“I’m Tim.”
I looked up from my text message only long enough to say hello.
“Hi, Tim.”
That was not enough attention for Tim, apparently, because the next thing I knew, he was gripping my bare arm with a cold, clammy hand.
“I think we need to go outside and have a talk and a block,” he slurred.
“We need to have a block? Is that secret code talk, Tim?â€ù
I shook his hand off my arm. He was clearly speaking drunk, and I didn’t have my pocket translator.
“A walk, I said. We need to take a walk.â€ù
He grabbed my arm again, this time more tightly, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I mean, I read the news. I know what happens when nice girls, not wanting to hurt any feelings, let Tims take them on blocks or walks or whatever they’re calling the countdown to rape and murder these days.
Fortunately, it turns out I’m not really all that nice.
I jerked my arm away again and kicked the shin to my right. I hadn’t really known the guy attached to the shin for more than a few minutes, but I had no other options. Not a single one of my friends was in sight.
“Save me,â€ù I said, not caring if my hanger-on overheard.
I don’t remember what we talked about, only that Tim backed off. Sure, sure. You have shit going on. I see. I was relived when he vacated the chair next to me, but while the brush-off may have worked temporarily, Tim could be seen hovering at the perimeter of our group for the rest of the evening.
Now, I’m seriously wondering about those couples who say they met in a bar one night. They’ve got to be pulling my leg. How do you decipher the norms from the scaries in a bar full of strangers — let alone decide to date one? From my experience, the Tim factor is just way too high.
It’s like internet dating, without the luxury of Google.
I was weary of those couples too. Until in a bar one night I met the man who last year became my husband.
There’s a twist though: It was a karaoke bar.
It was pretty easy for me to place him in the ‘norm’ category. I don’t imagine there are too many ‘scaries’ who will sing Copacabana in a crowded bar.
why were you in a bar? there’s only 2 reasons to be in one.
A birthday party. Was that one of your two reasons, smart ass?
Go, girl!
Ugh, how scary, though.
The bad pickup stories always start out with something like “I thought he was weird” or “I gave him a chance even though…” You followed your gut instinct and the time and life you saved are definitely your own.
I met my guy on one of those voice chat lines. Weird, I know, but that’s been 10 years ago as of last Valentines Day and we are very happy. I spent a lot of time talking to him before we ever met and it was two years getting to know each other before we took the plunge.
Patience and caution are the key. Don’t ever let anything be too big or small to walk away. Anything else is putting yourself at too big a risk.
I was at a bar for a B-day party back in ’98 and met a Tim. I asked a guy, at a table full of guys to put his arm around me and pretend like he knew me…to ward off Tim. They did better than that and escorted Tim to the nearest exit. I ended up marrying my rescuer a year later. Then we separated and divorced five years after that. Then we reconciled right after the divorce was final. Hmmmm…maybe I should have given Tim a chance? Nah, seriously, we’ve never been happier.
Good for you for following your gut Fish!
Having made wrong choices with various Tims, my mother always advised me that it’s a myth that you have to be nice to everyone. If someone gives you the creeps, get rid of them. If it happens to be in an unsafe place, or there is no one else around, RUN! Even if it seems like people will think you are weird or he will be offended.
I respect your actions. Sure, sometimes those guys who came off weird at first later turned out to be great, but I am guessing a lot of rapists and murderers were given a “chance”. Better safe than sorry.
I hope you haven’t forgotten that we’re still waiting to hear hopefully happier stories about date #2…
But in the meanwhile – run from any creeps!
I’m glad someone was near you to help you out. The beginning of your story gave me a pang of fear in my stomach too, I can only imagine the chills going through you. I am amazed when I hear stories of guys acting like that. It then makes sense that I can barely get a woman to make eye contact in a public place. You must be constantly aware and on guard against Tims. I hate Tims. They make the world more complicated and more difficult for neilpucks. But as they say, as unfortunate as the reality may be, better to be safe.
When people meet in bars I think it’s usually through mutual friends (at, say, birthday parties). As for creepy guy Tim, he was either a normal guy who got way too drunk and acted like a lunatic or, well, he really is a lunatic. Of all the things that could be said about such an unfortunate situation, probably the most obvious is that you’re not under any obligation to try to determine which it was.
i met mine in a bar on Halloween of all times and places. The scariest part was finding out that he lived in Philadelphia, which led to 2+ years of long-distance dating.
I met my boyfriend in a bar on Halloween as well. Very embarrasing, but when we had our first date I prayed to not have beer googles. I didn’t. We were inseperable from that first date and moved in 2 months later. 2 years later everything is still wonderful. My theory has always been, I’m normal and in a bar, therefore there has to be some guy whose the same.
So proud of your badass reaction! I only hope I’d keep my head about me in the same situation.
Not to demonstrate a lack of a sense of humour, and maybe I missed a joke, but I’m a little disturbed by that brenton guy’s response … it seems like those assumptions are what make some men act like all women are fair game for harrassment, almost as if they’ve “asked” for it by just being in a public place. Sigh.
I’ve never been a fan of the bar meeting, but a close friend of mine met her husband at a bar in a totally random experience. So sometimes you’ve just gotta kick a guy in the shin, but sometimes you get a happy ending.
I am constantly fearfull that I will meet a complete psycho…or that he will be completely normal and then turn psychoatic years later. creepy!
I have had two relationships start in bars, no, wait three… no hang on, I think it’s seven. Jeeze… I don’t think I can ever visit your blog again, it’s like some hideous reality mirror that proves I’m that awful bar-skank I swore I’d never be… I am very discerning. *leaves* *erases tool bar history*
BiBi x
Ditto, Lauren. Either I have no idea what that’s supposed to even MEAN, or I do and I’m appalled.
Hear hear Fish and Lauren. I keep hearing talk radio/news commentators blaming that poor girl (Ivette?) who was raped and killed after a night out in Soho. They’ve said (paraphrasing) “What’s a young girl doing out alone at night at a bar?”
Not trying to get raped and killed, I imagine.
That’s scary. My wife has a problem of attracting the drunkest most jack ass man in the bar. She could be in another room and they would find her, it’s like mosquittos and zap lites. And this is when I’m with her, and believe me, she’s not asking for it, but these little 23 and 24 year old d-bags completely accost her. It’s not a problem for me to deal with, but I just wonder, what is going on with these younger dudes now a days? I’m only thrity, but there seems to be a time that if you took the liberty of laying your hands a girl, in a way she didn’t like, you got your ass beat, and not necessarily by the boyfriend. Sorry Fish, I know you don’t condone violence and I’m generalizing, but I just think what happened to you is beyond wrong.
Wow Fish, I’m so glad you were able to ward Tim off. A girlfriend & I went out just this past weekend to a local karaoke bar (which I often frequent & is usually somewhat normal) and it was just full of creepies. luckily a male friend of ours was there and had to save us NUMEROUS times before we bolted as one after one more “Tim’s” made their way over to us or leered in our general direction. Thank god for our friend…
Heather that is so scary. Street smarts is something that is a necessity these days.
i think that you can meet nice people in a bar, you just have to be smart about it. Just because you are in a bar doesn’t mean that you are there to meet random guys to go home with. I think above all, having an open mind, regardless of the situation is the best way to meet people.
Just came over from Tanya’s blog. Ugh, I’m sorry that happened to you, and the story of that woman is horrifying. Stand your ground, Fish.
oddly enough, my husband saved me from a tim the night we met. in a bar.
Sadly there are just so many ‘tims’ out there. how frickin’ freaky that he hung around not too far away for the rest of the night. Like get a clue dude!
The birthday girl even asked at one point, “Who did he come with?” Because he kept infiltrating the group. So weird. And creepy.
I actually met my fiance in a bar, and he is in fact normal. Maybe the difference is that he and his friends didn’t come over to hit on us, they were actually asking if we knew of a salsa club near by, and they ended up staying and chatting with us.
I’d say it’s a safe bet that most couples who meet in bars don’t meet drunk guys with opening lines of asking them to go outside. You did exactly the right thing, and the rescuer did exactly the right thing.
Of course, if the rescuer had been a Tim in sheep’s clothing, you’d have been SOL, but … that’s a story for another day.
(You can tell that my mother taught me to never talk to strangers. At 42, it’s still difficult….)
ooooo!!!!!
Scary!
You can meet people in bars, but you have to use your intuition–just like you did to know that clammy hand boy was bad news and shin guy was ok…
Hello Fish. I think a lot of us women have had that experience. It’s horrible. What WOULD we do without google? Using common sense, street smarts and your intuition are key things to take with you to a bar. One never knows though. I do think you can meet nice people anywhere, however certain venues attract not so desirable people. I am glad you are safe. P.S. I sent you an email at the end of last week. Not sure if you got it. I was happy to find your blog. My husband pointed me over here funny enough! Take Care.
Way to be reactive Fish! Being a single girl in a bar (or even hitched girl i.e. Mike’s comment) means needing good defensive skills – being nice doesn’t always pay off.
Its like you read my mind in this post! I met a guy named Tim on Saturday. Having had my share of warding off creeps & skeptical about the couples-who-met-in-a-bar thing, I made it a habit to NEVER give out my number at the bar. Not always the best at following my own rules, Tim got my digits. The hope in this story is I initiated the conversation with HIM, which led to us ending up at the same party together. After countless beers we “exchanged” numbers – not having full function of my motor skills at the time, I didn’t store his number properly in my cell. He hasn’t called yet. And doesn’t know I can’t call him. After your story, I’m thinking this might just be a good thing!
So here’s to hoping that (if he does call) my instincts were right too, and he turns out to be NormalGuyTim instead of SuperCreepyGuyTim that I broke my habit for.
Wow that is pretty scary. I guess it is hard to tell who the normal guys out there are, but one thing that I like to do is just look for the guy that looks like someone my mom would think was okay looking and that is usually safe!!!
Fish, next time aim higher than the shin.
I understand and I don’t mean to be a big pooper… but it’s not fair to guys named Tim to have everyone to use their name like a derogatory term, just because one guy named Tim was a creep.
Man, my cultural images class is getting to me.
Kudos for following your instincts. Too bad many people don’t, and I wind up teaching their children.
See, all my married friends wonder why I am still single and you have answered them so clearly. When I am out most of the guys there are like Tim. I’d rather be single, thanks anyway! ;o)
Fish, Good for you! Don’t let someone put you in a situation where bad things can happen. *cheers*
(By the way, LOVE the blog… Keep it up
i’m 33 & single. There are alot of Tim’s out there. I go out to have fun, flirt, talk & hang with my friends. I don’t leave without the people I go out with. I don’t rely on my friends who are with someone to introduce me to someone. I am always their only single friend & they only know couples anyways. SO I just live my well rounded life & hope someday I do find that person but I don’t think it will be in a bar.
Fish: You did the right thing. And I’d love to tell off and metaphysically punch (is that the correct word teacher ;^) ?) all those people saying “what was Imette doing in a bar at 4 am?” What, they were never young and foolish? I hate that. But I love your blog!
The guy from the Abrams show (who I really like for some reason I can’t figure out) on MSNBC has been a staunch defender of Imette’s behavior that night.
I just wanted to say that I thought you were in your apartment building at the time and that the story was going to turn out much, much better (that he would turn out to be a humble, cute neighbor of yours, apologize profusely and you would take that walk and it would turn out to just be a lovely little episode). Seeing as how it *did* turn out, I’m glad it didn’t happen in your building, where you might have been alone.
It’s great how you create these touchstones where everyone can weigh in because they’ve had similar experiences. I guess that’s the talent of a great writer.
I always worry that I’ll be seen as a Tim because I look at girls but am never confident enough to approach them. So I come off like a stalker.
Yes, you can meet a decent, wonderful guy in a bar. I met my now husband in a bar almost 10 years ago, we have been married for almost 2 years. The best advice – trust your instinct.
I always take a guy friend with me to bars. If someone is bothering me or creeping me out – guy friend steps in and says “Hi, Im Design Diva’s boyfriend…and you are?”
We have a deal though – if a not-so-creepy guy is scoping me out, and I’m interested…guy friend is instructed to go hit on another girl immediately in plain site of not-so-creepy guy. Thus showing I am not “with” guy friend.
I’m such a sceamer!
I’m glad she didn’t “aim higher” than the shin. All I know is I was used.
I know people who met in a bar and started dating, but I must confess I’ve never met anyone who had a lasting relationship that started in a bar (by “lasting” I mean more than 2 dates). 2coast, I think you must have been pretty lucky.
i am obsessed with shamelessly googling everyone i know and ever have known. i didn’t meet my husband in a bar, though. i have never been to a “bar” bar. i was underage when i got married….`
I met a guy in a bar – a regular place I go to. He was a friend of a friend of my friend. He was agreat guy. Didn’t drink, was nice, charming, cute, responsible, smart, etc. We dated, we got engaged, we moved in together. He turned into a control freak. I left him. Then I found out he was a convicted felon. For rape. With a 14 yr old girl. So much for the nice guys.
ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS follow your gut!
Oh, and now I always run a background check on anyone I’m thinking about dating… Won’t make that mistake again!
Whoa. Background checks? Does he have to pee in a cup?
Fisch, you weren’t USED so much as leveraged. Feel better?
To turn things around, I’m a guy who met a woman in a bar. We dated for more than a year and might have married, but much of the time it was a long-distance relationship. I know some people make them work–we couldn’t. So you CAN meet nice guys (and girls) in bars. But DO follow your gut. Always.
i’ve never had any success with men i’ve met in bars–either met up with as planned, or met by happenstance. come to think of it, i’ve never had any success with men named tim, either.
good instincts, girl. the gut knows.
Amy, read the comments again. There are at least 7 other people who wrote about meeting their SO’s in bars. It can happen. I repeat, though, always go with your gut instinct
how do you tell the norms from the scaries? Eh, who needs either one in a bar where your girls aren’t with you?
I guess I’m a bit negative, but you’re still alive, and I’m still seeing the face of my girlfriend, the one whose funeral i attended not two weeks ago, all over the news every time I turn. would you rather be alive or run the risk between finding a soulmate or a murderer? I used to be okay with that risk,- who wouldn’t be, we’re young and free- but not anymore. I hear ya, Fish.
peace
TwennyTwo
You are very smart. The following was posted on NOLA.COM yesterday:
HAMMOND — Tangipahoa Parish Sheriffâs detectives arrested a 27-year-old Ponchatoula man Thursday night and charged him with kidnapping and rape after the victim told police she was tied down to the floor by bolts and sexually assaulted by candlelight.
According to police spokesman Chuck Reed, the incident occurred Sunday, March 12. The victim, an unnamed 25-year-old woman, told detectives she met the suspect, Timothy Greer, while at a Hammond-area bar with friends the night before. Greer gave the victim his telephone number, which she called Sunday.
Detectives reported that Greer picked up the woman at her house and eventually brought her to an unoccupied house that he said he was considering to buy. When they arrived at the house, the suspect allegedly removed a folding-blade knife and forced the victim inside.
Greer than allegedly tied the woman down using clothesline-type
Oh, and I met my husband in a bar in 1992. We married in 1995 and are still going strong.
Note that the guy in the story Vee references was named Timothy.
Sorry, Tims of the world. I know you’re not all psychos.
wheres my fish?
Oh yep…..follow any gut instinct you ever have….I ignored my first senses of a guy I met in a bar once….I remember thinking uhoh for some reason I couldnt put my finger on…..he turned out to be a narcisist to the worst degree…..wasted near two years………a lesson learned in listening to my intuition.
That had to be frightening. I’m sorry that it happened and sorry his name is “Tim”. Very happy you were in a place w/friends. Sucks it has to be that way to be safe.