It’s 9:04 PM and I have just finished work for the day.
It’s been like this all week. I blink sleep out of my eyes around six every morning, log in to work email (when the internet is being cooperative) and by 7:00, I’m on an uptown bus with my sack lunch and my first dose of caffeine. When I crawl home at the end of the day (sometime around the eight o’clock hour), I hit the shower and fantasize about dinner. Often something straight from the freezer to the microwave.
This is where it gets extra glamorous. A couple hours later, not remembering having sat down in the first place, I wake up drooling on myself, swaddled in my bathrobe on the living room couch.
She works hard for the money, I tell you.
When I was kid and I’d have one of those irrational crying fits, my parents would say, “Oh, she’s just tired.â€ù It used to absolutely infuriate me. No, I’m not tired! I’m experiencing legitimate, gut-wrenching drama and you need to recognize!
Tonight on the bus home, after a short and half-hearted workout, I leaned my head against the window and felt my eyes start to fill with tears. I inhaled deeply and brushed them away. “I’m just tired,â€ù I told myself. I may have I even said it out loud.
It felt necessary to recognize that I was not unhappy. I was just worn out. The truth is, I am remarkably happy. One night last week, as I zoned out in my post gym shower, I had a very conscious thought. Today was a good day.
I wear happiness like well-tailored clothing or a pair of new shoes. I want to show it off, take a spin in front of a three-way mirror, or prance around in it at a fancy party. Look at my new happiness! Doesn’t it make my pores look tiny? I want to revel in it. What I don’t want is to forget about it because I’m distracted by a few temporary frustrations. So, tonight after hanging up with my boss, having worked out one of two of the days residual issues, I said out loud to no one in particular, “Today was a good day.â€ù
That said, I give it another fifteen minutes before I’m sacked out on the couch drooling.
You’re making a difference–the toil will have its reward, and happiness is contagious. Be proud of yourself!
good work ain’t easy. not really supposed to be, i suppose. i’ve always worked in education. i feel like the one thing i can say is it helps me appreciate the liquor more.
not that i say that out loud when students are around…
usually
Ha! Brando, I always appreciate your insights.
Indicentally, I’ve quit drinking. Maybe a glass of wine every six weeks or so, but for the most part, I’ve cut it out. Wonder if that has anything to do with my coping abilities.
Pity your off cocktails, I’d say suit up in your happiness lass and come ’round for a pint or two of appreciation and admiration for a powerful great feel to the soul tha’ trio are.
Never though I’d reach the day when gym to shower to home to bed looked better than a cocktail. Now, like you, here I am. 10:00 p.m. MST and I can barely keep my eyes open to finish a thought. And it’s not even a school night.
It is so GREAT to hear that you are happy and enjoying your new life! That is so exciting and rewarding. Please don’t take this next part as a “critique” or “advice”, as I know you are obvviously completely and totally swamped with work. But when life is good, we hear less from you. It’s funny, I am the same way. When there are challenges/drama, I can talk and talk to no end. When things are good, it’s easy to just say “yep, things are great!” and smile, and gleefully go about our business! It would be great to know all the little things that are making you so happy!
Either way, even if it means we hear from you less, I hope you happiness continues and grows exponentially!!!!
Satisfication. Contentment. Happiness.
It’s a good thing.
Don’t feel bad Heather! We all need a good cry now in then, happy or not.
Exhaustion is one of those clouds that hover over the sunshine of happiness. I remember when I was young sitting home on a friday night and all I wanted was to be out with my friends. Last night I went out with my friends and all I wanted was my nice comfy bed. I’m sure you’ll feel better after a good nights sleep and a night out with the girls.
Truthfully, I consider any day that ends drooling and sacked out on the couch to be a ‘good day’.
Wow, it’s the first time I’ve ever read these, but I most related to this post. I’m only 19 years old and I can honestly say I’ve been depressed for 5 years. Mind you, I’ve gotten better, I am still a very unhappy person. How did this all start? My heart broke 5 years ago. Not by some stupid freshman crush..mind that that happened also. But my parents broke my heart. They both abandoned my feelings, and one even abandoned me… for my whole life. It, amoung much more in the story, killed me inside. The little girl that had entered that small town high school a semester ago, had grown up and died just after christmas. And she left me here to clean up the mess. So now here I am, hard and determined in college, and yet though I am two hours from from the woman who abused me emotionally, physically, and financially since I was around 9 years old. I find myself still in the hole digging, and damn it I want to stop! So after a harsh ending to 2005, 2006 started out with a fantastic resolution to a problem with my
sister, to which I told myself to fight and be determined to be happy and build myself back up. When something good happens I tell myself it was good, instead of dwelling on that bad stuff that happened. And, for the most part, it’s working. I think I need help, but honestly don’t think anyone could offer me what I need. I’ve been to professional help, and they left me just as broken as I came in. Which is why here I am here 5 years later picking up the peices of the young girl, who before the day her heart was ripped from her chest, was pretty happy. Apart from the cited heart break, there is the fact that I am 19 years old and have never had more then a handful of relationships that did not last more then a month, while friends around me are already in deep commitments and comming home with rings on their fingers. Even my sisters are married and beginning families, and they are only a few years older then me. My grandma had 7 kids, and only 1 is married, and 2 are divorced. That includes my mother who married
Hi there =)
I found your journal via our mutual friend, Gregg, and honestly, I love your writing. Its honest, witty, and with substance. I’ve stopped in a few times, and I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of linking your blog to my own. I know what that exhaustion feels like – I managed a jewelry store here in MA for a while. Unfortuantely, it wasn’t remotely as rewarding as teaching – and left me drained. I too quit the cocktails and beer, in the hopes of improving my “coping skills” – its been a pretty successful endeavor. best of luck…
sincerely,
janelle
once, and it lasted 2 unhappy years. So am I cursed? Hopefully not. But thats ok because today was a good day! ha ha. So my plan is to stay on track, build my life up, and hoprfully find a guy who doesn’t have his head stuck in immature mode and see how wonderful of a person I am. Because I am! So to start back to the beginning of this book.. I can relate to you in the need to realize that today was a good day. It’s 11:11 right now.. and nothing bad has happened yet.. sounds like a good day.
it’s for the childrens of the future! of course it was a good day
Re: September 2002,
I just don’t get it. How does one forget to rinse conditioner out of hair?
Please fill me in…..
All work and no play makes you a dull girl…well, what I am getting at is that from my experience, you are falling asleep maybe b/c you are bored, rather then tired. If all you are doing is waking up and going to work then coming home and doing it all over again, it tends to be boring–nothing to look forward to. Try doing something fun afterwork once in awhile (eg. cooking class,page thru a mag at Starbuck and people watch)…anything to break up the montony. I found it helps to do something I enjoy so my mind is not always on work!
Mmmmm….drooling…..
Welcome to my world, sweetie….
It gets better, though. Really. Sometimes you actually get through the exhaustion and cyclical insanity and have fun. Hang in there and get some sleep!!
“Look at my new happiness! Doesnât it make my pores look tiny?”
Here’s to your tiny pores…and to well-deserved couch drooling.
Very well written, Fish. Be cautious with your overt display of your happiness, though. Someone may try to strip it off of you when you’re looking the other way.
Dear Fish,
I have been reading your postings since you were featured in Modern Love and loved them all. I just started a new job last week, my first ever in the corporate world after working too hard in the thankless do-gooder land. I am so there with you, bed never looked so good and 6am never looked so scary as it does when you are on the train heading in to face those florescent lights. But the pores (which I noticed too) and the FANTASTIC wonderfulness of the weekend is so so worth it.
Thanks for keeping it real!
Thanks for the inspiration. I love the idea of acknowledging the good days. Definitely something I’d like to do, too. And as for happiness making pores look tinier, what effect do you think it has on cellulite?
hiyoybaby