Every afternoon, I tie my house key to my sneakers and take off for a walk/jog on the trails that wind through the apartment complexes where I live. When I first read the marketing materials for this place, I was skeptical about their “beautifully landscaped grounds and miles of jogging trails,” mostly because, I’ve created marketing materials for a living. You can’t kid a kidder.
But once again, my over-developed sense of cynicism was misplaced. The grounds are beautifully landscaped, and what’s more, the lakes that they surround are full of things like fluffy baby ducks, and towers of turtles. It’s something to behold, these red-striped turtles climbing on top of each other to sun themselves, and the strange, yoga-like positions they get themselves into. There are even a couple of bad-ass geese, hauling after the over-fed squirrels that challenge their territory.
Yesterday, I put my iPod on shuffle and headed down the trails to work off the previous night’s dinner (these people, they love their melted cheese). I hadn’t gotten very far when a mother duck led her seven puff-balled offspring across my path. I’m a sucker for baby anything, so I took a seat on the grass to watch for a while. As I sat, taking in young nature, the track changed from one song to the next, and the opening strains of a Marvin Gaye tune came on. A few seconds later, I caught some activity out of the corner of my eye. As the chorus to Let’s Get it On streamed out of my headphones, I watched a determined mallard conquer a rather unhappy looking she-duck.
“Oh dear,” I said, turning down the volume on my iPod. “I didn’t think you could hear that.”
I stood up, dusted off my black yoga pants and resumed my jog, giggling over the fact that the animal kingdom gets down to the same playlist when it’s time to get busy.
Seriously? That’s funny!
Right? The timing was just hilarious.
We had ducks on my college campus. I once watched a really awful non-consensual duck union out the window while sitting through a lecture on Feminism and Female Sexual Empowerment. Not a happy memory (for me, or the ducks)
At least your birds had nice music…
Duck fornication aside, I can’t get past the image of turtle towers. Why not wear the key on a ribbon or lanyard around your neck, tucked into your shirt so it doesn’t bonk you on the nose with every foot fall.
From This Fish: If you tie a single key into your laces, it doesn’t move at all. And then you’d be very certain of not losing it.
Fish make sure to add “enjoys Nature Porn” to your About You when you update it.
Hahahaha! Gotta love springtime lovemakin! By the by, I’m envious of your pretty jogging trails ;P
Fish, totally off subject here but are you close to Stephaine now? I found you through her and subsequently all of your other friends that blog. My favs are Ari, and the Virginity Monologues and of course you. Just curious.
From This Fish: We live about 3 1/2 hours away from each other. I plan on visiting her and Phil very soon for some tennis lessons and baby squelching!
Hysterical!!
Do you and your friends think you’re some kind of Sarah Jessica Parker’s from Sex and the City? You all act like everything in your life is so funny & that all these people in the world want to read about YOU. It’s really weird. And what’s even weirder is that you act like you’re so perfect & you always do the right thing with every situation. And that you come off like your so super smart & your writing & vocab is just superb! How do you live with your perfect self?
Thanks H,
I’m going to try the Mallard/She-duck thing out on the wife, next time we want to role play. After all, our anniversary is right around the corner.
“Quack like you mean it!!!”
“Who’s the Duck?”
OK, maybe not.
THAT’S SO FUNNY (Scrubs reference)!!!
Mike – love the fauxporno, it kind of reminds me of Howard the Duck (speaking of, how wrong is it that there was a duck sex scene in that movie?!)
Sounds like G-man is feeling a little abandoned and resentful…
I’ve been a reader for a year and have never posted, but I can’t resist responding to an absurdity I just read. G, I DO want to read about her. And not because she “thinks she’s perfect and funny” but because I enjoy real stories about a real woman’s experience, told with humor, finesse, grace, and yes, good grammar. If you don’t, that’s absolutely your right- but why did you click on the link?
Thanks for keeping me amused and thoughtful, Fish.
You bring me a baby duckie!!
I’ll bring the Marvin Gaye. Oh yeah….
Hey–I’m from Dallas (live in Boston now, though). I’m just wondering what part of town you’re in with an apartment complex with miles of wandering trails. This can’t be uptown… Are you further North like Plano or something?
Do you have a job there yet?
Enjoy your first summer back!
(It was 114 in Austin the day I decided I’d had it and was moving NORTH seven years ago.)>
From This Fish: No, I live in Dallas (my mother lives in Plano). And I kept my job from New York… not looking for a job here, thankfully.
Kim – just so you know – G is actually a good friend of Fish. He frequently posts ironic and sarcastic humor and his comments just add to the fun.
- From the girl who gets as much amusement out of Fish’s posts as G’s comments.
From This Fish Actually, it wasn’t that G. The comment she’s referring to didn’t sound like Goldner at all. Now, the baby duck and Marvin Gaye one, yes. Very Goldy.
That is a great story! I wish I had a jogging path that had a “duckie luv” pond. Who am I kidding.. I wouldn’t be jogging.
I just want to say cheers to you for running outdoors in Texas…I’m north of Houston and I go to the gym for all physical exercises. It is just too hot for outdoor activity.
Props to you!
Since Fish claims its a different G then all I have to say is- Fish is WAY better than Sex and the City.
I live on a lake with lots of ducks. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I let him know it was almost “duck raping season.” He was totally confused, until he witnessed the first romantic encounter.
Hey Fake G? STFU! Why do you people go to a blog if you don’t want to read a blog?! Dumbass! F- sounds like you got a good place. Watch out for the Geese!
And here I thought this was going to be a post about in & out burgers – when it was a different in and out altogether. Funny.
…And seriously, G, calm down.
just goes to show you that the whole world loves Marvin
I understand about the mallards. Everyday I walk to the mall near work to walk at lunch. The ducks in the pond are awfully frisky this time of year. The one with an afro (I’m not kidding – I need to take pictures) is the most amorous of them all, poor lady ducks.
That’s awesome. It’s Spring and love (and gettin’ it on) are obviously in the air.
Oh, and to G… you said, “And that you come off like your so super smart” – Fish is smart. She knows the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Don’t be hatin’ on her and her sweet grammar skills. (;
Who wants to be with a narcissist anyway? Always talkign about yourself and writign about yourself. Putting up some picture of yourself that you actually paid someone to take of you and then flaunting over it is just beyond vain.
My Mom bought a pair of socks from Avon that have a zippered pocket on one for a key.
There was this article in the Times on May 1st about duck rape and their anatomy – it seems girl ducks have figured out how to only have babies with the ducks they choose. I think you need Times Select to read it, but it’s pretty cool.
whyohwhy did i think you were in austin? huh. dallas? oh man, the heat that awaits you. good luck and enjoy the ducky moments….
From This Fish: I grew up here – the heat’s no big surprise. And I’d almost welcome it if this damn rain would quit!
So, why would G keep reading and post a second time if G doesn’t like the blog? Sounds like a wonderful jogging trail. I grew up in Big D, now live in OKC. Like your sense of humor and writing skills.
I’d like to comment on the blog but I can’t get over G! Sorry G but the reason I, like so many other readers, love this blog because Heather is so wonderfully imperfect. She bares her problems and flaws and pokes fun at them, making her human just like the rest of us. And when she shares her joys, we’re happy for her. Besides, would you really want to read something if it was written badly? I wouldn’t.
I guarantee you all that the reason the other “G” continues to post is that he continues to be commented on. I’d say the other “G” is enjoying this all, so I say just ignore.
Feed the ducks, not the trolls.
May I suggest some reading for your next nature walk?
“Yertle the Turtle” [ISBN: 0394800877] by American’s preeminent naturalist Dr. Seuss is the finest treatise on turtle stacking yet written.
From the Publishers Weekly starred review: “By the end of this work one is left with a profound understanding of these magnificent creatures…the good doctor has succeeded in making his subjects fully three dimensional…a must for turtle lovers and anyone with OCD…”
hey Fish! Welcome (back) to Dallas!!
We hope the rain subsides soon, too. But for now, it’s nice for the yard and flowers- after the drought the last few years.
Hope the unpacking is going well.
haha! I love it!
i love the blog! and to g: quit being a hater!
Where’s your camera when you need it huh? I would hope that if you had one on you, that you would have snapped up the photo op and posted it. It might have been the closest I came to my creepy dream of seeing horses mate.
Seriously, Fish. I’m headin up to visit the brothers in Dallas tomorrow. Could you possibly do something about that rain?
From This Fish: Done!
True story: yesterday driving to work I felt a hot flash coming on just as Elvis Presley starts belting out on the radio “Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising..” It cracked me up to think I’ve become a “hunk-a hunk-a burnin’ love!”
Allow me to clear up the confusion. Here’s how you can tell the difference: I am funny!
Plus I have photos of Heather nekkid.
Thank you for this wonderful post.
Humans and animals all share this beautiful planet. We need to be kind to each other, animals and to the environment.
Fish,
My friend sent me this link due to our recent eerily similar water fowl fornication experience. I am no fan of blogs, chiefly because I don’t give a **** about the mind-numbing banalities of people’s mediocre lives. In addition, they take up precious bandwidth that could be used for far more worthy causes, like fetish porn.
So I was very surprised to find your site as entertaining as it is. You’re a terrific writer who can make even everyday minutiae worth reading. And you know how to use an apostrophe. Best of all, I have yet to run across any god damned emoticons outside the comments.
Keep up the great work because you’ve already earned a coveted spot in my bookmark list – right between Leather Lesbos and S&M Grannies.
Sorry, but entirely without your permission I cited you in a post I left on the “Sex on my Desk” blog. I just snapped, I’m afraid. Here is the post I left. I apologize if by calling you out by name I’ve gotten you in trouble with your editor.
Honestly, I must ask, why is THIS the most heavily promoted blog on the love and sex page? You’ve got some really talented bloggers–this fish and grrl genius, as two prime examples–but this is the blog that is listed as the top featured blog, then again as the top ivillage blog, then again as the bottom ivillage blog, then again as blogs we love. Further, a little research turns up that guess what, the person who writes this blog is the love and sex EDITOR. That happens to be what I do for a living, too, I edit–which means I support my writers, not blow my own horn at their expense. I am just made weary by the constant over-promotion of a blog that by my count averages about four comments per post. -AS
I was blessed to see the great Marvin Gaye at one of his last concerts at Radio City. Lucky I had a date who later became the misses (now the missed). She always remembered the women throwing their underwear at him.
Keen observation of the animal kingdom at play while jogging! How come my runs are never that interesting, other than dodging vehicles determined to nail me? =)
Yeah, just last week, some pigeons were on a rooftop getting it. She was not impressed. I wonder if she saw my knowing look.
Sometimes those brochures tell the truth, and when they do it is a pleasant surprise