and in the light of day

the proof is in the fire
get touched before it moves away

Today is a good day.

The sun is out, my bedroom windows spilling afternoon light onto the stripped bed. I’m doing laundry. The Dixie Chicks are on in the kitchen, along with a kettle for tea. My fever is down.

I’ve read and reread last night’s delirious entry, tempted to delete it, lest we all really start to worry about my state of mind. But I’m going to leave it.

I’ve realized that nighttime is a funny thing. Apprehensions, like shadows, seem to loom larger when the sun sets. And then shadows melt together and pool into darkness and you can really almost get lost in it, if you’re not careful. But I’m starting to appreciate that for what it is — downtime for defense systems. Like a few glasses of wine, nighttime can produce honest moments, real conversations (with yourself and others) and a bit of mania. It all keeps us human.

Nighttime is hard for me. I’ve been having too many dreams lately, which, when I wake up, keep me from wanting to go back to sleep. There’s one that’s on the repeat cycle. My father sending his children letters explaining his suicide. I hate that one. I wake up wondering if I should call him, to make sure it was just a nightmare. Sometimes I call, and we chat. Sometimes, it’s too late to talk. There are also dreams about events of no consequence, names that mean nothing, faces you can’t place, but that keep you up just the same, in the loneliest of the twenty-four hours.

Anyway, I have decided it’s time to focus and decompress (working under the assumption that the two can be done at the same time). I figure that right now, I need several things. One being to see my family. Another being to stop being so focused on myself. And another to set a goal. I need something to work on, to get up in the morning for, if you will. This coasting along business has gone on long enough. And when I straighten out how to go all about this, I’ll let you know.

But in the meantime… well, it is what it is, my friends. Kettle’s whistling, and I’ve got a movie date to get ready for.