent Monster of Dallas! But I used to suck them up with the central vacuum hose, my dad would always tease me that all the ladybugs would still be alive, in the Vacuum Container in the basement. I would always just picture this humongous watermelon sized “Queen” ladybug living down there….
What are you going to do??? That goes beyond flypaper…!!
Oh do I feel your pain. In NC we not only get the giant cockroach like things that appears to be in your fan, we also get gigantic spiders. I never had to face a cockroach where I grew up. So when I got my first house and roomie in NC we had a great deal, I took care of spiders, she took care of cockroaches. She now lives in Dallas and said they are even bigger there.
There is nothing like taking a shower and shampooing your hair to open your eyes and see one of those guys hanging out on your shower rack. I about killed myself running out of the shower soaking wet and busting it on the hardwood floors near the stairs.
Luckily, I now live with a big strong brave man who kills everything for me and disposes of them without me having to know about it. Unless of course, I’m the lucky one to find them.
You posted a beautiful, heartwrenching storying about a breakup not so so long ago (though it likely seems much much longer ago to you). It was with an older man who didn’t want a family. You’re Richard. It was a favorite.
*Your Richard.
Oh my… I don’t know how you managed to stay there for so long and videotape that abomination. I tore a calf muscle trying to run from the “THING” that was on my bathroom ceiling.
Seriously.
What the F is that?
omg! ewwwwwwww! I moved to Minnesota, I thought I was away from all the really big horrible bugs, okay the ladybugs (asian beetles) will bite you and the mosquitos are bad.. but I had to be rescued from a giant beetle over 2 inches long while I was at work… I had to call security since of course when the humongous bug and I ran into each other there was nobody within screaming distance…I know because nobody came to see what happened… I am not usually really the “girly” type, so when they got the call they found it pretty comical and asked if I’d like someone to come over with a gun to shoot it… I had to think about it… but I’d trapped it in a box in my store room… and only the thought that if they missed it would be free again made me say uh no. my friend Travis ended coming to the rescue … there is no way I’d have been able to be so calm as to get a picture… although he did look it up and have a picture hung in my office for me for the next morning…
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