We had just come home from Doc Watson’s, and tumbled into bed, tipsy and half-frozen from the ten block walk. From the bedroom, I could see the glow of Angie’s cell phone as she and her fella texted back and forth about their wild and crazy nights. She was on her first weekend trip to the Big Apple and he was out with the guys. There were things to say. Then, as it’s wont to do, texting turned to teasing and the glowing came to a sudden halt.
“Uh oh,” came the voice from the living room sofa.
“What?”
“I think I made him mad. He’s not answering.”
“Pfft!,” I said, kneading my pillow into a mound of feathers. “Boys. So sensitive*.”
Radio silence continued for some time until Angie, unnerved by it all, sent another message, apologizing if her sass had been tooâ€_ sassy. A few seconds later, the living room lit up in a blue glow.
Calm down. I’m not mad, I’m playing darts.
And there you have it. Have what, you ask? The difference between men and women summed up in six simple words. I’m not mad, I’m playing darts. You’re agonizing over what you’ve just said on the phone and he’sâ€_ playing darts. You’re worrying that his sudden ‘distance’ means your relationship is headed for certain disaster and he’sâ€_ playing darts. The subtext and the unsaid loom up before you, and you find yourself binge eating Chubby Hubby and crying to your best girlfriends and he’sâ€_ playing darts.
You see?
Obviously I’m not one of those women who think men are simple beasts without a deliberate thought in their Cro-Magnon heads. I simply refuse to believe that they spend nearly as much time deconstructing (if they did, when would they ever find time for darts?).
Of course, there are always exceptions.
I have a guy friend (we’ll call himâ€_ um, Josh) who could find meaning in a pile of mashed potatoes – without having ever been abducted by aliens. He’s just intuitive. Which, frankly, is just a fancy way of saying he’s full of crap and hot air. Simultaneously. And I say this very lovingly.
This week, I found myself on the wrong end of some drawn-out radio silence. Confused (because, really, who doesn’t want to talk to me? I am FUNNY!), I flipped through my Encyclopedia of Reasons Boys Do Things, and scoured the section on Communication Strategies (a whole chapter of one-word sentences. Go figure.) Then Biscuit, in his testosterony wisdom, suggested that, perhaps I was reacting to a situation I had no information on, and like a glowing cell phone in the darkness, those six beautiful words came back to me.
I’m not mad, I’m playing darts.
So back to the shelf went the book (between my well-worn copies of A Cat Lover’s Guide to Spinsterhood and Curious George Goes Courting), and life resumed normalcy. Or, rather, an improved version of normalcy. You can’t imagine how much free time I have now that I’ve given up all that over-thinking. I just may take up a hobby.
* On the subject of boys being unpredictably sensitive: I am reminded of something Ari once said. “I hate how easily scared and freaked out the “stronger” sex gets all the time. Our generation could never have defeated Hitler.â€ù Unless it was at a game of darts, of course.
Brilliant! The best one word “boy text” answers. “yup” “good” and “small” HEE
Haha…I love it! The next time I am wondering cluelessly about a guy, I’ll be reminded that he may be “just playing darts”.
Good post, I’ll have one of the female admins explain it to me after the office arm-wrestling competition.
A chat quote from a friend of mine when I was online, but I had fallen asleep: “This is like the cell phone commercial where the signal get dropped, so the guy thinks he’s said something awful to account for the silence.” See? Girls do it too.
Excellent post! I am laughing so hard, I might soon get in trouble here at the office…(hard to explain how translating long genetic documents into spanish could be this funny)
But really, “INTUITIVE=full of crap and hot air, simultaneously”…..toooo funny.
an explanation would take way too long, but my group of friends used to discuss the meyers-briggs temperament test – most of us are NFs (iNtuitive Feelers) and you have just neatly wrapped up in one post the problem: over-thinking, and the solution: remember-just playing darts.
You’re a genius, dahling!
Currently devoting HUGE amounts of time I could be studying for grad school exams … to de-constructing some beautiful guy’s behavior.
After reading this… I am so done and headed back to my books where my head should have been in the first place.
Thank you:)
You are so right.
I just read “He’s Just Not That Into You,” and I think you’re post today is kind of a corollary to that book. I think the bottom line is that women need to stop overthinking everything and trying to scrounge for meaning. If a guy is into you, he will show it. If he’s not texting you back immediately, there is no need to jump off the deep end b/c (a) he could be playing darts and/or (b) if he’s not texting you back, he’s probably not that into you, and you don’t need him anyway….
Although it’s fine not to overthink the meaning of someone not texting you back right away, a guy who “plays darts” too often – and makes you question his feelings for you – might not be a keeper.
So true. As girls, we definitely overthink and overanalyze!! But then again, we come from an instant gratification type of society.
OMG – awesome. I swear my roommate and her bf have a relationship that only exists via phone calls and texts, and you cannot imagine how many times i’ve heard her sobbing into the phone, “why didn’t you text me back?!?!?!” Honey – unlike you, he actually WORKS (or plays darts, whatever). I’m trying to avoid this pitfall thinking by having an agreement with my bf that we act on the assumption that all is well unless one of us says it’s not. So far, it’s working quite well and i’m retaining a grip on my sanity. Great post
My own ex-fella was a dart-playing type, but in my observations of other relationships, not all dudes are like that. The ones that don’t “play darts” tend to swing to the other extreme: clingy-ness. My roommate’s boyfriend is always asking me “is she going to break up with me?” when the roomie has just had a rough day. Is there no room in the middle of this spectrum???
I finished reading “he’s just not that into you” too and it was definitely eye opening. I loved it and you are so right about us overthinking everything. They definitely don’t do that! They hangout, drink beers, play cards, watch T.V. and think about sex a lot. hehe
Happens all the time! So often when we are driving and he’s been too quite for too long I ask him “what are you REALLY thinkin????!!” and the answer is ‘I think I’m gonna have a hotdog on the way’ or ‘The car needs an oil change’ or some such thing. And invariably, until then I’m always worrying about having upset him because i did not make a good impression on his boss that evening or by saying somwthing aweful or that his mother doesnt like me very much!!! I mean we girls are just ridiculous when it comes to this. We need to play darts a bit more often!!
So glad I read this. Soooo true and I really needed to be reminded right now. I have been agonizing over some stuff, over and over again in my head. And I don’t know how old most of you are but I’m over 50 and STILL doing it!
To all of you who just finished “He’s just not that into you” (which I agree works for some situations) Try the book that’s usually right next to it entitled “…Let’s be honest, you really weren’t into him either.” It’s hilarious!!
Awesome post by the way, I’m a relatively new addict to your site and I love it!
This post is so timely in my life. Must remind self: boys like darts…and stuff…
And check out “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken,” by the same guy and his wife. Reading it was like turning a switch in my mind after my last breakup…so liberating!
A Cat Lover’s Guide to Spinsterhood?
Where can I get a copy?
So true….we think way too much about these things.
Don’t bother, they eventually get back to you. I stopped altogether until I hear something.
i’m looking forward to reading, um, josh’s comment.
oh, and mike rocks. seriously. cracks my sh*t up every time he comments. too bad he’s all married and stuff.
I loved this posting. It is so incredibly true. Though truthfully, I am fairly envious at times that men don’t constantly break down and analyze. Also, if only the “Encyclopedia of Reasons Boys Do Things” truly existed, I think things would be much easier at times. After 5 years with my husband, there are still moments that I think, “what the heck does he mean???”
You nailed it pretty dead on. Do you know how many times when I’m emailing back and forth with a female friend while we’re both at work respectively, and then I get pulled aside by my client for some impromptu meeting for an hour, only to return to my Inbox with three more emails from her like this:
1. You still there?
2. It was only a joke. I hope you’re not mad.
3. I’m so sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. Call me please!!!
It KILLS me whenever I get something like this over email or text messaging. You’d think a brilliant girl who is smarter than me would realize that meetings do occur at work, or that Cingular really isn’t the network with the least dropped calls, or having the “all over” network. =)
You know the feeling you get when you crack open the fortune cookie and it’s so on target? That’s how I felt today when I read your post.
Thanks for the reminder to not drown in a glass of water.
Fish, you rock!
Mike, do you happen to have a brother?
Hi I dont know how I got here.
I posted this about this.
Cheers
ha ha nice post.. i agree 100 percent to this.. very true abt the male species
Amen sister!
Wow. I totally want this Encyclopedia of Reasons Boys Do Things.
That is so a true life version of this fictional (but funny and very truthful) story!
Totally able to relate to this. The one word that usually started my spiralling is ‘ok’. Now I just can’t be bothered! Wonderful post!
I can totally relate to this. Last time, I sent a long apology. He said, I am not mad! I just went to take a shower. He had told me earlier that he needed to jump in the shower soon. I felt so stupid.
I have a hard time with this, too.
To me, “Sorry Babe, I was busy yesterday” sounds like he’s blowing me off. But to him, it means he was hanging out with his neighbor at the bar down the street and was going to call me the next day.
It’s taking a while to get used to this, but on the other hand I do kind of enjoy having my freedom to hang out with my friends and not having to worry about 3 a.m. calls to pick my ex up at the bar.
I also love calling to tell him I am in town and he says the “You know where the key is. Let yourself in!” Now, I would have considered this lazy and inconsiderate from the ex. But with this one, it is such a good welcome home, mi casa es su casa feeling!
Ah….how you speak such truth!
EXACTLY what I’ve been going through with my boyfriend. Then I began to think logically and rationally (something that happens only rarely) and could see that he’s just him and that if he’s not texting back (ah, the text, just one more form of communication that can p*$$ off women) it might just mean that he’s uhm, driving, at work, or otherwise NOT ignoring me.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that not everyone else always has their phone on the desk next to them or the freedom to text back within the next 30 seconds, like I do.
And as they say – bullseye.
this was so perfect for me to read right now. i laughed out loud too, so thank you! though unfortunately i think i’m dealing with a guy who does the “playing darts” thing too often. but sometimes i so wish i could avoid my head getting into things, like guys seemingly can.
Here, Here!!! This is spot on. Men and women just don’t think the same way.
This is great!! I have also read He’s Just Not That Into You & this has nothing to do with that. I took this post to be just about male behavior that makes us thinks he’s just not that into you when….. he’s just playing darts. Relax ladies.
From This Fish: I coudl not agree more! He’s playing darts means, you shouldn’t take his behavior to mean disinterest or anything of the kind. He’s just… busy doing other stuff. He still likes ya.
I love this post! Great job, Fish! Girls, we need to sit back, have a beer and play some darts. Let the boys worry about why we haven’t responded for once.
I love it! I only hope that I can remember that and be able to calm my overactive mind down. But thanks, at least now I know I am not alone.
Just reading your archives (which are great, by the way) and would like to share what my sister and I repeat to each other on a regular basis:
‘Women think more about what men think than men actually think full stop.’
SOOO true. I love this post and want to link to you! Hope that’s OK!
I know this post is old and you probably won’t see this comment, but whatever, I’m commenting anyway. I have spent most of this week agonizing over the fact that I haven’t heard from a boy and then I remembered your “i’m playing darts” post. I googled it and, after reading it, I have to say, I feel much better. So thanks!