After a few consecutive days of working at home, I walked into the office this morning and right away, noticed something was wrong. Very wrong.
“David!” I yelled, as my surprised coworker yanked the earbuds from his ears. “Are those… sweets on your desk?”
David is foreign and you have to speak British to him if you want the conversation to go smoothly. Thus, fruit-flavored Mentos are sweets and not candy.
“I, uh, well… Yes, they are,” he finally admitted.
“I turn my head for one second and look what happens!”
I marched over to my desk, threw my gym bag down in a dramatic fit, and then sank down, as though I were just plain exhausted. And then I went for the kill.
“Ohhhh, David.”
If you were even the little tiniest bit of a Coupling fan (BBC version) you’ll remember that when Geoff’s mother scolds him for… dirty deeds, she drones “Ohhh, Geoffrey!” in a tone that absolutely oozes with shame and disappointment. I called on that for inspiration. And I think I was pretty convincing. Now, before you start thinking I’m a horrible person, you should know that David asked me to do this. He said if I ever found him eating crisps, sweets or chocolate (see, there’s that British talk again. Soz! We’re in a bit of a Barney! I’m all apples and pears! Uh, huh, and Americans have ruined the language? Riiiight.) I was to stop him immediately and make him feel bad — very bad — for it.
And you know me. I’m no half-asser. If you ask me to make you feel bad about yourself, I am there for you one hundred percent!
David picked up the Mentos and toyed with the half-empty wrapper.
“Well, that went over well. You look properly shamed,” I said, grinning with an actress’s pride.
“Not shamed enough not to finish them,” he said. Then, as I stood there gawking, he defiantly popped one into his mouth.
Obviously, I’m going to have to work on my delivery.
I love Britishisms…. My next-door neighbor’s husband is British. He tried to trick me with a request for “Rumpole sauce” (which doesn’t exist – cf. Rumpole of the Bailey), and I didn’t bite.
You have to cut him some slack. Being from England, he probably had to eat boiled wood or some other bland crap. Sugar for him is probably like having a crackhouse in his mouth.
Ha! I just watched that episode again last night!!
You made me think of a song and now I can’t get it out of my head. Darn you!
So… Who remembers this from our high school days? Now sing with me!
It doesn’t matter what comes, fresh goes better in life, and Mentos is fresh and full of life.
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool, with Mentos, fresh and full of life.
Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness, fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!
Mentos, the freshmaker!
the bbc version of coupling was great! brilliant in fact! the american version sucked.
I love coupling and I saw that episode this weekend.
That gives more relevance to the phrase “it(he)’s gone pear-shaped”! In this case, it’s literal. heh.
“In a bit of a Barney”? Young lady, you need to study your English (of a British variety) more thoroughly – that doesn’t make sense at all. Keep smiling; pip pip; mustn’t grumble!
–LI
Next time, just pick up the packet and eject the remaining sweets straight into your own mouth. You might need to do an extra ten minutes at the gym for it but I’m thinking David’s reaction will be well worth it.
From what I understand, barney can mean either argument or trouble. You can most certian get into a bit of an argument, and removing the article “a” you can be in a bit of trouble.
Bsides, who cares if it makes sense? None of that *actually* makes sense at all.
i love coupling (definitely the british version)!!
Coupling is flat out the best singles sitcom I’ve ever watched… I borrowed the DVD set from a girlfriend a YEAR ago and still haven’t given it back…
It still turns me inside out to watch them…
Brilliant, I say!!
My boyfriend is British—my favorite from him came one night when he was squirming on the couch and I asked him what was wrong and he replied “I got my bullocks twisted up in my knickers”
Oy Mike: The Brits love to “pop out for a curry” Long gone are the days of bland. Nigella Rules the land!
I love all things Brit. Oh good old Fawlty Towers….
Hey Mike…we actually have quite tasty food over here (seeing that currys are the national dish at this time).
Just threaten to call his mum…most English men seem to have a natural fear of them. Though I have to say you did quite well with the ‘Oh…David’…that usually does work…but you have to couple it with a look of utter dispair too along with the shaking of the head.
And yes, I’ve heard the statement “A bit of a Barney” so you’re not off.
Like your impression of an english accent online, and for your info we speak the queens english, which seems to mean that we’re either all a) cockney or b) evil characters in hollywood films…;0)
go figure!
Ahhhh, the Brits really love their cockney rhyming, even though a lot of Brits aren’t really capable of it anymore. It is said, that it originated in the Market so that the vendors could communicate with each other without customers knowing what they were saying.
“I’m all apples and pears” ??? I’m not so good at cockney rhyming either. But I do know that “Apples and Pears” refers to stairs, and “Barney” refers to Barney Rubble, which rhymes with Trouble, so it’s not nonsensical at all, unless you are an unseasoned cockney rhymer. :p
I just came over to the UK last year, so imagine my shock when french fries are chips, potato chips are crisps, dinner is lunch, desserts are puddings, curry murry.
So now I’m a confused bundle of American and British slangs…
Hmmm. I’ll never get them all!
I’m from somewhere along the Texas/Oklahoma border, and dinner has always been interchangeable with lunch. Supper is ALWAYS the evening meal, though. And my dad will correct you every time.
My ex-husband is British & I had a very close friendship w/his mum before she passed. I love it all still, as I spent so many years immersed in it.
Tell him you’ll box his ears if he does that again. lol
He wanted a spankin’ I reckon!
UKYankee, you do have good food, as I experienced on my first trip this past summer. It’s a running joke by an a-hole American
You put the banger in my mash.
Hi Heather. Love your blog. A writer myself, I’d like to expand a column that I contribute to a Los Angeles area newspaper into a blog. However, aside from the basics of constructing the web blog, I’m not sure how to introduce it to readers. If you have a moment, I would be interested to hear how you developed a readership for “This Fish” and was able to incorporate it into the iVillage website. Thanks.
G – are you quoting arrested development?
Every time I’m in London I experience the same language frustration…We are both speaking ENGLISH, we SHOULD be able to understand each other!
Mentos? What’s so wrong with Mentos? You just haven’t seen David have a bad day yet.
Oddly enough, having seen that episode of Coupling (I confess, I have it on DVD), I was already thinking of Geoffrey’s mother’s exact tone when I read, “Ohhh, David.” I’m thrilled to find that you’re a fan, as well.
Why can’t he be addicted to SweetTarts like a normal human being?
I know what you mean… sometimes I just go to Google’s Blog area and search on “Bollocks.” It totally turns up the most wonderfull colloquial posters!
Brooke Alexandra – imagine being an American who is now LIVING and WORKING in London – it’s taking some getting used to and my Londoner fiance loves taking the mickey (making fun of me) because I mix up US and UK words all the time. It is all English…it just went in two different directions between the two countries. But it is a bit of fun I must say!
The Brits have adopted curry b/c their food is awful! Who eats pork n beans with eggs? That is just wrong.
Don’t even get me started on their road signs and maps.
Be glad he’s not Australian, you’d have to call them lollies. To my ear a lollie sounds like something only a paid professional would put in their mouth.
My British BF is always complaining about the way we Yanks speak, but I only have to put on my best Cockney accent, “Oy fink dere’s summink wrong widdat, innit?” a la his very own mum, and that shuts him up.
And while living in London, I met a woman whose friend refused to move to the US because she didn’t want her children to grow up not saying their “t”s. Because we say “budder” and “wadder.” I said, whatever, you don’t say your “r”s. What’s the difference? Really.
Oh, I love this post for two reasons!
1. I became an avid Coupling fan when I discovered my roommate had them on DVD and went through five seasons in a matter of days.
2. One of my favorite moments of miscommunication involved English while backpacking in Europe. When I mentioned to my best friend, in front of a lovely Englishman, that since it was summer I hadn’t packed any “pants”, the look on his face was a priceless blend of horror and intrigue. We had quite a laugh when I explained that I wasn’t refering to my knickers. (Now, how did “quite” magically worm it’s way into that story just because I was talking about England…it’s contagious!)
H,
I know this is beyond your control, but what’s with the half naked girls on your right-side ad panel? Are you going soft-core? Is it Heather, Ms. Hunter if you’re nasty? I’m not complaining, but This Fish is now with 85% percent more leg and mid drift.
(From This Fish: Mike, I wish I could tell you. I freaking HATE half the ads that end up on my blog, and I’m actually personally offended by the diet pill ones. I don’t think they send the right message to women at all. But naked chicks, that I don’t mind.)
That’s fabulous…please come bust me as I dig into the potato chips!!!
I love British Road signs
Humps for 30 yards. I had a blast with that one.
It’s not so hard understanding British English (perhaps it’s easier for Canadians?)….then again, when they speak fast, you’re in trouble sometimes…
Ah “sweets.”
Also, “biscuits” which are totally different things here in America – something I had to get used to because for a while, I kept thinking that KFC served chicken with cookies!
To clear Barney up – You “have a Barney” you don’t get “in a bit of a Barney”
Not that it matters!