“I’m now accepting applications for a new fag hag.”
“Well, it just so happens, I’m wide open!” I said, twirling a straw in my mango margarita.
“You’re hired.”
And there we had it. Three days into my new living situation and I had established one of the most important relationships a girl can have. I had found my Dallas gay.
Though, I have to admit, fag hag is my least favorite term to express the connection between a girl and her gay. It feels like a swear word. For starters, the f word was always used in a derogatory way when I was growing up, so unless it’s coming out of the mouth of an actual, card-carrying gay man, it makes me shudder. And then there’s hag. I don’t want anything to do with that. I’ve got at least another ten years before I reach hag status, and even then, I’d prefer to be called crone, thank you very much. A homo crone? It has a nice ring to it.
Scott and I were spending Tuesday evening drinking fruity beer on the patio of a Dallas Bar. He caught me up on the high school gossip and I told him about my Home Depot misadventures.
“I came home with fifteen red paint swatches, and not a single one of them matches that damn couch.”
“Well, what you need to do,” he said, launching into a lesson on color, tone and shade.
“Oh my god,” I said, with reverence and awe. “I forgot! You went to Design School.”
He grinned and offered himself up for a weekend Home Depot adventure. I was one happy homo crone.
When I lived in Philly, my darling gay Roommate and his entourage referred to me as their little “fruit fly”. Still not great but better than hag or crone. Welcome back to Texas!
Oh OH I like Fruit Fly. Too cute
*sigh* jealousy…it is damn hard to find a (out of the closet) gay man in Utah. I guess being socially shunned makes them scared to admit it publically. The few that are gay and proud though are hot commodities heh
Off topic, but matching colors is damned difficult. Why not a contrasting/complementary color instead? I’m a big fan of white. In all its shades and variations.
I’m not a big fan of super-matchy-ness, but if you’re determined to have your walls be exactly the same color as your couch, you’d be better off taking one of the pillow covers with you to Home Depot. They can do a custom match pretty dang fast.
Not walls… just *a* wall, adjacent to the couch. To help break up the monotony of all the white.
That’s a good idea — thanks.
Isn’t a hag like a witch that comes out of the sea? Plus, “crone” rhymes with “scone” and scones are awesome. I like raspberry.
We may need Scott’s contact info, my wife is also paint color disabled and I cannot intelligently discuss to nuances of cupola yellow vs. beeswax.
Go you! But I must take umbrage with the “hag” remark. I’m ten years or so older than you, and I am NOT a hag. Really, I’m not.
One red wall? Most excellent, my dear.
Well, of COURSE you’re not a hag. I simply meant that hag potential doesn’t even BEGIN for a least ten years. I hope to never reach hag status, myself.
I understand….had a couple of perfectly good gay friends, then moved “north” into the great “gayless” frontier of Kansas and STILL managed to find my perfect gay compadre! It’s magical when that happens. He’s currently picking out paint colors for that perfect condo he found me! Yea.
I work with TONS of wonderful gay men being that I work in New York City. There are about 3 every square foot in the city. They should share their wealth and rent themselves out or something!
i am sooo jealous. i have opened myself up to being a fag hag, but nothing yet. dangit.
How about a nice eggplanty shade? That will create some drama and tension with your couch.
They have the gays in Dallas? Who knew?
If you don’t mind a color suggestion. I have almost the same couch in about the same exact color. I painted the wall behind it in “Atomic Vomit Green.” Yes, that’s the name of it and it’s absolutely beautiful. It’s a fresh lime green made by Nickolodeon. But if you’re not that bold, maybe pick the sage out of your pillows. If you paint an adjacent wall the same color as the couch, the couch will loose it’s punch, defeating the purpose of buying a fabulous red couch to begin with.
I am down with Fruit Fly too. It’s adorable.
I have a straight guy friend that I treat like a gay guy friend but I think it is only because he has a girlfriend. And if he didn’t, I might not treat him that way. Damn! Heterosexual guy-girl relationships can be so complicated. I’m on the look out for a big gay man of my own.
I wonder is there’s any male-equivalent term, in other words a term for a straight man who’s friends with lesbians?
With my gays, I’m either their fruit fly or flame dame.
I thought I was a homo crone once, and then found out my gay hairdresser wasn’t into men; he was into me. Ouch!! It changed our relationship drastically. Well, that, and my boyfriend-of-the-time got to say “I told you so” so many times I had to ix-nay that relationship too. Hmmph.
I am spread too thin here as a hag. I realize this when I have dinner parties and I am the only girl in the room. Patti, if you were in Atlanta I’d be inviting you over to share the wealth.
Flame dame! I love it!!
Someone should put homo crone on Urban Dictionary
I love that color red! My furnishings are in the same color theme. This might be over the top, but a golden color might set the couch off nicely, and pick up the accents in the pillows. And I second the sage green, also a very nice combo with the red couch. But I feel your color-matching pain–I’ve been trying to find a rug that matches my decor AND my orange-brown tile floor.
I have three gay guys I’m totally going to miss when I move next month… too bad Atlanta is the capital of the Down Low brothas. Not much chance of being a fruit fly or flame dame down there
have you never seen Whose Wedding is it Anyways??? Dallas seems to have some FABULOUS gays……
Gawd, Heather you have everything! First the red couch and now you have your own gay guy?
I love gay men friends! I learned how to swing dance with one, and the other I’ve known since we were in elementary…it’s been great growing up together. *Sigh* Thanks, Fish. I’m gonna give ‘em a call and do some catching up =)
in response to Liz’s post regarding complications with women + str8 guy friendships … while I kinda agree i want to go on the record and state that my best friend (seriously) is a woman I was involved with for 4 years (and a bit) and that was 6 or 7 years ago … doesnt happen often but sometimes … just sometimes it works kinda like loving someone but not being “in love” (anymmore)
you can always refer to it as ‘hag’ for short.
Gay boyfriends are the best friends a girl can have for life, I think. I had plenty and those are the men I will be visiting when I go back East, even though I moved away 13 years ago.
I call my “gay” my GBF – gay best friend. Every single gal must have a GBF.
I second the idea of getting a cushion color matched Sherwin-Williams exactly matched a pillow for me and it turned out wonderfuly!
I finally made my gay friend here, where I work. We check out patrons of the restaurant and discuss his boy issues. Definitely an essential part of every woman’s life.
“Do you have that table?”
“What table?”
“That sad, sad table with horrible hair…”
i used to be a fag hag. it it wasn’t for my gay best friend, i’d never have survived living in south cackylacky. i wonder what happened to him? now all i have are richard simmons videos.
I’ve always hated fag hag as well so my friends call me their fairy princess. And, Mel, you can find the out gay men in Utah…I’m the fairy princess of a fabulous one and he has lots of friends so they’re there, you just have to search them out. And as for Atlanta, there’s plenty of out gay men here for you, Lady, just go to Midtown and you’ll be a fruit fly/flame dame in no time.
Paint Tip:
Home Depot paint isn’t that good of quality. My buddy works at a Sherwin Williams store and always says that Home Depot is the worst paint. Dutch Boy is better.
I used to work for Home Depot – they do a GREAT job with their paint matching and Behr is wonderful. Cheaper than Dutch Boy at Sherwin Williams for sure!
Who knew Dallas had the gays? Are you kidding? Two words – Oak Lawn. A more fabulously gay “borough” of Dallas there is not! I’m guessing that’s where Heather found her gay; the cream of the crop live, work, eat, and play there.
Since you’ve been gone a week, that means you’re coming back in 51 weeks, right?!
Thanks rick from canada – it is nice to know there is hope! Sometimes I jokingly say “I’m not mature enough to just be friends with straight guys.”
flame dame is way better
homo crone sounds like some terrible dessert or perhaps something you need to get fixed in your car….
I love it.
I just met a new gay guy and I’m hoping to make him my new best friend. Not sure if he’s up to the challenge – but I’ll find out
hee hee fruit fly, I want to get that on a tee shirt!
Oak Lawn! That’s where my Dallas Gay lives too! Love that piano bar. Wee!
Fish needs bicycle, not a unicycle.
Oaklawn is the ultimate gayborhood. And now that I’m thinking about it… why don’t I have a GBF? I need to get out more.
I just thought of something: what happened to his previous homo crone/fag hag/fairy princess/flame dame? He said he was accepting applications for a new one….. hmmmmmm.
Ever wonder why DJs use a program called ‘Fruity Loops’? Look at the state that the club music scene is in and tell me there’s no connection.
Fishie, you make me miss my boy! I was lovingly a fag hag. Many many nights on Oaklawn. Love the Rose Room (is it still there?) I’m still here, but he’s married and loving life. BOO!
OMG! i am a Fruit Fly too! and my GBF is called The Gay. ask The Gay about… tell The Gay…
and welcome back to texas!
~an austinite
Shouldn’t it be homo chrome then? Sorry silly me
This page was being discussed by my female friend with my dating companion and I. He shared with us that he has a friend who had a female room mate. My companion, his friend and I all agree that we don’t care much for the fruit fly, fag hag or my gay (sounds like a servant). My partners freind refers to his female friend as a Homo Godess.
I, too, hated the term fag hag. So, my GBFs and I came up with “The Boyfriends’ Girlfriend.” I’ve loved it but Fairy Princess, Homo Crone, and Flame Dame are perfect.
you are luckier than me… I fell in love with my gay friend. Ever since I expressed my feelings to him, he has been avoiding me ever since. I lost a friend
ANd I still love him very very much….* heart breaks*