flat leaver

March 9th, 2006

This weekend, I spent time recharging my batteries with a good friend from Boston. Elle was only in town for twenty-something hours, but we made the most of our time by eating things made mostly of chocolate or pasta and catching up on what we’ve missed in each other’s lives since we’d last gotten together.

“I’m a bad friend.” I said, after realizing I knew almost nothing that had happened over the last several months.

“No. You’re not.”

I shook my head and thought back to the time Justine stood up on the other side of the cubicle wall and accused me of being a ‘flat leaver.’

“I am not!”

The fact was, it was first time I’d ever heard the phrase and I had no idea what it meant. So in my ignorance and secret desire to be European, I assumed it had something to do with apartments. And who the hell was she to judge me and… my apartment?

Turns out, it meant that I was the kind of person who left my friends the moment I found something better.

“I am not!”

Justine then presented some hard evidence. She named names. Or a name, rather. I countered that I was just bad at multitasking, that I am easily distracted by shiny things, and that the friend in question was dangerously stupid and had to be unfriended for everyone’s health and safety. She reluctantly agreed. Fine, you are not a flat leaver.

(Good thing she didn’t bring up God. ‘Cause when I left the Almighty for a life of sin, well, I was guilty of flat-leaving for sure.)

So on Saturday afternoon, over multilayered chocolate desserts, I asked Elle if she felt I’d abandoned our friendship when I blitzed out of Boston and headed to New York.

“No. I don’t think that at all.”

I believed her. I was relieved and determined. So, with a mouthful of mousse, declared my resolve that I would be a better friend (which came out more like, beh-wah fwend because of the mousse). I would email! I would call! I would send real, in the mail birthday cards!

Because not only do I want my friends to feel valued, I have enough god damn complexes and neuroses, I really don’t need to tack on another one.

As a side note: I would never flat leave Justine, either. I ~~fear~~ love her too much.

brandon

March 9, 2006 at 2:28 AM

I’m more of a flat enabler, myself. As soon as I think my friends have found something better, I act like an ass until they are impelled to leave.

RzDrms

March 9, 2006 at 2:29 AM

methinks i might fear love her too!!!

This Fish

March 9, 2006 at 2:32 AM

Whatever, Brando. If we were friends, you’d have to do some hard impellin’ to get me to quit you. Unless I still got to be friends with your wife. Then, you know, sayonara.

PLD

March 9, 2006 at 2:45 AM

ooh, I’m the complete opposite. i hate losing contact w/ people and as a result have an email address book that’s out of control. And there are definitely some that I should have flat-left ages ago.

Maybe I can give you some of mine.

Stephanie

March 9, 2006 at 1:51 PM

Sometimes it’s easy to “forget” about the people who are always there for us when we need them. I’m sure it’s not intentional and I’m sure your friends know that.

March 9, 2006 at 2:15 PM

How much do you fear love me???

Serena

March 9, 2006 at 2:21 PM

I live in fear of this. I am such a bad friend to some of my other friends who aren’t in DC.

angierl

March 9, 2006 at 2:51 PM

You just need to join the worst friends club…we have a mckinney chapter. Our goal is to acknowledge the fact that if we dont speak for long periods of time it does not mean we are not still friends. Correspondence can pick up after any length of time with no hard feelings. Open your own chapter today! ha ha

Justine

March 9, 2006 at 4:19 PM

Now you made me feel all warm & fuzzy. I just love when people fear/love me. If I could find a man who had that combo for me, I would make him my gimp for life.

Heath, you know I love you to death. And I have to say, I totally adored Elle.

Oh, and as for the flat-left friend – it was definitely a good move on your part.

Gray

March 9, 2006 at 4:45 PM

Just gimme a reason to fear you, Whirly!

Tanya

March 9, 2006 at 6:38 PM

You know what I think. Ditcher!

March 9, 2006 at 7:51 PM

I am not a ditcher! You are just as busy as I am and you live in JERSEY!

kelli

March 9, 2006 at 10:30 PM

Um, Fish, any 2nd date details yet? We’re dying here!

Doll

March 9, 2006 at 10:49 PM

Heh. When you said “flat leaver” in my mind I read “flat lever” with a British pronunciation so I automatically pictured someone accusing you of being long flat shiny lever and was momentarily very confused. Which of course made the “I Am Not!” was all the more funny. Yeah, it’s been a long day at work…

Smitty

March 9, 2006 at 11:14 PM

I’m glad you clarified that term.

I thought it was a guy who breaks up with women whose breasts are too small.

natalie

March 10, 2006 at 12:08 AM

i am always on my own case about not calling a friend, inviting one over – making time in general. sometimes life is so busy and really, really, i don’t mean to push them out. and i don’t mean to say they aren’t priorities. it’s just that EVERYTHING is so demanding. and friends, true friends, are understanding.

i guess that’s why, eventually, we get together over chocolate and pasta. cause they understand and they’ll be there whenever we have the time.

Dan

March 10, 2006 at 12:21 AM

It’s always a good day when I can pick up another catch-phrase.

littelestsmurf

March 10, 2006 at 1:47 AM

It’s just taken me 2 months to read your entire back-catalogue of blog. I’ve sacraficed Uni work, the Boy and my work.

It’s been worth it though!

jennipah

March 10, 2006 at 6:00 AM

i used to be a social butterfly. i used to think i was making ample time for everybody, but it turned out i wasn’t putting aside good quality time for anybody. i made all my friends feel like i didn’t value them, which is just as bad as flat leaving.

whether you do it or not, if someone *feels* like you’re a flat leaver, that should matter to you if that person matters to you. i didn’t end up being a psych major like i wanted, but i still remember learning about validating feelings in A.P. psychology back in the day. (that sounds dorky, but whatever.) it’s good that you’re checking with people you care about. self analysis is key.

anyway, i’m rambling. it’s the wine. i’ve gotta say, though, i am glad that flat leaver doesn’t mean my man will leave me for my 34-As. (smitty, that comment cracked me up!)

March 10, 2006 at 4:14 PM

Hoboken is hardly Cape May. You live further out in the boonies than I do, Little Miss DITCHER!

Engel

March 10, 2006 at 5:33 PM

This is the most interesting post of yours that I’ve read. I am the exact opposite. I NEVER abandon my friends because I think it’s too hard to make connections in the world to let them fade.

I want to know more about what goes on inside people with the alternative approach, flat-leavers. Are people disposable, replaceable, that plentiful? Anyway, great post. I’d love to see you dig deeper into this topic.

March 10, 2006 at 6:03 PM

I don’t think it’s that she has abandoned her friends. I have learned that their are many types of people, whether it be friendships or romantic relationships, some that insist on being around each other 24/7 and then their are people like my parents who very rarely hang out together, but don’t feel the need to. When these types befriend each other, it is easy to mistake being busy for abandonment.

On one last note…the phone works both ways, don’t wait for your friend to call, give them a call or drop them an e-mail. Electronic cards (I like Hallmark.com) is a great way to stay intouch when you don’t have much time.

lawyerchik1

March 10, 2006 at 8:28 PM

I think I need more information from angierl about the mckinney chapter…..

anna

March 11, 2006 at 1:59 PM

I’ve found that I can tell who my real best friends are because the ones I don’t see or talk to or write to in months or years, but they’re always there anyway, and when we do see each other, the time apart doesn’t matter one bit. I think real friends can’t really be left.

Kat

March 12, 2006 at 6:23 PM

I was watching Dogma on Comedy Central this morning, and because I had read this post, I knew what Jay meant when he called Ben Affleck and Matt Damon flat leavers. Otherwise, I probably would have assumed your original definition–the one regarding apartments.

UKYankee

March 13, 2006 at 12:15 PM

Thanks for the definition of flat leaver…as one who is living in London I would have thought the same thing!

kerri

March 14, 2006 at 2:28 AM

I am quouting comment “Electronic cards (I like Hallmark.com) is a great way to stay intouch when you don’t have much time.”

That is such a neat idea, Stepahnie! Thanks!!!

Michael

March 14, 2006 at 7:12 PM

I tend to drift in and out of people’s lives because I have no life of my own. There’s no reason to call anyone when nothing ever happens. It would be fine if I could just listen to and comment on their lives, but they want input from me and there is none.

Also, I tend to think that anyone who doesn’t have time for me is progressing in life. They want to hang out with people who do stuff, not people who sit around.

On the other hand, friends now = friends forever – if the right phrase is spoken and the connection is reaffirmed, I am with that person as if I never left.

Bail

March 15, 2006 at 3:32 PM

Because I saw no one else comment on it, AND because someone else left a comment just yesterday…

Why did you leave God? The way you described it makes it sound like you just like to “sin.” Well, so do I, but I find it hard to leave someone who so generously forgives all of my stupidity even though he sees every moronic moment.

March 15, 2006 at 3:33 PM

Btw, hi, I’m Bail, and I love your blog.

Zenbaron

April 3, 2006 at 8:02 PM

I’m originally from New York City where we as children had used frequently. I immediately knew from the title what a “Flat Leaver” was. Just to see the title posted out of whatever number of other posts made to this site, made me smile, and I had to say it aloud. While out of New York City, I once used the term as an adult to another friend under the same circumstances, and received the same response. “A What?”

baccarat

April 11, 2006 at 1:00 PM